Comment from nor84

Good

Please check the contest announcement. There is a 700 word minimum, and you're a few words short of that. There's still time to bring it up to the minimum.

 Comment Written 29-Dec-2018

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reply by the author on 29-Dec-2018

Yikes, thanks for the heads up. I added some more food to the buffet to make up the numbers, cheers, j

Comment from Earl Corp

Excellent

Pretty good plot and you built up the suspense excellently. Nice twist to the love letter element. I have one question: What is paradichlorobenzene? Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 29-Dec-2018

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reply by the author on 29-Dec-2018

Thanks for the review Earl. It is the fancy name for mothballs, trying to be clever haha. Cheers, judester

Comment from humpwhistle

Excellent

I like the context of the story, but I'm less enthused by the structure.
While you create several characters, they do next to nothing.
Your protagonist 'tells' the story start to finish. When you 'tell' a story you relegate the reader to 'bystander' status. All we can do is 'be told'. Your readers become irrelevant. We can't participate. We can't anticipate. We're left out.

I hope you understand what I'm getting at.

Peace, Lee

 Comment Written 29-Dec-2018

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reply by the author on 29-Dec-2018

Thanks for the helpful review Lee. Are you saying that I should include details on the secondary characters? I do struggle with show don't tell, and thought that little things like the black coat meant she had returned from a funeral. The sisters sticking together in the kitchen, well, we know how that goes, The stagnant house reflecting the stagnant life. More on Charles? How do readers participate? Probably sounds dumb but I really do not know. Cheers and thanks, judester

reply by humpwhistle on 29-Dec-2018

Show vs. Tell is one of the hardest lessons in prose. I'm no expert, but my trick is to use as much dialogue as possible. The meat of your story concerns the relationships between your protagonist, her mother, and Charles. Through dialogue, you can 'show' the dynamics of these relationships--without having to come out and 'tell' us about them--which is called exposition. Exposition does not 'engage' your readers. Exposition merely 'informs' them.

When you 'reveal' your characters via their speech, actions, and thoughts, you allow the reader to form his or her own conclusions. That's what I mean by 'participation'. You're displaying behavior we can interpret for ourselves, as opposed to 'telling' us what to think. Essentially, that's the difference between show and tell. Don't tell me what to think. Show me behavior I can judge for myself.

If you let your characters speak for themselves, readers can make their own assessments.

If you, the author, set out to tell a story, you will. But your reader has no chance to participate.

If you, the author, allow the story to unfold around your characters--through their own voices and actions, you'll make the critical leap.

If you want to make the leap, Judester, try starting your next story with a conversation between two people who don't like each other. Let them joust for a while, see where the story goes.

I hope this helps. Lee

reply by the author on 29-Dec-2018

AHA, Lee thank you for taking the time to further explain. I think I get it now and will try the dialogue test between two people. I have just begun to use dialogue in my stories, so this will encourage me to use the show, don't tell tactic. Again, thanks for the helpful advice and positive guidance, Cheers, judester