Comment from kiwijenny

Excellent

Gross guy...Elisabeth run...run run...stomp on that flower...he's about power...run run
I was shocked at the inhuman way and with no conscience
Stolen pink flower from his brutal hand ...says it all
God bless

 Comment Written 02-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019

Ha ha Jenny. Thanks for the witty writeup.

I appreciate your comments.

Comment from susand3022

Excellent

Talk about torn from the headlines!!! There's so much brutality in the world today that it just about kills me how all the kids today are so desensitized to it. It's around us so much that we don't even notice it any more. We see this one sometimes though... I'm sure there was a famous serial killer who did that... I don't know who. Took something from the victim and gave it to his wife. A bracelett, earrings, a necklace... every time she wore them he'd get that thrill again... it was his little secret thing. Sick!

 Comment Written 02-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019

Hi Susan. This piece is not as dark as you think. Jack stole a flower and in the process he did what people do everyday without a second thought. He killed a living entity. A flower. He stole the flower because he was meeting his wife to be and wanted to give he a gift just like lovers do. This story was entered in a contest which required a surprise ending. So I wrote the story to deliberately mislead the reader from knowing that Jack's victim was a flower. At the end of the story this fact is revealed. Just a different slant highlighting the suffering that the flower was subjected to that nobody ever thinks about. There js wonderful reference book written by Maurice Maeterlinck early 20th century entitled The Intelligence of the Flowers. Very enlightening. :)
Thank you for reviewing my little story.

reply by susand3022 on 02-Mar-2019

aka: The Rape of the Lock... lol
I must have missed the change... I thought of the flower as a trophy, I guess I had the picture stuck in my head.

Comment from Loretta Martin

Average

I get it--I think: A brutal act committed in the name of love? A defenseless innocent sacrificed on love's altar?

A promising story with technical issues. The language is heavy-handed and wordy. Examples:

"Blind from birth, and incapable of speech, she tilted her face. It bloomed radiant pink under the rays of a warm Spring sun." [23 wds]

Alternative: "Born blind [delete comma] and incapable of speech, she tilted her radiant pink face toward a spring sun." [16 wds].

The verb "tilt" feels incomplete without a direction or preposition (tilt TOWARD something or tilt UP/DOWN/SIDEWAYS).

The phrase "bloomed radiant" is purple prose-ish--fussy, too ornate. Ditto for "higher astral plane" and "solar bliss."

Seasons (winter, spring, etc) are not capitalized. BTW: Spring implies "warm," therefore redundant.

Avoid unnecessary filler words, and watch punctuation: "Now [unnecessary word] Tom was a young lad [by definition a "lad" is young] whose hormones were all [unnecessary word] firing. He was overwhelmed with thoughts of l'amour. Nervously, he glanced all [unnecessary word] around to ensure that nobody was watching. He made his move. [change period to comma] venturing closer to the dazzling beauty that caught his roving eye."

The metaphor of a dying/wilting flower (the victim) represented as Tom's gift is clever. (Consider changing FLOWER to ROSE to echo victim's radiant pink-ness.)

An intriguing premise. Good luck and keep writing!


This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 01-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 01-Mar-2019

You are harsh mistress Loretta. LOL

I do appreciate you taking the time to review this work.

I take your point about tilt. However I will just the word skywards after she tilted her face. Yes it reads much better.

I am keeping the next sentence which you described as pure prose. Which increases my word count from 23 to 24. The sentence works for what I am trying to achieve. Which is to hide the fact that the subject is in fact a radiant pink flower, not a girl or a rose. Jack would have had problems breaking a thorn filled rose stem without bloodying his hand.

You accurately pointed out the use of an unneccessary word "all" in two places. Thank you, nicely spotted, I shall eliminate them.

Yes you did get the premise down quite accurately.

Thanks again for your pointers though I would ask why you were so harsh with your rating?

I checked out your page and see that you are a new reviewer. I was hoping to see some of your work but I see nothing posted.

There are some rather odd comments on your page attacking this site with a declaration that you have quit the site.

I hope that is not true. You obviously have some good editorial skills which could be put to good use in your reviews. Though I would suggest you should tone down the slash and burn approach be a little more humane. ;)

Also please do post some of your own work so we can all review it. I would expect your standard to be very high which would be great to see.

All the best.

Comment from C. Gale Burnett

Excellent

I have so many evil thoughts right now as to what I would do to 'Tom' if I ever were to have a chance encounter with him.
You have very good writing skills, and your story flowed well from beginning to end.

 Comment Written 01-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019

Hi Gale. I am not sure if noticed or not. This story was entered in a competition which required a surprise ending.

The writing deliberately misleads the reader from recognising the fact that Jack's victim, taken on the spot, was in fact a pink flower. This is revealed at the end when Jack presents the dying flower to Elisabeth which he had so brutally torn from its stem.
It was a different slant showing the suffering of the flower which humans never register.

Thanks again for your comments.

reply by C. Gale Burnett on 02-Mar-2019

Oh, my apologies. I was so exhausted last night. Now that you have explained, I can truly understand the 'flower' as the victim, and I say that with sincerity, having sensed that as I was reading last night. Please forgive me.
Thank you! Great story!

Comment from Rachelle Allen

Excellent

You have NO shame! None!! lol
This was absolutely perfection because I NEVER saw that coming...and I love trying to figure out surprise endings! You are the master; no close seconds. I'd wish you good luck in this contest, but you will not need it. I've read all the entries, and this seems like the obvious winner. xo

 Comment Written 01-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019

Ha ha ha Rachelle. Thank you so much for your kind words. I did not win this one. Maybe next time. ;)

I really appreciate yohr support.

All the best.

John

reply by Rachelle Allen on 02-Mar-2019

Too many stupid people are obviously showing up at the FS polls. That's the only logical explanation. I demand a recount.

Comment from LisaMay

Excellent

It's a well written story, but I will always be uncomfortable about rape. Even the suggestion of it. You build up the suspense very well and portray the flower in a lovely ambiguous way with a nice turn of phrase. However, I wonder if the story is unnecessarily continued beyond the 'reveal'. Perhaps it could finish with a sentence such as: Elisabeth's face lit up. "Oh Tom. This flower is absolutely beautiful." She kissed him tenderly.
I can see that you want to emphasise that humans interfere with nature, raping it, but I feel the 'motif' is carried on beyond it's main impact. Just a suggestion. Your story is definitely a good write.

 Comment Written 01-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019

Rape is not a subject I would like to write about. I brushed by jt in this piece to distract the readers attention from the fact that the subject of Jack's attention was a flower not a human being. So sorry it made you uncomfortable.

As for your thoughts that the 'motif' went past its sell by date, you are probably right. In my original version I did not include the final paragraph. However after review I realised something. I had maligned Jack for not being conscious of the flower's suffering. So I needed to recognise the flower's demise at the end of the piece. She was after all the central character in the story. I needed to inform the reader that as human beings we fail to recognise other life forms and the distress and pain we inflict on them. We are not at that level of consciousness yet. Maybe we never will be.

Maurice Maeterlinck was at a very kevel kf consciousness a d write many books about nature at the beginning of the 20th century. He was Belgian and was awarded the Nobel Prize in literature in 1906. He wrote many books and plays. His most famour work was The Bluebird. He wa also a naturalist and philosopher. One of his books is The Intelligence of the Flowers. A wonderful condensed encyclopedia of various plants composed by a master writer. I think you might enjoy reading it.

Thanks again for the review. It is greatly appreciated.

All the best

John

reply by LisaMay on 02-Mar-2019

Thank you for explaining your motivation for the story. And also thanks very much for suggesting I read Maurice Maeterlinck; his subject territory does sound very appealing. The intersection of nature and philosopher offers rich thought. I also agree with you that so very many people are insensitive to the feelings of not just their fellow man but also to the wider world of living things.

Comment from robyn corum

Excellent

Dear Mystery Writer,

Haha. I actually thought he was going to turn out to be a bee -- until he grasped her with his hand. Ha. Nice surprise.

Good luck!

 Comment Written 01-Mar-2019

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reply by the author on 04-Mar-2019

Ha ha thanks Robyn. I will keep that bee in mind for another tale. LOL

Glad you liked it.

I finally got caught up on my reviews. Its like like writing Xmas cards. LOL

Best

John

Comment from Debra White

Excellent

Hello :)
This certainly meets the criteria for the contest.
What a great twist - I really enjoy that your twist was for the better - a nice surprise ending if you will!
Great imagery, if somewhat misleading LOL
A very entertaining reading - you had my attention from start to finish.
Good Luck in the voting booth.
Best wishes, Debra :)

 Comment Written 27-Feb-2019

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reply by the author on 27-Feb-2019

Glad you liked it Debrah. I had some fun with this. Sleight of hand and all that. LOL.

Comment from 24chas

Excellent

This was a good read, unknown writer. I wasn't sure where the story was going at first, but that became apparent pretty quickly. Nice job on writing this story. Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 26-Feb-2019

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reply by the author on 27-Feb-2019

Thanks Chas. I had fun writing this one. Thank you for comments. Much appreciated.

Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear

Excellent

The story has a good beginning, nice climax and a surprise ending, not sure why Elisabeth responded Tom affectionately; well said, well done. Keep Writing Inspire Changing! -- DR ALCREATOR

 Comment Written 26-Feb-2019

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reply by the author on 26-Feb-2019

Thank you alcreator. I failed! Lol. I have reworked the ending. I am afraid it was way too subtle. Hopefully now all is revealed.