Temptation in the Long Ago
Sanity prevailed in the end4 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
In addition to reflecting upon the past fantasies, you are using good allusions. The reader will be drawn to honestly and yet pleasantly upon their youthful crush. You have good play on words. You have created great images to draw the reader let their imaginations fly fed by their own fantasies and secrets and secret desires. Well written.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
In addition to reflecting upon the past fantasies, you are using good allusions. The reader will be drawn to honestly and yet pleasantly upon their youthful crush. You have good play on words. You have created great images to draw the reader let their imaginations fly fed by their own fantasies and secrets and secret desires. Well written.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
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Thank you for your read and review. Very encouraging.
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Imagined love is usually so much more tantalizing than realized love. Especially in the vivid mind of a writer! It's served you well for this writing prompt, though! I really enjoyed this entry! Good luck to you. xo
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2019
Imagined love is usually so much more tantalizing than realized love. Especially in the vivid mind of a writer! It's served you well for this writing prompt, though! I really enjoyed this entry! Good luck to you. xo
Comment Written 14-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2019
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Thanks for the read and the encouraging comments.
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Totally my pleasure.
Comment from Willie P. Smith
I prefer strong rhyme in a poem, however; I'm glad this one caught my eye. I believe all, well maybe not all, men have had at least one young
maiden that caught his eye, but if married, don't tell your wife unless
she was the maiden in question. Very good work.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2019
I prefer strong rhyme in a poem, however; I'm glad this one caught my eye. I believe all, well maybe not all, men have had at least one young
maiden that caught his eye, but if married, don't tell your wife unless
she was the maiden in question. Very good work.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2019
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Good advice. Thanks for the read and review.
Comment from kiwisteveh
Ah, sanity prevailed. But what if it was really insanity and you two were meant to be together? Perhaps we all have these mini-fantasies where we feel a connection to someone and build it up in our own mind to become 'love'.
You have a lot of issues with punctuation here.
I like the originality of this piece and some of the phrasing is excellent, but I suspect with some editing this could become much better.
Steve
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2019
Ah, sanity prevailed. But what if it was really insanity and you two were meant to be together? Perhaps we all have these mini-fantasies where we feel a connection to someone and build it up in our own mind to become 'love'.
You have a lot of issues with punctuation here.
I like the originality of this piece and some of the phrasing is excellent, but I suspect with some editing this could become much better.
Steve
Comment Written 13-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2019
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The in my mind was to use or not to use commas. I chose to use them. I'm not sure how to rework. I will look again. Thanks for the suggestion.
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Not just commas. I'll take another look and point out some of what I think are errors.
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There was in the long ago a
pretty, raven-haired girl
who invaded my soul
She?d cast Venus glances, firing
thoughts of forbidden connection(Period needed>
j
her skirt would excite,
During dark nights,
tortured my being,
concerning where we could meet
But in the end?
My suggested punctuation:
There was in the long ago a
pretty, raven-haired girl
who invaded my soul.
She?d cast Venus glances, firing
thoughts of forbidden connection .
Just the flip of her hair, the swish of
her skirt would excite passions of Id.
During dark nights amorous dreams
tortured my being. A tryst was conceived
concerning where we could meet,
but in the end sanity prevailed.
Our loving was never, but still she
haunts the chambers of my soul.
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Thanks so much for your help. I did not consider using periods. I will edit.
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Thanks.