Manja
Till we meet again25 total reviews
Comment from tfawcus
A lovely story here. I read it yesterday, but didn't have time to review. The phrase that really stuck in my mind above all others was, "a beautiful name has no meaning when you are lost at sea".
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2018
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A lovely story here. I read it yesterday, but didn't have time to review. The phrase that really stuck in my mind above all others was, "a beautiful name has no meaning when you are lost at sea".
Comment Written 22-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2018
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Thank you
Comment from Gloria ....
This is an interesting story Jean. Although it isn't really clear why she is beached, one gathers from her conversation with the crab how their clandestine meeting should occur again. This could most definitely be social commentary, but it can also stand as a fairy tale.
Great job and keep writing. :)
Gloria
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2018
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This is an interesting story Jean. Although it isn't really clear why she is beached, one gathers from her conversation with the crab how their clandestine meeting should occur again. This could most definitely be social commentary, but it can also stand as a fairy tale.
Great job and keep writing. :)
Gloria
Comment Written 21-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2018
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Thank you
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Your story tells of an interesting meeting of two sea creatures. It's very well written. It would make an excellent contest entry. As it is it would be good to expand on the story and tell of their next encounter.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Your story tells of an interesting meeting of two sea creatures. It's very well written. It would make an excellent contest entry. As it is it would be good to expand on the story and tell of their next encounter.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Thank you
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Thank you
Comment from Sanku
A sweet tale. a mermaid and a crab .a dolphin to help her go back.
quite a fantasy.
you write well there is clarity and smooth flow.
crab's farewell line is touching. he will dream of her and her next time they meet.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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A sweet tale. a mermaid and a crab .a dolphin to help her go back.
quite a fantasy.
you write well there is clarity and smooth flow.
crab's farewell line is touching. he will dream of her and her next time they meet.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Thank you
Comment from country ranch writer
Love is blind sometimes we find it in the funniest of places. A friend indeed to help her get back to the seas so she is no longer lost and is happy once again.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Love is blind sometimes we find it in the funniest of places. A friend indeed to help her get back to the seas so she is no longer lost and is happy once again.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Thank you
Comment from DonandVicki
One of the first Mermaid stories I have ever read or reviewed. I have read a mermaid tale or two to my granddaughter. I will be sure to read yours to her as well.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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One of the first Mermaid stories I have ever read or reviewed. I have read a mermaid tale or two to my granddaughter. I will be sure to read yours to her as well.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Thank you
Comment from Lady Jane
She felt drained(.) The mermaid washed up and alone(.) She (was) the beauty of the sea (no longer.)- edit suggestion
It all happened so suddenly. Manja, her name(,) as beautiful as she(,) but a beautiful name has no meaning when you're lost at sea. - edit suggestion
She had many dealings with these beach creatures(.) (They)were friends(,) not foes and had always kept a look out for the humans. - edit suggestion
way.He told - needs a space here between period after 'way,' and 'He'
She told him about her adventures of the sea, the storms(,) and the cave in which she lived. -comma needed
He told her he once had a crush on her sister. - removed the first 'had' from the sentence.
They both giggled . - move period to the 'd' - it's off away from the word. This is also an issue up in the body of writing. It's an easy fix. Just delete a space anywhere you see the period off and away from the word it's ending :)
Just then the sound of a dolphin filled the air.It was time to go.He told her to make sure she followed the dolphin's call so she did not get lost again. - needs a space here between the period following ''air' and 'The' and the next sentence after 'go,' and 'He.'
Manja,beautiful Manja , now excited to go back to her marine family kissed the crab farewell. - needs a space here before 'beautiful' and the comma after the second 'Manja' moved to the word.
" It is you I love,not your sister " - needs space here between 'comma' and 'not' and closing the space between the quotation marks and "It'
" Till we meet again,"she cried as she gave a big splash and disappeared out of sight. - here as well...spacing after the quotation marks and the word 'Till' needs to come right after the quotation marks.
Wow, this could be a Disney short cartoon, dear. It's fun, fresh and full of childhood imagery and creative fiction. Dialogue was good and the characters were well defined.
I've made some edit suggestions to help with sentence structure and flow. I wish you all the best of luck, dear. Keep writing!
Janelle
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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She felt drained(.) The mermaid washed up and alone(.) She (was) the beauty of the sea (no longer.)- edit suggestion
It all happened so suddenly. Manja, her name(,) as beautiful as she(,) but a beautiful name has no meaning when you're lost at sea. - edit suggestion
She had many dealings with these beach creatures(.) (They)were friends(,) not foes and had always kept a look out for the humans. - edit suggestion
way.He told - needs a space here between period after 'way,' and 'He'
She told him about her adventures of the sea, the storms(,) and the cave in which she lived. -comma needed
He told her he once had a crush on her sister. - removed the first 'had' from the sentence.
They both giggled . - move period to the 'd' - it's off away from the word. This is also an issue up in the body of writing. It's an easy fix. Just delete a space anywhere you see the period off and away from the word it's ending :)
Just then the sound of a dolphin filled the air.It was time to go.He told her to make sure she followed the dolphin's call so she did not get lost again. - needs a space here between the period following ''air' and 'The' and the next sentence after 'go,' and 'He.'
Manja,beautiful Manja , now excited to go back to her marine family kissed the crab farewell. - needs a space here before 'beautiful' and the comma after the second 'Manja' moved to the word.
" It is you I love,not your sister " - needs space here between 'comma' and 'not' and closing the space between the quotation marks and "It'
" Till we meet again,"she cried as she gave a big splash and disappeared out of sight. - here as well...spacing after the quotation marks and the word 'Till' needs to come right after the quotation marks.
Wow, this could be a Disney short cartoon, dear. It's fun, fresh and full of childhood imagery and creative fiction. Dialogue was good and the characters were well defined.
I've made some edit suggestions to help with sentence structure and flow. I wish you all the best of luck, dear. Keep writing!
Janelle
Comment Written 20-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Thank you so much for your editing help
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was so sweet, and so lovely! I love reading stories of mermaids, anything that is not of the norm, fairies, angels, they all give me goosebumps. So, what I'm trying to say is, please write some more about Manja! To think the crab was in love with her, not her sister, aww! :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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That was so sweet, and so lovely! I love reading stories of mermaids, anything that is not of the norm, fairies, angels, they all give me goosebumps. So, what I'm trying to say is, please write some more about Manja! To think the crab was in love with her, not her sister, aww! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 20-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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Thank you
Comment from Sugarray77
I love this fantastical tale that you share with us about a lost Mermaid. It is delightful and can easily be read to a child. Good presentation and logical flow to this as well as characters that are easily enjoyable. Thanks for a good read.
Melissa
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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I love this fantastical tale that you share with us about a lost Mermaid. It is delightful and can easily be read to a child. Good presentation and logical flow to this as well as characters that are easily enjoyable. Thanks for a good read.
Melissa
Comment Written 20-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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Thank you
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I reviewed a piece of yours earlier today I think and the same presentation issues are in effect here around the punctuation, and spacing.
Some of the sentences are a little fractured and makes the read a bit jerky.
A crab side stepped close to her.she had,had- sidestepped can be a single word here. Also She should be capitalised as it follows a full stop / period. And, no comma necessary between the two uses of 'had'.
she followed the Dolphins call - dolphin's.
Manja,beautiful manja - the second use of the name should be capitalised.
There's a nice innocence about this piece. Quirky and pleasing.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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Hi there,
I reviewed a piece of yours earlier today I think and the same presentation issues are in effect here around the punctuation, and spacing.
Some of the sentences are a little fractured and makes the read a bit jerky.
A crab side stepped close to her.she had,had- sidestepped can be a single word here. Also She should be capitalised as it follows a full stop / period. And, no comma necessary between the two uses of 'had'.
she followed the Dolphins call - dolphin's.
Manja,beautiful manja - the second use of the name should be capitalised.
There's a nice innocence about this piece. Quirky and pleasing.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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Thank you
