Luckily I Ducked
A woman scorned will get angry7 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
This was a funny accounting for a flying penis in a story. I thought the set up and delivery of the tale was on the order of a plausible farce, but readable and well written.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2018
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This was a funny accounting for a flying penis in a story. I thought the set up and delivery of the tale was on the order of a plausible farce, but readable and well written.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2018
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Thank you so much for the read and the encouraging review.
Comment from zeezeewriter
Very clever take on the topic. A few things you can fix with editing, but I'm more into story line and engagement. You kept me engaged. You were very detailed in describing the creation of the penis. I'm impressed. Lol. I loved the reference to Southern Illinois University and University of Wisconsin. I grew up 45 miles from Carbondale and lived for a short while in Wisconsin. I feel as if I should know you. (Just kidding.)
Some things that stick out at me: "I excitedly drove"... is telling versus showing. "The dreaded day arrived...." the reader realizes the protagonist is not looking forward to the day. The word dreaded is not necessary.
But, what do I know. Just my opinion, I could be wrong.
Regardless, your story is super clever and kept me reading until the end. Great Job.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
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Very clever take on the topic. A few things you can fix with editing, but I'm more into story line and engagement. You kept me engaged. You were very detailed in describing the creation of the penis. I'm impressed. Lol. I loved the reference to Southern Illinois University and University of Wisconsin. I grew up 45 miles from Carbondale and lived for a short while in Wisconsin. I feel as if I should know you. (Just kidding.)
Some things that stick out at me: "I excitedly drove"... is telling versus showing. "The dreaded day arrived...." the reader realizes the protagonist is not looking forward to the day. The word dreaded is not necessary.
But, what do I know. Just my opinion, I could be wrong.
Regardless, your story is super clever and kept me reading until the end. Great Job.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
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Thanks for the read and the suggestion. I don't know what I was thinking it should have been I couldn't shake the jitters as I drove or some such construction. I will edit. PS: I still have the broken lamp...maybe
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You did a good job with fun and ridiculous prompt. A nicely fashioned 'piece'.
few things I noted as I read through-
Should it read angry rather than angy in your description line?
going steady since eight grade - eighth?
The Irish temper thing always puzzles me as I have always found the Irish to be incredibly laid back and amenable. Not a big fan of racial stereotyping.
Since I was ten years old he let me help with projects - I think it should maybe be he'd. As it's written it can be read as if the protagonist is ten years old...
I stained the penis, balls and platform.- I'm really hoping the 'staining' was of the wood variety rather than a more... personal touch...
they dried, I proceed to I threaded the lamp - proceeded to preserve the tense.
"My, my," she giggled, "You think well of yourself, don't you?" - technically the dialogue following the tag should start lower case.
I grudging made my way up the stairs to her second - grudgingly.
Nice job and best of luck to you
GMG
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2018
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Hi there,
You did a good job with fun and ridiculous prompt. A nicely fashioned 'piece'.
few things I noted as I read through-
Should it read angry rather than angy in your description line?
going steady since eight grade - eighth?
The Irish temper thing always puzzles me as I have always found the Irish to be incredibly laid back and amenable. Not a big fan of racial stereotyping.
Since I was ten years old he let me help with projects - I think it should maybe be he'd. As it's written it can be read as if the protagonist is ten years old...
I stained the penis, balls and platform.- I'm really hoping the 'staining' was of the wood variety rather than a more... personal touch...
they dried, I proceed to I threaded the lamp - proceeded to preserve the tense.
"My, my," she giggled, "You think well of yourself, don't you?" - technically the dialogue following the tag should start lower case.
I grudging made my way up the stairs to her second - grudgingly.
Nice job and best of luck to you
GMG
Comment Written 25-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2018
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Hey, thanks so much for the close read and the suggestions, I have edited the piece as suggested. Much appreciated.
Comment from cupa tea
Good story...
"What is it?" she said coyly giving a toss of her ginger hair.
She asked, coyly as she tossed her ginger hair behind her back.
I see how you penis flies...chuckles
I saw a flying penis, looking much like a rocket ship, streaking toward me. I ducked, it whizzed by my ear, and crashed against the dorm room door shattering the bulb.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2018
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Good story...
"What is it?" she said coyly giving a toss of her ginger hair.
She asked, coyly as she tossed her ginger hair behind her back.
I see how you penis flies...chuckles
I saw a flying penis, looking much like a rocket ship, streaking toward me. I ducked, it whizzed by my ear, and crashed against the dorm room door shattering the bulb.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2018
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Thanks so much for the read and your review. I appreciate your corrections.
Comment from Deb Kincaid
Clever. It seems you must truly know a little bit about woodworking--maybe not so much about redheads. (smile) I thought it was well written, the pace was right on, the plot itself was okay. I do think your characters were pretty much stereotypical; they need more individuality. Good writing skills that actually seem to lend themselves more to private eye-type genre. This was cute, though.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2018
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Clever. It seems you must truly know a little bit about woodworking--maybe not so much about redheads. (smile) I thought it was well written, the pace was right on, the plot itself was okay. I do think your characters were pretty much stereotypical; they need more individuality. Good writing skills that actually seem to lend themselves more to private eye-type genre. This was cute, though.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2018
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Thanks for the read and your thoughts.
Comment from Terry Kay
This story is so well written and creative. I enjoyed the whole read. It was funny and witty. I'm glad I decided to start reading from the bottom! Good luck to you...
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2018
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This story is so well written and creative. I enjoyed the whole read. It was funny and witty. I'm glad I decided to start reading from the bottom! Good luck to you...
Comment Written 24-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. Your kind words are much appreciated.
Comment from country ranch writer
Well can't say as I blame her for tossing you out on your penis so to speak so now one must move on to the next relationship in ones life hoping you don't get kicked in the balls this time around.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2018
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Well can't say as I blame her for tossing you out on your penis so to speak so now one must move on to the next relationship in ones life hoping you don't get kicked in the balls this time around.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2018
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Yeah, my sentiments exactly. Thanks for the read and the comments.
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Lol
