People Die
A contest entry9 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
A great setting to draw the reader in: "Now you must remember that I was about six or seven when this started." There is more character development developing: "I suddenly saw him in a coffin." A little of 'don't shoot the messenger: "They all glared at me as though I were evil." I;ve heard people say, it was like a curse for them: "To me it was a curse," A great account.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2022
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A great setting to draw the reader in: "Now you must remember that I was about six or seven when this started." There is more character development developing: "I suddenly saw him in a coffin." A little of 'don't shoot the messenger: "They all glared at me as though I were evil." I;ve heard people say, it was like a curse for them: "To me it was a curse," A great account.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2022
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Thank you so much, Liz for reading, reviewing and your amazing comments.
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I enjoyed it.
Comment from lyenochka
I normally don't read horror or ghost stories but the way you wrote this was so engaging and compelling, not so much because of the supernatural but because of the strong family bonds that were expressed. There is certain family traits even with unusual spiritual gifts. But the close balance of love being the strong motive to keep the family alive and together made it a great story!
One grammar comment:
before I was born. And his (I would remove the period and keep it as one sentence as it wouldn't be complete otherwise.)
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
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I normally don't read horror or ghost stories but the way you wrote this was so engaging and compelling, not so much because of the supernatural but because of the strong family bonds that were expressed. There is certain family traits even with unusual spiritual gifts. But the close balance of love being the strong motive to keep the family alive and together made it a great story!
One grammar comment:
before I was born. And his (I would remove the period and keep it as one sentence as it wouldn't be complete otherwise.)
Comment Written 06-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
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Thank you so much for reading, reviewing and your great comments. I will fix that in a moment. Thanks Helen.
Comment from BeasPeas
This is quite remarkable. I know of one other person who was able to see a death before it happened. Like you, he grew to accept it as "normal" for him. Over the years, I've known many psychic people. I think it is a gift from God, but may be considered a burden to the one who has it until he/she realizes it's a special ability. Eventually they have learned to accept it as you have done. Your non-fiction is well written, informative, and interesting. Hugs, Marilyn
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2019
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This is quite remarkable. I know of one other person who was able to see a death before it happened. Like you, he grew to accept it as "normal" for him. Over the years, I've known many psychic people. I think it is a gift from God, but may be considered a burden to the one who has it until he/she realizes it's a special ability. Eventually they have learned to accept it as you have done. Your non-fiction is well written, informative, and interesting. Hugs, Marilyn
Comment Written 23-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2019
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Thank you Marilyn for reviewing. It is nice to know that you got to meet this other person as well as become familiar with psychic people. I agree, at least now that it is a special ability rather than a burden. I appreciate your kind comments.
Comment from Ben1
It was a good read and pulled me in from the beginning, I don't totally understand how seeing if people died effected the story that much other than his sister being angry at him, but other than that I liked the read and some day this should be made in to a longer story.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
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It was a good read and pulled me in from the beginning, I don't totally understand how seeing if people died effected the story that much other than his sister being angry at him, but other than that I liked the read and some day this should be made in to a longer story.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
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Thank you for reviewing and your interesting comments.
Comment from shaffer40
I find this an interesting subject, and you have written an intriguing ghost story. I have made a number of suggestions to make the writing more concise and clear and a few corrections in punctuation.
***************************
I remember it clearly as if it happened just a few minutes ago instead of
sixty years ago.
Suggest: I remember it clearly, as though it happened a few minutes ago
rather than sixty years.
I had developed a talent or a curse as many will say.
Punctuation for emphasis
Suggest: I had developed a talent--or a curse, some might say.
Sunday adventures after church were to collect bottles along the railroad
tracks.
Only one adventure
Suggest: our Sunday adventure after church was to collect bottles along
the railroad tracks.
Of course, there were more beer bottles than those that were used for
sodas.
Suggest: Of course there were more beer bottles than sodas.
My father would cash in the beer bottles and use the money for his
cigarettes and wine, whereas I would use the money from soda
bottles as treat money as well as savings.
Suggest: My father cashed in the beer bottles and used the money for
cigarettes and wine. I used part of my money from the soda bottles
for treats and saved the rest.
On one particular Sunday we were about two miles from home, he
collapsed grabbing his chest. I was told to run home and get my
mother to call an ambulance. I did so and ran back to him to hold his
hand until they came.
Suggest: One Sunday when we were two miles from home, he grabbed
his chest and collapsed. "Run home and tell Mother to call an
ambulance," _________ ordered. I then returned to the scene and held
his hand until it arrived.
As they loaded him into the vehicle, he whispered that he loved me. I
suddenly saw him in a coffin. Earlier I had mentioned seeing people
in a box, as I grew older, it was a coffin not a box.
Suggest: As the EMTs loaded him into the vehicle, he whispered that he
loved me. I suddenly saw my father in a coffin, as my earlier visions
of people in boxes had become people in coffins.
advised us that he was weak but stable for now.
Suggest: advised us that our father was weak but stable.
the phone rang and as she got up to answer it, I blurted out
Missing commas: the phone rang and, as she got up to answer it, I
blurted out,
older brothers and sisters gathered round her.
Suggest: "around" rather than "round"
All eyes turned towards me, it was as if I was evil.
Suggest: They all glared at me as though I were evil.
it is all your fault.
Suggest contraction, as we speak in contractions: it's all your fault.
in fact save the whole family.
Comma: in fact, save the whole family.
During the funeral, it was discovered that my father's grandmother and
his aunt who was still alive had the same gift that I inherited. The
ability to predict someone's death.
Suggest active voice rather than passive: During the funeral, we
discovered that my father's grandmother and his aunt, who was still
alive, had the same gift that I'd obviously inherited: the ability to
predict death.
my two brothers, my two sisters, my mother and myself.
"Myself" not correct here: my two brothers, my two sisters, my mother,
and me.
OR you could say it this way: I put on my slippers, and along with my two
brothers, two sisters, and my mother, crept down the stairs.
but the glass was broken into a thousand pieces.
Suggest: but in each the glass was broken into a thousand pieces.
The rooms were cleaned and the pictures placed on the dining room
table.
Suggest omit passive voice: Together we cleaned up the glass and placed
the pictures on the dining room table.
The glass was replaced, the pictures rehung.
Suggest omit passive voice: We replaced the glass and rehung the
pictures.
The same thing happened for over a week, every night.
Suggest: The same thing happened every night for over a week.
Sleeping with my oldest sister or on a fold out in the kitchen were the
options.
Suggest reverse: My options were to sleep with my oldest sister or on a
fold-out cot in the kitchen.
The room became cold. It was cold enough that I could see my breath.
Suggest: The room became cold--so cold I could see my breath.
He used to roll his own cigarettes and I even tasted the flakes once.
Suggest: He'd rolled his own cigarettes; I even tasted the flakes once.
she is going to die"
Suggest contraction & comma: she's going to die,"
Within seconds every other family member was at the door. The invisible
wall prevented them from coming in.
Suggest: Within seconds every other family member was at the door, but
the invisible wall prevented them from entering the room.
My sister was trembling and the marks on her next were vivid bruises.
Suggest: the vivid marks on her neck were bruises. [neck rather than next]
please don't make her die, please."
Comma precedes assignation: please don't make her die, please,"
The night passed in the living room.
Suggest: I spent the entire night in the living room. [I think that's what
you mean.]
Two days later, she had a talk with my mother, she was pregnant and
had made an appointment to abort. She and my mother believed it
was my father's ghost who irate about her plan.
Suggest: Two days later, she informed my mother that she was pregnant
and had made an appointment to abort the baby. Both she and our
mother believed it was my father's ghost, irate about her plan to end
the pregnancy.
My love for her and him caused him to stop. She was also the one who
screamed at me with blame.
Not clear whether you mean your love for your mother and father or for
your father and sister. I think you mean your father and your sister,
both of whom had been angry at you.
Suggest: I believe that it was my love for both my father and my sister
that caused him to stop.
She was also the one who screamed at me with blame.
Suggest omitting this sentence about your sister's anger. It seems out of
place and weakens this last sentence. Suggest putting last sentence
on a line by itself to create a dramatic and intriguing ending.
Every year on the anniversary of my father's death, one picture falls but
does not break.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
|
I find this an interesting subject, and you have written an intriguing ghost story. I have made a number of suggestions to make the writing more concise and clear and a few corrections in punctuation.
***************************
I remember it clearly as if it happened just a few minutes ago instead of
sixty years ago.
Suggest: I remember it clearly, as though it happened a few minutes ago
rather than sixty years.
I had developed a talent or a curse as many will say.
Punctuation for emphasis
Suggest: I had developed a talent--or a curse, some might say.
Sunday adventures after church were to collect bottles along the railroad
tracks.
Only one adventure
Suggest: our Sunday adventure after church was to collect bottles along
the railroad tracks.
Of course, there were more beer bottles than those that were used for
sodas.
Suggest: Of course there were more beer bottles than sodas.
My father would cash in the beer bottles and use the money for his
cigarettes and wine, whereas I would use the money from soda
bottles as treat money as well as savings.
Suggest: My father cashed in the beer bottles and used the money for
cigarettes and wine. I used part of my money from the soda bottles
for treats and saved the rest.
On one particular Sunday we were about two miles from home, he
collapsed grabbing his chest. I was told to run home and get my
mother to call an ambulance. I did so and ran back to him to hold his
hand until they came.
Suggest: One Sunday when we were two miles from home, he grabbed
his chest and collapsed. "Run home and tell Mother to call an
ambulance," _________ ordered. I then returned to the scene and held
his hand until it arrived.
As they loaded him into the vehicle, he whispered that he loved me. I
suddenly saw him in a coffin. Earlier I had mentioned seeing people
in a box, as I grew older, it was a coffin not a box.
Suggest: As the EMTs loaded him into the vehicle, he whispered that he
loved me. I suddenly saw my father in a coffin, as my earlier visions
of people in boxes had become people in coffins.
advised us that he was weak but stable for now.
Suggest: advised us that our father was weak but stable.
the phone rang and as she got up to answer it, I blurted out
Missing commas: the phone rang and, as she got up to answer it, I
blurted out,
older brothers and sisters gathered round her.
Suggest: "around" rather than "round"
All eyes turned towards me, it was as if I was evil.
Suggest: They all glared at me as though I were evil.
it is all your fault.
Suggest contraction, as we speak in contractions: it's all your fault.
in fact save the whole family.
Comma: in fact, save the whole family.
During the funeral, it was discovered that my father's grandmother and
his aunt who was still alive had the same gift that I inherited. The
ability to predict someone's death.
Suggest active voice rather than passive: During the funeral, we
discovered that my father's grandmother and his aunt, who was still
alive, had the same gift that I'd obviously inherited: the ability to
predict death.
my two brothers, my two sisters, my mother and myself.
"Myself" not correct here: my two brothers, my two sisters, my mother,
and me.
OR you could say it this way: I put on my slippers, and along with my two
brothers, two sisters, and my mother, crept down the stairs.
but the glass was broken into a thousand pieces.
Suggest: but in each the glass was broken into a thousand pieces.
The rooms were cleaned and the pictures placed on the dining room
table.
Suggest omit passive voice: Together we cleaned up the glass and placed
the pictures on the dining room table.
The glass was replaced, the pictures rehung.
Suggest omit passive voice: We replaced the glass and rehung the
pictures.
The same thing happened for over a week, every night.
Suggest: The same thing happened every night for over a week.
Sleeping with my oldest sister or on a fold out in the kitchen were the
options.
Suggest reverse: My options were to sleep with my oldest sister or on a
fold-out cot in the kitchen.
The room became cold. It was cold enough that I could see my breath.
Suggest: The room became cold--so cold I could see my breath.
He used to roll his own cigarettes and I even tasted the flakes once.
Suggest: He'd rolled his own cigarettes; I even tasted the flakes once.
she is going to die"
Suggest contraction & comma: she's going to die,"
Within seconds every other family member was at the door. The invisible
wall prevented them from coming in.
Suggest: Within seconds every other family member was at the door, but
the invisible wall prevented them from entering the room.
My sister was trembling and the marks on her next were vivid bruises.
Suggest: the vivid marks on her neck were bruises. [neck rather than next]
please don't make her die, please."
Comma precedes assignation: please don't make her die, please,"
The night passed in the living room.
Suggest: I spent the entire night in the living room. [I think that's what
you mean.]
Two days later, she had a talk with my mother, she was pregnant and
had made an appointment to abort. She and my mother believed it
was my father's ghost who irate about her plan.
Suggest: Two days later, she informed my mother that she was pregnant
and had made an appointment to abort the baby. Both she and our
mother believed it was my father's ghost, irate about her plan to end
the pregnancy.
My love for her and him caused him to stop. She was also the one who
screamed at me with blame.
Not clear whether you mean your love for your mother and father or for
your father and sister. I think you mean your father and your sister,
both of whom had been angry at you.
Suggest: I believe that it was my love for both my father and my sister
that caused him to stop.
She was also the one who screamed at me with blame.
Suggest omitting this sentence about your sister's anger. It seems out of
place and weakens this last sentence. Suggest putting last sentence
on a line by itself to create a dramatic and intriguing ending.
Every year on the anniversary of my father's death, one picture falls but
does not break.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
-
T.hank you for reviewing and your suggestions
Comment from RodG
This story kept me enthralled to the very end. I was fascinated by the narrator's "curse," her ability to predict a death. I also like how the ghost story ensues from middle of your text. A spooky setting as the pictures fall nightly and ten that thrilling climax as she saves her sister. I think you could tighten the story (it gets wordy), but the plot is exciting.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
|
This story kept me enthralled to the very end. I was fascinated by the narrator's "curse," her ability to predict a death. I also like how the ghost story ensues from middle of your text. A spooky setting as the pictures fall nightly and ten that thrilling climax as she saves her sister. I think you could tighten the story (it gets wordy), but the plot is exciting.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
-
Thank you for reviewing and your great comments.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A chilling tale and I hung onto every word not knowing where the story would go, a fine write which sent a shiver down my spine, a word missing in this sentence:
"She and my mother believed it was my father's ghost who (was) irate about her plan."
Much enjoyed,
Love Dolly x
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
|
A chilling tale and I hung onto every word not knowing where the story would go, a fine write which sent a shiver down my spine, a word missing in this sentence:
"She and my mother believed it was my father's ghost who (was) irate about her plan."
Much enjoyed,
Love Dolly x
Comment Written 22-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
-
Thank you so much for reviewing and your kind comments and the suggested correction.
Comment from Teri7
This is a very spooky and well told story about a ghost in your house. You used very good descriptive words and very good imagery with the art work you used. Blessings,Teri
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
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This is a very spooky and well told story about a ghost in your house. You used very good descriptive words and very good imagery with the art work you used. Blessings,Teri
Comment Written 22-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
-
Thank you for reviewing and your kind comments.
Comment from Sandra Montanino
You wrote a very interesting and exciting story. Just a couple of little suggestions.
My father's grandmother and his aunt who "was" still alive. "Was" should be "were." I wouldn't say the glass was broken into "a thousand pieces." Perhaps, just say the glass was "shattered." There is no way to know how many pieces. You wrote "the marks on her "next," instead of "neck." Hope this helps. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
|
You wrote a very interesting and exciting story. Just a couple of little suggestions.
My father's grandmother and his aunt who "was" still alive. "Was" should be "were." I wouldn't say the glass was broken into "a thousand pieces." Perhaps, just say the glass was "shattered." There is no way to know how many pieces. You wrote "the marks on her "next," instead of "neck." Hope this helps. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2019
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Thank you for reviewing and your suggested corrections, very much appreciated.