Zigzagging a Current
Free style13 total reviews
Comment from Joan E.
Hello, my Northern California neighbor and thanks for letting us know you actually do have a shark phobia. I admired the tension you wove into your storytelling in this free style poem. The repeat of the intriguing title was effective for emphasis as well.
Best wishes in the competition- Joan, from Malibu
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
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Hello, my Northern California neighbor and thanks for letting us know you actually do have a shark phobia. I admired the tension you wove into your storytelling in this free style poem. The repeat of the intriguing title was effective for emphasis as well.
Best wishes in the competition- Joan, from Malibu
Comment Written 23-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2018
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Hello! Thank you. I lost by one vote. Darn. :)
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You deserved to win, but I am glad your fine poem was well received. Cheers- Joan
Comment from LynSys
Pretty frightening Gregory...I can hear the "Jaws" theme song playing in the background!
Well written and you took us with you all the way to the end!
Lynda
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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Pretty frightening Gregory...I can hear the "Jaws" theme song playing in the background!
Well written and you took us with you all the way to the end!
Lynda
Comment Written 23-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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Thank you! Haha pretty creepy ;)
Comment from Pantygynt
And creepy to read. I understood it to be a piece of free verse on reading it. Yes there was rhyme but no regular rhyme scheme as is usually required for 'rhyme poetry'. I believe free verse like this is most appropriate for this type of poem. While it might be possible to write a regularly rhyming poem on this theme I think it would be difficult to do.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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And creepy to read. I understood it to be a piece of free verse on reading it. Yes there was rhyme but no regular rhyme scheme as is usually required for 'rhyme poetry'. I believe free verse like this is most appropriate for this type of poem. While it might be possible to write a regularly rhyming poem on this theme I think it would be difficult to do.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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Thank you! Yes it was difficult to not do free verse. I appreciate your thoughtful review!
Comment from visionary1234
Eeeeeeek! Super fun icky writing here, Greg! (I thought about doing one on large hairy spiders - an Aussie specialty). But now, I wouldn't dare! Who could top this? Fun rhyming and slant rhyming, a fun performance piece. It seems rather irreverent to keep using the word 'fun' here, somehow! And then, of course, being a little quirky by nature, I am left wondering HOW you wrote this poem if you got eaten! :):):) S
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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Eeeeeeek! Super fun icky writing here, Greg! (I thought about doing one on large hairy spiders - an Aussie specialty). But now, I wouldn't dare! Who could top this? Fun rhyming and slant rhyming, a fun performance piece. It seems rather irreverent to keep using the word 'fun' here, somehow! And then, of course, being a little quirky by nature, I am left wondering HOW you wrote this poem if you got eaten! :):):) S
Comment Written 23-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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You're awesome thank you. See, it was different than my usual. There's nothing to look into, it is what it is. This IS my worst fear btw
Comment from l.raven
HI Gregory, so good to see you my friend...wish I had a six for you...but I see it is in a contest...I will get over there...this reminds of the movie Deep Waters...scary as hail...I grew up in Florida...was never crazy about the sharks as well...I love your poem...eeeeekkkkkk...and love the picture...very well written...really pulls you in...love Linda xxoo
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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HI Gregory, so good to see you my friend...wish I had a six for you...but I see it is in a contest...I will get over there...this reminds of the movie Deep Waters...scary as hail...I grew up in Florida...was never crazy about the sharks as well...I love your poem...eeeeekkkkkk...and love the picture...very well written...really pulls you in...love Linda xxoo
Comment Written 22-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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Hi Linda, thank you for such a good review! It is nice to see your name pop up :) really I appreciate it a lot
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your so welcome sweet guy...you got my vote...smiling big back at you...love xxoo
Comment from michaelcahill
This took me even more by surprise since I didn't know it was for the scary contest and all AND I wasn't expecting it from you. HAHAHA!!!!!
Damn effective as it was truly frightening in every sense, especially a REAL one. There's something about events that could be real that trumps ghoulish monsters and ghosts. I can giggle a bit at those.
This should do well, unless, of course, you're penalized for the quality writing. :)) mike
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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This took me even more by surprise since I didn't know it was for the scary contest and all AND I wasn't expecting it from you. HAHAHA!!!!!
Damn effective as it was truly frightening in every sense, especially a REAL one. There's something about events that could be real that trumps ghoulish monsters and ghosts. I can giggle a bit at those.
This should do well, unless, of course, you're penalized for the quality writing. :)) mike
Comment Written 22-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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Hey my man! Thank you!! I'm Glad you weren't expecting it to be me. I just told someone that this is not my usual style. Nothing to look into, it is what it is. It was fun to write, and cool to try a different style.
THANK YOU for the Great review man.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks after the nightmare you continued swimming alone in the black sea within zigzag current, now you wake up and fall asleep within the depths again; well said, well done. Keep Writing, Keep Inspiring -- DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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This speaks after the nightmare you continued swimming alone in the black sea within zigzag current, now you wake up and fall asleep within the depths again; well said, well done. Keep Writing, Keep Inspiring -- DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 22-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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Thank you! I appreciate you reading, and also for the great review.
Comment from rama devi
Excellent entry for the contest. The suspense builds effectively. I felt my hairs stand on end! Superb deep POV (literally--ha ha--pun intended).
Love this phrase:
I swim for the sky,
and this:
swan song upon a dance that can't last
and:
The jagged peak slides between nearby waves,
zigzagging a current, circling my fate
Nice echo of AG sounds in jagged and zigzagging, timed so it sounds like a zigzagging assonance!
Overall, the rhymes and slant rhymes and phonics are superb, and this sounds super read aloud. Great flow too.
Critique:
Since there are periods in some places, I suggest using them in all:
I wake to sudden cracks
as plane rotors snap,
and charcoal smoke blows through our cabin,
left without time to wonder what happened(.)
A final eruption as we begin our descent,
falling from heaven into an ebony abyss(.)
We explode within the briny ocean,
swallowed whole with no emotion(.)
Twisting through shattered window, I swim for the sky,
inhale some midnight air, aware I had survived.
An empty surface assures me I am alive yet alone,
about to awaken upon the horror that's begun(.)
Amber airplane lights grow faint as they sink below,(;)
treading blind within rolling waves, desperate,
I am swimming alone(.)
Black,
Endless,
Vacant,
Breathless.
Seconds drip into hours,(;) I drift without sound,
floating around,
petrified to stir the beasts circling underneath(.)
I fear they're near...
they know I'm here.
Monsters gaze up at kicking feet ~
contrast against a yellow moon,(;)
feeling muscles grow weak,
relief will approach me soon(.)
An abrupt splash breaks a frightened trance ~
swan song upon a dance that can't last(.)
The jagged peak slides between nearby waves,
zigzagging a current, circling my fate(.)
An end to a waking nightmare,
I wait for teeth upon soggy flesh(.)
The sudden tug pulls me under,
as I fall asleep within the depths( . or...)
Excellent entry...good luck!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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Excellent entry for the contest. The suspense builds effectively. I felt my hairs stand on end! Superb deep POV (literally--ha ha--pun intended).
Love this phrase:
I swim for the sky,
and this:
swan song upon a dance that can't last
and:
The jagged peak slides between nearby waves,
zigzagging a current, circling my fate
Nice echo of AG sounds in jagged and zigzagging, timed so it sounds like a zigzagging assonance!
Overall, the rhymes and slant rhymes and phonics are superb, and this sounds super read aloud. Great flow too.
Critique:
Since there are periods in some places, I suggest using them in all:
I wake to sudden cracks
as plane rotors snap,
and charcoal smoke blows through our cabin,
left without time to wonder what happened(.)
A final eruption as we begin our descent,
falling from heaven into an ebony abyss(.)
We explode within the briny ocean,
swallowed whole with no emotion(.)
Twisting through shattered window, I swim for the sky,
inhale some midnight air, aware I had survived.
An empty surface assures me I am alive yet alone,
about to awaken upon the horror that's begun(.)
Amber airplane lights grow faint as they sink below,(;)
treading blind within rolling waves, desperate,
I am swimming alone(.)
Black,
Endless,
Vacant,
Breathless.
Seconds drip into hours,(;) I drift without sound,
floating around,
petrified to stir the beasts circling underneath(.)
I fear they're near...
they know I'm here.
Monsters gaze up at kicking feet ~
contrast against a yellow moon,(;)
feeling muscles grow weak,
relief will approach me soon(.)
An abrupt splash breaks a frightened trance ~
swan song upon a dance that can't last(.)
The jagged peak slides between nearby waves,
zigzagging a current, circling my fate(.)
An end to a waking nightmare,
I wait for teeth upon soggy flesh(.)
The sudden tug pulls me under,
as I fall asleep within the depths( . or...)
Excellent entry...good luck!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 22-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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Thank you! I'm glad you liked it and Really appreciative and grateful for the review. This was a very style or tone than anything I've written. I was afraid it would be corny. Funny thing? I was thinking of doing the punctuation too, because YOU were in my head telling me that while I was writing! I swear. I already went and changed it, thank you!
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Thank you! I'm glad you liked it and Really appreciative and grateful for the review. This was a very style or tone than anything I've written. I was afraid it would be corny. Funny thing? I was thinking of doing the punctuation too, because YOU were in my head telling me that while I was writing! I swear. I already went and changed it, thank you!
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Hee hee--that tickles me to hear!
Big smiles, rd
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I'm with you on this fear, I haven't been in the sea since I saw 'Jaws' it frightened the life out of me. You certainly described it well, I could actually see the thing coming. Uhh! Well done, this is what the contest asked for and you have certainly delivered it. Good luck! :) Sandra x
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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I'm with you on this fear, I haven't been in the sea since I saw 'Jaws' it frightened the life out of me. You certainly described it well, I could actually see the thing coming. Uhh! Well done, this is what the contest asked for and you have certainly delivered it. Good luck! :) Sandra x
Comment Written 22-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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Thank you! I appreciate you reading, and also for the great review. It's great to see your name pop up Sandra. I really do appreciate it.
Comment from country ranch writer
Nice work up for your poem I love the ocean and all it has to offer.I fear the Sharks like you I am aware they can be deadly. Having to survive in the ocean all alone would be the end of me.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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Nice work up for your poem I love the ocean and all it has to offer.I fear the Sharks like you I am aware they can be deadly. Having to survive in the ocean all alone would be the end of me.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2018
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Thank you! I appreciate you reading, and also for the great review. Yes, they are scary lol :)
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Smiles