Going Home to Katie-Bug
It was a long journey to close a chapter6 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
OMG! That had me crying too! Katie-Bug really is an old soul. What she did for her brother was wonderful. I couldn't drag my eyes away from this amazing story, so full of emotion. I can believe that many soldiers come home with the ghosts of their mates living in their heads. 'Time to close the chapter, Matty. Time to let them go home...' Those words coming from his little sister gave me goosebumps. That was so well written and I hope you win this contest, because it so deserves to win. This is six star material, I'm so sorry I haven't one to give you. Good luck!! :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2018
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OMG! That had me crying too! Katie-Bug really is an old soul. What she did for her brother was wonderful. I couldn't drag my eyes away from this amazing story, so full of emotion. I can believe that many soldiers come home with the ghosts of their mates living in their heads. 'Time to close the chapter, Matty. Time to let them go home...' Those words coming from his little sister gave me goosebumps. That was so well written and I hope you win this contest, because it so deserves to win. This is six star material, I'm so sorry I haven't one to give you. Good luck!! :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 23-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2018
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Thank you so much for your positive review and your wonderful encouragement, Sandra -- I actually cried a bit myself as I wrote this one (not joking). I do so appreciate your stopping by -- you're welcome to stop by any time! :) Have a wonderful weekend! :) ;)
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I most definitely will, once I know who you are! I'll have to watch the contests. :))
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
I, for one, cannot imagine war and it's lasting effects on the poor souls who must live through it. But I have to imagine you have captured a lot of that horror right here. Really well done and I expect that you'll do great in the voting. Good luck!
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Dear Mystery Writer,
I, for one, cannot imagine war and it's lasting effects on the poor souls who must live through it. But I have to imagine you have captured a lot of that horror right here. Really well done and I expect that you'll do great in the voting. Good luck!
Comment Written 21-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Thank you.
Comment from apky
Since you story is very engaging, this reader will only point at the main drawback to your style as mention below, with one paragraph of yours as an example.
Good luck with the contest.
>Hadir would smirk and he [Matteo] would glance up from his latest paperback and just shake his head; both of them would then just quietly continue eating. Franks and Buckley both turned to say something to Jordan, but they never got to because the Colonel would walk in.< In this paragraph you start the narrative with a supposition, then continue with the past tense. You do this a couple of times in other following sentences. This mingled style throws the reader off, lessens the joy of the read.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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Since you story is very engaging, this reader will only point at the main drawback to your style as mention below, with one paragraph of yours as an example.
Good luck with the contest.
>Hadir would smirk and he [Matteo] would glance up from his latest paperback and just shake his head; both of them would then just quietly continue eating. Franks and Buckley both turned to say something to Jordan, but they never got to because the Colonel would walk in.< In this paragraph you start the narrative with a supposition, then continue with the past tense. You do this a couple of times in other following sentences. This mingled style throws the reader off, lessens the joy of the read.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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Thank you for the second set of eyes, apky -- you know, no matter how many times you read through your own writes, seems that some things you'll just never see cuz your brain knows what SHOULD be there so you just 'miss' stuff. :) ;) Went back through that part and think I've got it nice and consistent now. Thanx again and have a wonderful week! :) ;)
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Yep, don't I know it. I've even once self-published a book only to discover more than forty typos and "exchanged" words such as shutter instead of shatter or crush instead of crash etc....
From then on, I make sure my three editors go through my work before publication: in Arizona, in London, and in Melbourne, Australia.
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Also, went to nominate you for 'reviewer' and it seems I've reached my limit for the month -- soooooo sorry!! :) Do appreciate your read and review, ma'am --- I owe you one! :) ;)
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Assisting each other is why we're here. If I achieved that with you in any small way, I've already been rewarded. Thanks for thinking of me for the nomination.
Comment from tfawcus
If there's anyone on site who doesn't know what post-traumatic stress disorder is all about, they need to read this. It's about as clear a description of the recurring nightmare as anyone could give. I don't see how anyone else in this contest can come within a mile this one.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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If there's anyone on site who doesn't know what post-traumatic stress disorder is all about, they need to read this. It's about as clear a description of the recurring nightmare as anyone could give. I don't see how anyone else in this contest can come within a mile this one.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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Thanx so much for the wonderful stars and especially for your comments and 'vote of confidence' -- all mean more than you know. :) ;) ;) Thanx for stopping by -- always appreciate hearing from you! :) ;) Have a wonderful Thanxgiving! :) ;)
Comment from beizanten
A dark yet intriguing first paragraph that easily entice us reader to read more, well done! an interesting plotline and characters. You describe the characters situation and their emotion well
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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A dark yet intriguing first paragraph that easily entice us reader to read more, well done! an interesting plotline and characters. You describe the characters situation and their emotion well
Comment Written 20-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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Thanx for stopping by, beizanten -- appreciate the read and review! :) ;) Know that you're welcome to stop by anytime, sir -- have a wonderful Thanxgiving (if you're American!) and simply a wonderful week! :) ;)
Comment from gene roush
This is good.
You build and hold the tension nicely.
It seems to that there are a few things that you might want to look at.
You do a nice job of avoiding tags on dialogue, but introductions and speech still need to be in the same paragraph.
Then, of course, Jordan - Stephanie when it was just she and him - would have to intervene with her maybe not-so-feminine ways.
"Sit down! Neither of you should use that term since no one here seems to think either of you have one anyway!"
Is an example.
I found stuff like "And even though he outsized her greatly at nearly six feet and over two hundred pounds - and that was before he started working out regularly ", confusing rather than defining imagery.
The story closes well.
Art is subjective, my view is personal. I hope it's helpful.
You're a talented writer. Thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest.
Gene
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
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This is good.
You build and hold the tension nicely.
It seems to that there are a few things that you might want to look at.
You do a nice job of avoiding tags on dialogue, but introductions and speech still need to be in the same paragraph.
Then, of course, Jordan - Stephanie when it was just she and him - would have to intervene with her maybe not-so-feminine ways.
"Sit down! Neither of you should use that term since no one here seems to think either of you have one anyway!"
Is an example.
I found stuff like "And even though he outsized her greatly at nearly six feet and over two hundred pounds - and that was before he started working out regularly ", confusing rather than defining imagery.
The story closes well.
Art is subjective, my view is personal. I hope it's helpful.
You're a talented writer. Thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest.
Gene
Comment Written 19-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
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Thank you for your read and review, Gene -- no matter how many times you read your own work, you KNOW what you wanted and meant to say so things PRETTY much look RIGHT about the fifth or sixth time through, so I very much your taking the time to walk through it for me. Took care of those items -- and do appreciate your eyes and comments. :) ;) :) ;) Take care and have a Happy Thanxgiving! :)
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Sure thing
We all need help. That's why we're here.
Gene
