People We Once Knew
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The King of Madison Avenue"Short Stories
5 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Estory, I liked this story a lot and I see what you're saying, But I'm afraid that what you've described is exactly how the world turns around. It's all about making money and sod the honesty. A cynical outlook, I know. Meanwhile, I enjoy my life in the mountains and my beautiful view. I found a few things for you to consider. I enjoyed the reading and it was very well written. All the best. Ulla:))
James Teagle, shaved and dressed in his best suit with the red tie and gold cuff links, was sitting with his eight year old son at the kitchen table, reading his morning newspaper.= James Teagle, ........., sat with his eight year old son at the kitchen table, reading his morning newspaper.
You promised you'd stop buy Best Buy on the way home. = You promised you'd stop by Best Buy on the way home.
that his ultimate loyalty was to his himself, and his own family.= delete 'his' before 'himself'
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2019
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Hi Estory, I liked this story a lot and I see what you're saying, But I'm afraid that what you've described is exactly how the world turns around. It's all about making money and sod the honesty. A cynical outlook, I know. Meanwhile, I enjoy my life in the mountains and my beautiful view. I found a few things for you to consider. I enjoyed the reading and it was very well written. All the best. Ulla:))
James Teagle, shaved and dressed in his best suit with the red tie and gold cuff links, was sitting with his eight year old son at the kitchen table, reading his morning newspaper.= James Teagle, ........., sat with his eight year old son at the kitchen table, reading his morning newspaper.
You promised you'd stop buy Best Buy on the way home. = You promised you'd stop by Best Buy on the way home.
that his ultimate loyalty was to his himself, and his own family.= delete 'his' before 'himself'
Comment Written 07-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2019
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Thanks for the five star review and all the comments and suggestions, the perspective on the story. I think it's important to put in the cufflinks and fancy suit; I want to show how materialistic Teagle is. It is a cynical view of life and human nature, but it was kind of fun to imagine and create, all the same. I really enjoyed writing the dialogue in this one; it just kind of unrolled from character to character as I got into unveiling the corruption and manipulation behind the scenes. The big key though was the son, though. This complicates the story and validates the ambitions of Teagle. estory
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So true, The son was the pivot in this story. As I said, I really enjoyed the read. Ulla:))
Comment from Sally Law
Excellent story and writing. The dilemma haunted him the whole way through. A close relationship of mine refuses to watch baseball anymore, saying the pure love of the game has been lost.
A typo near the beginning: "You promised you'd stop buy Best Buy on your way home." It should read, "stop by." Also, just a few suggestions to get you more reviews and deserving fives and sixes.
Add photo art, it makes any piece more eye catching. And, shorten your piece a bit. I like to read, but the average FanStory reader is not into such long pieces. I know this for a fact.
I hope this helps.
All my best,
Sally
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
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Excellent story and writing. The dilemma haunted him the whole way through. A close relationship of mine refuses to watch baseball anymore, saying the pure love of the game has been lost.
A typo near the beginning: "You promised you'd stop buy Best Buy on your way home." It should read, "stop by." Also, just a few suggestions to get you more reviews and deserving fives and sixes.
Add photo art, it makes any piece more eye catching. And, shorten your piece a bit. I like to read, but the average FanStory reader is not into such long pieces. I know this for a fact.
I hope this helps.
All my best,
Sally
Comment Written 03-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
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Thanks for the excellent review and all your comments and suggestions. I thought about splitting these pieces up, but that costs valuable member dollars to promote, and it also breaks up the flow of the story. This isn't really that long of a story. Sadly, I think of people here are not really here for the writing, but the social media gratification. I don't pay attention to it. If I get fifty or sixty readers, it's still better than nothing. Glad you liked the story...it was fun to imagine and write. estory
Comment from susand3022
Good afternoon Estory, First let me say that I really enjoyed that story. I hope that sports don't really work that way... I was afraid to read your author's notes in case it was, in part, true! It was a brilliant turn of events, I didn't see such a thing coming from a mile away, and what a fix! What do you really do????? lol Anyway, there are a couple of places where you may want to polish your story a bit, I've noted where they are by the first few words that start the paragraph so you can find everything! (I started counting but soon realized how ridiculous it would be for both of us... lol)
Crowds of commuters... "...seemed to BE talking..."
With that thought... "...crowds, very..." add comma
"...would be decided, in the presence and under the direction
of, Teagle's boss." Leave out, "of" and add the comma
after "of"
The door opened... "...equally aware of this and his ability..." remove comma
Teagle was saved... "...seen enough of them come and go. He dispensed..."
loose "and by this time" and make two sentences.
He made his way... "...the meeting he had just taken part in, betrayed their trust."
add comma
Last paragraph... "...for HIMSELF and his son,"
"...in the end; since..." use semicolon instead of a comma
This is a great story! I was totally entertained at the boardroom table listening to what was going to happen during the new season and how it was all being orchestrated... I still don't want to read your notes!!!
EEEEEEKKKK!!!
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
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Good afternoon Estory, First let me say that I really enjoyed that story. I hope that sports don't really work that way... I was afraid to read your author's notes in case it was, in part, true! It was a brilliant turn of events, I didn't see such a thing coming from a mile away, and what a fix! What do you really do????? lol Anyway, there are a couple of places where you may want to polish your story a bit, I've noted where they are by the first few words that start the paragraph so you can find everything! (I started counting but soon realized how ridiculous it would be for both of us... lol)
Crowds of commuters... "...seemed to BE talking..."
With that thought... "...crowds, very..." add comma
"...would be decided, in the presence and under the direction
of, Teagle's boss." Leave out, "of" and add the comma
after "of"
The door opened... "...equally aware of this and his ability..." remove comma
Teagle was saved... "...seen enough of them come and go. He dispensed..."
loose "and by this time" and make two sentences.
He made his way... "...the meeting he had just taken part in, betrayed their trust."
add comma
Last paragraph... "...for HIMSELF and his son,"
"...in the end; since..." use semicolon instead of a comma
This is a great story! I was totally entertained at the boardroom table listening to what was going to happen during the new season and how it was all being orchestrated... I still don't want to read your notes!!!
EEEEEEKKKK!!!
Comment Written 03-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
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Thank you for the good review and all your comments and suggestions. It's a pretty simple, concise story really, maybe I could polish it up a bit, but it's pretty straight forward. glad it got you thinking. Sports are really businesses, and money makes it all go round. I've seen enough shenanigans in sports to realize that has been manipulated for years. Its worse now with free agency and the television networks. estory
Comment from Philip O'Melia
I'd give this six stars based on your smooth sentence structures and easy flow of logical sequences in the story line, but not so much in the reality of your interactions, or in other words, do people really act and talk in the way you have them, or are you drawing a kind of Leave It To Beaver scenario. For example, in your crowded street scene (which was excellent detail by the way, mentioning all the different types (though "'some' with coffee cups" would have worked better) - but would all those people you mentioned really be talking about the upcoming game, with Teague overhearing them all - I mean in real life? (yes, they could - but really?).
The wife says "Alright, alright, you can talk about baseball later. You've got to get ready for school. the bus leaves in fifteen minutes. Get going, Adam." Do people really talk in that stilted way? No - you were trying to get that info to the reader, but that's not the way. You could just use an author's sum with something like:
Mrs. T noticed Adam's bus was due in 15 minutes - too much baseball talk. She handed Adam his lunch bag - "Get goin', Adam, you'll be late."
And be careful of phrases like "brimming over with excitement" - at a question the boy asked? (maybe "asked hopefully")? And don't just tell the reader the exchanges, but instead have the character's reactions as well, like:
'"When can we go to a game?" the boy asked, sounding pretty upbeat. Teague was glad to see his interest was genuine, he really loved the kid.'
There are lots of places like that where you could draw the reader in by being more realistic and describing in terms of the character's reactions to the events, instead of just citing the events. One spot where you actually do that is with "Things were shaping up." Do it all like that!
There's a lot to like in your writing, like the 2 paragraphs beginning with "He turned to walk..(to)..betrayed his trust," which seemed like a pro might write.
a disturbing thought though - can the fans really be manipulated like that? - there's plenty of romance and scandal with baseball players over the years, but it doesn't seem to affect the fan's base significantly.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
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I'd give this six stars based on your smooth sentence structures and easy flow of logical sequences in the story line, but not so much in the reality of your interactions, or in other words, do people really act and talk in the way you have them, or are you drawing a kind of Leave It To Beaver scenario. For example, in your crowded street scene (which was excellent detail by the way, mentioning all the different types (though "'some' with coffee cups" would have worked better) - but would all those people you mentioned really be talking about the upcoming game, with Teague overhearing them all - I mean in real life? (yes, they could - but really?).
The wife says "Alright, alright, you can talk about baseball later. You've got to get ready for school. the bus leaves in fifteen minutes. Get going, Adam." Do people really talk in that stilted way? No - you were trying to get that info to the reader, but that's not the way. You could just use an author's sum with something like:
Mrs. T noticed Adam's bus was due in 15 minutes - too much baseball talk. She handed Adam his lunch bag - "Get goin', Adam, you'll be late."
And be careful of phrases like "brimming over with excitement" - at a question the boy asked? (maybe "asked hopefully")? And don't just tell the reader the exchanges, but instead have the character's reactions as well, like:
'"When can we go to a game?" the boy asked, sounding pretty upbeat. Teague was glad to see his interest was genuine, he really loved the kid.'
There are lots of places like that where you could draw the reader in by being more realistic and describing in terms of the character's reactions to the events, instead of just citing the events. One spot where you actually do that is with "Things were shaping up." Do it all like that!
There's a lot to like in your writing, like the 2 paragraphs beginning with "He turned to walk..(to)..betrayed his trust," which seemed like a pro might write.
a disturbing thought though - can the fans really be manipulated like that? - there's plenty of romance and scandal with baseball players over the years, but it doesn't seem to affect the fan's base significantly.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
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Thanks so much for the excellent review and all your comments and your perspective on the story. Its a pretty simple, straightforward story, really, I have my own style, which I have been honing for years, and it is what it is in that respect. Dialogue at times is pretty important to me if I want the scene to come alive and you to experience it that way. In this case, I wanted the reader sitting at that table, listening to the conversation. Realistic? Well, the story has a theme, and in such a short space, it is necessary to focus it and keep the attention on the theme. I was really after the complicated feelings of caring about his son and having to make a living. That's really the gist of the story. Can this really happen? Probably is. Sports are big money now; more than ever with television involved, and free agency. I have no doubt it is being manipulated, though most people would rather not think of it and keep believing in the innocent mating ritual it once was. estory
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Thanks for your response to my review of Mad. Ave. - I did get the gist of it as you described. It was just spots here and there - when I write narrative I like to read Elmore Leonard a little first - he has a way of describing things that are addictive (my story here - Rex and His Purty Gal - is pretty much all written in his style, which just seems to come naturally after reading him - check it out!
Comment from apky
I like the opening scenes and how you portrayed the "normal" American family with dad dressed for work, mum doing breakfast while son and dad are engaged with the papers and manly games. I think it's still very much the family scene, despite #MeToo-like outcries about women being people as well.
The money-making world is done with amazing credibility and I could be convinced that this could be as true as it gets in these matters. In fact I could imagine a romance made for the games that would end up with one party or three getting hurt, and not necessarily the match-made couples either.
Brilliant, estory.
that almost everyone seemed to (be) talking about the prospects of the two local teams
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
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I like the opening scenes and how you portrayed the "normal" American family with dad dressed for work, mum doing breakfast while son and dad are engaged with the papers and manly games. I think it's still very much the family scene, despite #MeToo-like outcries about women being people as well.
The money-making world is done with amazing credibility and I could be convinced that this could be as true as it gets in these matters. In fact I could imagine a romance made for the games that would end up with one party or three getting hurt, and not necessarily the match-made couples either.
Brilliant, estory.
that almost everyone seemed to (be) talking about the prospects of the two local teams
Comment Written 03-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2019
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Thanks again for the sixer and all you continued support for my crazy writing. Catch you around! estory