Youth
a 15-word contest entry15 total reviews
Comment from phill doran
Hello Anon
Lovely - "...pleasures are like poppies spread, you seize the flower, the bloom is shed..."
You have some excellent and very clear analogies there, all 'natural' and creating a further and much broader analogy with the season of spring.
In passing - just a thought - this piece also has merit with the first line being the fourth;
like ducklings' yellow down,
dandelion fluff in summer breeze,
butterflies' fragile wings;
youth's swiftly lost
You might also consider a possessive for summer (summer's) as you have for ducklings' and butterflies', just to maintain balance?
I mean no disrespect to your original words; these are just ideas which may give you further ideas...
I wish you well with this piece.
cheers
phill
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2019
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Hello Anon
Lovely - "...pleasures are like poppies spread, you seize the flower, the bloom is shed..."
You have some excellent and very clear analogies there, all 'natural' and creating a further and much broader analogy with the season of spring.
In passing - just a thought - this piece also has merit with the first line being the fourth;
like ducklings' yellow down,
dandelion fluff in summer breeze,
butterflies' fragile wings;
youth's swiftly lost
You might also consider a possessive for summer (summer's) as you have for ducklings' and butterflies', just to maintain balance?
I mean no disrespect to your original words; these are just ideas which may give you further ideas...
I wish you well with this piece.
cheers
phill
Comment Written 13-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2019
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Thank you so much, Phil, for taking the time to read YOUTH closely and your suggestions. I like the idea of ending the poem with what?s now the first line. Rod
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
True words and you managed to paint a sweet and tranquil scene of youth in nature here as time surges forward and robs us of our youth, best wishes, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2019
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True words and you managed to paint a sweet and tranquil scene of youth in nature here as time surges forward and robs us of our youth, best wishes, love Dolly x
Comment Written 13-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2019
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Many thanks for your kind praise of YOUTH, Dolly.
Comment from Graybærd
When I read this and I can almost smell the flowers start to bloom and the new birds begin to sing. This poem has great imagery in it.
Best of luck.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2019
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When I read this and I can almost smell the flowers start to bloom and the new birds begin to sing. This poem has great imagery in it.
Best of luck.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2019
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Many thanks for your kind praise of YOUTH, Graybaerd.
Comment from Jaye Bennett
The poet uses the excellent analogies of duckling's yellow down, dandelion fluff, and butterflies wings in this fifteen-word poem. The picture adds meaning as it shows a youthful girl and yellow ducklings. Good job.
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reply by the author on 12-Jan-2019
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The poet uses the excellent analogies of duckling's yellow down, dandelion fluff, and butterflies wings in this fifteen-word poem. The picture adds meaning as it shows a youthful girl and yellow ducklings. Good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2019
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Many thanks, Jaye, for sharing YOUTH and your kind praise. I am delighted you enjoyed the analogies.
Comment from Gloria ....
Delightful imagery to relay the emotion of youth and its passing so quickly. I am particularly fond of the duckling's yellow down, that's very nice.
Best of luck to you in the booth with this gem and many thanks for sharing.
Gloria
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2019
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Delightful imagery to relay the emotion of youth and its passing so quickly. I am particularly fond of the duckling's yellow down, that's very nice.
Best of luck to you in the booth with this gem and many thanks for sharing.
Gloria
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2019
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I am delighted you enjoyed YOUTH, Gloria. Many thanks for your kind praise.
