Young Love
Boy meets girl11 total reviews
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
You have shared your experience in growing love for years and your sense and sensibility help your appreciation and secured love go to its crème so true and real love stand takes its essence and effect in the long run; well said, well done; post god speed more; positively encouraging editing, negatively not wording, forgiving errors of theist-good authors-writers. ALCREATOR LITT DEAR (D R)
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
  |
You have shared your experience in growing love for years and your sense and sensibility help your appreciation and secured love go to its crème so true and real love stand takes its essence and effect in the long run; well said, well done; post god speed more; positively encouraging editing, negatively not wording, forgiving errors of theist-good authors-writers. ALCREATOR LITT DEAR (D R)
Comment Written 28-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2022
-
Thank you for your review.
Comment from Sarah Tummey
A lovely story. It moved at just the right pace for me. The very beginning reminded me of the song "Skater Boy" - two people from very different backgrounds, but when the main characters came more alive, I started rooting for them both.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2022
|
A lovely story. It moved at just the right pace for me. The very beginning reminded me of the song "Skater Boy" - two people from very different backgrounds, but when the main characters came more alive, I started rooting for them both.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2022
-
Thank you Sarah. I really appreciate your rooting.
Comment from poetwatch
Wow! this is very nicely written. I love it. I don't know who you are author, but after reading this you have my vote. Book worm huh? Well, all that studying really paid off. You write very good, but after you post, reread your story. Sometimes mistakes are caused by the transfer. Check out you story you have a weird letter there. Good entry for the take care of your lover.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
|
Wow! this is very nicely written. I love it. I don't know who you are author, but after reading this you have my vote. Book worm huh? Well, all that studying really paid off. You write very good, but after you post, reread your story. Sometimes mistakes are caused by the transfer. Check out you story you have a weird letter there. Good entry for the take care of your lover.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
-
Thank you so much. I am so humbled by your response. Thank you for your review.
Comment from JudyE
I enjoyed reading your story. Some people are lucky enough to meet their soul-mate early in life. Although I've mentioned quite a few spags, they are all minor and didn't stop my enjoyment of your tale.
For your consideration"
In some places, paragraphs haven't been double-spaced.
I was a book worm focused on education - bookworm is one word
He really thought because his family was well-to-do, business owners and he had everything an only child could have and would be set for the rest of his life. - This might be better as 'He really thought(,) because his family was well-to-do, business owners and he had everything an only child could have(,) he would be set for the rest of his life.'
so much of the childcare was heavily lay on my shoulders. - maybe 'laid heavily on my shoulders'
set up a lemon aide stand - lemonade
I would not have to work as hard as my parents and have time to enjoy the sunsets, ocean, and mountains. - should be ' and I'd have time....'
My group of friends were not popular with the other kids, we were popular with the teachers. - should be 'was not popular' and period after 'kids'
My hair though long was always braided. - commas after 'hair' and 'long'
My friends who were very talkative suddenly became silence, lost for words. - commas after 'friends' and 'talkative'. 'silence' should be 'silent'
Salvador asked. "What's the rush? My name is Salvador, what is your name?" - comma, not period, after 'asked'. Period after 'Salvador'
She was a once in a lifetime friend. - hyphenate 'once-in-a-lifetime'
I quickly followed Liz lead, and exit the cafeteria without another word.
When we got out from the stares of everyone in the school, we laughed all the way to the candy store. - apostrophe after 'Liz'. 'Exit' should be 'exited' and maybe 'When we got away from...'
Several months later Salvador approached me again. - comma after 'later'
We were all convinced that he was in pain, we helped him to a bench. - period after 'pain'
I hope he doesn't catch anything contagious from her and walked away. - comma after 'her'
a hand me down Christmas toy. - hyphenate 'hand-me-down'
He was nobodies boyfriend - should be 'nobody's boyfriend'
I will deal with her later, I thought to myself, along - delete 'along'
The kids conspired to go, Central Park, that day. - '... conspired to go to Central Park..'
and knife cutting looks hyphenate 'knife-cutting'
degrees of temperature, hot, warm cold - comma after 'warm'
My friend Liz, Gidget and Sonia had decided - comma after 'Sonia'
Ã?? - the FS editor has done something funny here
It was a hot day, I had made fifty dollars - period after 'day'
There was no one, that I knew. - delete comma
take my hard earn money. - should be 'hard-earned'
but he did not want to offend me, or seen presumptuous. - should be 'or seem presumptuous'
When he has seen the two boys, he also knew - should be 'when he saw'
He knew the boys were from another school were troublemakers. - 'and were troublemakers'
I'm happy to give five stars after some revision.
Best wishes
Judy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
 |
I enjoyed reading your story. Some people are lucky enough to meet their soul-mate early in life. Although I've mentioned quite a few spags, they are all minor and didn't stop my enjoyment of your tale.
For your consideration"
In some places, paragraphs haven't been double-spaced.
I was a book worm focused on education - bookworm is one word
He really thought because his family was well-to-do, business owners and he had everything an only child could have and would be set for the rest of his life. - This might be better as 'He really thought(,) because his family was well-to-do, business owners and he had everything an only child could have(,) he would be set for the rest of his life.'
so much of the childcare was heavily lay on my shoulders. - maybe 'laid heavily on my shoulders'
set up a lemon aide stand - lemonade
I would not have to work as hard as my parents and have time to enjoy the sunsets, ocean, and mountains. - should be ' and I'd have time....'
My group of friends were not popular with the other kids, we were popular with the teachers. - should be 'was not popular' and period after 'kids'
My hair though long was always braided. - commas after 'hair' and 'long'
My friends who were very talkative suddenly became silence, lost for words. - commas after 'friends' and 'talkative'. 'silence' should be 'silent'
Salvador asked. "What's the rush? My name is Salvador, what is your name?" - comma, not period, after 'asked'. Period after 'Salvador'
She was a once in a lifetime friend. - hyphenate 'once-in-a-lifetime'
I quickly followed Liz lead, and exit the cafeteria without another word.
When we got out from the stares of everyone in the school, we laughed all the way to the candy store. - apostrophe after 'Liz'. 'Exit' should be 'exited' and maybe 'When we got away from...'
Several months later Salvador approached me again. - comma after 'later'
We were all convinced that he was in pain, we helped him to a bench. - period after 'pain'
I hope he doesn't catch anything contagious from her and walked away. - comma after 'her'
a hand me down Christmas toy. - hyphenate 'hand-me-down'
He was nobodies boyfriend - should be 'nobody's boyfriend'
I will deal with her later, I thought to myself, along - delete 'along'
The kids conspired to go, Central Park, that day. - '... conspired to go to Central Park..'
and knife cutting looks hyphenate 'knife-cutting'
degrees of temperature, hot, warm cold - comma after 'warm'
My friend Liz, Gidget and Sonia had decided - comma after 'Sonia'
Ã?? - the FS editor has done something funny here
It was a hot day, I had made fifty dollars - period after 'day'
There was no one, that I knew. - delete comma
take my hard earn money. - should be 'hard-earned'
but he did not want to offend me, or seen presumptuous. - should be 'or seem presumptuous'
When he has seen the two boys, he also knew - should be 'when he saw'
He knew the boys were from another school were troublemakers. - 'and were troublemakers'
I'm happy to give five stars after some revision.
Best wishes
Judy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
-
Wow, you must be a teacher. Thank you so much for putting so much care into my work. I am truly honored. I will certainly make these corrections.
-
I'm pleased I was able to help but I'm not a teacher and sometimes I get things wrong so it's okay to decide not to change something I might suggest. It's your story, after all. :)
-
Thank you. editing and editing some more.
-
Thanks.
Comment from Jan Anderegg
Is this fiction or non fiction? It reads like a true story. I hope it is. What a beautiful story it is.
I wish you all the best in the contest. I really enjoyed reading this.
Jan
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
|
Is this fiction or non fiction? It reads like a true story. I hope it is. What a beautiful story it is.
I wish you all the best in the contest. I really enjoyed reading this.
Jan
Comment Written 01-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
-
Thank you. I am so glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Rikki66
A well-told tale of young love, of the in crowd and the out crowd of a girl working hard to improve herself. Well done. Good luck with the contest.
Rikki:)
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
|
A well-told tale of young love, of the in crowd and the out crowd of a girl working hard to improve herself. Well done. Good luck with the contest.
Rikki:)
Comment Written 01-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
-
Thank you for your review.
-
you are welcome. Rikki:)
Comment from LaRosa
This story is quite realistic, and I think it's one that most can relate to.
You held my interest as I wondered how Mr. Jock, Mr. Popularity would fare with Mary and her friends. I wondered what he was up to. Was he about to play an ugly joke? How wonderful to have the sense that it is a true story and that he was actually Mr. Wonderful!
I found no SPAG but I do have a few suggestions for the story. It's possibly too late before the contest IF you want to try one or two, but maybe for a follow-up later. Remember, just suggestions, okay?
1) Create a distinction between speech and thoughts by using italics for 'thoughts'. You can use the 'advanced button' when entering the story to change plain text to italic.
2) This story would have been more fun to follow if the writer spoke in third person. As in everyday conversation, it's usually best not to speak only in the first person.
Create a bond with your reader, make it more personal. Give the main character a name right up front and let her 'converse the story' between characters. You get a deeper sense of emotion in the interaction which makes all more interesting.
Ex) ' My thoughts were different. My family was poor. '
Julie's thoughts were different. Her family was poor.
'I remember I was flabbergasted when he approached me...'
When Salvador approached her in the cafeteria, Julie
was eating lunch with her friends, (names). She was flabbergasted.
Perhaps start a dialog between the friends about what he might
be doing. Show what is happening in the lunch room around them as each friend could have his/her own input on each issue you want to point out: social status, the girl everyone knows feels she has a claim on him, etc. (Look! Boz is watching. She looks upset)
This would draw the reader in to a realistic moment in time that is happening now, not once a long time ago.
'Liz also got up, "hurry up Mary, we are going to be late for music practice." We didn't have music practice until 4:00 p.m., that day, but she knew her friend was embarrassed, and blinded with anger.
Perhaps show Liz's personality by telling it as:
Nudging Mary, Liz got up and said, "Come on, hurry up Mary,
we are going to be late..."
"It was not until years later that Salvador..."
"Years later, as Salvador lie........., he turned to her and said, "......."
Perhaps: Mary whispered in his ear, "Thank you for all the years you have protected me, my love. You have always been here for me, ever since that first day at school. Thank you."
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
|
This story is quite realistic, and I think it's one that most can relate to.
You held my interest as I wondered how Mr. Jock, Mr. Popularity would fare with Mary and her friends. I wondered what he was up to. Was he about to play an ugly joke? How wonderful to have the sense that it is a true story and that he was actually Mr. Wonderful!
I found no SPAG but I do have a few suggestions for the story. It's possibly too late before the contest IF you want to try one or two, but maybe for a follow-up later. Remember, just suggestions, okay?
1) Create a distinction between speech and thoughts by using italics for 'thoughts'. You can use the 'advanced button' when entering the story to change plain text to italic.
2) This story would have been more fun to follow if the writer spoke in third person. As in everyday conversation, it's usually best not to speak only in the first person.
Create a bond with your reader, make it more personal. Give the main character a name right up front and let her 'converse the story' between characters. You get a deeper sense of emotion in the interaction which makes all more interesting.
Ex) ' My thoughts were different. My family was poor. '
Julie's thoughts were different. Her family was poor.
'I remember I was flabbergasted when he approached me...'
When Salvador approached her in the cafeteria, Julie
was eating lunch with her friends, (names). She was flabbergasted.
Perhaps start a dialog between the friends about what he might
be doing. Show what is happening in the lunch room around them as each friend could have his/her own input on each issue you want to point out: social status, the girl everyone knows feels she has a claim on him, etc. (Look! Boz is watching. She looks upset)
This would draw the reader in to a realistic moment in time that is happening now, not once a long time ago.
'Liz also got up, "hurry up Mary, we are going to be late for music practice." We didn't have music practice until 4:00 p.m., that day, but she knew her friend was embarrassed, and blinded with anger.
Perhaps show Liz's personality by telling it as:
Nudging Mary, Liz got up and said, "Come on, hurry up Mary,
we are going to be late..."
"It was not until years later that Salvador..."
"Years later, as Salvador lie........., he turned to her and said, "......."
Perhaps: Mary whispered in his ear, "Thank you for all the years you have protected me, my love. You have always been here for me, ever since that first day at school. Thank you."
Comment Written 01-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
-
Thank you, I will consider your comments for the sequel. I really appreciate this.
Comment from beizanten
A beautiful picture. A very interesting story. It must be rough to take care of 9 siblings. a very interesting and enganging love story though a bit too long
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2019
|
A beautiful picture. A very interesting story. It must be rough to take care of 9 siblings. a very interesting and enganging love story though a bit too long
Comment Written 30-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2019
-
Thank you for your review. The requirements was 7,000 words. I cut that number in half. The average chapter of a book shouldn't be over 1,500 words, in my opinion. So yeah it's like two chapters, that's why I tried to make it interesting and compiling. Glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Cybertron1986
A very genuine and personal story. I love the colloquial voice to the reader, which made it even more enjoyable and believable. Beautiful start, and even unexpected ending. Thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2019
|
A very genuine and personal story. I love the colloquial voice to the reader, which made it even more enjoyable and believable. Beautiful start, and even unexpected ending. Thank you for sharing
Comment Written 30-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2019
-
Thank you for your review.
Comment from Diana L Crawford
This is an exquisite and beautiful love story! It is very well written and captures the follies and challenges of youth perfectly! I love how you bring the aspect of patience into play and then provide just the right moment for deserved consequences! :)
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2019
|
This is an exquisite and beautiful love story! It is very well written and captures the follies and challenges of youth perfectly! I love how you bring the aspect of patience into play and then provide just the right moment for deserved consequences! :)
Comment Written 30-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2019
-
Thank you for your review.
-
My great pleasure!
-
Thank you for your review.