Reunited
True Love Never Dies4 total reviews
Comment from Patty Palmer
Great! I really enjoyed the story. It kept my interest the rntre way through. The only thing that you might do is recheck your spelling. Those auto correct things drive me nuts!
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2019
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Great! I really enjoyed the story. It kept my interest the rntre way through. The only thing that you might do is recheck your spelling. Those auto correct things drive me nuts!
Comment Written 01-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2019
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thank you for your review
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You're welcome!
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer, (3)
Whew. That was a great ride. *smile* The writing was amazing and the storyline was just super. Though we knew the couple would end up together, it was fun watching it happen, and you provided just enough surprises to make it seem real and natural -- and possible!
You do need to have a serious study on the use of commas -- *smile* -- sorry. But that, along with the notes below were really the only exceptions to the lovely writing I mentioned. They distracted a bit - and will certainly cause you some trouble with editors when you submit. Even the best writing will be set aside for lesser work if the pros have to do too much to make it shine. It's well worth doing a little homework on your side to help with that. Honest = not trying to sound rude, just telling it like it is. (And sorry if I sound a certain way - you may surely know far more than me!!)
I find it hard to believe that you didn't write this up on a word processor first - yes? So, be sure to watch all the places that the prograpm flags for you to check - the nits/spags/etc. That will help with some things - then you have to be willing to notice certain things that you have a tendency to do over and over - whether it's the overuse of certain words, misspelling the same words, punctuating dialogue inappropriately, etc (these are just examples - not directed at you) and then make a list - every time you complete a piece, go down the list and check each thing...
More notes:
1.) wide hips impatiently waiting for the (signal) he was free to go.
2.) at her locker with a flower thanking her (for the) help.
3.) he was bad news(.) I should have him arrested for corrupting the (innocence) of my only daughter."
4.) your daughter to go along for the ride(. S)he made that decision for
5.) "No(!)" Lauran screamed.
6.) to come face to face with the broad shouldered (soldier).
7.) "NO!" the two teenagers screamed in (unison)
8.) throat gently, "it's over now(, W)hy don't we just let it go and head home(?)"
9.) away remained encased in each other's (embrace).
10.) deep into each other's eyes saying more (than) words ever could.
11.) acquiring a mask of wintry flakes (a)waiting her husband's command and instructions.
12.) The young (lovers) held on to each other fighting for ever(y) last second they could get as their (fathers) forced them apart.
--> neither of the nouns is possessive
13.) Their grip began to loosen causing their arms (to slide) down each other's shoulders.
14.) They grip(p)ed one another's arms with every muscle
15.) Stripping down, she walked to her shower turning on the water.
--> Stripping down, she walked to her shower (and turned) on the
--> otherwise, it sounds like she can turn it on on the way...
16.) Digging in his (heels) the taller of the men pushed off the ground
17.) remembering the promise he made to (h)is mother.
18.) what they (k)new best, the military. Unable to reveal details of missions the(y) made empty conversation filling the time.
19.) Slapping his knees the young (soldier) stood followed by his father.
20.) Dangling a small (flask) between her long fingers Amy
21.) Reaching (past) her cup of coffee Lauran took hold of the flask.
22.) Quickly downing a shot or two before the handsome man entered the building(. S)he clenched the (flask) in her hand.
--> the previous sentence says he already entered
23.) Holding up a garment bag Amy (slid) by Lauran entering the apartment.
24.) "Oh Amy, I look pretty.(") New paragraph- (")You always look pretty(.)" Amy paused.
25.) Looking into his rear view mirror he (stared) back at himself wondering
26.) jumped in the shower as his mind (wandered) back to that
27.) Hearts (racing) their hands explored each other's bodies
And, as I said, I did not mark the mistakes concerning commas. I hate, hate, hate to reduce the rating due to errors in communicating when the writing is this good. Please let me know when you edit. Much good luck in the voting!
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2019
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Dear Mystery Writer, (3)
Whew. That was a great ride. *smile* The writing was amazing and the storyline was just super. Though we knew the couple would end up together, it was fun watching it happen, and you provided just enough surprises to make it seem real and natural -- and possible!
You do need to have a serious study on the use of commas -- *smile* -- sorry. But that, along with the notes below were really the only exceptions to the lovely writing I mentioned. They distracted a bit - and will certainly cause you some trouble with editors when you submit. Even the best writing will be set aside for lesser work if the pros have to do too much to make it shine. It's well worth doing a little homework on your side to help with that. Honest = not trying to sound rude, just telling it like it is. (And sorry if I sound a certain way - you may surely know far more than me!!)
I find it hard to believe that you didn't write this up on a word processor first - yes? So, be sure to watch all the places that the prograpm flags for you to check - the nits/spags/etc. That will help with some things - then you have to be willing to notice certain things that you have a tendency to do over and over - whether it's the overuse of certain words, misspelling the same words, punctuating dialogue inappropriately, etc (these are just examples - not directed at you) and then make a list - every time you complete a piece, go down the list and check each thing...
More notes:
1.) wide hips impatiently waiting for the (signal) he was free to go.
2.) at her locker with a flower thanking her (for the) help.
3.) he was bad news(.) I should have him arrested for corrupting the (innocence) of my only daughter."
4.) your daughter to go along for the ride(. S)he made that decision for
5.) "No(!)" Lauran screamed.
6.) to come face to face with the broad shouldered (soldier).
7.) "NO!" the two teenagers screamed in (unison)
8.) throat gently, "it's over now(, W)hy don't we just let it go and head home(?)"
9.) away remained encased in each other's (embrace).
10.) deep into each other's eyes saying more (than) words ever could.
11.) acquiring a mask of wintry flakes (a)waiting her husband's command and instructions.
12.) The young (lovers) held on to each other fighting for ever(y) last second they could get as their (fathers) forced them apart.
--> neither of the nouns is possessive
13.) Their grip began to loosen causing their arms (to slide) down each other's shoulders.
14.) They grip(p)ed one another's arms with every muscle
15.) Stripping down, she walked to her shower turning on the water.
--> Stripping down, she walked to her shower (and turned) on the
--> otherwise, it sounds like she can turn it on on the way...
16.) Digging in his (heels) the taller of the men pushed off the ground
17.) remembering the promise he made to (h)is mother.
18.) what they (k)new best, the military. Unable to reveal details of missions the(y) made empty conversation filling the time.
19.) Slapping his knees the young (soldier) stood followed by his father.
20.) Dangling a small (flask) between her long fingers Amy
21.) Reaching (past) her cup of coffee Lauran took hold of the flask.
22.) Quickly downing a shot or two before the handsome man entered the building(. S)he clenched the (flask) in her hand.
--> the previous sentence says he already entered
23.) Holding up a garment bag Amy (slid) by Lauran entering the apartment.
24.) "Oh Amy, I look pretty.(") New paragraph- (")You always look pretty(.)" Amy paused.
25.) Looking into his rear view mirror he (stared) back at himself wondering
26.) jumped in the shower as his mind (wandered) back to that
27.) Hearts (racing) their hands explored each other's bodies
And, as I said, I did not mark the mistakes concerning commas. I hate, hate, hate to reduce the rating due to errors in communicating when the writing is this good. Please let me know when you edit. Much good luck in the voting!
Comment Written 01-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2019
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Thank you for the review and the helpful notes. I am sorry it took me so long to get back to you my daughter just had a baby. I will look into the corrections you have suggested and let you know when I have cleared them up.
Comment from susand3022
Hello Author, I laughed so hard I coughed... well... it's morning! With the door still open??? really??? That's funny! LOL, Well, so much for all their careful preparation, and their nerves... they never even got the door closed. Hahahahaha!!! Wait until Amy hears... wait until her FATHER hears!!! Oh, I want to be a fly on THAT wall! (or the one at the wedding with both fathers there... lol) That was a fun story. :)
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2019
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Hello Author, I laughed so hard I coughed... well... it's morning! With the door still open??? really??? That's funny! LOL, Well, so much for all their careful preparation, and their nerves... they never even got the door closed. Hahahahaha!!! Wait until Amy hears... wait until her FATHER hears!!! Oh, I want to be a fly on THAT wall! (or the one at the wedding with both fathers there... lol) That was a fun story. :)
Comment Written 01-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2019
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thank you for the review. I am so glad you liked the story.
Comment from RodG
This story was a fun read though perhaps longer than it needed to be. What you do best is CHARACTERIZE Lauran and Alex so well you make the reader root for them. This you do most impressively through dialog, especially with their friends (I love Amy). The story itself rates six stars, but there is no excusing the lack of proofreading. Go over your spelling carefully before the voting starts. Rod
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2019
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This story was a fun read though perhaps longer than it needed to be. What you do best is CHARACTERIZE Lauran and Alex so well you make the reader root for them. This you do most impressively through dialog, especially with their friends (I love Amy). The story itself rates six stars, but there is no excusing the lack of proofreading. Go over your spelling carefully before the voting starts. Rod
Comment Written 01-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2019
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Thank you so much for your review. I am so glad you liked the story.
