Christmas and Daisies
Using the old to herald the new...8 total reviews
Comment from shaffer40
This is such a delightful, funny, and well written romance -- could be one of those light romance movies. I especially liked your references to the twit, the newly-hired pixie, and your distortion of her name -- Felicitwit -- made me laugh out loud, as well as this line: "Did her voice just get more annoying? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it did." The daisy wrap-up at the end was smart. You should do well in the contest.
I had some editing suggestions:
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Mr. Donald Francis Everett, Jr.
Comma after Jr.,
over-whelming weight
"overwhelming" one word
"What could we do for you, Mr. Everett?
Quote marks missing at end.
she motioned between myself and Alex
Suggest: me and Alex [I think "myself" is incorrect used this way]
tissue box on my desk,
Omit comma after "desk"
He held the paper up as if to examine the paltry numbers again and then
drew the paper to his chest with a sensational air.
Suggest: then drew it to his chest -- [no need to repeat "the paper"]
"Oh, I am sure a number of these
Suggest contraction: "Oh, I'm sure..."
But I hand to hand it to my Alex, he was good.
I think it should be "had to hand it to my Alex"
Then, Skipper made to speak,
Not sure if that's correct. Maybe "made an effort to speak" ?
this shoe-string budget.
"shoestring" one word
off-handed Alex sort of way.
Comma after "way" prior to the quote
a very soft-volume
Omit dash
(in the Halloween/Fall areas on both sides with phantoms and candy and)
Omit last "and"
I hummed and nodded, but, as we found a comfortable spot amidst the
elf statuettes and Christmas locomotives amidst the grove of lighted
and decorated trees, I looked at him, knowing the mischief was
written all over my face.
You might have meant to repeat "amidst" to show layers of decorations,
but I'm pointing it out in case you didn't notice it's there twice.
I winked at him and unwrapped my burger,
Suggest calling "burger" something else here -- maybe "opened my bag
of food" or something. The repeat detracts from the clever use of
"gourmet burgers" in last line.
quite the nonchalant air considering he'd just
Suggest comma after "air"
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2019
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This is such a delightful, funny, and well written romance -- could be one of those light romance movies. I especially liked your references to the twit, the newly-hired pixie, and your distortion of her name -- Felicitwit -- made me laugh out loud, as well as this line: "Did her voice just get more annoying? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it did." The daisy wrap-up at the end was smart. You should do well in the contest.
I had some editing suggestions:
*******************
Mr. Donald Francis Everett, Jr.
Comma after Jr.,
over-whelming weight
"overwhelming" one word
"What could we do for you, Mr. Everett?
Quote marks missing at end.
she motioned between myself and Alex
Suggest: me and Alex [I think "myself" is incorrect used this way]
tissue box on my desk,
Omit comma after "desk"
He held the paper up as if to examine the paltry numbers again and then
drew the paper to his chest with a sensational air.
Suggest: then drew it to his chest -- [no need to repeat "the paper"]
"Oh, I am sure a number of these
Suggest contraction: "Oh, I'm sure..."
But I hand to hand it to my Alex, he was good.
I think it should be "had to hand it to my Alex"
Then, Skipper made to speak,
Not sure if that's correct. Maybe "made an effort to speak" ?
this shoe-string budget.
"shoestring" one word
off-handed Alex sort of way.
Comma after "way" prior to the quote
a very soft-volume
Omit dash
(in the Halloween/Fall areas on both sides with phantoms and candy and)
Omit last "and"
I hummed and nodded, but, as we found a comfortable spot amidst the
elf statuettes and Christmas locomotives amidst the grove of lighted
and decorated trees, I looked at him, knowing the mischief was
written all over my face.
You might have meant to repeat "amidst" to show layers of decorations,
but I'm pointing it out in case you didn't notice it's there twice.
I winked at him and unwrapped my burger,
Suggest calling "burger" something else here -- maybe "opened my bag
of food" or something. The repeat detracts from the clever use of
"gourmet burgers" in last line.
quite the nonchalant air considering he'd just
Suggest comma after "air"
Comment Written 14-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2019
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Thank you so very much for your review -- you know, I started this one the day before one of my stupid ^&%$#$% migraines hit and had to finish it with the headache to get it posted in time... that's only happened one other time, but it really messes with everything... especially when you're reading it back to yourself.... kindof like the brain fills in stuff that should be there and doesn't even register that the wrong thing is there or is missing completely!! :/ :/ I do so appreciate your taking the time to read through and help with the corrections.... I had actually just 'chalked this one up' as a loss, but I had already paid the entry fee - Couldn't let that go to waste, yeah?!! LOL!! Thank you again, and may you have a wonderful week ahead! :) ;)
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You're welcome. I'm glad you decided to reconsider this story. I'm still laughing at "Felicitwit."
Comment from Bill Schott
No sixes in my quiver, but this one needs and deserves one. I thoroughly enjoyed the story, even knowing it was a girly love story.The humor, voice, descriptions, and resolution are crisp, believable, and totally cool.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2019
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No sixes in my quiver, but this one needs and deserves one. I thoroughly enjoyed the story, even knowing it was a girly love story.The humor, voice, descriptions, and resolution are crisp, believable, and totally cool.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2019
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Well, Bill, you just made my entire weekend!! :) ;) Thank you so very much for your wonderful comments -- they really mean a lot! :) :)
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Very romantic under those daisies. Funny you should include the bit about the suit. It was a duplicate happening I once had sixty years ago with my boss. I know the feeling. The story was very appropriate and seemed so realistic I would venture to say most of it was a portrayal of a past event. Great topic.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2019
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Very romantic under those daisies. Funny you should include the bit about the suit. It was a duplicate happening I once had sixty years ago with my boss. I know the feeling. The story was very appropriate and seemed so realistic I would venture to say most of it was a portrayal of a past event. Great topic.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2019
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Thanks so much for your time and your review Raffaelina, and, no, definitely no past event portrayal here, but I'm glad it sounded like the author knew the feelings... I'll take it as a compliment! ;) ;)
Comment from Helena Frances
This is a fun story --had me anticipating correctly that there would be a happy beginning at the end:)
Good flow and dialogue with lots of good descriptions.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2019
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This is a fun story --had me anticipating correctly that there would be a happy beginning at the end:)
Good flow and dialogue with lots of good descriptions.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2019
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Thank you, Helena, for your time and you review -- much appreciated.
Comment from Gail Denham
A complicated story in some ways - but sounds as if the protagonist certainly knew her job. I kept thinking that Alex was the one she'd end up with and GQ was all show. Oh well, can't tell the ending.
Good story.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2019
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A complicated story in some ways - but sounds as if the protagonist certainly knew her job. I kept thinking that Alex was the one she'd end up with and GQ was all show. Oh well, can't tell the ending.
Good story.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2019
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from jlsavell
author,
I loved this story. you developed it quite well and kept me engaged throughout the whole. The descriptive detail was vivid. Your characters sharp and real. Perfect ending. best wishes with the contest..
jlsavell
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2019
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author,
I loved this story. you developed it quite well and kept me engaged throughout the whole. The descriptive detail was vivid. Your characters sharp and real. Perfect ending. best wishes with the contest..
jlsavell
Comment Written 11-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2019
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Janilou
I found it a little difficult to follow the story as a romance but perhaps it's just me.
Notes:
"Talk to the hand, cheri."
I think Cheri should be capitalized, because even if it's not her name, it's a name-like term of endearment.
"Make it work?!"
Use either the exclamation mark or the question mark but not both.
I didn't see any other errors or edits needed.
All the best,
Jan
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2019
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I found it a little difficult to follow the story as a romance but perhaps it's just me.
Notes:
"Talk to the hand, cheri."
I think Cheri should be capitalized, because even if it's not her name, it's a name-like term of endearment.
"Make it work?!"
Use either the exclamation mark or the question mark but not both.
I didn't see any other errors or edits needed.
All the best,
Jan
Comment Written 11-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2019
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from HealingMuse
Hi Contest Author,
Oh, I do believe I just read the winning entry. This is very well written. Your characters are believable and charming, and the story is quite unique.
One suggestion:
Alex and I were damn good at our job so, it was reassuring that folks noticed.
Li think this would read more fluidly if you move the comma to be after the word job.
Thanks and good luck. Jan :-)
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2019
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Hi Contest Author,
Oh, I do believe I just read the winning entry. This is very well written. Your characters are believable and charming, and the story is quite unique.
One suggestion:
Alex and I were damn good at our job so, it was reassuring that folks noticed.
Li think this would read more fluidly if you move the comma to be after the word job.
Thanks and good luck. Jan :-)
Comment Written 11-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2019
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All fixed! :) Thank you for the 'heads up' and the wonderful comments, Jan! I appreciate your taking the time to read! :)
