The Little Boy Who Became a Star
mythology.13 total reviews
Comment from Alex Rosel
This is an enjoyable read. I assume it really is a story told in Hindu mythology.
Here are a couple of points you might like to consider:
Uttam was in the lap of the king. -- You spring Uttam on the reader without any introduction. I have no idea who, or what, Uttam is. For all I know, it might be a lapdog. And then, a little further on, I read Only Uttam can sit on the king's lap because he is my son, which is a belated introduction. I think this should have been done previously. Just a thought...
"Pray to him My child" she advised. -- Spag? Comma required after "My Child"?
Good luck with the competition {smiles}.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2019
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This is an enjoyable read. I assume it really is a story told in Hindu mythology.
Here are a couple of points you might like to consider:
Uttam was in the lap of the king. -- You spring Uttam on the reader without any introduction. I have no idea who, or what, Uttam is. For all I know, it might be a lapdog. And then, a little further on, I read Only Uttam can sit on the king's lap because he is my son, which is a belated introduction. I think this should have been done previously. Just a thought...
"Pray to him My child" she advised. -- Spag? Comma required after "My Child"?
Good luck with the competition {smiles}.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2019
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Thank you very much for the very helpful review .i had made the changes. I won the contest which I knew only today !i was quite unwell and was not coming to the site at all.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
I remember reading the story in religious studies class but didn't remember the details... thanx for sharing! ;)
her son should become --> her son become
king and Suruchi was relaxing in the royal gardens . --> king and Suruchi were relaxing in the royal gardens.
this ,pulled him --> this, pulled him
" Get lost --> "Get lost
lap go and meditate and pray that in your next birth you will be born as my son". --> lap, go and meditate and pray that, in your next birth, you will be born as my son."
Vishnu will take --> Vishnu would take
"Pray to him My child" she advised --> "Pray to him, my child," she advised
palace at the dead of the night --> palace in the dead of night
the legend he chanted the mantra and did severe meditation --> the legend, he chanted the mantra and did serious meditation
apologised to him --> apologized to him. [also need to add a line spacing here after 'him.']
his death he ascended --> his death, he ascended
mythology they form --> mythology, they form
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reply by the author on 17-Oct-2019
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I remember reading the story in religious studies class but didn't remember the details... thanx for sharing! ;)
her son should become --> her son become
king and Suruchi was relaxing in the royal gardens . --> king and Suruchi were relaxing in the royal gardens.
this ,pulled him --> this, pulled him
" Get lost --> "Get lost
lap go and meditate and pray that in your next birth you will be born as my son". --> lap, go and meditate and pray that, in your next birth, you will be born as my son."
Vishnu will take --> Vishnu would take
"Pray to him My child" she advised --> "Pray to him, my child," she advised
palace at the dead of the night --> palace in the dead of night
the legend he chanted the mantra and did severe meditation --> the legend, he chanted the mantra and did serious meditation
apologised to him --> apologized to him. [also need to add a line spacing here after 'him.']
his death he ascended --> his death, he ascended
mythology they form --> mythology, they form
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2019
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Thank you very much for the helpful review .I am sorry for the delay in reply .i was quite unwell and today only i saw that I have won the contest .I had made a few changes as per your suggestions.
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements beautifully as you deliver a well penned legend of a star in the word count allotted. I thoroughly enjoyed your narrative and found it both informative and entertaining. Good luck in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2019
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This meets the contest requirements beautifully as you deliver a well penned legend of a star in the word count allotted. I thoroughly enjoyed your narrative and found it both informative and entertaining. Good luck in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2019
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Thank you very much.I am sorry for the delay in replying.
