Getting To Know the Team
A 'Someone Else' Contest Entry13 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
The length thing doesn't bother me but I think you may struggle to get decent reviews on such a long piece, especially as there is not much reward offered. The average post these days is less than 1000 words. It's a sad state of affairs but something to bear in mind.
It's a nice piece which fits the brief for the story well enough. Good tone to it and strong characters.
however, there a few technical bits & pieces which could do with some adjustment. I made some notes as I read through-
I had landed the biggest two day demo/interview- best to hyphenate two-day.
the red and the fuscia ones - I think it's fuchsia.
I realized it was quite dark....aaaaand that I wasn't wearing a shirt! - spacing here. Also the exaggerated 'a' at the beginning is a bit unnecessary.
"Hey are you feeling okay, G? You don't have one of those awful migraines do you?" - should ideally be a comma after hey. Also after migraines.
But, just as I made myself smile and was about to step back - no need for the comma after But.
I know it's been almost three months and I know I need to go to counselling - I thin counselling has two 'l's'.
homemade pasta in the morning with her big lasagna for lunch." - lasagne.
"Your supposed to drink it not snort it, G." She giggled - You're (you are).
, there wasn't a discernable word on the page! - discernible.
. And, as the hours wore on, I marveled at the increasing - marvelled.
." I started to turn back to leave, but halted myself and hollered happily - no need for the comma here.
All the best
GMG
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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Hi there,
The length thing doesn't bother me but I think you may struggle to get decent reviews on such a long piece, especially as there is not much reward offered. The average post these days is less than 1000 words. It's a sad state of affairs but something to bear in mind.
It's a nice piece which fits the brief for the story well enough. Good tone to it and strong characters.
however, there a few technical bits & pieces which could do with some adjustment. I made some notes as I read through-
I had landed the biggest two day demo/interview- best to hyphenate two-day.
the red and the fuscia ones - I think it's fuchsia.
I realized it was quite dark....aaaaand that I wasn't wearing a shirt! - spacing here. Also the exaggerated 'a' at the beginning is a bit unnecessary.
"Hey are you feeling okay, G? You don't have one of those awful migraines do you?" - should ideally be a comma after hey. Also after migraines.
But, just as I made myself smile and was about to step back - no need for the comma after But.
I know it's been almost three months and I know I need to go to counselling - I thin counselling has two 'l's'.
homemade pasta in the morning with her big lasagna for lunch." - lasagne.
"Your supposed to drink it not snort it, G." She giggled - You're (you are).
, there wasn't a discernable word on the page! - discernible.
. And, as the hours wore on, I marveled at the increasing - marvelled.
." I started to turn back to leave, but halted myself and hollered happily - no need for the comma here.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Thank you for the review. :) For the record, counseling, lasagna, and marveled are all spelled correctly. I appreciate your taking the time. ;)
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lol, yep lasagne is a subjective one as it depends where in the world you are. the other two, whilst correct are only so in a titchy percentage of the English speaking world... :P
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LOL! But Microsoft Word (plus a couple of the online dictionaries I use for reference) are happily titchy it seems! ;) You take care over there! :) ;)
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Only if word is set up for that level of titchiness. Over here it uses the real ones...lol
Comment from HealingMuse
Hi Contest Author,
I absolutely love this story. Have you considered expanding it into a novel? Your characrers and their development are exceptional. Thanks for sharing your entry. Best of luck. Jan
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Hi Contest Author,
I absolutely love this story. Have you considered expanding it into a novel? Your characrers and their development are exceptional. Thanks for sharing your entry. Best of luck. Jan
Comment Written 23-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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I try to leave room in most of my short stories to re-visit them if I ever have the time - LOL! :) ;) Thanx so much for your review for 'The Team', Jan -- much appreciated! ;) ;)
Comment from Randa Dayle
Ha! Ha! Ha! What a sense of humor you have!! Great story for the contest..waking up and finding out you are someone else!! Good luck and keep on writing well!!
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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Ha! Ha! Ha! What a sense of humor you have!! Great story for the contest..waking up and finding out you are someone else!! Good luck and keep on writing well!!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2019
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Thanx so much for your review for 'The Team', Randa -- much appreciated! ;) ;)
