Mr. Windows
Linda can not stop playing a game on her lap top.37 total reviews
Comment from John Ciarmello
Spectacular writing here, Gunner! I thought she was gone. Nice twist at the end. I hope we didn't get off on the wrong foot. I may have sounded a bit peeved in my last reply. I really wasn't. There are much bigger things to set our sights on. God bless. Much success in the contest as well.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2022
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Spectacular writing here, Gunner! I thought she was gone. Nice twist at the end. I hope we didn't get off on the wrong foot. I may have sounded a bit peeved in my last reply. I really wasn't. There are much bigger things to set our sights on. God bless. Much success in the contest as well.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2022
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Thank You
Comment from rockmann
There is a man who takes charge, who won't let his wife fall victim to electronic addiction. It seems a bit drastic, but many of us have wanted to do what Bruce did.
I really liked the line about Bruce sleeping with an empty pillow.!
I noticed a typo..you have lap top as one word and two words.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2019
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There is a man who takes charge, who won't let his wife fall victim to electronic addiction. It seems a bit drastic, but many of us have wanted to do what Bruce did.
I really liked the line about Bruce sleeping with an empty pillow.!
I noticed a typo..you have lap top as one word and two words.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2019
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Thank you! Great catch!
Comment from Ricky1024
Another well-written piece sir as I move forward in to this day there is hope that we will all survive the unnecessary blessings of this world whether it be another war or some kind of natural disaster such as this hurricane Berry that flooded out Louisiana and such an early. Of hurricane season but you be sure to have a wonderful and blessed day as I shall to dr. Ricci 1024
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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Another well-written piece sir as I move forward in to this day there is hope that we will all survive the unnecessary blessings of this world whether it be another war or some kind of natural disaster such as this hurricane Berry that flooded out Louisiana and such an early. Of hurricane season but you be sure to have a wonderful and blessed day as I shall to dr. Ricci 1024
Comment Written 18-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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Thank you!! Stay safe.
Comment from dragonpoet
This woman sounds like a teenager with her laptop or a true gamer. She is so addicted to the game that she doesn't notice the weather. It is horrible but funny that her husband had to shoot the laptop to get her to realize her husband needed and loved her.
Congrats on placing second in the contest
Keep writing
~dragonpoet
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
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This woman sounds like a teenager with her laptop or a true gamer. She is so addicted to the game that she doesn't notice the weather. It is horrible but funny that her husband had to shoot the laptop to get her to realize her husband needed and loved her.
Congrats on placing second in the contest
Keep writing
~dragonpoet
Comment Written 14-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2019
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Thank You!
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You're welcome.
dp
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You're welcome.
dp
Comment from Susan Morritt
Hi Gunner
I loved your dialogue story, "Mr. Windows." The banter back and forth did not seem forced between the disgruntled husband and his disinterested wife and appeared truly spontaneous. Although the subject was a little sexist, I found the humour within the exchange to be natural.
The one part that I had a bit of a problem with was Linda's reaction to the gun. I think she might have had a much stronger comeback, especially when her husband had just told her he had a silencer on it.
Your ending I feel was the strongest point of your story. "Honey you are so forceful. You do love me." This puts me in mind of a farce... too funny to find offensive. Good job.
Susan
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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Hi Gunner
I loved your dialogue story, "Mr. Windows." The banter back and forth did not seem forced between the disgruntled husband and his disinterested wife and appeared truly spontaneous. Although the subject was a little sexist, I found the humour within the exchange to be natural.
The one part that I had a bit of a problem with was Linda's reaction to the gun. I think she might have had a much stronger comeback, especially when her husband had just told her he had a silencer on it.
Your ending I feel was the strongest point of your story. "Honey you are so forceful. You do love me." This puts me in mind of a farce... too funny to find offensive. Good job.
Susan
Comment Written 09-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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Thank You!
Comment from Bill Schott
This story, Mr. Windows, presented in only dialogue, speaks to the problem of getting too involved with devices and neglecting people. The humor takes the edge off this modern problem.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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This story, Mr. Windows, presented in only dialogue, speaks to the problem of getting too involved with devices and neglecting people. The humor takes the edge off this modern problem.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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Thank You!
Comment from shaffer40
Talk about eliminating the competition. This is a clever husband-and-wife, husband vs. gadget story, with a funny, surprise ending.
I saw some spots where adjustments would make it even better. As below:
*******************************
If you worked this hard on house work you'd be in "The Better Homes
and Garden," Hall of Fame.
Avoid using "work" twice so close; "housework" one word; no comma
after "Garden"
Suggest: If you were this dedicated to housework you'd be in "Better
Homes and Gardens" Hall of Fame.
Yeah I do. She's called empty pillow.
Suggest: Yeah, I do. She's called Empty Pillow.
Leave me alone with my lap top. It does everything I ask of it. Not like
some people I know.
"laptop" one word; suggest "Unlike some people I know."
sit- down dinner
Close space between dash and "down"
If you put your mutt outdoors
Suggest: "outside" rather than "outdoors"--more conversational
so you can lay around
so you can lie around
Go belly ache -- "bellyache" one word
I will but I'll be right back. Comma after "will"
Oh this? It's called a gun, a pistol and back in the 1950's, a rod. It's
pretty don't you think?
Punctuation: It's called a gun, a pistol, and back in the 1950s, a rod. It's
pretty, don't you think?
You see when I shoot this gun -- Comma after "see"
key board -- one word
Honey, you are so forceful.
Suggest contraction: Honey, you're so forceful.
Yes Linda. -- Comma after "Yes"
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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Talk about eliminating the competition. This is a clever husband-and-wife, husband vs. gadget story, with a funny, surprise ending.
I saw some spots where adjustments would make it even better. As below:
*******************************
If you worked this hard on house work you'd be in "The Better Homes
and Garden," Hall of Fame.
Avoid using "work" twice so close; "housework" one word; no comma
after "Garden"
Suggest: If you were this dedicated to housework you'd be in "Better
Homes and Gardens" Hall of Fame.
Yeah I do. She's called empty pillow.
Suggest: Yeah, I do. She's called Empty Pillow.
Leave me alone with my lap top. It does everything I ask of it. Not like
some people I know.
"laptop" one word; suggest "Unlike some people I know."
sit- down dinner
Close space between dash and "down"
If you put your mutt outdoors
Suggest: "outside" rather than "outdoors"--more conversational
so you can lay around
so you can lie around
Go belly ache -- "bellyache" one word
I will but I'll be right back. Comma after "will"
Oh this? It's called a gun, a pistol and back in the 1950's, a rod. It's
pretty don't you think?
Punctuation: It's called a gun, a pistol, and back in the 1950s, a rod. It's
pretty, don't you think?
You see when I shoot this gun -- Comma after "see"
key board -- one word
Honey, you are so forceful.
Suggest contraction: Honey, you're so forceful.
Yes Linda. -- Comma after "Yes"
Comment Written 09-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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Thanks for your input.
Comment from the13thpoet
Gunner Lil, that was quite the interesting story. I think it was written well. I enjoyed the characters and their dialogue as well. I found it to be very engaging and relatable up to the point when he shot the laptop. lol (bit extreme, but sometimes tough love is necessary). Good job!
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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Gunner Lil, that was quite the interesting story. I think it was written well. I enjoyed the characters and their dialogue as well. I found it to be very engaging and relatable up to the point when he shot the laptop. lol (bit extreme, but sometimes tough love is necessary). Good job!
Comment Written 09-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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Thank you!
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements splendidly as you tell a complete and engaging story through the use of dialog only. Interesting kind of foreplay those two have LOL. You have a small typo:
"hot- dog" - should be 'hotdogs'.
Good luck in the judging and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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This meets the contest requirements splendidly as you tell a complete and engaging story through the use of dialog only. Interesting kind of foreplay those two have LOL. You have a small typo:
"hot- dog" - should be 'hotdogs'.
Good luck in the judging and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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Thank you for the input!
Comment from Tanvi Pauddar
That was very fun to read. Good for all ages. The only thing is that shouldn't you have quotation marks everywhere? I could be wrong but that is what I think.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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That was very fun to read. Good for all ages. The only thing is that shouldn't you have quotation marks everywhere? I could be wrong but that is what I think.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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Most dialogue only contests do not require quotation marks. (I hope this too)
Thanks for taking the time to read.
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oh, okay. I didn't know, but thanks for telling me. Good luck.
(I am only 10)