Josephine
Until my dying day...22 total reviews
Comment from Mark Howitt
A beautiful poem, well structured. It tells the story concisely and artistically.
I can't help feeling that it would pack a greater punch with more discipline on meter (you're nearly there); you kept to the rhyme scheme well but it's not a scheme that seems to add much to the poem.
Just off the top of my head,
"Josephine, o Josephine,
Why lament you so?
Dressed in black, my beauty queen,
Veiled in mourning go?"
My lover cleaved to him my soul,
Left me in the night,
Bed bereft, my dreams he stole:
To merchant ship his flight.
...
(Far from perfect, but I'm trying.)
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2019
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A beautiful poem, well structured. It tells the story concisely and artistically.
I can't help feeling that it would pack a greater punch with more discipline on meter (you're nearly there); you kept to the rhyme scheme well but it's not a scheme that seems to add much to the poem.
Just off the top of my head,
"Josephine, o Josephine,
Why lament you so?
Dressed in black, my beauty queen,
Veiled in mourning go?"
My lover cleaved to him my soul,
Left me in the night,
Bed bereft, my dreams he stole:
To merchant ship his flight.
...
(Far from perfect, but I'm trying.)
Comment Written 07-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2019
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Wow! Thanks for your input! I appreciate you giving feedback but I don?t think I can change it now as it?s been in voting for almost two days. But I do understand where you are going and will take the advice for my next venture! xoxo
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Most welcome, I hope it helps.
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Thanks, Mark! The contest is over, but I will look at it as I would like to include in a book of poetry I am working on. appreciate the feedback! xoxo Happy Thanksgiving!
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You're most welcome. Enjoy the celebrations and family.
Comment from Edna Estrada
I loved the story behind this poem. The heartbreak would definitely account for the topic of sadness. The only thing I would suggest is to watch the rhymes. Other than that, it is beautifully written.
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reply by the author on 06-Oct-2019
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I loved the story behind this poem. The heartbreak would definitely account for the topic of sadness. The only thing I would suggest is to watch the rhymes. Other than that, it is beautifully written.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2019
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Thank you for stopping to read. The rhyme pattern is a form of a double dactyl (abcd efgd), so the is why it only rhymes at end of each verse for first two, second two and last two! Normally a double dactyl is only two verses, but I tripled it to write this one :). Appreciate your feedback! xoxo
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Nicely composed pathos. The tragedy of so many who trust, hope and love lives in your ringing words of sadness. It sometimes takes a long time to give up the hope of a return, but until her dying day is forever.
A lovely depiction of sadness along with the stunning picture,
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2019
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Nicely composed pathos. The tragedy of so many who trust, hope and love lives in your ringing words of sadness. It sometimes takes a long time to give up the hope of a return, but until her dying day is forever.
A lovely depiction of sadness along with the stunning picture,
Comment Written 06-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2019
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Thank you so much! Of course us women would think he has left us for another, but he could be lost at sea; therefore she cannot let go because she does not know what has happened :). Today we?d just call his cell phone and ask what was up! Haha! Appreciate you took time to read and offer your awesome feedback! xoxo
Comment from Sally Law
Outstanding presentation in every aspect, dear Diana. You delivered on this one. A testament to your amazing talent. My best as always and for the contest,
Sal XOXO
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2019
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Outstanding presentation in every aspect, dear Diana. You delivered on this one. A testament to your amazing talent. My best as always and for the contest,
Sal XOXO
Comment Written 06-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2019
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Thanks is not enough to express how much your support is appreciated. I wasn?t planning on entering, but my muse would not let me sleep until I wrote this. Go figure! Haha! xoxo
Comment from patcelaw
This is a sad poem about the lovely lady in black for the contest, I wish you the best in the contest. Have a great weekend.
Patricia
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2019
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This is a sad poem about the lovely lady in black for the contest, I wish you the best in the contest. Have a great weekend.
Patricia
Comment Written 05-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2019
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Thank you Patricia! Just a little something that wouldn?t let me get to sleep until I wrote it ! Haha! Thanks so much for reading and leaving me feedback on it! xoxo
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements splendidly as you deliver a well penned and hauntingly lyrical poem on the topic of sadness. Might I suggest a small change to enhance the tone: "sorrow clothes" seems out of place with the time period the rest of the piece speaks to; 'mourning weeds' seems more fitting. Just a thought. Good luck in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2019
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This meets the contest requirements splendidly as you deliver a well penned and hauntingly lyrical poem on the topic of sadness. Might I suggest a small change to enhance the tone: "sorrow clothes" seems out of place with the time period the rest of the piece speaks to; 'mourning weeds' seems more fitting. Just a thought. Good luck in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2019
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Thanks so much, I'd never heard the term before and it is exactly what i needed there! you are so awesome! greatly appreciate! xoxo
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written poem about being sad when we find a lover betrayed us and lied about how he feels about us. Then suddenly disappears for no apparent reason.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2019
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A very well-written poem about being sad when we find a lover betrayed us and lied about how he feels about us. Then suddenly disappears for no apparent reason.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2019
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thank you so much! its one of the those were i went to bed and the first two lines were running around in my head, so my muse made me get up and finish it! haha! so happy you enjoyed and greatly appreciate your feedback on this! xoxo
Comment from Janice Canerdy
This poem is very well-written and moving, with an effective bittersweet
tone. It's like an unrhymed ballad. The sadness and loneliness of the speaker are vividly conveyed.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2019
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This poem is very well-written and moving, with an effective bittersweet
tone. It's like an unrhymed ballad. The sadness and loneliness of the speaker are vividly conveyed.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2019
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Thank you! I did use an unusual form of rhyme by rhyming the 4th line with the next 4th line of 2 stanzas. It?s similar to a double dactyl (abcd efgd). I was afraid maybe that rhyme pattern wouldn?t stand out. I appreciate your reading so much! xoxo
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Oh, yes.... we've all been there at one time, almost as if it's a rite of passage for a heart... a sorrowful free verse offering for the contest, Diana - great job with the 'sense' words that bring more than the 'heart' into it... ;) :) Thanx for sharing and best of luck! ;) Yvette
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2019
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Oh, yes.... we've all been there at one time, almost as if it's a rite of passage for a heart... a sorrowful free verse offering for the contest, Diana - great job with the 'sense' words that bring more than the 'heart' into it... ;) :) Thanx for sharing and best of luck! ;) Yvette
Comment Written 03-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2019
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So true! How can we know the height of joy if we have never felt the depths of sorrow! Thank you for offering your feedback! xoxo
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This reminds me of the character of Sibyl Vane in "The Picture of Dorian Gray," except Sibyl's character had a tragic ending more immediately instead of waiting and wondering while someone was at sea. I think this has authentic-sounding language with details like 'the sparkle in my emerald eyes' and 'the scent of jasmine in my hair.' No idea what to improve. Good post!
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2019
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This reminds me of the character of Sibyl Vane in "The Picture of Dorian Gray," except Sibyl's character had a tragic ending more immediately instead of waiting and wondering while someone was at sea. I think this has authentic-sounding language with details like 'the sparkle in my emerald eyes' and 'the scent of jasmine in my hair.' No idea what to improve. Good post!
Comment Written 03-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2019
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Thank you, I?m truly honored by the comparison of a classic story like Dorian Gray! One of my favorites! Appreciate you enjoyed it xoxo
