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Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Trudy and Ronald"All chapters
6 total reviews
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Marv,
Your chapter consists mostly of dialogue, which I like, but this sentence through me off and I wondered why Brennan shouted:
"Montpelier!" Brennan shouted.
Hi partner is Amanda. She was right there, so he wasn't calling out to her. Who is Montpelier? I did get the play on words of capital of Vermont.
Otherwise, good dialogue throughout.
Marilyn
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2019
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Hi Marv,
Your chapter consists mostly of dialogue, which I like, but this sentence through me off and I wondered why Brennan shouted:
"Montpelier!" Brennan shouted.
Hi partner is Amanda. She was right there, so he wasn't calling out to her. Who is Montpelier? I did get the play on words of capital of Vermont.
Otherwise, good dialogue throughout.
Marilyn
Comment Written 22-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2019
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Montpelier is the capital of Vermont. The backstory on Brennan (which has never been revealed until now) is that he's always been interested in states and their capitals. It was a pass time that he and his father played. He just blurted it out without any forethought. It was so automatic he couldn't help himself.
Thanks for the compliment and the high rating.
Marv
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I just wondered WHY he SHOUTED.
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He wanted to be heard over anyone else who might know or offer a guess.
Thanks for your interest.
Marv
Comment from JTStone
It's a good story, but not great. I say this because it reads a bit confusing.
I assume because Trudy has been shot that she's in a hospital room, but you have her sitting in a plush chair--not exactly hospital furniture. Setting the scene a little bit more clear here would have been nice.
The dialog is vague at first, but telling as the story proceeds--like I can assume that the robbery was a set up, and that Trudy wasn't supposed to get shot. The flesh wound was intentional because Ronald figured out the bullets were real, not blanks--further assumption, Ronald likes Trudy.
Assumptions are great to lead with in a mystery, I just felt that a little background would have made them more complete.
Still, it was very well written. Good work.
JT
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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It's a good story, but not great. I say this because it reads a bit confusing.
I assume because Trudy has been shot that she's in a hospital room, but you have her sitting in a plush chair--not exactly hospital furniture. Setting the scene a little bit more clear here would have been nice.
The dialog is vague at first, but telling as the story proceeds--like I can assume that the robbery was a set up, and that Trudy wasn't supposed to get shot. The flesh wound was intentional because Ronald figured out the bullets were real, not blanks--further assumption, Ronald likes Trudy.
Assumptions are great to lead with in a mystery, I just felt that a little background would have made them more complete.
Still, it was very well written. Good work.
JT
Comment Written 20-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2019
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Thank you for your thorough, honest review. Hope to see a review from you again. I must agree with just about everything you pointed out.
Thanks for the compliments.
Marv
Comment from Artasylum
I do believe that this woman should do an inventory on her choices and who she trusts... Her attitude... "Well, he told me his name... so... Fun story and I will follow... yours, diana
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2019
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I do believe that this woman should do an inventory on her choices and who she trusts... Her attitude... "Well, he told me his name... so... Fun story and I will follow... yours, diana
Comment Written 19-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2019
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Her batting average is pretty low.
Very glad to hear you'll follow.
Marv
Comment from Teresa Alford
This is a story that is very well done. It is well-written and it kept my attention. I think one of the hardest parts of writing is doing dialogue. You have done it with precision!! Great job!! TA ";~)
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2019
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This is a story that is very well done. It is well-written and it kept my attention. I think one of the hardest parts of writing is doing dialogue. You have done it with precision!! Great job!! TA ";~)
Comment Written 19-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2019
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Thank you once for the first sentence of your review. Thank you twice for the second sentence.
Thanks, Teresa, (my daughter's name), for the compliments. Her and I just had lunch while watching a Charlie Chan film.
I look forward to looking at your work.
I like the emoticon you included. One not frequently seen.
Marv
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
it would probably be a good idea to have clear lines between the dialogue to help with the clarity of write. it's easier to follow.
I'm on pain killers - painkillers can be a single word here.
"Montpelier!" Brennan shouted." - delete the speech marks from the very end here.
" Amanda asked, "Did you get stitches?"- delete the speech marks from the beginning here.
She noticed Brennan starring down at her shoes. - staring.
Good solid continuation here. Provided refreshments... lol
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2019
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Hi there,
it would probably be a good idea to have clear lines between the dialogue to help with the clarity of write. it's easier to follow.
I'm on pain killers - painkillers can be a single word here.
"Montpelier!" Brennan shouted." - delete the speech marks from the very end here.
" Amanda asked, "Did you get stitches?"- delete the speech marks from the beginning here.
She noticed Brennan starring down at her shoes. - staring.
Good solid continuation here. Provided refreshments... lol
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 19-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2019
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Your reviews are almost always a big help. When they are not much help is on the rare occasion that I get it right the first time.
Thanks again for all you help. Changes were made. Thanks for the four stars.
Marv
Comment from pome lover
yeah - I BET refreshments.
Brennan is really a corny guy - yelling "Montpelier!"
I don't remember Ronald. He tried to kill her but she's worried about him?
Who is saying, "The gun had blanks, I could tell as soon as.....? Brennan?
It's hard to keep track when they're so far apart, but I'm trying.
Got to go to bed. Had people to dinner tonight and have been cleaning up. tarred!
nighty night, MM
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2019
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yeah - I BET refreshments.
Brennan is really a corny guy - yelling "Montpelier!"
I don't remember Ronald. He tried to kill her but she's worried about him?
Who is saying, "The gun had blanks, I could tell as soon as.....? Brennan?
It's hard to keep track when they're so far apart, but I'm trying.
Got to go to bed. Had people to dinner tonight and have been cleaning up. tarred!
nighty night, MM
Comment Written 19-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2019
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Ronald is the robber of the team. He never wanted to use real bullets. When he picked up the gun, he thought it was too heavy to have blanks so he aimed toward Trudy's left side.
Thanks for taking the time to review.
Marv
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Sorry I didn't do better.
How are you doing?
pl
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I like the nighty night!
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I'll do better next time