Lessons in the Key of Life
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Lloyd and Joey"A music and dance teacher's improvization
36 total reviews
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Rachelle Allen,
Nice piece of General Non-Fiction having perfectly matching the theme phraseology, smooth and captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end.
Both the Lessons are worth appreciating, but I like the First more than the latter.
Lesson: To "discipline" does not mean to "punish;" it means to "teach." It is the responsibility of all adults to discipline the children in their lives. Shirking that responsibility jeopardizes everyone's well-being.
Superb!
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2019
  |
Hello Rachelle Allen,
Nice piece of General Non-Fiction having perfectly matching the theme phraseology, smooth and captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end.
Both the Lessons are worth appreciating, but I like the First more than the latter.
Lesson: To "discipline" does not mean to "punish;" it means to "teach." It is the responsibility of all adults to discipline the children in their lives. Shirking that responsibility jeopardizes everyone's well-being.
Superb!
Comment Written 13-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2019
-
That is excellent feedback; I always love knowing what has 'connected' with a reviewer. Thank you for this very much. xo
-
Most Welcome!
with best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from Sandra Elizabeth Williams
There's never a dull moment in your life at all, is there Rachelle?!
Lloyd sounds like he was really a very spoiled brat. And poor Joey!
Love reading your stories. Have a great week!
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019
|
There's never a dull moment in your life at all, is there Rachelle?!
Lloyd sounds like he was really a very spoiled brat. And poor Joey!
Love reading your stories. Have a great week!
Comment Written 11-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019
-
It seems there isn't, Sandra. I think it's because G-d gave me a sense of humor, and then He wanted to be sure it didn't go to waste! Lloyd sure tested that to its furthermost limits!!
Thank you very much for this warm and wonderful review. xo
-
You're so welcome my dear...thank goodness for your awesome thense oph humour!!!
-
Hahahahah!!
-
LoL... LoL!!!
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Aw, Rachelle, that is the saddest story I've ever heard, that poor boy. How can one child who is so creative and so sweet have a father like that and the other little lad have his parents so obviously wrapped around his little finger?? You certainly get a mix, and I honestly hope that young boy Joey did manage to get away from those awful parents. His mother was just as bad allowing her husband to behave like that with her little boy. It makes my blood boil, so I can understand how you must have felt. All I can say is, thank God you told Joey what YOU thought of him, because I expect that was the only bit of love and praise that boy got. Well done, my friend. Biggest hugs. Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019
 |
Aw, Rachelle, that is the saddest story I've ever heard, that poor boy. How can one child who is so creative and so sweet have a father like that and the other little lad have his parents so obviously wrapped around his little finger?? You certainly get a mix, and I honestly hope that young boy Joey did manage to get away from those awful parents. His mother was just as bad allowing her husband to behave like that with her little boy. It makes my blood boil, so I can understand how you must have felt. All I can say is, thank God you told Joey what YOU thought of him, because I expect that was the only bit of love and praise that boy got. Well done, my friend. Biggest hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment Written 11-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019
-
Thank you, Sandra. I so knew you would 'get' every last nuance of this piece, and, of course, you did. Thank you for this wonderful, compassionate feedback. You know how much I appreciate your words. xo
-
It's not often I can feel anger and sadness in one piece about two separate boys. You write with such passion, I can't help feel what you felt. xx
-
Thank you for that. xo
Comment from juliaSjames
I very much enjoyed your pen pictures of your students and their families. Although one was likeable and one was not, it seems they were both victims of indiscipline aka bad parenting.
Perhaps your presence in their lives, brief as it was, helped these children more than you realize. God works in mysterious ways.
Blessings, Julia
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019
|
I very much enjoyed your pen pictures of your students and their families. Although one was likeable and one was not, it seems they were both victims of indiscipline aka bad parenting.
Perhaps your presence in their lives, brief as it was, helped these children more than you realize. God works in mysterious ways.
Blessings, Julia
Comment Written 11-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019
-
Oh, Julia, what a really satisfying way to think of it. G-d bless you for these words to me this morning. xo
-
Amen. You're welcome
Comment from Michele Harber
No, the six stars are not because you're my FSBFF, but because I really think this deserves it. The first story is chock full of your incredible wit, i.e., " I now took a torch to any and all Teacher Etiquette I'd ever learned." As the wife of a retired teacher, I understand completely. The second story was chock full of pathos and heart. I realize that you want to put them together as a sort of bad kid/good kid yin and yang, but I do suggest that you separate them into chapters for two reasons. One is simply length. Each of the stories individually is the length of an average "Lessons in the Key of Life" chapter. The other reason is that each is a complete story taking place over a prolonged period of time. These aren't quick vignettes taking place over a short period of time during one lesson, like each of your interfering pet stories, for instance. Because there is so much to each of these stories, I think they each deserve their own separate spotlight.
I just have one suggested edit, in the second story. You end a sentence with "alone with the sadist he shared a name with." While it's grammatically incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition, you can often get away with it simply because that's how people speak. In this case, though, the grammatically correct way, "with whom he shared a name," is much stronger in that it highlights the point you're making that the only thing that sweet Joey shared with his sadistic father was his name.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019
|
No, the six stars are not because you're my FSBFF, but because I really think this deserves it. The first story is chock full of your incredible wit, i.e., " I now took a torch to any and all Teacher Etiquette I'd ever learned." As the wife of a retired teacher, I understand completely. The second story was chock full of pathos and heart. I realize that you want to put them together as a sort of bad kid/good kid yin and yang, but I do suggest that you separate them into chapters for two reasons. One is simply length. Each of the stories individually is the length of an average "Lessons in the Key of Life" chapter. The other reason is that each is a complete story taking place over a prolonged period of time. These aren't quick vignettes taking place over a short period of time during one lesson, like each of your interfering pet stories, for instance. Because there is so much to each of these stories, I think they each deserve their own separate spotlight.
I just have one suggested edit, in the second story. You end a sentence with "alone with the sadist he shared a name with." While it's grammatically incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition, you can often get away with it simply because that's how people speak. In this case, though, the grammatically correct way, "with whom he shared a name," is much stronger in that it highlights the point you're making that the only thing that sweet Joey shared with his sadistic father was his name.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019
-
In Real Life, they ARE separate chapters, but I lumped them together this week because one was too obnoxious and one was too sad to stand alone until the next installment. Together, they worked as a yin and yang. And although, yes, they were long that way, I know that the people on here are readers. So I chanced it, and it has turned out well. (All-time best as of this morning.)
Thank you for the extra star, FSBFF. I appreciate it very much coming from a 'tough marker' like yourself. xo
-
First of all, congratulations to you on your All Time Best. That's wonderful. Of course, you did disregard a suggestion of mine. I'm not sure we can work together. I mean, you're treating your work as though it's - gulp - your work! What did you think you did, write it or something??!!
You're very welcome for the six stars. xoxoxo
-
:)
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hi Rachelle: The interest is the interaction between the mother and Lloyd. Children need parents, not adult buddies. You have shown that accommodation seems to breed resentment. Comparing Joey and Lloyd is indeed demonstrating polar opposites and how each is stymied and diminished in totally different ways. Our postmodern society wants to make everyone the same and that "DON'T" work.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
|
Hi Rachelle: The interest is the interaction between the mother and Lloyd. Children need parents, not adult buddies. You have shown that accommodation seems to breed resentment. Comparing Joey and Lloyd is indeed demonstrating polar opposites and how each is stymied and diminished in totally different ways. Our postmodern society wants to make everyone the same and that "DON'T" work.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
-
No, that's why I love teaching one-on-one. I can really invest in each child's individual education that way, based on personalities and ability. It's rewarding but, as you see here, sometimes heart-wrenching.
I really like this review, Robert. Thank you. xo
-
I see that.
Comment from Rikki66
Lloyd the child every teacher dreads and the mother to enable him. When he has a tantrum and hurts someone the mother will say how did this happen to me?
Joey the prodigy that would not try. The talent for the arts was there but the determination was not.
Your writing is so tight and succinct I can clearly see the two boys and their parents.
Rikki
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
|
Lloyd the child every teacher dreads and the mother to enable him. When he has a tantrum and hurts someone the mother will say how did this happen to me?
Joey the prodigy that would not try. The talent for the arts was there but the determination was not.
Your writing is so tight and succinct I can clearly see the two boys and their parents.
Rikki
Comment Written 10-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
-
You completely captured the essence of these two boys, Rikki. Every writer's dream is to be understood. Thank you for making that happen for me with this excellent review. xo
Comment from Colin John
Hi Rachelle , you keep coming up with these fantastic stories and they are do well written and are a joy to read . Thanks for sharing and good luck with the compo's . Kind regards Colin and I am wearing Shoes today lol xxx
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
|
Hi Rachelle , you keep coming up with these fantastic stories and they are do well written and are a joy to read . Thanks for sharing and good luck with the compo's . Kind regards Colin and I am wearing Shoes today lol xxx
Comment Written 10-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
-
Look at you, being all grown up, Colin! So proud of you!
Thank you for this beautiful review. You always have the nicest way of making me feel accomplished. I couldn't appreciate that more. xo
-
Ha ha ha ha
Comment from Deniz22
I really like this. It held my interest all the way through. I wonder with you how things worked out for Joey? Did his dullard father's anger poison Joey's normally joyous outlook and dry up his creative juices? Is this a true story or based on such?
I am also puzzled over the father's desire to sell the piano; was it really righteous rage at the "liar" or simply a justification to get money to buy booze?
Duh! I got so caught up in the second one (Joey) I forgot to comment on the first one. Sorry! A study in contrasts; the first household is run by a tyrant brat...the second one, by a childish brute. I don't know which is worse...maybe the brute was once an undisciplined brat?
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
|
I really like this. It held my interest all the way through. I wonder with you how things worked out for Joey? Did his dullard father's anger poison Joey's normally joyous outlook and dry up his creative juices? Is this a true story or based on such?
I am also puzzled over the father's desire to sell the piano; was it really righteous rage at the "liar" or simply a justification to get money to buy booze?
Duh! I got so caught up in the second one (Joey) I forgot to comment on the first one. Sorry! A study in contrasts; the first household is run by a tyrant brat...the second one, by a childish brute. I don't know which is worse...maybe the brute was once an undisciplined brat?
Comment Written 10-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
-
I love this review, Dennis!
Yes, these are ALL true stories - not even "based" on true stories; real life true stories. I lived 'em all --and learned so much from all these lessons I taught!
Sadly, I lost track of Joey's family. I know the parents divorced, but I don't know what happened after that. My Little Voice, though, tells me that someday I WILL see Joey again, and I trust my instinct because it has never steered me wrong.
Thanks for all your good comments and interest in these children. It means a lot to me. xo
Comment from Alex Rosel
As usual, I liked this excerpt as much as your previous ones. The juxtaposing of Lloyd and Joey's stories serves to increase the power of both, and Joey's in particular. Perhaps my main doubt with your narrative is the frequency of adjectives and adverbs -- but that's personal preference.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
Judging by his round cheeks and bulging tummy, she'd made these kinds of deals with him often -- Ha, ha :)
"I weel nut be playing zee songs in zeese books," the artiste informed me. "Zay are stuPEED and ugLEE!" -- I like how you have created the French accent here :)
The most grueling lesson, by far, was when he'd started off grumpy and belligerent anyway -- This doesn't quite fit for me. To this point, you've only conveyed him as grumpy and belligerent. So, the anyway is sort of a disjoint. Maybe as usual instead of anyway?
"I DON'T WANT TO SIGHTREAD!" he bellowed insolently, his teeth clenched for effect, arms folded tightly across himself. -- I'd omit the insolently. It's only telling what the remainder of the sentence is already showing.
Karate-chopping one different note on the keyboard with each syllable, he spat out, "I. AM. VERY. MAD. AT. YOU!" -- I love this imagery :)
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
|
As usual, I liked this excerpt as much as your previous ones. The juxtaposing of Lloyd and Joey's stories serves to increase the power of both, and Joey's in particular. Perhaps my main doubt with your narrative is the frequency of adjectives and adverbs -- but that's personal preference.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
Judging by his round cheeks and bulging tummy, she'd made these kinds of deals with him often -- Ha, ha :)
"I weel nut be playing zee songs in zeese books," the artiste informed me. "Zay are stuPEED and ugLEE!" -- I like how you have created the French accent here :)
The most grueling lesson, by far, was when he'd started off grumpy and belligerent anyway -- This doesn't quite fit for me. To this point, you've only conveyed him as grumpy and belligerent. So, the anyway is sort of a disjoint. Maybe as usual instead of anyway?
"I DON'T WANT TO SIGHTREAD!" he bellowed insolently, his teeth clenched for effect, arms folded tightly across himself. -- I'd omit the insolently. It's only telling what the remainder of the sentence is already showing.
Karate-chopping one different note on the keyboard with each syllable, he spat out, "I. AM. VERY. MAD. AT. YOU!" -- I love this imagery :)
Comment Written 10-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019
-
Yes, I like these suggestions very much, Alex, and will get right to them. Thank you for sharing your expertise. (This is why I love FS; people with more writing chops are generous about helping. I appreciate it very much!)
Thanks for the positive comments, too. Coming from such an accomplished writer, they matter to me. xo