A Fly on the Wall
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "On Being Uninhibited"A journal musings and assessments about situations
26 total reviews
Comment from A. Willow Bends
Excellent job! I didn't get as caught up in this one, but it is probably MY fault. Distractions. Some of your work is highly exceptional, thus the providing of the sixes. This one is great, but in all honesty, not one of my favorites based on the superior things I have read, so I did a 5. PLEASE do not hate me. It is very good. Just didn't grab me as your other work has.
Hugs????
Wendy
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2019
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Excellent job! I didn't get as caught up in this one, but it is probably MY fault. Distractions. Some of your work is highly exceptional, thus the providing of the sixes. This one is great, but in all honesty, not one of my favorites based on the superior things I have read, so I did a 5. PLEASE do not hate me. It is very good. Just didn't grab me as your other work has.
Hugs????
Wendy
Comment Written 25-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2019
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Oh, Wendy; you slay me!! How in the world could I hate you for a five and a VERY nice review?! If you don't tell me when you don't like something, I don't grow as a writer. We have to be able to say what we really think about the work we post. You can be honest with me; I will always appreciate your candor. I promise. xo
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This is one of the things I really like about you!
Wendy
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Those words just made my night, sweet friend. Thank you. xo
Comment from shaffer40
I'm unable to give it six stars; otherwise I would. It's such an astute observation and so well written. I'm 78, have exercised all my life, and I've been known to do some stand-up-on-the-curb-with-one-foot-and-then-the-other while I wait for buses--less conspicuously than your subject, I'm afraid. I am less uninhibited, unfortunately. I admire your crossing guard. Your writing is always good.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2019
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I'm unable to give it six stars; otherwise I would. It's such an astute observation and so well written. I'm 78, have exercised all my life, and I've been known to do some stand-up-on-the-curb-with-one-foot-and-then-the-other while I wait for buses--less conspicuously than your subject, I'm afraid. I am less uninhibited, unfortunately. I admire your crossing guard. Your writing is always good.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2019
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Thanks, Shaffer40! You're smart to continue to exercise - for the body as well as the mind!!
You know what I've found fascinating about the reviews for this piece? All our fellow writers have admitted to being very inhibited. I don't think that's a coincidence; do you?!
Anyway, thank you for this terrific review. You are always very generous to me with your words and stars. xo
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I think we inhibited souls confirm what you say in your story.
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I think you are completely right!! xo
Comment from Michele Harber
Hi FSBFF. As promised, here, finally, is my review, and I think it might surprise you a bit. While I enjoy the story of the uninhibited crossing guard, I actually think you're using too much detail in certain areas.
This is a "small" story in that it doesn't have a lot of action. It simply describes a crossing guard who does isometric exercises without inhibition, and the effect seeing that has on you. There isn't an in-depth plot line with which to capture the reader's attention, so I think your narrative needs to be compact as well to keep the reader's focus. I'm not talking about major changes, just a few minor ones that will make a difference.
For instance, in your first paragraph, you have a very long sentence: "While crossing guards stand out anyway, by virtue of their brimmed hats and neon green overcoats or vests, depending on the weather, this particular guard grabs my attention for an additional reason: She actually does sets of isometric exercises while manning her post." Look at the distance between "anyway" and the follow-up to that thought, "this particular guard grabs my attention ..." You don't need "depending on the weather," as the reader can figure that out and, if you choose, you don't even need to specify "overcoats or vests." You can simply say "neon green outerwear" or "safety-wear." Thus, your sentence would become the much tighter, "While crossing guards stand out anyway, by virtue of their brimmed hats and neon green safety-wear, this particular guard grabs my attention for an additional reason: She actually does sets of isometric exercises while manning her post."
Also, where you say, "Next, she ambles, toes out, twenty steps forward, twenty steps back (I've counted these, myself, since her back is turned at this point, so I cannot lip-read)," you could simply stop the parenthetical comment after "I've counted these myself," and get back to your story. You follow that up with, "then does a like number forward and backward toeing in," where you could simply say, "then does a like number, toes in."
Where you say, "I know plenty of retirees who would no more exercise on an assigned street corner while in a crossing guard uniform than they would throw one of those little kindergartners into oncoming traffic," it dawned on me that you hadn't mentioned kindergartners before in the story, so they can't be "those little kindergartners," nor have you even mentioned that the woman is a retiree, only that she's old. Why not simplify and clarify the sentence to, "I know plenty of older people who would no more exercise on a street corner while in a crossing guard uniform than they would throw a child into oncoming traffic," (or choose a less upsetting comparison).
In your paragraph about children being uninhibited, you say, "Others rebel awhile but relent eventually-possibly begrudgingly-to What's Expected." If they're already rebelling, we can assume that they will only relent begrudgingly, so you can drop "possibly begrudgingly" from your sentence.
In the laboratory rats paragraph, you ask, "What will they do next? How will they respond?" Both questions cover the same ground, so you only need one of them.
The next paragraph, "Conjecture abounds about them. Papers are written. Discussions ensue. Hypotheses are offered. Conclusions are drawn," sounds much too overblown when you're simply talking about uninhibited people. Perhaps there have been papers written and discussions held about them, but I don't think the story you're telling, in this instance, supports that. Why not leave it as, "Conjecture abounds about them. Hypotheses are offered. Conclusions are drawn," which still leads into your final paragraph about your own conclusion.
I know this isn't the kind of review you're used to getting from me, but there were times, in reading the story, that I was actually getting bored, and that's never happened to me with anything else you've written. I finally realized that it was the overabundance of description that was bothering me, and I truly think that cutting it down as I suggested can help. Obviously it's your story to do with as you see fit. All I ask is that you try one version edited as I suggest and determine if you see the difference.
I hope this review doesn't bother you, but I'd have to resign my post as your FSBFF and as a reviewer if I didn't give you an honest and, I hope, helpful review.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2019
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Hi FSBFF. As promised, here, finally, is my review, and I think it might surprise you a bit. While I enjoy the story of the uninhibited crossing guard, I actually think you're using too much detail in certain areas.
This is a "small" story in that it doesn't have a lot of action. It simply describes a crossing guard who does isometric exercises without inhibition, and the effect seeing that has on you. There isn't an in-depth plot line with which to capture the reader's attention, so I think your narrative needs to be compact as well to keep the reader's focus. I'm not talking about major changes, just a few minor ones that will make a difference.
For instance, in your first paragraph, you have a very long sentence: "While crossing guards stand out anyway, by virtue of their brimmed hats and neon green overcoats or vests, depending on the weather, this particular guard grabs my attention for an additional reason: She actually does sets of isometric exercises while manning her post." Look at the distance between "anyway" and the follow-up to that thought, "this particular guard grabs my attention ..." You don't need "depending on the weather," as the reader can figure that out and, if you choose, you don't even need to specify "overcoats or vests." You can simply say "neon green outerwear" or "safety-wear." Thus, your sentence would become the much tighter, "While crossing guards stand out anyway, by virtue of their brimmed hats and neon green safety-wear, this particular guard grabs my attention for an additional reason: She actually does sets of isometric exercises while manning her post."
Also, where you say, "Next, she ambles, toes out, twenty steps forward, twenty steps back (I've counted these, myself, since her back is turned at this point, so I cannot lip-read)," you could simply stop the parenthetical comment after "I've counted these myself," and get back to your story. You follow that up with, "then does a like number forward and backward toeing in," where you could simply say, "then does a like number, toes in."
Where you say, "I know plenty of retirees who would no more exercise on an assigned street corner while in a crossing guard uniform than they would throw one of those little kindergartners into oncoming traffic," it dawned on me that you hadn't mentioned kindergartners before in the story, so they can't be "those little kindergartners," nor have you even mentioned that the woman is a retiree, only that she's old. Why not simplify and clarify the sentence to, "I know plenty of older people who would no more exercise on a street corner while in a crossing guard uniform than they would throw a child into oncoming traffic," (or choose a less upsetting comparison).
In your paragraph about children being uninhibited, you say, "Others rebel awhile but relent eventually-possibly begrudgingly-to What's Expected." If they're already rebelling, we can assume that they will only relent begrudgingly, so you can drop "possibly begrudgingly" from your sentence.
In the laboratory rats paragraph, you ask, "What will they do next? How will they respond?" Both questions cover the same ground, so you only need one of them.
The next paragraph, "Conjecture abounds about them. Papers are written. Discussions ensue. Hypotheses are offered. Conclusions are drawn," sounds much too overblown when you're simply talking about uninhibited people. Perhaps there have been papers written and discussions held about them, but I don't think the story you're telling, in this instance, supports that. Why not leave it as, "Conjecture abounds about them. Hypotheses are offered. Conclusions are drawn," which still leads into your final paragraph about your own conclusion.
I know this isn't the kind of review you're used to getting from me, but there were times, in reading the story, that I was actually getting bored, and that's never happened to me with anything else you've written. I finally realized that it was the overabundance of description that was bothering me, and I truly think that cutting it down as I suggested can help. Obviously it's your story to do with as you see fit. All I ask is that you try one version edited as I suggest and determine if you see the difference.
I hope this review doesn't bother you, but I'd have to resign my post as your FSBFF and as a reviewer if I didn't give you an honest and, I hope, helpful review.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2019
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Why would it bother me when you've invested so much time and consideration and your expertise to HELP me?! That would make me a world-class ingrate, and that I am not.
I feel as if I should PAY you for all the work you did here! Thank you, and I see that you are right on every single count and will get to work right now paring down and tightening.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and your editing prowess. And please don't ever apologize for offering up corrections. I just feel guilty that you had SO MANY to make this time. Oy!
xo
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You must be the most gracious person I've ever met. There are two reasons I feel uncomfortable making extensive suggestions as I did. The first is that, as writers, our works are our babies and, to any parent, when your baby comes out, he's perfect. He could have three ears on one side of his head but, to his mother, he's perfect, and no mother wants to hear her child criticized. I know that you would never post a piece until you considered it the best that it could be so, yes, it bothered me to say that your perfect baby wasn't perfect.
The other issue is that I've had two people on the site disown me because they misinterpreted things that I said. One I actually did consider a friend, and her thinking I could mean the things she thought I was saying bothered me very much.
The second was someone I was simply trying to help. She had posted a poem suggesting that she was planning to kill herself because no one would listen to her. The subject matter and the fact that she made no attempt whatsoever to promote the poem, suggested that this wasn't so much a FanStory posting as a cry for help, so I responded by letting her know that I was listening, in case what she were saying were true and she needed someone to talk to. That, in fact, turned out to be the case. There were apparently some health issues and some family issues, so I let her talk herself out, supported her as I could, and suggested she try to get local help, as it turned out she lived in South Korea. We exchanged notes for a while, and I'd check back with her periodically to be sure she was okay but, at one point, she got mad at me for misunderstanding what she was saying and for siding with her family against her. I had no idea what she was talking about, and perhaps it was a language barrier, but I explained that I wasn't trying to take sides, and she grudgingly forgave me. However, I never did fully know what I said that she took incorrectly in the first place. Once things got somewhat settled at her end, she simply stopped contacting me.
What I took, from both these experiences, is that what I say doesn't always come across as I mean it to, so I guess I try to walk on eggshells sometimes and mitigate any misinterpretation before it can happen. Obviously I trusted you enough to give you the honest review and expect that you'd take it as it was meant but, since that other person I'd considered a friend (although she never came close to BFF standard) didn't live up to my trust, I didn't want to take a chance with you. Believe me, based on your reaction to this review, I'll never have that worry again. FYI, if it were anyone else's work, I'd simply have skipped over it without a review. I only did that in depth review because it was you, and you deserved the honesty, and I expected you'd take it well - but I had to satisfy that small part of me that still worried.
I am glad that you respected and appreciated the review, and that you agreed with my suggestions. This type of editing truly is my specialty, and what I was known for on my job, and I'm only too happy to be able to share it with you.
By the way, it's not that I had a lot of "corrections" on this. You didn't have typos or make grammatical errors. These were merely suggestions, based on personal opinion and experience, that I thought could make this better, so you had nothing to feel guilty about either.
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For me, the whole point of joining this site was to improve as a writer. And reviews like that help me reach that goal. You're not a mean person, and your goal wasn't to insult me. Your goal was to help me achieve MY goal. So please don't ever stop doing that. (Plus your suggestions are SO extremely good.) xo
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Thanks, Rachelle. You have a level of maturity that several of even the older people on the site have yet to achieve. (Besides, you're so darn fun!)
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I received a scathing "Troll Review" last week by someone who's not a writer, just a "Standard Member" - i.e. only writes reviews [and, oddly, that sector is allowed rating rights. Makes NO sense to me...But I digress] Her words were NOT meant to help, but rather to denigrate and insult. When I called her out on what she'd written, she told me I'm just like everyone else who doesn't want to hear the truth about their writing. I knew it wasn't true, but nonetheless, it's annoying to read those words! Have you had any run-ins with her? Joy Page...but she's also Deborah Wennerbaum, I'm pretty sure because the two syntaxes are very similar.
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You'd mentioned her/them/it to me once before and, at your suggestion, I checked out "their" reviews. They definitely sound like the same person. You said she had it in for you because you called her out on writing under different names and, also, reported her. We said then that you could indicate that you didn't want to be reviewed by Standard Members. Why go through this? I would suggest you report her again, though. You pretty much win any contest you enter, and you regularly get six-star ratings. If someone is consistently giving you low ratings, your history suggests that's not deserved, and so your complaint isn't going to sound like sour grapes. If there are enough complaints against her, she could be blocked from the site. If she came on under another alias and continued giving you low ratings, I think FanStory would get suspicious.
I'm not sure if I've been reviewed by her. I did try checking back the last time, but I'd gone back a while and not found anything, so I gave up. If you'd like me to do a more thorough search, I will.
Comment from light
Very well written. As I age I am becoming more uninhabited. I won't be rude, but I am more apt to tell you how the cow ate the cabbage. Hats off to this crossing guard.
Elaine
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2019
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Very well written. As I age I am becoming more uninhabited. I won't be rude, but I am more apt to tell you how the cow ate the cabbage. Hats off to this crossing guard.
Elaine
Comment Written 23-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2019
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I agree! It is a wonderful learning experience every time I see her.
Thanks for your fun review, Elaine.
Comment from Louise Michelle
Haha - a gal after my own heart. When behind the wheel, I'll sometimes do neck stretches. If there's a good song on the radio, I've been known to do a little dance with my upper body. Once, a guy looked at me funny and I just waved.
LOL - . . . like laboratory rats Good analogy!
What an enjoyable read, Rachelle, and I like your conclusion. There are way too many conformists in life which can lead to dangerous situations in our country and world wide. Hugs, Lou
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2019
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Haha - a gal after my own heart. When behind the wheel, I'll sometimes do neck stretches. If there's a good song on the radio, I've been known to do a little dance with my upper body. Once, a guy looked at me funny and I just waved.
LOL - . . . like laboratory rats Good analogy!
What an enjoyable read, Rachelle, and I like your conclusion. There are way too many conformists in life which can lead to dangerous situations in our country and world wide. Hugs, Lou
Comment Written 23-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2019
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I can just see you waving to that gawker! Hahaha. He earned it - and I'm sure he'll remember it forever with a smile.
Thanks for all the positive feedback here, Lou. I always love hearing from you. xo
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Oh, yeah! :) And I love the adjectives that have been used JUST FOR US: eccentric and comfortable-in-our-own-skin [ha! I didn't smoosh it! :) ;)] and unique and, my all time favorite, "only you, Yvette".... I could come up more I'm sure! :) ;) A wonderful write, ma'am -- thoroughly enjoyed! :) Thanx for sharing! ;) Yvette
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2019
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Oh, yeah! :) And I love the adjectives that have been used JUST FOR US: eccentric and comfortable-in-our-own-skin [ha! I didn't smoosh it! :) ;)] and unique and, my all time favorite, "only you, Yvette".... I could come up more I'm sure! :) ;) A wonderful write, ma'am -- thoroughly enjoyed! :) Thanx for sharing! ;) Yvette
Comment Written 23-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2019
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Hahaha. It's like the Seinfeld episode when the doctor Elaine was dating referred to both Elaine and the "ugly baby" they were visiting that weekend as 'breaktaking.' It makes one pause and say, "Um, thank you?"
Great review, Yvette. It gave me a good laugh this afternoon. xo
Comment from judiverse
More power to the crossing guard, as long a her exercises don't cause too much distraction for the drivers. I like your wording: choosing actual play over play-by-play. Excellent attention to details about her movements, etc. Many retirees don't exercise anywhere. Maybe old age makes people feel they can be less inhibited. Great presentation. judi
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2019
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More power to the crossing guard, as long a her exercises don't cause too much distraction for the drivers. I like your wording: choosing actual play over play-by-play. Excellent attention to details about her movements, etc. Many retirees don't exercise anywhere. Maybe old age makes people feel they can be less inhibited. Great presentation. judi
Comment Written 22-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2019
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From what my reviewers have said, it does - but just to a degree.
Thanks for this very nice review, Judi. xo
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You're welcome. Interesting observations. judi
Comment from WalkerMan
This is an interesting post. The uninhibited crossing guard was putting her slack time on the job to good use to both maintain her health and avert boredom while standing there with no school children in sight.
Where I once lived, there was a traffic cop who stood all day in the middle of a busy intersection doing a continuous elaborate "dance" to direct the endless flow of cars around him. Everyone loved him.
My wise parents recognized my creativity in early childhood, and did all they could to foster it, including supporting my elaborate electro-mechanical tinkering, which began when I was five. When I had the chicken pox for two weeks in second grade, they bought me a profusely illustrated encyclopedia to take my mind off its discomforts (very effectively). That became the basis of my lifelong self-teaching in any activity that interested me. I'd learn the basics from someone who knew them, then go on alone.
For instance, I needed to learn Microsoft Excel for a full-time consulting job I took about twenty years ago. The one there who knew it showed me the basics. Then I bought a book by an Excel expert and self-taught until the guy that showed me the basics was coming to me with his questions....
My wife's father was a self-employed ceramic artist with dealers from all over the East Coast coming to him to buy pottery and mosaics to sell to their customers. He built his own gas kiln in his garage, then ran experiments for years to learn how it would behave, depending upon what he was firing in each batch. He always listened to classical music and operas while he worked, and also taught himself to play classic acoustic guitar. My wife became so adept at hand quilting (often combined with elaborate embroidery) that, when I took her to quilt shows, I saw nothing there anywhere near what she could do.
Needless to say, we raised our daughters to be self-reliant. I gave them tool boxes, and, for years, added quality tools as birthday gifts. Thus, to this day, they are not at the mercy of any man for simple tasks requiring hand tools. My grandchildren are all uniquely brilliant in their areas of interest too.
So, you are absolutely correct that being able to explore one's interests can lead to a joyful life. Undoubtedly, your best music students are the ones who feel free in their learning process.
Superb.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2019
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This is an interesting post. The uninhibited crossing guard was putting her slack time on the job to good use to both maintain her health and avert boredom while standing there with no school children in sight.
Where I once lived, there was a traffic cop who stood all day in the middle of a busy intersection doing a continuous elaborate "dance" to direct the endless flow of cars around him. Everyone loved him.
My wise parents recognized my creativity in early childhood, and did all they could to foster it, including supporting my elaborate electro-mechanical tinkering, which began when I was five. When I had the chicken pox for two weeks in second grade, they bought me a profusely illustrated encyclopedia to take my mind off its discomforts (very effectively). That became the basis of my lifelong self-teaching in any activity that interested me. I'd learn the basics from someone who knew them, then go on alone.
For instance, I needed to learn Microsoft Excel for a full-time consulting job I took about twenty years ago. The one there who knew it showed me the basics. Then I bought a book by an Excel expert and self-taught until the guy that showed me the basics was coming to me with his questions....
My wife's father was a self-employed ceramic artist with dealers from all over the East Coast coming to him to buy pottery and mosaics to sell to their customers. He built his own gas kiln in his garage, then ran experiments for years to learn how it would behave, depending upon what he was firing in each batch. He always listened to classical music and operas while he worked, and also taught himself to play classic acoustic guitar. My wife became so adept at hand quilting (often combined with elaborate embroidery) that, when I took her to quilt shows, I saw nothing there anywhere near what she could do.
Needless to say, we raised our daughters to be self-reliant. I gave them tool boxes, and, for years, added quality tools as birthday gifts. Thus, to this day, they are not at the mercy of any man for simple tasks requiring hand tools. My grandchildren are all uniquely brilliant in their areas of interest too.
So, you are absolutely correct that being able to explore one's interests can lead to a joyful life. Undoubtedly, your best music students are the ones who feel free in their learning process.
Superb.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2019
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Thank you, WalkerMan, for this great glimpse into how you became the man you are. I just love stories like yours because they're so unique and inspiring. Thank you very much for taking the time to share all this. And thanks, too, for the encouraging review. xo
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You are most welcome, Rachelle. Thank you for the compliment.
This world would be better for all if we respected and celebrated each other's unique qualities rather than lump people into categories and find excuses to envy and/or hate everyone in all categories other than our own.
The truth is that no one can know or do everything; so we NEED the diversity of individual interests, knowledge, skills, and drive in order to accomplish all that must be done for humanity survive and thrive. -- Mike
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So very true, Mike!
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
I have always admired the inhibited. I am very hibited. =} I think some over come it with age, you do get to a point where you don't care so much what people think. I don't worry as much about being 'liked' but still I don't like to look weird. This is so well written and very interesting. I wish I had a fun crossing guard to watch on the way to work. I just have to watch out for dear, turtles and sand hill cranes. Rex
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2019
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I have always admired the inhibited. I am very hibited. =} I think some over come it with age, you do get to a point where you don't care so much what people think. I don't worry as much about being 'liked' but still I don't like to look weird. This is so well written and very interesting. I wish I had a fun crossing guard to watch on the way to work. I just have to watch out for dear, turtles and sand hill cranes. Rex
Comment Written 22-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2019
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Well, but Roxanna, you have a way more beautiful view of nature. And surely there's many interesting creatures in THAT!!
Thank you for this very nice review. I appreciate it. xo
Comment from LisaMay
You have portrayed this situation so well Rachelle. I am in a car watching her right now. Isn't "insouciance" a delicious word. Being in touch with our 'inner child' is the best way to keep some degree of spontaneous behaviour in our lives, but personally I think the woman is both a) and b).
I felt a frisson of discomfort when I saw "tuille" when i thought it should have been "tulle" so I checked the dictionary. That dress-up box sounds full of surprises!
tuille: A steel plate used in medieval armor for protecting the thigh.
tulle: Tulle is a lightweight, very fine, stiff netting. It can be made of various fibres, including silk, nylon, polyester and rayon.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2019
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You have portrayed this situation so well Rachelle. I am in a car watching her right now. Isn't "insouciance" a delicious word. Being in touch with our 'inner child' is the best way to keep some degree of spontaneous behaviour in our lives, but personally I think the woman is both a) and b).
I felt a frisson of discomfort when I saw "tuille" when i thought it should have been "tulle" so I checked the dictionary. That dress-up box sounds full of surprises!
tuille: A steel plate used in medieval armor for protecting the thigh.
tulle: Tulle is a lightweight, very fine, stiff netting. It can be made of various fibres, including silk, nylon, polyester and rayon.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2019
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Oh my!! I better get right on that edit!! Thanks, LisaMay!!
And thanks for the review, as well. xo
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I quite like the image of littlies clanking around in armor!!
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Hahaha. They'd like it, too!!
