The Walking Dead War
Humans fight off the walking dead.29 total reviews
Comment from JLR
While the subject matter is one I personally would rather we not promote, fiction writing is not in my wheelhouse. Having read your short story you delivered in spades all the requirements of this contest. I wish you good success.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2019
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While the subject matter is one I personally would rather we not promote, fiction writing is not in my wheelhouse. Having read your short story you delivered in spades all the requirements of this contest. I wish you good success.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2019
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Thank you! I'm so happy that you enjoyed my story!
Comment from DonandVicki
I generally do not read or review "Zombie" stories because I have trouble connecting with this kind of fiction. But there was something special about your story that moved me. Well written.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2019
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I generally do not read or review "Zombie" stories because I have trouble connecting with this kind of fiction. But there was something special about your story that moved me. Well written.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2019
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Thank you! I'm so happy that you enjoyed my story! Thanks for the encouragement! :)
Comment from Bill Schott
This story, The Walking Dead War, is an exciting story of an average joe having to deal with the sudden attack of zombies. The narrative needs a lot of revision for grammar, usage, and vocabulary. I guess the concept that the bookstore would be safer than an ammo store hits me as a bit odd. Of course, there are dead people walking around, so odd is the flavor of the day.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2019
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This story, The Walking Dead War, is an exciting story of an average joe having to deal with the sudden attack of zombies. The narrative needs a lot of revision for grammar, usage, and vocabulary. I guess the concept that the bookstore would be safer than an ammo store hits me as a bit odd. Of course, there are dead people walking around, so odd is the flavor of the day.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2019
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Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed my story!
Comment from rockmann
War with the zombies! What an interesting concept.
There are a number of things that need to be worked on, however. The sentences were stilted and choppy and do not flow as you would expect in telling a story.
In fact, that is a good way of explaining. Here is your opening paragraph: Phil came to a bookstore to purchase a book. He had no idea what was about to happen. Outside of the store appeared walking dead attacking pedestrians. They killed most of them and it began to spread around the city of Miami.
I don't think if you were sitting around a campfire, that is the way you would tell it. Maybe something like this might be better: Phil had come to a bookstore, but had no idea what was about to happen, how his life would be turned upside down. Outside the store, walking dead were attacking and killing people, and it soon began to spread throughout Miami.
There are other examples, but I assume you get the picture. I have written for more years than I can count, but every time I put something up here, someone points something out that can be done better, and I learn from it.
I hope you continue to write, and to put your stories up. Good luck.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2019
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War with the zombies! What an interesting concept.
There are a number of things that need to be worked on, however. The sentences were stilted and choppy and do not flow as you would expect in telling a story.
In fact, that is a good way of explaining. Here is your opening paragraph: Phil came to a bookstore to purchase a book. He had no idea what was about to happen. Outside of the store appeared walking dead attacking pedestrians. They killed most of them and it began to spread around the city of Miami.
I don't think if you were sitting around a campfire, that is the way you would tell it. Maybe something like this might be better: Phil had come to a bookstore, but had no idea what was about to happen, how his life would be turned upside down. Outside the store, walking dead were attacking and killing people, and it soon began to spread throughout Miami.
There are other examples, but I assume you get the picture. I have written for more years than I can count, but every time I put something up here, someone points something out that can be done better, and I learn from it.
I hope you continue to write, and to put your stories up. Good luck.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2019
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Thank you! I will fix the mistakes! I'm happy that you enjoyed my story!
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I have fixed the mistakes.
Comment from kahpot
Excellent, if I had to ask something it would be a slight change of your fourth paragraph, it says he drove to a gun and artillery store which gives the impression he is there but you say hours later he arrived, would it be better to say he drove towards a gun and artillery store?, this story is very intriguing and great read with informative references to TV shows, best wishes for your contest****kahpot
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2019
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Excellent, if I had to ask something it would be a slight change of your fourth paragraph, it says he drove to a gun and artillery store which gives the impression he is there but you say hours later he arrived, would it be better to say he drove towards a gun and artillery store?, this story is very intriguing and great read with informative references to TV shows, best wishes for your contest****kahpot
Comment Written 15-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2019
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Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed my story!
Comment from giraffmang
Fast paced and a lot of movement in the piece. the biggest issue though is that there's nothing to be said here. It's a run-of-the-mill zombie piece.
it needs a little tidy-up as well. I made some notes as I read through-
Phil came to a Bookstore to make a purchase.- bookstore probably doesn't need capitalised here.
appeared walking dead zombies- you don't really need all the terminology here. Zombies are the walking dead so it's a little redundant.
The traffic was jammed. Phil couldn't even realize what is happening out of the area.- mixing your tenses here.
He ran to his car.Some zombies - spacing needed following the full stop / period.
He got inside his car and drove to a gun and artillery store. Hours later he arrived and barged into the gun store.- sequencing is a bit off here. he drives to a store and then arrives later.
Two people told him if they can go with him in his car. - asked rather than told here.
Phil and his new friends were shooting at them and drove fast to where it is all now a war zone. - mixed tenses again here.
He was thinking that this war will be in for long. - this reads awkwardly.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2019
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Fast paced and a lot of movement in the piece. the biggest issue though is that there's nothing to be said here. It's a run-of-the-mill zombie piece.
it needs a little tidy-up as well. I made some notes as I read through-
Phil came to a Bookstore to make a purchase.- bookstore probably doesn't need capitalised here.
appeared walking dead zombies- you don't really need all the terminology here. Zombies are the walking dead so it's a little redundant.
The traffic was jammed. Phil couldn't even realize what is happening out of the area.- mixing your tenses here.
He ran to his car.Some zombies - spacing needed following the full stop / period.
He got inside his car and drove to a gun and artillery store. Hours later he arrived and barged into the gun store.- sequencing is a bit off here. he drives to a store and then arrives later.
Two people told him if they can go with him in his car. - asked rather than told here.
Phil and his new friends were shooting at them and drove fast to where it is all now a war zone. - mixed tenses again here.
He was thinking that this war will be in for long. - this reads awkwardly.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2019
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Thank you! I will fix the mistakes. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Comment from the13thpoet
Good Thursday afternoon. Thank you for sharing your story, I think you executed well within the rules of the writing prompt. Good job and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2019
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Good Thursday afternoon. Thank you for sharing your story, I think you executed well within the rules of the writing prompt. Good job and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2019
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Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Comment from Alex Rosel
I'm not a great fan of the zombie genre, but I think those who are will warm to your story here {smiles}.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
Phil came to a Bookstore to purchase a book -- Spag? I wouldn't capitalize "bookstore", it's not a proper noun unless it's the actual name of the shop.
Also, I'd try to avoid repetition of "book". Something like: Phil came to the bookstore to make a purchase.
He had no idea what is about to happen. -- You change narrative tenses here from past to present. As Your narrative appears to be predominantly in past tense, I'd reword this to He had no idea what was about to happen.
The customers scream and ran away from them. -- Spag? Again there's a tense change. I'd use "screamed" in place of "scream".
He moved his car sideways to get them off -- If this was mine, I'd look for a more descriptive, stronger verb than "moved". Perhaps "swerved" is better?
Good luck with the competition {smiles}.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2019
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I'm not a great fan of the zombie genre, but I think those who are will warm to your story here {smiles}.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
Phil came to a Bookstore to purchase a book -- Spag? I wouldn't capitalize "bookstore", it's not a proper noun unless it's the actual name of the shop.
Also, I'd try to avoid repetition of "book". Something like: Phil came to the bookstore to make a purchase.
He had no idea what is about to happen. -- You change narrative tenses here from past to present. As Your narrative appears to be predominantly in past tense, I'd reword this to He had no idea what was about to happen.
The customers scream and ran away from them. -- Spag? Again there's a tense change. I'd use "screamed" in place of "scream".
He moved his car sideways to get them off -- If this was mine, I'd look for a more descriptive, stronger verb than "moved". Perhaps "swerved" is better?
Good luck with the competition {smiles}.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2019
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Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed my story! I will fix the mistakes.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Something is missing; the fight starts to fast. Is funny the rationale you choose for the leader. Phil saw lots of episodes about the walking dead, impressive qualifications....
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2019
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Something is missing; the fight starts to fast. Is funny the rationale you choose for the leader. Phil saw lots of episodes about the walking dead, impressive qualifications....
Comment Written 14-Aug-2019
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2019
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Thank you!
