Not A Place To Be Found In
A drink can cross borders4 total reviews
Comment from Rachelle Allen
I had such hopes for this piece, being that the protagonist and I have the same unusual first name and all. But despite all the dialogue, there's so little going on here. There's also commas in odd places, and I think you should do spellcheck on the word "sombre."
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
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I had such hopes for this piece, being that the protagonist and I have the same unusual first name and all. But despite all the dialogue, there's so little going on here. There's also commas in odd places, and I think you should do spellcheck on the word "sombre."
Comment Written 21-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
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Thanks for the review. I'll look into the advice given. I usually write poetry so the story is what what it is. Punctuation id definitly not one of my strong suits. Sombre, on windows microsoft 10 shows this to be the correct spelling. I believe it is UK English and not American.
Comment from JudyE
This reads very realistically especially Rachelle's character. And it keeps the reader's interest throughout. Excessive drinking leads to all sorts of problems.
I would like to suggest a few things if that's okay.
'Rachelle a regular was the only other patron in the place.' I would put a comma either side of 'a regular'.
'Rachelle being a fixture in the joint; was leaning on elbows, perched upon the stool that, she just assumed belonged to her.' Comma after 'Rachelle' and after 'joint', delete semi-colon, delete comma after 'that'. Did you mean to write 'leaning on HER elbows'?
there Rachelle was - I think this reads better as 'there was Rachelle'.
The Sneer disappeared - is the capital letter deliberate?
I would have run the two following sentences on the same line as Rachelle is saying both.
As it is, it reads as though Samantha is saying the second line.
"Not really," came the reply.
"But, you're buying, so I'll lend an ear."
Best of luck in the competition.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
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This reads very realistically especially Rachelle's character. And it keeps the reader's interest throughout. Excessive drinking leads to all sorts of problems.
I would like to suggest a few things if that's okay.
'Rachelle a regular was the only other patron in the place.' I would put a comma either side of 'a regular'.
'Rachelle being a fixture in the joint; was leaning on elbows, perched upon the stool that, she just assumed belonged to her.' Comma after 'Rachelle' and after 'joint', delete semi-colon, delete comma after 'that'. Did you mean to write 'leaning on HER elbows'?
there Rachelle was - I think this reads better as 'there was Rachelle'.
The Sneer disappeared - is the capital letter deliberate?
I would have run the two following sentences on the same line as Rachelle is saying both.
As it is, it reads as though Samantha is saying the second line.
"Not really," came the reply.
"But, you're buying, so I'll lend an ear."
Best of luck in the competition.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2019
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Thanks for your review. I understand you wish to help but I generally write for effect not technicalities. I will look my work over again and see what needs the commas, dashes and whatnot. Thanks again.
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Please feel free to ignore any or all of my suggestions. I guess I thought that was what reviewers were expected to do. Have a great day.
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I generally write poetry so stories are not my usual area. I do my best with what I know. I do appreciate the effort you put in and nominated you as a reviewer. You did what a reviewers should do. Take care.
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Thanks very much for the nomination. I couldn't work out what I'd reviewed for you but now I know. :) I'm afraid I don't see much point in not mentioning small points that I pick up in the pieces that I read. I hope others would do the same for me. I agree with you that that is what reviewers should do. Have a great day. :)
Comment from giraffmang
hi there,
it may be an idea to incorporate some line breaks into your work. Leaving a clear line between paragraphs and for dialogue can make for a cleaner write which is more easily followed on screen. Also, many folk just skip over blocks of unbroken text.
Fits the bill as far as the competition requirements are concerned. Whole other story coming up next though, one might imagine....
Bart, tending bar at Shanty's Tavern served up the second wine spritzer to the fine looking woman sitting on the far right side of the bar- insert a comma after Tavern.
Rachelle a regular was the only other patron - insert comma either side of 'a regular'.
Rachelle being a fixture in the joint; was leaning on - no need for the semi-colon here as it's just a continuation of the sentence. I'd insert commas after Rachelle and joint.
perched upon the stool that, she just assumed belonged to her.- again no need for the comma.
"Only if you buy me a beer." Rachelle said with a sneer- when using following speech tags, it's usually better to use a comma rather than a full stop before the closing speech marks.
The Sneer disappeared as Rachelle had now found her best friend.- no need for the capitalisation of sneer here.
"Not really, came the reply. - missing closing speech marks here.
"So give it up Sam. - same thing here.
Sam's problems disappeared as the lady's joked - in this instance it should be plural - ladies.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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hi there,
it may be an idea to incorporate some line breaks into your work. Leaving a clear line between paragraphs and for dialogue can make for a cleaner write which is more easily followed on screen. Also, many folk just skip over blocks of unbroken text.
Fits the bill as far as the competition requirements are concerned. Whole other story coming up next though, one might imagine....
Bart, tending bar at Shanty's Tavern served up the second wine spritzer to the fine looking woman sitting on the far right side of the bar- insert a comma after Tavern.
Rachelle a regular was the only other patron - insert comma either side of 'a regular'.
Rachelle being a fixture in the joint; was leaning on - no need for the semi-colon here as it's just a continuation of the sentence. I'd insert commas after Rachelle and joint.
perched upon the stool that, she just assumed belonged to her.- again no need for the comma.
"Only if you buy me a beer." Rachelle said with a sneer- when using following speech tags, it's usually better to use a comma rather than a full stop before the closing speech marks.
The Sneer disappeared as Rachelle had now found her best friend.- no need for the capitalisation of sneer here.
"Not really, came the reply. - missing closing speech marks here.
"So give it up Sam. - same thing here.
Sam's problems disappeared as the lady's joked - in this instance it should be plural - ladies.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 15-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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Thanks for the review. I'll look into your suggestions.
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Makes a big difference thanks. You must be an editor.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
You set the scene here in a bar and left us wanting to know more about the story. Bars are my their nature places that serve alcohol but not necessarily full of alcoholics, a fascinating read, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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You set the scene here in a bar and left us wanting to know more about the story. Bars are my their nature places that serve alcohol but not necessarily full of alcoholics, a fascinating read, love Dolly x
Comment Written 15-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
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This was the story about one alcoholic who hid her addiction and an other who did not. The contest rules were Two women in a bar being the only patrons. I figured they had to be there earlier than anyone else. If you're that early you probably are an alcoholic. If you understood the last line you would have seen the entire story. I did rewrite the ending to clarify what the secret was. Thanks
