The Game
Evil is alive and well in this world.5 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bunny. You only pop in here once in a great while, and i so desperately want to read and review your work (I am a fan, if you check) However, you tend to make it impossible to enjoy your writing and it is consequently not "reader friendly" material.
Your paragraphing is way off. Almost every one of them is entirely too long to read comfortably. (paragraphs are for a good reason)
They give the reader a mental pause while reading the piece (especially a long piece)
If you shorten up your paragraphs with the reader in mind instead of just getting your thoughts down on paper, I think you may get many more reviews.
My intention is not to hurt your feelings, Bunny, but to help you so I might read your work. Bless you, Bob
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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Hi, Bunny. You only pop in here once in a great while, and i so desperately want to read and review your work (I am a fan, if you check) However, you tend to make it impossible to enjoy your writing and it is consequently not "reader friendly" material.
Your paragraphing is way off. Almost every one of them is entirely too long to read comfortably. (paragraphs are for a good reason)
They give the reader a mental pause while reading the piece (especially a long piece)
If you shorten up your paragraphs with the reader in mind instead of just getting your thoughts down on paper, I think you may get many more reviews.
My intention is not to hurt your feelings, Bunny, but to help you so I might read your work. Bless you, Bob
Comment Written 11-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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As always, your constructive criticism is taken to heart and appreciated. Thanks for reading my story.
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:)
Thank God you understand. Bob
Comment from tkbrown
You have written a faith based cleansing story for entry into a Horror Story Writing Contest. The story begins with two young teen boys camping out in the backyard one Friday night. The next morning, the boys broke-up camp and reported they would be staying inside that night. By Sunday afternoon 'mom' was beginning to experience strange intermittent episodes when it seemed that someone was in the room with her. Monday morning VBS began and the incident's intensified. Mom asked the pastor about it, and he agreed to stop by the next afternoon to see if he could help resolve the issue. By afternoon, even the family's german shepherd was acting spooked. Dad was called out of town for the night and mom was there with the five children. During the night, mom and the older teen were encircled by the evil spirits that had invaded their home after the older boy's friend brought an Ouigi Board to play with the previous Friday night. Mom prayed intensely and the evil abated. The moral of the story is to show that no matter how good a Christian one might be, evil is always on the lookout for an opening to overcome good and to permanently separate us from our God in heaven above. BUNNYS, you have written well. I commend you for being willing to speak out about the powers of evil to overcome good if we do not maintain an alert, dedicated interaction with God through Jesus Christ our Lord. Thank You for sharing and for allowing me to review it. tkbrown
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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You have written a faith based cleansing story for entry into a Horror Story Writing Contest. The story begins with two young teen boys camping out in the backyard one Friday night. The next morning, the boys broke-up camp and reported they would be staying inside that night. By Sunday afternoon 'mom' was beginning to experience strange intermittent episodes when it seemed that someone was in the room with her. Monday morning VBS began and the incident's intensified. Mom asked the pastor about it, and he agreed to stop by the next afternoon to see if he could help resolve the issue. By afternoon, even the family's german shepherd was acting spooked. Dad was called out of town for the night and mom was there with the five children. During the night, mom and the older teen were encircled by the evil spirits that had invaded their home after the older boy's friend brought an Ouigi Board to play with the previous Friday night. Mom prayed intensely and the evil abated. The moral of the story is to show that no matter how good a Christian one might be, evil is always on the lookout for an opening to overcome good and to permanently separate us from our God in heaven above. BUNNYS, you have written well. I commend you for being willing to speak out about the powers of evil to overcome good if we do not maintain an alert, dedicated interaction with God through Jesus Christ our Lord. Thank You for sharing and for allowing me to review it. tkbrown
Comment Written 11-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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Thank you so much for reading my story and your kind words. Your encouragement, and the wonderful review, are very much appreciated!
Bunny
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You're Welcome, Bunny! The honour is mine! tkbrown
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
There's a real good story inside of this. I think with a little more judicial editing (taking out some repetition and streamlining other parts) you could have a very powerful one. It's a little long and some of the detailing could be significantly trimmed. This comes in at just shy of 5000 words, which is within limits but is a little long.
A few things I noted as I read-
As I sat outside with my family, a few minutes later. I laughed at myself for being so ridiculous- I think it should be a comma following after rather than a full stop / period.
It's hard to get away from in a first person narrative but many of your sentences do start with 'I'. Maybe go through and try to vary some more of them structurally.
I quickly opened my eyes / without closing my eyes / out of the corner of my eye / would catch my eye - be careful of these little pockets of repetition. These all come very close together.
the girls play with their Barbie's,- this is just a plural so no apostrophe is necessary.
stood there, scared to death / shaken and scared to death. - again watch out for repetitive phrasing (you use this phrase later on as well).
Whatever I had felt, was gone,- no need for the first comma here.
of clothing to the kid's bedrooms- in this instance it would be kids' as it's referring to more than one of them.
Wtatch out for your adverb usage. Whilst it is by no means excessive, you tend to group them together on twos or threes which makes them stand out.
I decided that we would go through a drive-through - maybe use go to here to avoid the repetition of through.
A lot of the description is also repetitive in regard to feelings and suchlike - hair standing on end / chills on spine and so on. Maybe try to change some of this up.
In the dimly lit hallway, I could make out / another in the dimly lit hallway. - repetitive phrasing close together.
I was starting to feel light headed - lightheaded could be a single word here.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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Hi there,
There's a real good story inside of this. I think with a little more judicial editing (taking out some repetition and streamlining other parts) you could have a very powerful one. It's a little long and some of the detailing could be significantly trimmed. This comes in at just shy of 5000 words, which is within limits but is a little long.
A few things I noted as I read-
As I sat outside with my family, a few minutes later. I laughed at myself for being so ridiculous- I think it should be a comma following after rather than a full stop / period.
It's hard to get away from in a first person narrative but many of your sentences do start with 'I'. Maybe go through and try to vary some more of them structurally.
I quickly opened my eyes / without closing my eyes / out of the corner of my eye / would catch my eye - be careful of these little pockets of repetition. These all come very close together.
the girls play with their Barbie's,- this is just a plural so no apostrophe is necessary.
stood there, scared to death / shaken and scared to death. - again watch out for repetitive phrasing (you use this phrase later on as well).
Whatever I had felt, was gone,- no need for the first comma here.
of clothing to the kid's bedrooms- in this instance it would be kids' as it's referring to more than one of them.
Wtatch out for your adverb usage. Whilst it is by no means excessive, you tend to group them together on twos or threes which makes them stand out.
I decided that we would go through a drive-through - maybe use go to here to avoid the repetition of through.
A lot of the description is also repetitive in regard to feelings and suchlike - hair standing on end / chills on spine and so on. Maybe try to change some of this up.
In the dimly lit hallway, I could make out / another in the dimly lit hallway. - repetitive phrasing close together.
I was starting to feel light headed - lightheaded could be a single word here.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 11-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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Thank you for the very thorough review. A appreciate your time...
Bunny
Comment from Loredana
What a story! Intense and definitely scary. My grandma and aunt used to read tarots and had stories to tell. I never asked them to read the cards to me and they never offered. Your story was really good. One comment, in paragraph 10 line one, it should be 'Barbies' and not 'Barbie's'. The second one is a possessive.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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What a story! Intense and definitely scary. My grandma and aunt used to read tarots and had stories to tell. I never asked them to read the cards to me and they never offered. Your story was really good. One comment, in paragraph 10 line one, it should be 'Barbies' and not 'Barbie's'. The second one is a possessive.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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Thanks so much for the kind review and the correction. I sure appreciate it.
Bunny
Comment from beizanten
An interesting and intriguing first paragraph. You easily capture my intention. Interesting and engaging plotline. You describe the situation well. you have done great keep up the great work
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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An interesting and intriguing first paragraph. You easily capture my intention. Interesting and engaging plotline. You describe the situation well. you have done great keep up the great work
Comment Written 11-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2018
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Thank you so much!! I sure appreciate your kind words.
Bunny
