Human Target
Not the one you'd expect...8 total reviews
Comment from Mrs. KT
Oh, Yvette,
I so did NOT want this story to end the way that it ended! GAWD! I wanted Collette to be "swept off her feet" by a genuinely "good guy." But, I began to have my suspicions - with "Suddenly feeling dizzy." And I thought: Date rape. But Human Trafficking as well! And the truly sad thing is: this is a reality for many young people in our country.
Timely. Well-paced. Socially significant.
Kudos!
diane
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2018
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Oh, Yvette,
I so did NOT want this story to end the way that it ended! GAWD! I wanted Collette to be "swept off her feet" by a genuinely "good guy." But, I began to have my suspicions - with "Suddenly feeling dizzy." And I thought: Date rape. But Human Trafficking as well! And the truly sad thing is: this is a reality for many young people in our country.
Timely. Well-paced. Socially significant.
Kudos!
diane
Comment Written 09-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2018
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Thank you for stopping by, Diane -- I wrote this for a prompt contest earlier in the week when I really just needed to shut out 'reality' for a while ..... I'm sure you know how that goes! :) The word 'kidnapped' has always triggered a very sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of even the possibility of losing one of my precious boys so, the prompt automatically pushed my mind to "sending them off" to college. :) ;) Then, once I was about halfway through it, I decided to use it to highlight some alarming yet very real statistics -- I'm really glad you found it interesting....your comments certainly got my weekend off on the right foot! ;) ;) Thanx for stopping in and you have a great weekend up there!! :) ;)
Comment from meeshu
this is an intense and frightening story. written with so much suspense and tension. this is such a huge problem that I have seen first hand. of course you don't "see" it, but you can feel it. I'm talking about Salinas, CA. the scariest place I've ever been. your are such a talent and your sensibilities are so well placed. enjoy your weekend, Yvette....................meeshu
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2018
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this is an intense and frightening story. written with so much suspense and tension. this is such a huge problem that I have seen first hand. of course you don't "see" it, but you can feel it. I'm talking about Salinas, CA. the scariest place I've ever been. your are such a talent and your sensibilities are so well placed. enjoy your weekend, Yvette....................meeshu
Comment Written 09-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2018
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Wow -- I didn't realize this was still 'active' .... or have you been in my closet? LOL!! :) ;) Thank you for these wonderful stars, Gary -- I wrote this for a prompt contest earlier in the week when I really just needed to shut out 'reality' for a while ..... I'm sure you know how that goes! :) The word 'kidnapped' has always triggered a very sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of even the possibility of losing one of my precious boys so, the prompt automatically pushed my mind to "sending them off" to college. :) ;) California is a different world, I know, used to travel there nearly every week for two years on business back in the early nineties so, I guess I don't want to even know what it's like now. :) ;) Thanx again for reading and you and Cyndy (and Hermie!!) have a great weekend! :)
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I hadn't seen any of yours for awhile so I rummaged. good thing I did, I would have missed this. I don't even remember the contest. (BIG Congrats). nobody tells me anything. great piece, Yvette.
Comment from ChibiElf
Thank you for shedding some light on a very serious subject. I was aware of the horrible existence of human trafficking but was not aware it was happening in this country. Girls are warned about plenty of things to look out for at a party, but not that. We live in a very scary world.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2018
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Thank you for shedding some light on a very serious subject. I was aware of the horrible existence of human trafficking but was not aware it was happening in this country. Girls are warned about plenty of things to look out for at a party, but not that. We live in a very scary world.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2018
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Thanx for dropping by for the read and review, ChibiElf -- always appreciate your input! :) ;) As a mom, the word 'kidnapped' has always triggered a very sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of even the possibility of losing one of my precious boys so, the prompt automatically pushed my mind to "sending them off" to college. :) ;) Was a good way to highlight some real statistics, too. Thanx again for reading and have a great week ahead! :)
Comment from R. Phillips
This was a great story! Terrifyingly real concept and wow did you bring me to the edge of my seat.
The only feedback I have is maybe a little more show, and less tell. I know the constraints of this prompt were hard because of the sheer scope of a kidnapping story does not jive well with a 500 word limit so every word has to count. Instead of telling us how they primp and proper at the beginning jump right into it and then cycle back if you have time/word count.
Things really took off for me at "Having their purses searched..." and then you brought it home they are two small town girls. If you want my advice, for what little a stranger's two cents count for, start there. Don't warm me up slow as the reader, hit me. Hit me fast and don't let me out of the corner until you've thrown that knockout punch.
Show us how nervous Colette is. I see her. We've all seen her. She's the 'friend'. The "hold my hand and don't you dare leave me" friend. Or the "I'm accidentally stuffing my face, oh shit, here comes a cute guy and my mouth is full of bacon-wrapped scallops" friend. Show us those things. Make her vulnerable then bring that creepy, rich boy kidnapper in.
Interesting that I assume he is rich, right? The devil's (literally and figuratively in this story) is in the details - his expensive cologne which he has too much of on, he must be well-dressed because Colette immediately feels comfortable with him. Maybe I completely misread and that fault lies with me but that's where my mind runs.
Great story regardless though! I appreciate a writer who can get in there, give me a character to care about and then leave me wanting more! Boom, goes the proverbial dynamite!
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2018
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This was a great story! Terrifyingly real concept and wow did you bring me to the edge of my seat.
The only feedback I have is maybe a little more show, and less tell. I know the constraints of this prompt were hard because of the sheer scope of a kidnapping story does not jive well with a 500 word limit so every word has to count. Instead of telling us how they primp and proper at the beginning jump right into it and then cycle back if you have time/word count.
Things really took off for me at "Having their purses searched..." and then you brought it home they are two small town girls. If you want my advice, for what little a stranger's two cents count for, start there. Don't warm me up slow as the reader, hit me. Hit me fast and don't let me out of the corner until you've thrown that knockout punch.
Show us how nervous Colette is. I see her. We've all seen her. She's the 'friend'. The "hold my hand and don't you dare leave me" friend. Or the "I'm accidentally stuffing my face, oh shit, here comes a cute guy and my mouth is full of bacon-wrapped scallops" friend. Show us those things. Make her vulnerable then bring that creepy, rich boy kidnapper in.
Interesting that I assume he is rich, right? The devil's (literally and figuratively in this story) is in the details - his expensive cologne which he has too much of on, he must be well-dressed because Colette immediately feels comfortable with him. Maybe I completely misread and that fault lies with me but that's where my mind runs.
Great story regardless though! I appreciate a writer who can get in there, give me a character to care about and then leave me wanting more! Boom, goes the proverbial dynamite!
Comment Written 05-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2018
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Thanx for the review and the suggestions, R. Phillips - I always appreciate the input from other authors. Be sure to stop by anytime and have a wonderful week ahead! :) ;)
Comment from AngieDee
Thankyou for shining a light on human trafficking. Your story turned an ordinary day into a true nightmare. Unfortunately, that's exactly what it is.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2018
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Thankyou for shining a light on human trafficking. Your story turned an ordinary day into a true nightmare. Unfortunately, that's exactly what it is.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2018
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Thanx for dropping by for the read and review, Angie -- always appreciate your input! :) ;) As a mom, the word 'kidnapped' has always triggered a very sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of even the possibility of losing one of my precious boys so, the prompt automatically pushed my mind to "sending them off" to college. :) ;) Was a good way to highlight some real statistics, too. Thanx again for reading and have a great week ahead! :)
Comment from BeasPeas
This is a good write focusing on human trafficking and how easy it is to victimize young, vulnerable girls. Those who are on the lookout usually find someone like your story character they can snatch. A frightening thing. Well written and frightening. Marilyn
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2018
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This is a good write focusing on human trafficking and how easy it is to victimize young, vulnerable girls. Those who are on the lookout usually find someone like your story character they can snatch. A frightening thing. Well written and frightening. Marilyn
Comment Written 05-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2018
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Thanx for dropping by for the read and review, Marilyn -- always appreciate your input! :) ;) As a mom, the word 'kidnapped' has always triggered a very sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of even the possibility of losing one of my precious boys so, the prompt automatically pushed my mind to "sending them off" to college. :) ;) Was a good way to highlight some real statistics, too. Thanx again for reading and have a great week ahead! :)
Comment from country ranch writer
Parties are a good place to come up missing because the girls want so much to fit in they become bait for the guys who want to sell them off to the waiting thieves.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2018
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Parties are a good place to come up missing because the girls want so much to fit in they become bait for the guys who want to sell them off to the waiting thieves.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2018
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Thanx for dropping by for the read and review, Country Ranch -- always appreciate your input! :) ;) As a mom, the word 'kidnapped' has always triggered a very sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think of even the possibility of losing one of my precious boys so, the prompt automatically pushed my mind to "sending them off" to college. :) ;) Was a good way to highlight some real statistics, too. Thanx again for reading and have a great week ahead! :)
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smiles
Comment from tfawcus
What a sickening scenario - all the more so, since it is dawn from real life statistics. So easy to fool people who yearn to be flattered. You have a natural writing style that makes this very easy to read and believe.
Just one small thing to fix for the contest.
One of them gave attractive (the) guy a large stack of bills.
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2018
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What a sickening scenario - all the more so, since it is dawn from real life statistics. So easy to fool people who yearn to be flattered. You have a natural writing style that makes this very easy to read and believe.
Just one small thing to fix for the contest.
One of them gave attractive (the) guy a large stack of bills.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2018
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Thanx so much for dropping by, Tony -- always much appreciated! :) ;) I went in and put single quotes around 'attractive guy' because it's actually an identification that I left as an anonymous tag on purpose, but, you were right to point out that it needed something there. Thanx for the heads-up! :) :) Take care and have a great week ahead! :)
