Pompei
Contest theme unearthed5 total reviews
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
Very powerful free-verse poem about an event in history that has long captured the rapt attention of both professional archaeologists, and ordinary people like me. It is a haunting cataclysm, a tale of horror and terror, from which we cannot tear ourselves away.
I found one error, probably because English is your second language:
to be witnessed by prosperity.
-->
to be witnessed by posterity.
[prosperity means wealth; posterity means future generations; just a small linguistic distinction, but a great difference in meaning]
***
It's very late at night here/ early in the morning, so I'll come back to watch the video in its entirety. If I lived in Italy/Sicily like you do, I would have probably visited Pompeii by now.
I'm sorry you didn't win the contest, back then -- this was a very good entry. It wasn't long after that, when we all got quarantined.
Your poem tells the story very well, and the final stanza is exceptionally good. The image is powerful, and in very good taste, because you effectively communicate the horror of the contorted bodies, without actually showing what it did to a human being -- even though we naturally feel compassion for the very unfortunate dog who was caught in the rage of Vesuvius. Every sensitive person who contemplates this disaster has empathy for these poor souls, nearly 2,000 years ago, and we cannot help but think, UNBELIEVABLE.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2021
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Very powerful free-verse poem about an event in history that has long captured the rapt attention of both professional archaeologists, and ordinary people like me. It is a haunting cataclysm, a tale of horror and terror, from which we cannot tear ourselves away.
I found one error, probably because English is your second language:
to be witnessed by prosperity.
-->
to be witnessed by posterity.
[prosperity means wealth; posterity means future generations; just a small linguistic distinction, but a great difference in meaning]
***
It's very late at night here/ early in the morning, so I'll come back to watch the video in its entirety. If I lived in Italy/Sicily like you do, I would have probably visited Pompeii by now.
I'm sorry you didn't win the contest, back then -- this was a very good entry. It wasn't long after that, when we all got quarantined.
Your poem tells the story very well, and the final stanza is exceptionally good. The image is powerful, and in very good taste, because you effectively communicate the horror of the contorted bodies, without actually showing what it did to a human being -- even though we naturally feel compassion for the very unfortunate dog who was caught in the rage of Vesuvius. Every sensitive person who contemplates this disaster has empathy for these poor souls, nearly 2,000 years ago, and we cannot help but think, UNBELIEVABLE.
Comment Written 17-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2021
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Glad you enjoyed the read .. I like to write about places and customs of my country.
Those contorted bodies a very impressionable..
their last moments, filled with terror, have been immortalised for ever.
Thank you for taking time to review the poem .. I just expected you to read it ..
I edit the word ..
thank you!
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You're very welcome. I thought I should review it, as long as I was already involved with reading it, and I wanted to be helpful. The whole thing is so mind-blowing. Thanks for sharing. God bless you, my friend.
- Mary Kay
Comment from rhonnie69
My dear poet. I rate this a six star posting in that it fits the structure of the writing prompt so well...while It tells us something worth knowing...that I'm sure not too many of us know. I like this because I learned something interesting from it. It is well written. But then you are a pro...so...you know. Ciao. God bless you, poet.
Cordially: rhonnie69.
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My dear poet. I rate this a six star posting in that it fits the structure of the writing prompt so well...while It tells us something worth knowing...that I'm sure not too many of us know. I like this because I learned something interesting from it. It is well written. But then you are a pro...so...you know. Ciao. God bless you, poet.
Cordially: rhonnie69.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2019
Comment from FreeD
Dear Author,
I think you have done fairly well with this capture and depiction. I urge you to pay close attention to the pacing of the lines. There seems to be no exact pattern and that's not a very bad thing except that good structure gives you control of flow and emphasis.
Don't be daunted by the guidelines of 40 lines or less. A mantra I live by is: Less is More.
However, I caution you as I do myself, re-read and re-write. The poem is littered with several typographical errors.
In terms of the poem itself, I submit for your consideration, the following:
1. Stanza 4, last line should read: "Others in the clutches of their lovers"
I think the sound of the word matches the intensity of what you are seeking to convey in that stanza.
2. Stanza 5: the repetition of all is counterproductive. You may instead write, "That day hope vanished, all life perished".
3. It is your choice, but I felt that the matter of people's lives being interrupted could have been explored some more. As well you could have ventured to juxtapose this cruel, abrupt shutter being opened again by ongoing discoveries of the present day.
4. Typos: "For the past two hundred-odd years"; Archaelogists...
5. Use the opportunity to revive Pompei beyond its former glory by giving its unearthing a more eternal lore. Eg. Last stanza, final line should read, "and its ever-unraveling beauty"
Please do not be dismayed. I liked your poem. It just needs a few tweaks. Excellent writers re-write countless times.
Best,
FreeD
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2019
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Dear Author,
I think you have done fairly well with this capture and depiction. I urge you to pay close attention to the pacing of the lines. There seems to be no exact pattern and that's not a very bad thing except that good structure gives you control of flow and emphasis.
Don't be daunted by the guidelines of 40 lines or less. A mantra I live by is: Less is More.
However, I caution you as I do myself, re-read and re-write. The poem is littered with several typographical errors.
In terms of the poem itself, I submit for your consideration, the following:
1. Stanza 4, last line should read: "Others in the clutches of their lovers"
I think the sound of the word matches the intensity of what you are seeking to convey in that stanza.
2. Stanza 5: the repetition of all is counterproductive. You may instead write, "That day hope vanished, all life perished".
3. It is your choice, but I felt that the matter of people's lives being interrupted could have been explored some more. As well you could have ventured to juxtapose this cruel, abrupt shutter being opened again by ongoing discoveries of the present day.
4. Typos: "For the past two hundred-odd years"; Archaelogists...
5. Use the opportunity to revive Pompei beyond its former glory by giving its unearthing a more eternal lore. Eg. Last stanza, final line should read, "and its ever-unraveling beauty"
Please do not be dismayed. I liked your poem. It just needs a few tweaks. Excellent writers re-write countless times.
Best,
FreeD
Comment Written 03-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much .. I did some editing .. Your input was precious.
I saw this contest late but I straight away thought to speak about Pompei.
I would like people to know more about my country.
I agree I should have spent more time describing the feelings of these unfortunate people.
I will keep your passionate suggestions in mind for future entries.
I started writing last year in June .. I have never been good with words .. even writing a simple postcard was a feat.
I have a lot to learn and I'm grateful for the time you have so kindly dedicated to my poem.
Ciao FreeD !
Comment from Sallyo
Great contest entry! However, there's a line that has a couple of wrong words in it.I suggest you sort it out. Clever use of the prompt though. It's an interesting form, with some rhyme.
until it's rediscovery in 1738.
until its rediscovery in 1738.
captured for eternity
to be witness by prosperity.
captured for eternity
to be witnessed by posterity.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2019
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Great contest entry! However, there's a line that has a couple of wrong words in it.I suggest you sort it out. Clever use of the prompt though. It's an interesting form, with some rhyme.
until it's rediscovery in 1738.
until its rediscovery in 1738.
captured for eternity
to be witness by prosperity.
captured for eternity
to be witnessed by posterity.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2019
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Thank you for the grammar tips ..I edited.
The subject came in an eye's wink seeing it's about my beloved Italy. ( biggrin )
I'm trying to present more aspects of my beautiful country than just her delicious foods and wines.
Thankyou for the helpful review!
Comment from Susan X Smith
Thanks for shedding some light on a piece of history. This definitely meets the writing prompt criteria. Thanks for sharing. Good luck in the contest and in your continued creative writing.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2019
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Thanks for shedding some light on a piece of history. This definitely meets the writing prompt criteria. Thanks for sharing. Good luck in the contest and in your continued creative writing.
Comment Written 03-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2019
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Thank you for your positive review.
I'm trying to present the wonders of my Italy ...there is so much to be discovered beside the excellent food. ( biggrin ) .
When you have some time please watch the video.
Ciao!
