People We Once Knew
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Music Lessons"Short Stories
7 total reviews
Comment from susand3022
Hi Estory!
This was a fun one... how many kids back then, or probably today, wanted to start a rock band?!!! I can name more than one... my brother was in one in college. He was on stage in the Student Union one afternoon singing Billy Idol to me... "Hey, little sister what have you done..." when a girl came over and asked if I was his girlfriend... "Ummm... NO! I'm his sister!" LOL (his big sister... but still! and it's not as if we don't look alike!) Was doing the 'apples and trees' thing earlier today, talking about my sister and one of her daughters... neither can spell or write at all... both are dreadful, texting them is just funny in itself. ;)
I did find a couple of typos:
Fourth paragraph "...playing kick (the) can..." also "...(tie-dyed t-shirts)..."
In the paragraph that begins: "There were a couple of girls..."
"They bought a lava lamp from a home (decor) store..."
That's all I saw! It's a fine, fun story. I enjoyed it a lot! :)
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Hi Estory!
This was a fun one... how many kids back then, or probably today, wanted to start a rock band?!!! I can name more than one... my brother was in one in college. He was on stage in the Student Union one afternoon singing Billy Idol to me... "Hey, little sister what have you done..." when a girl came over and asked if I was his girlfriend... "Ummm... NO! I'm his sister!" LOL (his big sister... but still! and it's not as if we don't look alike!) Was doing the 'apples and trees' thing earlier today, talking about my sister and one of her daughters... neither can spell or write at all... both are dreadful, texting them is just funny in itself. ;)
I did find a couple of typos:
Fourth paragraph "...playing kick (the) can..." also "...(tie-dyed t-shirts)..."
In the paragraph that begins: "There were a couple of girls..."
"They bought a lava lamp from a home (decor) store..."
That's all I saw! It's a fine, fun story. I enjoyed it a lot! :)
Comment Written 06-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and for your perspective on the story, I always enjoy reading about memories and experiences the stories call to mind. Will take a look at the typos; I thought I checked it over but maybe a missed a couple of things...estory
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Yeah, I enjoyed this piece very much. There's an almost conversational tone to the piece which enhances the story being told. It also rings very true in regard to the situation where a thousand tales of forgotten bands have rested, lol
Few bits & pieces I noted as I read through-
run of the mill - maybe hyphenate this.
If you walked passed one of their houses, - in this instance it would be past.
remembered them for playing kick he can - kick the can.
s was a rather condescending, stiff gentleman - maybe invert the descriptors here.
The interactions between the boys and their fathers rings very true and depict so many archetypes.
"They live a loose life style.- life style can be a single word here.
"I don't care where you practice," the father retorted, raising his voice and waving his arms, "It's not about where you practice. It's about what you're doing with your life."- you need to close off the first piece of dialogue or sentence with a full stop / period before the second bit of dialogue
kicks in.
pinning up Pink Floyd and Who posters, - The Who.
lava lamp from a home d�©cor store - needs edited for code here.
her fingers through her long, blond hair. - generally blonde for female, blond for male.
"We want to get the sound right," Eddy said confidently, "For you." - same rule as before in regard to continuing dialogue. if the previous isn't closed off then the second piece needs to start lower case.
"It sounded like Stairway To Heaven," Christine told him, "Kind of."- same thing here. There are some more of these later on as well.
Maybe we can even hang them up on the telephone poles around town." - need opening speech marks here.
under the hood of someone's skylark, in the lights. - Skylark.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Hi there,
Yeah, I enjoyed this piece very much. There's an almost conversational tone to the piece which enhances the story being told. It also rings very true in regard to the situation where a thousand tales of forgotten bands have rested, lol
Few bits & pieces I noted as I read through-
run of the mill - maybe hyphenate this.
If you walked passed one of their houses, - in this instance it would be past.
remembered them for playing kick he can - kick the can.
s was a rather condescending, stiff gentleman - maybe invert the descriptors here.
The interactions between the boys and their fathers rings very true and depict so many archetypes.
"They live a loose life style.- life style can be a single word here.
"I don't care where you practice," the father retorted, raising his voice and waving his arms, "It's not about where you practice. It's about what you're doing with your life."- you need to close off the first piece of dialogue or sentence with a full stop / period before the second bit of dialogue
kicks in.
pinning up Pink Floyd and Who posters, - The Who.
lava lamp from a home d�©cor store - needs edited for code here.
her fingers through her long, blond hair. - generally blonde for female, blond for male.
"We want to get the sound right," Eddy said confidently, "For you." - same rule as before in regard to continuing dialogue. if the previous isn't closed off then the second piece needs to start lower case.
"It sounded like Stairway To Heaven," Christine told him, "Kind of."- same thing here. There are some more of these later on as well.
Maybe we can even hang them up on the telephone poles around town." - need opening speech marks here.
under the hood of someone's skylark, in the lights. - Skylark.
All the best
G
Comment Written 05-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Thanks for the review and suggestions, glad the story resonated for you, my friend. It needs a better edit, I guess. But I am glad the relaxed style and personal tone made the story come alive. estory
Comment from Gail Denham
It is an interesting story - a bit longer (in my view) than it needs to be -it picks up when they get to practicing and trying to perform. A nit-pick would be to cut the length and do more "showing," not telling.
You do have dialog - but much of this could be simply told in dialog and in action.
I believe there's the basis for a pretty good story - the ending is predictable but good as a teaching moment.
Good luck with your writing.
Also perhaps stay in one person's viewpoint - that might also strengthen the story and make it stronger.
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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It is an interesting story - a bit longer (in my view) than it needs to be -it picks up when they get to practicing and trying to perform. A nit-pick would be to cut the length and do more "showing," not telling.
You do have dialog - but much of this could be simply told in dialog and in action.
I believe there's the basis for a pretty good story - the ending is predictable but good as a teaching moment.
Good luck with your writing.
Also perhaps stay in one person's viewpoint - that might also strengthen the story and make it stronger.
Comment Written 05-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Thanks for the excellent review and your perspective and suggestions for the story. I wanted to do this in third person to give it some perspective, some distance between characters and audience. It is a simple, predictable story, in many ways. I enjoyed trying to put some personality to it, as an exercise. estory
Comment from 24chas
I really enjoyed this story, Estory. It was a good read and kept my attention all the way through with all the misadventures that go along with being in a band. Definitely takes me back to that time period. Great job.
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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I really enjoyed this story, Estory. It was a good read and kept my attention all the way through with all the misadventures that go along with being in a band. Definitely takes me back to that time period. Great job.
Comment Written 05-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Thanks for the excellent review and your comments and perspectives supporting the story. Glad it took you back to those crazy times of our youth. In retrospective, it seems like a simpler time, now. estory
Comment from Tootsie55
This was a great story. What's your vintage by the way? Sounds like you might be same era as me. Geoff(sankey) on Tootsie55's account. Now some spags and suggstions. playing (")kick (-t)he(-) can(") so loudly
IN the following it is a FS mess up Fs does not like particular expression marks for some reason...from a home d�©cor store
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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This was a great story. What's your vintage by the way? Sounds like you might be same era as me. Geoff(sankey) on Tootsie55's account. Now some spags and suggstions. playing (")kick (-t)he(-) can(") so loudly
IN the following it is a FS mess up Fs does not like particular expression marks for some reason...from a home d�©cor store
Comment Written 04-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Thanks for the excellent review and I am glad you enjoyed the story. I think FS needs to clean up this issue with the French accent marks in some words. its not our fault here. And it looks good when you transcribe it. I am of that progressive era of rock; Genesis, Yes, ELP, Pink Floyd and King Crimson. Saw so many concerts my hearing is going now...LOL estory
Comment from lucky linda
I really like the time frame you chose, when the teens all identified with rock and roll. We all had dreams and you showed how some can get deeply into their own, bring others along and the how the most minor events can kill them forever. Thanks for sharing. Good Job
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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I really like the time frame you chose, when the teens all identified with rock and roll. We all had dreams and you showed how some can get deeply into their own, bring others along and the how the most minor events can kill them forever. Thanks for sharing. Good Job
Comment Written 04-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Thanks for the excellent review and for your comments and perspective on this trip down memory lane for many of us. I am glad the story seemed to come alive for you and brought back those times. estory
Comment from royowen
I had to have a giggle at this, I was the lead singer in a moderately sussessful Rock band...you guessed it, in the sixties, I was in my twenties. The band was quite good, we had a great lead guitarist, the band, I named "Libido", which the drummers mum changed to "Le Bido" the gigs went well until the lead guitarist's wife carried on with the rhythm guitarist, and, as they say in the classics, that was that. Heh heh. So you see I understand. Well done, I think this is the way of the world! , good writing, blessings, Roy ,
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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I had to have a giggle at this, I was the lead singer in a moderately sussessful Rock band...you guessed it, in the sixties, I was in my twenties. The band was quite good, we had a great lead guitarist, the band, I named "Libido", which the drummers mum changed to "Le Bido" the gigs went well until the lead guitarist's wife carried on with the rhythm guitarist, and, as they say in the classics, that was that. Heh heh. So you see I understand. Well done, I think this is the way of the world! , good writing, blessings, Roy ,
Comment Written 04-May-2019
reply by the author on 06-May-2019
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and for your wonderful comments on what the story brought to life for you; all those crazy moments from what seemed like such a crazy time. Now looking back, it seems like a simpler time. estory
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It was