Medallion of Possibilities
I made a promise...9 total reviews
Comment from damommy
Dear Author, this is outstandingly good! I couldn't 'put it down' from beginning to end. Excellent plot. Great imagery. Everything seemed natural. I don't know what else to say except this is a wonderful story.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
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Dear Author, this is outstandingly good! I couldn't 'put it down' from beginning to end. Excellent plot. Great imagery. Everything seemed natural. I don't know what else to say except this is a wonderful story.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
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Oh, Yvonne, you just made my entire week with these lovely stars!! :) :) Sound like you had just about as much fun reading as I did writing and that is SO VERY HEARTWARMING for me!! :) ;) Thank you, thank you and may you have a wonderful remainder of the week! ;) :)
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer, (3)
My! This was quite the story!! Isn't it fun when a tiny little prompt can send you off on a grand adventure? hahaha! It's evident that you had a lot of fun writing this and I love to see that when I read. The writing was good, the plot was fun and I enjoyed this tale a lot.
I did, however, see several places you may want to take another look at? I've made some notes for you - but remember, these are all just the opinions of another person and we all know that opinions are subjective, so you are welcome to take these ideas and use them... or toss them in the nearest garbage can. *smile* My job, as I see it, is to point out things that I see in the hopes of offering some editing help. YOUR job is to carefully consider what I have to say, use what you like (if anything) and then move on. We are here to help each other grow -- but we may not always agree, and that's okay, right?
Anyway, here goes:
1.) Of course, it wasn't the villagers' (fault) it had rained
2.) The shine there had gone from wonder to very intense.
--> I'm hoping you'll consider making a revision here. When you say the shine had gone from wonder (a noun) to intense (an adjective) you aren't making a fair comparison -- perhaps the shine had gone from wonder to dread?
3.) It makes a beauty treasure for you to have,
--> just checking -- 'beauty treasure' is rather awkward. making sure you didn't mean 'beautiful treasure'
4.) It makes a beauty treasure for you to have," she paused
--> if you'll permit me to say so, the 'to have' isn't necessary.
--> It makes a beauty treasure for you," she paused
5.) I looked at the (piece of) antique jewelry in my hand
6.) Her entire body relaxed and a full smile of crooked and missing teeth showed on her aged face. I just could not contain the smile I returned to her.
--> a couple of things about this passage:
a.) you're using the word 'smile' x2 - which isn't against the law, but is something that we usually try to avoid.
b.) 'showed' is a TELLING word and can be replaced with a 'SHOWING' word -- ironic, huh? haha
c.) The part about the 'smile you returned to her' is a bit redundant, you don't need both parts (imo)
--> suggest something like:
--> Her entire body relaxed and a wide grin, exposing crooked and missing teeth, lit up her aged face. I couldn't help but return her smile.
7.) "Thank you so much." I smiled and turned to put the locket and chain in my purse.
--> since we've already smiled quite a bit, how about either:
a.) "Thank you so much(," I said) and turned to put the locket and chain in my purse. --OR--
b.) "Thank you so much(," I told her, still smiling, as I) turned to put the locket and chain in my purse.
--> YOU HAVE NEVER SAID IT WAS A LOCKET. -- it's not fair to change the item mid-story. Careful, please
8.) I started to draw the jewelry back out of my purse, but she only shook her head in the negative.
--> this is a bit redundant - and not really 'respecting the reader'. We all know that shaking the head means no.
-->I started to draw the jewelry back out of my purse, but she shook her head.
9.) of this century, and I daresay they were (not?) from the either of the last two.
10.) And my turning on the light hadn't seemed to have affected them.
--> simplify:
--> And my turning on the light hadn't seemed to affect them.
11.) When speaking of a human, please use 'who' instead of 'that'.
-->Well, now, for someone (who) couldn't carry a tune if it had a handle...
-->I looked from one soldier to the next and finally back to the tall one (who) had spoken to me.
12.) It has been far too long since they have had a new home."
--> why wouldn't it be since 'we' had a new home?
13.) I yanked them back out of surprise and made to look for them,
--> first of all, if she didn't actually TOUCH the floor, what was the surprise? and why did she squeak out her words? (if she never touched the floor?)
--> also, do you mean:
I yanked them back out of surprise and made to look for (my slippers),
14.) I managed to squeak out before my feet hit the cold floor. I yanked them back out of surprise and made to look for them,
--> Consider:
***
I tossed the covers aside in order to stand up.
"They?' (Italics)
My voice came out in an odd squeak as I remembered the cold wooden floor and twisted my body to yank my feet back under the warm covers...
--> also please make it clear that she is looking for her SLIPPERS
***
15.) You may want to doublecheck this one, but I believe 'Mi casa es tu casa?' is used when speaking to ONE person
--> 'Mi casa es vuestra casa' should be used when speaking to multiple people
--> when you use a foreign language, consider using italics to set it apart.
I think that's it. I sure hope you find something in here that will prove helpful. So far, yours is the only one I have read that is a true STORY, and I appreciate that. I imagine other readers will, as well. I am sorry for the rating, but I will be more than happy to pop back over and change if/when you edit. Just holler at me and let me know, please. And much luck to you in the voting!
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
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Dear Mystery Writer, (3)
My! This was quite the story!! Isn't it fun when a tiny little prompt can send you off on a grand adventure? hahaha! It's evident that you had a lot of fun writing this and I love to see that when I read. The writing was good, the plot was fun and I enjoyed this tale a lot.
I did, however, see several places you may want to take another look at? I've made some notes for you - but remember, these are all just the opinions of another person and we all know that opinions are subjective, so you are welcome to take these ideas and use them... or toss them in the nearest garbage can. *smile* My job, as I see it, is to point out things that I see in the hopes of offering some editing help. YOUR job is to carefully consider what I have to say, use what you like (if anything) and then move on. We are here to help each other grow -- but we may not always agree, and that's okay, right?
Anyway, here goes:
1.) Of course, it wasn't the villagers' (fault) it had rained
2.) The shine there had gone from wonder to very intense.
--> I'm hoping you'll consider making a revision here. When you say the shine had gone from wonder (a noun) to intense (an adjective) you aren't making a fair comparison -- perhaps the shine had gone from wonder to dread?
3.) It makes a beauty treasure for you to have,
--> just checking -- 'beauty treasure' is rather awkward. making sure you didn't mean 'beautiful treasure'
4.) It makes a beauty treasure for you to have," she paused
--> if you'll permit me to say so, the 'to have' isn't necessary.
--> It makes a beauty treasure for you," she paused
5.) I looked at the (piece of) antique jewelry in my hand
6.) Her entire body relaxed and a full smile of crooked and missing teeth showed on her aged face. I just could not contain the smile I returned to her.
--> a couple of things about this passage:
a.) you're using the word 'smile' x2 - which isn't against the law, but is something that we usually try to avoid.
b.) 'showed' is a TELLING word and can be replaced with a 'SHOWING' word -- ironic, huh? haha
c.) The part about the 'smile you returned to her' is a bit redundant, you don't need both parts (imo)
--> suggest something like:
--> Her entire body relaxed and a wide grin, exposing crooked and missing teeth, lit up her aged face. I couldn't help but return her smile.
7.) "Thank you so much." I smiled and turned to put the locket and chain in my purse.
--> since we've already smiled quite a bit, how about either:
a.) "Thank you so much(," I said) and turned to put the locket and chain in my purse. --OR--
b.) "Thank you so much(," I told her, still smiling, as I) turned to put the locket and chain in my purse.
--> YOU HAVE NEVER SAID IT WAS A LOCKET. -- it's not fair to change the item mid-story. Careful, please
8.) I started to draw the jewelry back out of my purse, but she only shook her head in the negative.
--> this is a bit redundant - and not really 'respecting the reader'. We all know that shaking the head means no.
-->I started to draw the jewelry back out of my purse, but she shook her head.
9.) of this century, and I daresay they were (not?) from the either of the last two.
10.) And my turning on the light hadn't seemed to have affected them.
--> simplify:
--> And my turning on the light hadn't seemed to affect them.
11.) When speaking of a human, please use 'who' instead of 'that'.
-->Well, now, for someone (who) couldn't carry a tune if it had a handle...
-->I looked from one soldier to the next and finally back to the tall one (who) had spoken to me.
12.) It has been far too long since they have had a new home."
--> why wouldn't it be since 'we' had a new home?
13.) I yanked them back out of surprise and made to look for them,
--> first of all, if she didn't actually TOUCH the floor, what was the surprise? and why did she squeak out her words? (if she never touched the floor?)
--> also, do you mean:
I yanked them back out of surprise and made to look for (my slippers),
14.) I managed to squeak out before my feet hit the cold floor. I yanked them back out of surprise and made to look for them,
--> Consider:
***
I tossed the covers aside in order to stand up.
"They?' (Italics)
My voice came out in an odd squeak as I remembered the cold wooden floor and twisted my body to yank my feet back under the warm covers...
--> also please make it clear that she is looking for her SLIPPERS
***
15.) You may want to doublecheck this one, but I believe 'Mi casa es tu casa?' is used when speaking to ONE person
--> 'Mi casa es vuestra casa' should be used when speaking to multiple people
--> when you use a foreign language, consider using italics to set it apart.
I think that's it. I sure hope you find something in here that will prove helpful. So far, yours is the only one I have read that is a true STORY, and I appreciate that. I imagine other readers will, as well. I am sorry for the rating, but I will be more than happy to pop back over and change if/when you edit. Just holler at me and let me know, please. And much luck to you in the voting!
Comment Written 13-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
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Thank you for the review. I will fix a few things, but you and I will always widely differ on styles of writing, phrasings, etc. For a small example, a native woman of an obscure Central American village would not speak proper English in my story and an American who does not speak Spanish only knows the common phrase as used frequently in 'American Speak'. I do, as always, greatly appreciate your taking the time to read. Thank you, again, and have a wonderful day! ;)
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See, that's what I thought, too, at first, but there isn't enough of it to make one think that it's a language thing. There's only enough to make you think it's errors.
And in the last argument, the American would be a lot more likely to say, 'mi casa es su casa'
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[btw, I ended up voting for your story...] good luck!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I really hope this wins. It's one of the best pieces I've read for this competition since I've joined, and I've won this a few times myself. lol
as the rain fell in continuous streams from the sky, - from the sky is unnecessary here. It would be inferred. Where else would the rain fall from?
it wasn't the villagers' faults - just fault here.
I looked away for moment to zip my purse,- for a moment.
Be careful with your adverb usage. Use them too much and it can expose a weakness in verb choice. [3 here in quick succession - I barely had time to finish my coffee before the hotel Jeep pulled up - the hotel name obviously hand-painted on the passenger door. I lightly]
It along with the entire purse remained on my bedside table.- maybe insert comma before along and after purse.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
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Hi there,
I really hope this wins. It's one of the best pieces I've read for this competition since I've joined, and I've won this a few times myself. lol
as the rain fell in continuous streams from the sky, - from the sky is unnecessary here. It would be inferred. Where else would the rain fall from?
it wasn't the villagers' faults - just fault here.
I looked away for moment to zip my purse,- for a moment.
Be careful with your adverb usage. Use them too much and it can expose a weakness in verb choice. [3 here in quick succession - I barely had time to finish my coffee before the hotel Jeep pulled up - the hotel name obviously hand-painted on the passenger door. I lightly]
It along with the entire purse remained on my bedside table.- maybe insert comma before along and after purse.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 13-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
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Thanx, G, appreciate the second set of eyes...this one was composed quite hastily (another adverb - LOL!) so, I didn't have as much polish-time before the deadline. I appreciate your wonderful comments, though -- you made my day! ;) ;) Take care and have a great week! :)
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I really like this one.
Comment from JudyE
This is a really lovely story and deserves to do well. So nice to read about friendly ghosts rather than the other kind.
A few points:
'it was the lodging possibility within a hundred or so miles.' Did you mean 'the ONLY lodging possibility'?
'Her entire body relaxed and a full smile of crooked and missing teeth shown on her aged face.' - 'shown' should be 'showed'.
I tossed my suitcase on my bed and opened it to retrieve my toiletries kit. I dug through the dirty clothes and retrieved my assorted trinkets and statuettes, - Perhaps find a synonym for one of the 'retrieve' words.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
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This is a really lovely story and deserves to do well. So nice to read about friendly ghosts rather than the other kind.
A few points:
'it was the lodging possibility within a hundred or so miles.' Did you mean 'the ONLY lodging possibility'?
'Her entire body relaxed and a full smile of crooked and missing teeth shown on her aged face.' - 'shown' should be 'showed'.
I tossed my suitcase on my bed and opened it to retrieve my toiletries kit. I dug through the dirty clothes and retrieved my assorted trinkets and statuettes, - Perhaps find a synonym for one of the 'retrieve' words.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
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Thanx so much for the suggestions, Judy -- I am always so very thankful for the second set of eyes! :) :) And thank you for just taking the time to read my story -- I appreciate it greatly!! :) :) Take care and have a wonderful remainder of the week! ;)
Comment from coffeeandink
Two things, the line my numerous shapes and sizes of spirits, and trinkets. We all enjoy sovineers from a wonderful vacation, but what, I received, was, my sister had two necklaces, one a diamond cross, and when my parents passed away, it was replaced by a gold heart, that read, Great Aunt. We often, take home spirits, without realizing. I enjoy antiques. And I thought your story was beautiful, especially the detail in describing the old woman's hands. Wouldn't it be nice, to give a stranger a gift, and see, like my grandma said, here's five buy something, I saw an antique bracelet, I bought something on my grocery list. She laughed. I loved your story.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
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Two things, the line my numerous shapes and sizes of spirits, and trinkets. We all enjoy sovineers from a wonderful vacation, but what, I received, was, my sister had two necklaces, one a diamond cross, and when my parents passed away, it was replaced by a gold heart, that read, Great Aunt. We often, take home spirits, without realizing. I enjoy antiques. And I thought your story was beautiful, especially the detail in describing the old woman's hands. Wouldn't it be nice, to give a stranger a gift, and see, like my grandma said, here's five buy something, I saw an antique bracelet, I bought something on my grocery list. She laughed. I loved your story.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
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Oh, I am so very glad that you enjoyed, CoffeeandInk...and I so enjoyed reading your comments! You sound like someone after my own heart!! :) ;) Thanx for stopping by and have a wonderful evening! ;)
Comment from Vicki Ziemer
I adore this story. It is not scary, but it is mysterious, and ends up, fun. I do love ghost stories, and this one is great. A very unexpected ending. I have run out of six stars, or I would have given you six for this one. At least I can give you five. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2019
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I adore this story. It is not scary, but it is mysterious, and ends up, fun. I do love ghost stories, and this one is great. A very unexpected ending. I have run out of six stars, or I would have given you six for this one. At least I can give you five. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2019
Thanx so much for your review on this one, Vicki -- so this 'fantastical vacation' was entertaining and unexpected! :) ;) Be sure to have a great week ahead! :)
Comment from LisaMay
I love this story. I want some of what you're drinking!!
What a deliciously believable story... gullible's travels turns into a fantasy of past lives, pleasure and protection... I am so glad your life was enhanced by these ghostly presences, but then you welcomed them in and are worthy.
In this sentence you need to add " Not": Who could resist such a sales pitch? (Not) Me (me), of course - it was the first of many.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2019
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I love this story. I want some of what you're drinking!!
What a deliciously believable story... gullible's travels turns into a fantasy of past lives, pleasure and protection... I am so glad your life was enhanced by these ghostly presences, but then you welcomed them in and are worthy.
In this sentence you need to add " Not": Who could resist such a sales pitch? (Not) Me (me), of course - it was the first of many.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2019
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LOL! Right now it's just good ol' iced tea but I'm riding the adrenaline high of completing a big task....this was one that I put down this afternoon in celebration! :) :) So glad you enjoyed, Lisa, and I do so appreciate your looking it over for me as you read through! ;) :) I've added the 'Not' and am grateful for your catch -- have a great week! ;) :)
Comment from Henry King
I like fantasy, and this is an excellent fantastic story. But, I think you should pay close attention to what you wrote. I will comment on the paragraphs that gave me problems.
"So far I was ..." Add the word "only" as the last word of the third line. Further in the paragraph the word "it" is singular, then the word "faults" should be singular.
"For you beauty one ..." Beauty is a noun. Beautiful is an adjective that describes one.
"Vacations are always fun ..." You have a question mark at the end, but you don't answer the question.
"The single carving ..." You ask, who could resist? Your answer, Me. I don't believe you resisted. Add "not" before "me".
"I managed to squeak ..." Was the chain maille on the blue slippers? If it was, ok. If it was on the soldier, it should be chain mail. Maille is for jewellry and mail is for armor.
This is an excellent story.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2019
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I like fantasy, and this is an excellent fantastic story. But, I think you should pay close attention to what you wrote. I will comment on the paragraphs that gave me problems.
"So far I was ..." Add the word "only" as the last word of the third line. Further in the paragraph the word "it" is singular, then the word "faults" should be singular.
"For you beauty one ..." Beauty is a noun. Beautiful is an adjective that describes one.
"Vacations are always fun ..." You have a question mark at the end, but you don't answer the question.
"The single carving ..." You ask, who could resist? Your answer, Me. I don't believe you resisted. Add "not" before "me".
"I managed to squeak ..." Was the chain maille on the blue slippers? If it was, ok. If it was on the soldier, it should be chain mail. Maille is for jewellry and mail is for armor.
This is an excellent story.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2019
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Thank you so very much for stopping in for the read and review on this one, Henry -- your second set of eyes is much appreciated! ;) ;) And I am very glad that you enjoyed. Here's wishing you a great remainder of the weekend! :) ;)
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You are very welcome. Keep up your good work.
Comment from Shirley McLain
I loved this ghost story. If I had a six it would be yours. It was active and kept me reading. It was fun and adventurous. have a great evening. Shirley
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2019
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I loved this ghost story. If I had a six it would be yours. It was active and kept me reading. It was fun and adventurous. have a great evening. Shirley
Comment Written 09-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2019
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Oh, Shirley, thanx so much for your wonderful comments -- you have made my weekend! ;) :) Enjoy your Sunday! ;)
