Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 107 "Chapter Zweiunddreissig part zwei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
20 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Very fine characterization and dialog as well as descriptive detail keeping the reading attentive in the scene. Good pacing too, as usual. Just one spag typo to fix:
*Walking to the living room, Shana sat in (a) comfortable chair and proceeded to give Malachi his bottle.
And one suggestion:
He looked around the room, ran his fingers through his short hair, and then said, "I have no idea what to do."
I suggest trimming the speech tag since the action tag suffices and the reader knows who is speaking:
He looked around the room and ran his fingers through his short hair. "I have no idea what to do."
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2018
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Very fine characterization and dialog as well as descriptive detail keeping the reading attentive in the scene. Good pacing too, as usual. Just one spag typo to fix:
*Walking to the living room, Shana sat in (a) comfortable chair and proceeded to give Malachi his bottle.
And one suggestion:
He looked around the room, ran his fingers through his short hair, and then said, "I have no idea what to do."
I suggest trimming the speech tag since the action tag suffices and the reader knows who is speaking:
He looked around the room and ran his fingers through his short hair. "I have no idea what to do."
Love,
rd
Comment Written 13-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2018
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I have made the corrections. Thank you for the help.
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Happy to help
Comment from rheabug
Barbara, this is a well written addition to your story. Keeps me reading and reading to see what happens next. I appreciate the small increments in which you write because it makes it easier to take it all in.. HUGS!!
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2018
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Barbara, this is a well written addition to your story. Keeps me reading and reading to see what happens next. I appreciate the small increments in which you write because it makes it easier to take it all in.. HUGS!!
Comment Written 13-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from rtobaygo
Good morning, Barbara
Enjoyed the continuation. The sexual tension between Anderson and Shanna appears to grow. One can feel Andersons's frustration at not getting a straight answer from Shanna and in turn, Shanna's inability to articulate her feelings in a manner Anderson would understand. Great hook at the end. Well done!
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2018
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Good morning, Barbara
Enjoyed the continuation. The sexual tension between Anderson and Shanna appears to grow. One can feel Andersons's frustration at not getting a straight answer from Shanna and in turn, Shanna's inability to articulate her feelings in a manner Anderson would understand. Great hook at the end. Well done!
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
Comment Written 12-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2018
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Thank you for understanding. I appreciate the kind review.
Comment from Lisa Heath
The reviewer of this short story found it to be a fun and lovable read. Just wish I could've caught it at the beginning to find out what has happened to the mother of the children! Lisa Heath
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2018
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The reviewer of this short story found it to be a fun and lovable read. Just wish I could've caught it at the beginning to find out what has happened to the mother of the children! Lisa Heath
Comment Written 11-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2018
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The child's mother was murdered by the Russian Mafia, but she was a druggy. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Sasha
Poor Drew, Shana still refuses to talk to him. I have to agree, there is nothing she can say that she hasn't already said. I wonder if she is beginning to soften. I do hope so despite her fears, he is the perfect man for her. Nice work with this chapter.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2018
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Poor Drew, Shana still refuses to talk to him. I have to agree, there is nothing she can say that she hasn't already said. I wonder if she is beginning to soften. I do hope so despite her fears, he is the perfect man for her. Nice work with this chapter.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2018
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I agree Drew is perfect and has so much patience. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from robyn corum
Barbara,
No, no, NO! I thought we were about to get somewhere! Rats! And a hex on whomever started that dratted fire that interrupted the conversation. yuck, yuck, yuck!
Okay. I'll be patient -- until next time, then!
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2018
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Barbara,
No, no, NO! I thought we were about to get somewhere! Rats! And a hex on whomever started that dratted fire that interrupted the conversation. yuck, yuck, yuck!
Okay. I'll be patient -- until next time, then!
Comment Written 11-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2018
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I promise things will start to happen. I think there's only 10 more posts. Thank you.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Barbara,
Yay! We are now getting to the issue. I think Drew has a good point about how he feels about Emily. When it is compared to the love Benjamin has for Shana, it puts things into the correct perspective.
I'm almost positive Drew will convert -- but we shall see,
~MP~
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2018
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Hi, Barbara,
Yay! We are now getting to the issue. I think Drew has a good point about how he feels about Emily. When it is compared to the love Benjamin has for Shana, it puts things into the correct perspective.
I'm almost positive Drew will convert -- but we shall see,
~MP~
Comment Written 11-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2018
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We'll wait to see. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from apky
Dear Barbara,
You have a fabulous story here and you have been working on it so hard for nearly two years now. I joined in February 2017 and that's when I began to read the story, and by then it was at chapter six or seven, if I remember correctly. So what am I going on and on about, you wonder. Well, I'm going to give you the sort of review a publisher's editor would. Please remember that I'm not beating up your work to death. I'm saying this is a great story and should be done successfully.
To begin with, why has Drew not managed to deal with the Russians effectively 90K words into the story? If he can't do it on his own with his security team, why has he not brought the police in on it? A successful man takes control. So far in the novel, this should have been apparent and done. Otherwise he comes across as weak. So far you the writer fail the reader by not offering them a defined character arc here. You should have done that by the middle of the novel.
Another point against Drew and Shana is the shilly-shallying of their relationship. Here too, it's like the proverbial vynil that keeps skipping to the same groove and not going forward. Women readers want "a man's man" who doesn't simply go through the motions of protector and provider but also asserts himself at some point. Take the following lines:
"I figured as much." Anderson paused. "You're afraid he'll disown you." (he has been saying this and acting so considerately throughout. He can't keep repeating this. It has thinned out to gossamer. As a man, he needs to either give Shana up until she realises she has to do something despite that all encomapassing dad of hers or lose the man she loves. Or Drew would simply stop all the begging and fauning, wrap Shana in his arms and kiss her passionately, yes, even against her "will", to show his determination. Then of course Shana would be furious and shocked and possibly run away to good old dad or wherever. But the kiss would remain with her because, hey, she loves this man. Then pitch her against her own fury at Drew's audacity and her emotions, her feelings for Drew. She'd miss him like hell, taste that unwanted kiss over and over again, until she wants it again, dear Lord, she wants his arms around her and his lips on hers. What to do, go back to him? Apologize for running away but give him concrete reasons why (and not by bottle feeding a cat, for heavens sake)? Here again, you would offer the reader Shana's character arc. Shana has to grow and act adult, act like a woman in love!
"I think Malachi needs another bottle." Shana stood. (can you see the readers rolling their eyes at this response, Barbara?)
"Don't worry about it. I'll get used to it." (He has said this so often the women readers are no longer rolling their eyes, they're gagging!)
As I said, my dear fellow writer, I'm not out to beat your work to a pulp. I'm out to help you make this marvellous story the story of the year. You chose a fabulous subect, one I also write about in all my romance books: the culture and tradition clash. By now you should have taken it a lot farther and have it happening in their domestic situation: what to eat on Fridays, fish or meat? Wearing that revealing gown or something more "decent". Shopping for something direly needed on a Saturday, the Sabbath, or not...
Warm regards,
Aki
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2018
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Dear Barbara,
You have a fabulous story here and you have been working on it so hard for nearly two years now. I joined in February 2017 and that's when I began to read the story, and by then it was at chapter six or seven, if I remember correctly. So what am I going on and on about, you wonder. Well, I'm going to give you the sort of review a publisher's editor would. Please remember that I'm not beating up your work to death. I'm saying this is a great story and should be done successfully.
To begin with, why has Drew not managed to deal with the Russians effectively 90K words into the story? If he can't do it on his own with his security team, why has he not brought the police in on it? A successful man takes control. So far in the novel, this should have been apparent and done. Otherwise he comes across as weak. So far you the writer fail the reader by not offering them a defined character arc here. You should have done that by the middle of the novel.
Another point against Drew and Shana is the shilly-shallying of their relationship. Here too, it's like the proverbial vynil that keeps skipping to the same groove and not going forward. Women readers want "a man's man" who doesn't simply go through the motions of protector and provider but also asserts himself at some point. Take the following lines:
"I figured as much." Anderson paused. "You're afraid he'll disown you." (he has been saying this and acting so considerately throughout. He can't keep repeating this. It has thinned out to gossamer. As a man, he needs to either give Shana up until she realises she has to do something despite that all encomapassing dad of hers or lose the man she loves. Or Drew would simply stop all the begging and fauning, wrap Shana in his arms and kiss her passionately, yes, even against her "will", to show his determination. Then of course Shana would be furious and shocked and possibly run away to good old dad or wherever. But the kiss would remain with her because, hey, she loves this man. Then pitch her against her own fury at Drew's audacity and her emotions, her feelings for Drew. She'd miss him like hell, taste that unwanted kiss over and over again, until she wants it again, dear Lord, she wants his arms around her and his lips on hers. What to do, go back to him? Apologize for running away but give him concrete reasons why (and not by bottle feeding a cat, for heavens sake)? Here again, you would offer the reader Shana's character arc. Shana has to grow and act adult, act like a woman in love!
"I think Malachi needs another bottle." Shana stood. (can you see the readers rolling their eyes at this response, Barbara?)
"Don't worry about it. I'll get used to it." (He has said this so often the women readers are no longer rolling their eyes, they're gagging!)
As I said, my dear fellow writer, I'm not out to beat your work to a pulp. I'm out to help you make this marvellous story the story of the year. You chose a fabulous subect, one I also write about in all my romance books: the culture and tradition clash. By now you should have taken it a lot farther and have it happening in their domestic situation: what to eat on Fridays, fish or meat? Wearing that revealing gown or something more "decent". Shopping for something direly needed on a Saturday, the Sabbath, or not...
Warm regards,
Aki
Comment Written 11-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2018
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If he can't do it on his own with his security team, why has he not brought the police in on it? (The FBI is involved) I don't know what to say. Between you and Mastery, maybe I should hang up my computer.
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Barbara, don't you dare! If you hang up that computer, I'm coming to get you with a poisonous Maasai spear!
Mastery? Good, then I'll enroll him to come join me with his best Glock or two!
*smile* - Just pick up what your guts tell you that you want to pick up. Writers are like readers: they see their own interpretations of the story. That's why some readers love the bad guy better than the good hero...
And if the FBI is on this, Drew should go kick their butts - they should at least have had some results by now.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Barbara.
Suggestions: " Shana sat in comfortable chair and proceeded to give Malachi his bottle. (do you mean sat in A comfortable chair?)
And: Rewrite this sentence, I think: ""Will you answer some questions? There are a few things I don't understand." After Shana nodded, Anderson continued, "Are you afraid of me?"
Try. "There are a few things I don't understand."
Shana nodded so he said, "Are you afraid of me?"
Barbara, I feel bad because you do not listen to advice I must have given you at least a dozen time since I have been reviewing your work over the years. for one thing, this plot has never changed basically and it focuses mainly on pets.
Also, I am speaking of you putting dialogue before action: Like here for instance. It must seem like a small thing to you, but it has a tendency to drive me and I am sure some other knowledgeable writers on here nuts!
Like this: "I think Malachi needs another bottle." Shana stood."
Now read it this way: Shana stood. "I think Malachi needs another bottle."
Read these two. don't you see the difference in the sound?
Barbara, I feel bad because you do not listen to advice I must have given you at least a dozen time since I have been reviewing your work over the years. Furthermore, this plot has never changed basically and it focuses mainly on pets.
Don't you want to succeed? I suggest you wrap this up asap and start a new story, completely different than with "Shana."
I want to read your writing, but feel you are being stubborn about some of this. For instance, you refuse to start saying common things we can all understand, like Chapter One, or Part two for headers.
Sigh. I will hope for better for you because you do have talent with a pen. Bob
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reply by the author on 16-Dec-2018
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Hi, Barbara.
Suggestions: " Shana sat in comfortable chair and proceeded to give Malachi his bottle. (do you mean sat in A comfortable chair?)
And: Rewrite this sentence, I think: ""Will you answer some questions? There are a few things I don't understand." After Shana nodded, Anderson continued, "Are you afraid of me?"
Try. "There are a few things I don't understand."
Shana nodded so he said, "Are you afraid of me?"
Barbara, I feel bad because you do not listen to advice I must have given you at least a dozen time since I have been reviewing your work over the years. for one thing, this plot has never changed basically and it focuses mainly on pets.
Also, I am speaking of you putting dialogue before action: Like here for instance. It must seem like a small thing to you, but it has a tendency to drive me and I am sure some other knowledgeable writers on here nuts!
Like this: "I think Malachi needs another bottle." Shana stood."
Now read it this way: Shana stood. "I think Malachi needs another bottle."
Read these two. don't you see the difference in the sound?
Barbara, I feel bad because you do not listen to advice I must have given you at least a dozen time since I have been reviewing your work over the years. Furthermore, this plot has never changed basically and it focuses mainly on pets.
Don't you want to succeed? I suggest you wrap this up asap and start a new story, completely different than with "Shana."
I want to read your writing, but feel you are being stubborn about some of this. For instance, you refuse to start saying common things we can all understand, like Chapter One, or Part two for headers.
Sigh. I will hope for better for you because you do have talent with a pen. Bob
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2018
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I have made the corrections. I have already stated my next novel, which I have already written 10 chapters of, will not use a different language for the chapter titles. I have figured out another way to do it, but I will finish this novel with it. I only have 10 posts left. In today's post, I have attempted to place all of the action before the dialogue. I might have missed a few, SORRY if I did. I am worried that people will comment that I have started my paragraphs the same.
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Hi, Barb. You wrote ten chapters?? LOL It takes me a full week to do just one. By the time I set up the first draft, then skip a day and go back over it. I always find things I want to change or NEED to change. Then I do the same thing three more times before each sunday which I call "Posting day."
I am so happy to hear you did those things, Barbara. Good for you. I look forward to reading the new book. As far as being worried about them thinking something is wrong wit the way you start each paragraph?? Not sure what you mean. You can start some with the pronoun "he" or "she" but then start some with the action like this example:
Moving the chair over to the kitchen, HE took a seat." as opposed to HE took a seat after he moved the chair to the kitchen. (This may be a bad example, but hopefully you gdet the idea. It eliminates the overuse of the pronoun HE ar the beginning of every sentence. Bless hyou. Bob
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I wrote it during the summer. It took me all summer. The ending if the chapter I am posting after church has been edited probably 15 -20 times. LOL Unfortunately I still make numerous mistakes. NOT ON PURPOSE!! I haven't had time since school started to write a single word. I will use pronouns but if there are are two men in the room, it could get confusing.
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Do not let this become a mission that causes you stress, Barbara. You revised one chapter ten to 20 times? Please. Do not do that to me, my friend. Don't throw the term "revised" around so loosely. There is a big difference between ten and twenty which indicates to me that you tend to exaggerate. You must sit back and ask yourself "Am I being honest with myself?"
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I am being honest. I have had this novel finished for a long time and have reread it every weekend, and reread it while I was writing it. I am not exaggerating at all. If you knew me, you would know how often I check things. I do with my teaching too. I have lesson plans finished for weeks out. I do the reading lesson plans for the first grade team. I get completely frustrated when my teammates don't get theirs to me in a timely manner so I can get my weekly plans together so I can go over them, again and again. The parts of my new book, I've already finished has been edited probably 10 times, already.
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Slorry, you said ten to twenty times? Big difference see? Okay. I will nbe anxious to look at this week's post. Bob (How many imes have you checked and revised this chapter? Just curious. :) Bob
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Slorry, you said ten to twenty times? Big difference see? Okay. I will nbe anxious to look at this week's post. Bob (How many imes have you checked and revised this chapter? Just curious. :) Bob
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Since I wrote it over spring break last March probably a total of 15 - 20 times. I went over it last Sunday, before church today, and will go over it twice now before I post it.
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Good. :)
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Now it looks like the Russians are on the move but I'm sure Drew's men are up to the challenge. But, Drew also has another challenge, one he's really having problems with. Will he go directly to Benjamin? He'll have to do something soon. Religion is about love, so why is it so hard for different religions to come to terms with this? Sad really. Well done, my friend, the next part is looked forward to most eagerly. Big hugs, :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2018
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Now it looks like the Russians are on the move but I'm sure Drew's men are up to the challenge. But, Drew also has another challenge, one he's really having problems with. Will he go directly to Benjamin? He'll have to do something soon. Religion is about love, so why is it so hard for different religions to come to terms with this? Sad really. Well done, my friend, the next part is looked forward to most eagerly. Big hugs, :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 10-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.