Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Reunion "From one life to another
9 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
I see this is a chapter from a book. It has a lot going for it. Good, likable characters, a believable plot. A relaxed narrative flow.
There are a couple of areas I would draw your attention to. First, your use of the present tense. As soon as I see this, my nose goes into sniffing mode because the odds are good that you will begin to drift into the past tense. To an editor, this is a big no-no, and most editors will guess that the writer has not been in the game too long.
The second thing I'd point out to you, is your use of euphemisms. A penis is a penis is a penis. It's not a daggar. It's not a sausage. A reader who discovers the euphemistic choices will only smile and wonder why the writer isn't being more honest with the reader.
I certainly hope you don't think I'm being too harsh about this. I'm not trying to hurt you, but I felt it needed to be said. If the subject matter is sexual, don't be afraid to use direct, sexual language. Anything less draws the reader out of the story, usually with a jolt. And one of your responsibilities as a writer is to control the emotions of the reader through your choice of language.
Here are some expamples of your tense lapses:
He tried to reassure me, acting like the parent I had lost. [You need to make sure your tenses are consistent. If you start in the present tense, you should remain in the present tense.]
With the door closed, I tossed her some clothes he had left her. [You slipped into the past tense here]
The glint from her piercings drew my attention, and she quickly covered herself [Again, you drifted into the past tense. Present tense is a difficult and unnatural tense to consistently stay in But it's absolutely essential, if you don't want to create a jarring experience for your reader.]
Lips curled into a smile, [Past tense]
Her impatience oozed off her [Past tense: Note: I won't point out any more of them. But you need to go through and change them all to present tense. It's really affecting the unity of your piece.]
Please don't take my commentary to mean that you are not a good writer. I believe you have a lot of potential, as long as you write with an eye and ear to improvement.
Jay Squires
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2021
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I see this is a chapter from a book. It has a lot going for it. Good, likable characters, a believable plot. A relaxed narrative flow.
There are a couple of areas I would draw your attention to. First, your use of the present tense. As soon as I see this, my nose goes into sniffing mode because the odds are good that you will begin to drift into the past tense. To an editor, this is a big no-no, and most editors will guess that the writer has not been in the game too long.
The second thing I'd point out to you, is your use of euphemisms. A penis is a penis is a penis. It's not a daggar. It's not a sausage. A reader who discovers the euphemistic choices will only smile and wonder why the writer isn't being more honest with the reader.
I certainly hope you don't think I'm being too harsh about this. I'm not trying to hurt you, but I felt it needed to be said. If the subject matter is sexual, don't be afraid to use direct, sexual language. Anything less draws the reader out of the story, usually with a jolt. And one of your responsibilities as a writer is to control the emotions of the reader through your choice of language.
Here are some expamples of your tense lapses:
He tried to reassure me, acting like the parent I had lost. [You need to make sure your tenses are consistent. If you start in the present tense, you should remain in the present tense.]
With the door closed, I tossed her some clothes he had left her. [You slipped into the past tense here]
The glint from her piercings drew my attention, and she quickly covered herself [Again, you drifted into the past tense. Present tense is a difficult and unnatural tense to consistently stay in But it's absolutely essential, if you don't want to create a jarring experience for your reader.]
Lips curled into a smile, [Past tense]
Her impatience oozed off her [Past tense: Note: I won't point out any more of them. But you need to go through and change them all to present tense. It's really affecting the unity of your piece.]
Please don't take my commentary to mean that you are not a good writer. I believe you have a lot of potential, as long as you write with an eye and ear to improvement.
Jay Squires
Comment Written 20-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2021
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Thank you, Jay Squires. This is exactly the type of feedback I'm looking for. Tense is definitely something I have had difficulty with.
My other worry is telling rather than showing.
Comment from meg blake
This is the first time ever reading this. I just want to say I'd love to read the full thing. I think I would enjoy it a lot. Good job! It is amazing.
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
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This is the first time ever reading this. I just want to say I'd love to read the full thing. I think I would enjoy it a lot. Good job! It is amazing.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2021
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2021
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Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed reading my work.
Comment from Jan Anderegg
A very interesting chapter. I found it a little difficult to figure out what was going on but that is to be expected when I haven't been following earlier chapters. I didn't see any edits needed. It's well written.
All the best,
Jan
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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A very interesting chapter. I found it a little difficult to figure out what was going on but that is to be expected when I haven't been following earlier chapters. I didn't see any edits needed. It's well written.
All the best,
Jan
Comment Written 03-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Thank you very must for the review Janilou.
Comment from Alex Rosel
I haven't read any of the previous chapters, so I come to this cold.
I think your narrative displays that you've created a detailed fictive world. And, from this excerpt, everything seems to be consistent within your creation :)
Fantasy isn't really a favored genre of mine, but I think aficionados will want to continue reading :)
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
and I grab her shoulder gently shaking her. -- The repeat of the pronoun here can be avoided. Something like this is, I think, better: and I gently shake her shoulder.
As an aside, as a general rule of thumb, in first-person present tense narrative, verbs ending in "ing" are often not the best option. Hence, I looked to replace shaking by shake as well as cutting out the unnecessary repeat of the pronoun. The reason for this is that "ing" ending verbs usually explicitly or implicitly carry an adverb. In this case "am", and that's indicative of a narrative that tells rather than shows. In the case here, I ["am" is implied here] shaking her shoulder versus I [no "am" is implied here] shake her shoulder.
she yells, trying to pull the purses from her hands using her teeth -- You do this a lot: [He/she said] [comma] + [action]. There nothing wrong with this, but personally, when a predominance of dialogue carries this tag format in a short space of prose, as you have done here, I find it a obviously repetitive. For me, that's a distraction. Just saying...
until her eyes spot someone kneeling by to pond -- Spag? by the pond?
As she rises to her feet -- This is an ill-defined pronoun; you have more than one female in this paragraph, she could be used for either.
Not even thinking I punch him square in the jaw, -- Spag? Insert a comma after thinking?
I look forward to reading more of your up-coming posts to see how this plot develops :)
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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I haven't read any of the previous chapters, so I come to this cold.
I think your narrative displays that you've created a detailed fictive world. And, from this excerpt, everything seems to be consistent within your creation :)
Fantasy isn't really a favored genre of mine, but I think aficionados will want to continue reading :)
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
and I grab her shoulder gently shaking her. -- The repeat of the pronoun here can be avoided. Something like this is, I think, better: and I gently shake her shoulder.
As an aside, as a general rule of thumb, in first-person present tense narrative, verbs ending in "ing" are often not the best option. Hence, I looked to replace shaking by shake as well as cutting out the unnecessary repeat of the pronoun. The reason for this is that "ing" ending verbs usually explicitly or implicitly carry an adverb. In this case "am", and that's indicative of a narrative that tells rather than shows. In the case here, I ["am" is implied here] shaking her shoulder versus I [no "am" is implied here] shake her shoulder.
she yells, trying to pull the purses from her hands using her teeth -- You do this a lot: [He/she said] [comma] + [action]. There nothing wrong with this, but personally, when a predominance of dialogue carries this tag format in a short space of prose, as you have done here, I find it a obviously repetitive. For me, that's a distraction. Just saying...
until her eyes spot someone kneeling by to pond -- Spag? by the pond?
As she rises to her feet -- This is an ill-defined pronoun; you have more than one female in this paragraph, she could be used for either.
Not even thinking I punch him square in the jaw, -- Spag? Insert a comma after thinking?
I look forward to reading more of your up-coming posts to see how this plot develops :)
Comment Written 03-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Thank you for the feedback Alex Rosel. This type of review are the ones I'm often looking for, its helps me greatly.
Comment from Ed2039
This is well written with the exception of a couple of minor misspells. I'm jumping in the middle here, but it looks like a good read with a West meets East story line and lots of intrigue.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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This is well written with the exception of a couple of minor misspells. I'm jumping in the middle here, but it looks like a good read with a West meets East story line and lots of intrigue.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2019
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Thank you for the review Ed2039.
Comment from Lance S. Loria
"...grab to gag" should be grab the gag...
Order
"From whom over owns you" should be whom ever...".
"As she stocks Becka's head" should be "strokes"
"She walks towards." Need to add "me" ar end.
"...we return our attention Becka...". Insert "to" Becka.
"Introduces herself a Runa" should be "as"
"...requested that we met with her..." should be "meet".
"...we all head to the Giselle's..." delete "the".
"...with smile she walks towards Runa." Insert "a" smile.
"...I'm leaving, there no point to this." Should be "there's"
"You were not given permission to live" should be "leave."
I caught lots of typos and needed edits. In addition there are some areas that could use re-writes for clarity and flow. Only so much I can do in a review.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2019
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"...grab to gag" should be grab the gag...
Order
"From whom over owns you" should be whom ever...".
"As she stocks Becka's head" should be "strokes"
"She walks towards." Need to add "me" ar end.
"...we return our attention Becka...". Insert "to" Becka.
"Introduces herself a Runa" should be "as"
"...requested that we met with her..." should be "meet".
"...we all head to the Giselle's..." delete "the".
"...with smile she walks towards Runa." Insert "a" smile.
"...I'm leaving, there no point to this." Should be "there's"
"You were not given permission to live" should be "leave."
I caught lots of typos and needed edits. In addition there are some areas that could use re-writes for clarity and flow. Only so much I can do in a review.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2019
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Lance Loria, thank you for taking to time to give me a review. I appreciate all the good constructive criticism.
I will try and get a few more eyes on my work. Are there any suggestions on how I can improve clarity and flow?
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Take care of the typos, grammar and suggested edits. Then reply to this and I?ll go over it again.
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Hello Lance Loria, I corrected the typos and grammar that was pointed out.
Comment from Earl Corp
Thisvis war and history fiction, what era and what war are you writing about? I found a lot of editing errors
1.Passed should be past,
2. To gag should be the gag.
3.them should be then.
4. i(I)t
5. over should be ever.
6. being should be bringing.
8. Did you mean irritated instead of eradiated
9. Should cheat be chest?
10. attention (to)
11. Did you mean braids instead of breads?
12. Turing should be turning.
When you fix them let me know and I'll up my rating.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2019
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Thisvis war and history fiction, what era and what war are you writing about? I found a lot of editing errors
1.Passed should be past,
2. To gag should be the gag.
3.them should be then.
4. i(I)t
5. over should be ever.
6. being should be bringing.
8. Did you mean irritated instead of eradiated
9. Should cheat be chest?
10. attention (to)
11. Did you mean braids instead of breads?
12. Turing should be turning.
When you fix them let me know and I'll up my rating.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2019
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Earl Corp thank you for taking the time to give me a review. I appreciate all the constructive criticism.
The era and war is original work, however, I get a lot of references from the Roman Empire, and surrounding cultures.
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Hello Earl Corp, I fixed the typos and grammar mistakes that were pointed out. However, I believe that I missed number 4.
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Hello Earl Corp, I fixed the typos and grammar mistakes that were pointed out. However, I believe that I missed number 4.
Comment from Jason 81
Wow, absolutely incredible.the combination of the plot and continuity played a major role in the tone of the story.it is a masterpiece of a good content.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2019
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Wow, absolutely incredible.the combination of the plot and continuity played a major role in the tone of the story.it is a masterpiece of a good content.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2019
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Thank you for the review Jason 81.
Comment from Sam Frearson-Tubito
Hi Rinshikai, I was a little confused when I first started reading your piece but then realized it was Chapter 5! I will now go back and read Chapter 1. I'm looking forward to it. Even though I don't know the background of your story as I'm diving into Chapter 5 I found your characters and plot intriguing. I definitely want to read more. Carry on!
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2019
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Hi Rinshikai, I was a little confused when I first started reading your piece but then realized it was Chapter 5! I will now go back and read Chapter 1. I'm looking forward to it. Even though I don't know the background of your story as I'm diving into Chapter 5 I found your characters and plot intriguing. I definitely want to read more. Carry on!
Comment Written 07-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2019
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Thank you for the review Sam Frearson-Tubito. Hope you enjoy chapters 1-4