Lost in Narnia
Winter Returns7 total reviews
Comment from C. Gale Burnett
I very well-written piece of work. Excellent flow. Great interaction between characters. The scene delivery pulled you in. Great imagination. I became anxious to see how it all was going to end.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2018
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I very well-written piece of work. Excellent flow. Great interaction between characters. The scene delivery pulled you in. Great imagination. I became anxious to see how it all was going to end.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2018
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Thank you for the wonderful feedback. I appreciate your thoughts on my story and am happy you enjoyed it. I enjoyed writing it as well.
Tirzah
Comment from Liz O'Neill
this is clearly the best in this contest. You have set the characters perfectly, You have also included such life-like details, especially about drinking the coffee. The reader can experience visceral repulsiveness for the coffee. The reader might even find themselves remember the face and shuddering they've done attempting to drink bitter, overcooked, sat too long, Starbucks, where it can taste like they burned the beans first. You have developed many ways the reader is drawn in here. First of all, those who have read about Narnia, will especially enjoy this. It is clever how you actually wrote another episode of the Tales and combined it with another fairy tale. There is so much more I could say. I wanted to give you six stars but alas it will not allow me to.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2018
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this is clearly the best in this contest. You have set the characters perfectly, You have also included such life-like details, especially about drinking the coffee. The reader can experience visceral repulsiveness for the coffee. The reader might even find themselves remember the face and shuddering they've done attempting to drink bitter, overcooked, sat too long, Starbucks, where it can taste like they burned the beans first. You have developed many ways the reader is drawn in here. First of all, those who have read about Narnia, will especially enjoy this. It is clever how you actually wrote another episode of the Tales and combined it with another fairy tale. There is so much more I could say. I wanted to give you six stars but alas it will not allow me to.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2018
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Thank you! I appreciate the feedback and am glad you enjoyed the story. I enjoyed writing it as well.
Tirzah
Comment from Rontreharne
The wondering through Narnia parts of this story are really great and flow very nicely.
I enjoyed the references to Alice in Wonderland and Peter Pan.
The going through the wardrobe was also done very well.
Keep it up.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2018
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The wondering through Narnia parts of this story are really great and flow very nicely.
I enjoyed the references to Alice in Wonderland and Peter Pan.
The going through the wardrobe was also done very well.
Keep it up.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2018
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Thank you! I appreciate your feedback - it was fun trying to weave those fun stories into the main storyline.
It needs work but it is a good start!
Tirzah
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I think you'll struggle to get much in depth reviews of this piece down to its length sadly. It'll probably be the usually couple of lines of fluffiness.
Watch out for the exclamation mark. If you use it for relatively minor things, it doesn't leave anywhere else to go for a big thing. Too many or inconsequential ones simply dilute their impact.
Geez, it's really coming down out there. She noticed while peering out of the window. - the second sentence here is redundant.
Are Lucy & Susan not supposed to be sisters?
Lucy asked as she gleamed at her friend. - gleamed? she shone brightly/reflected light at her friend...
... "Ummm... let's see?? Ko - no need for the ellipsis at the start. Also, the double punctuation is unnecessary.
"Hmmm???" - again the punctuation is unnecessary and distracting.
I will make the coffee and set up the table for our coffee. - you could just say 'set the table' to avoid the repetition.
"I found some bread, butter, and cucumbers." Laughed Lucy. - if this is a speech tag, then it should be lower case, although it would be a pretty awful one. If not, then switch the order around.
When they were searching the cupboards in the kitchen it made me wonder whose house they were in. It isn't stated but given that Lucy, was a friend and entered looking for Susan, one would assume it's Susan's house, but she would have been more familiar with the kitchen surely?
"It sounded like a cough." She said as she turned her head to listen intently - she said. Following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or name. ideally the dialogue would end with a comma rather than a full stop.
Watch your speech tags. Emotive speech tags can be tricky and detract from what is actually said. Also, make sure they work, Things like shrugged / glared and laughed aren't really tags.
to a beautifully set table with the fancy dishware complete with fancy coffee - earlier Susan says they're not using any fancy dishware.
It is very repetitive, especially during the first quarter, with the constant references of turkey delight, fancy coffee and so on. the reader gets this and should be trusted to remember it.
Using marks to emphasise certain words is a practice that is going out of fashion. If you are going to do it though, it may be best to use the single marks to differentiate further from dialogue.
Lucy appeared as though she was going to cry. Her eyes welled up with tears - this basically means the same thing.
a tall figure peaked around the corner assessing - in this instance it would be peeked.
Watch out for your adverb usage. You seem to rely on them quite a bit. Well-placed ones are very effectively when used sparingly.
Lucy opened her eyes, groggily she looked around the darkened room and seeing a tall mannish shape. She immediately panicked with her eyes as big as saucers, yelling, "Who are you?" - this should probably all be one sentence. As it is the first sentence doesn't really go anywhere.
Tis' I, Mr. Tumnus, do you not remember - should be 'Tis as it is the initial I which has been abbreviated/dropped.
he said, lightly pleading with her. "We have met before in Narnia." - in the opening paragraph it states that the storm was moving across Narnia giving the impression they are already in Narnia.
You could sense a cool breeze on your face. The smell of the air was damp and fresh. It hurt your lungs if you inhaled too deeply - it may be better not to use the second person narrative device here of 'you' and keep it as purely descriptive.
The segue into Peter Pan and Alice only cements the idea of it all being dream/hallucination and telegraphing the end.
hoping we wouldn't come across this." He said, shaking his head. - he.
"Why? What is the problem? asked Lucy. - need closing speech marks here following the ?
"Oh, that is where he is hiding today. Hmmm... I believe he is their supplier of this ... "medicinal herb." - you need another set of speech marks at the very end as the ones there only close off the quote rather than the dialogue.
They climbed upward until, they viewed the last set of stairs - unnecessary comma here.
Parts of this were fun, with good levels of description but it does need another proofing and editing.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Hi there,
I think you'll struggle to get much in depth reviews of this piece down to its length sadly. It'll probably be the usually couple of lines of fluffiness.
Watch out for the exclamation mark. If you use it for relatively minor things, it doesn't leave anywhere else to go for a big thing. Too many or inconsequential ones simply dilute their impact.
Geez, it's really coming down out there. She noticed while peering out of the window. - the second sentence here is redundant.
Are Lucy & Susan not supposed to be sisters?
Lucy asked as she gleamed at her friend. - gleamed? she shone brightly/reflected light at her friend...
... "Ummm... let's see?? Ko - no need for the ellipsis at the start. Also, the double punctuation is unnecessary.
"Hmmm???" - again the punctuation is unnecessary and distracting.
I will make the coffee and set up the table for our coffee. - you could just say 'set the table' to avoid the repetition.
"I found some bread, butter, and cucumbers." Laughed Lucy. - if this is a speech tag, then it should be lower case, although it would be a pretty awful one. If not, then switch the order around.
When they were searching the cupboards in the kitchen it made me wonder whose house they were in. It isn't stated but given that Lucy, was a friend and entered looking for Susan, one would assume it's Susan's house, but she would have been more familiar with the kitchen surely?
"It sounded like a cough." She said as she turned her head to listen intently - she said. Following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or name. ideally the dialogue would end with a comma rather than a full stop.
Watch your speech tags. Emotive speech tags can be tricky and detract from what is actually said. Also, make sure they work, Things like shrugged / glared and laughed aren't really tags.
to a beautifully set table with the fancy dishware complete with fancy coffee - earlier Susan says they're not using any fancy dishware.
It is very repetitive, especially during the first quarter, with the constant references of turkey delight, fancy coffee and so on. the reader gets this and should be trusted to remember it.
Using marks to emphasise certain words is a practice that is going out of fashion. If you are going to do it though, it may be best to use the single marks to differentiate further from dialogue.
Lucy appeared as though she was going to cry. Her eyes welled up with tears - this basically means the same thing.
a tall figure peaked around the corner assessing - in this instance it would be peeked.
Watch out for your adverb usage. You seem to rely on them quite a bit. Well-placed ones are very effectively when used sparingly.
Lucy opened her eyes, groggily she looked around the darkened room and seeing a tall mannish shape. She immediately panicked with her eyes as big as saucers, yelling, "Who are you?" - this should probably all be one sentence. As it is the first sentence doesn't really go anywhere.
Tis' I, Mr. Tumnus, do you not remember - should be 'Tis as it is the initial I which has been abbreviated/dropped.
he said, lightly pleading with her. "We have met before in Narnia." - in the opening paragraph it states that the storm was moving across Narnia giving the impression they are already in Narnia.
You could sense a cool breeze on your face. The smell of the air was damp and fresh. It hurt your lungs if you inhaled too deeply - it may be better not to use the second person narrative device here of 'you' and keep it as purely descriptive.
The segue into Peter Pan and Alice only cements the idea of it all being dream/hallucination and telegraphing the end.
hoping we wouldn't come across this." He said, shaking his head. - he.
"Why? What is the problem? asked Lucy. - need closing speech marks here following the ?
"Oh, that is where he is hiding today. Hmmm... I believe he is their supplier of this ... "medicinal herb." - you need another set of speech marks at the very end as the ones there only close off the quote rather than the dialogue.
They climbed upward until, they viewed the last set of stairs - unnecessary comma here.
Parts of this were fun, with good levels of description but it does need another proofing and editing.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 26-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2018
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Thank you! I appreciate a decent critique with well meaning intention. I absolutely hate editing. It is a beast I must conquer! My initial question for myself, is do I even have skill enough to push myself further? I am trying to hit contests just to challenge myself. However, no one is honest in a well-intending manner. What you see is pretty much my first draft. I may go through and fix a word or phrase, here and there. As far as the editing and proofing side, yeah, not my friend. So, I do appreciate your thoughts definitely.
Tirzah
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Oh, it's a chore all right, but to be honest, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. lol
I also find that reviewing can help enormously in this respect. The more reviewing you do, not just to pick up funny money, but using a more detached eye can greatly inform your own work.
the great thing though is that the technicalities and proofing can be taught and learned - telling a story though, that's something innate I believe. So putting in the extra little effort on the technical aspect can be very worth it.
All the best
GMG
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Vielen Dank! :)
Tirzah
Comment from prettybluebirds
Well, this is certainly an interesting and different story. I will make sure I know what kind of coffee I'm drinking from now on. I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2018
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Well, this is certainly an interesting and different story. I will make sure I know what kind of coffee I'm drinking from now on. I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2018
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Thank you! My mind can go abstract sometimes - never quite certain if folks come along with me though! :)
Tirzah
Comment from Dawnya
A mixture of elements and characters from different classic children's books that presents as a stroll down memory lane. The fact that it is a dream induced by some peculiar coffee adds an extra layer of fantasy. A well-told Narnian inspired story.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2018
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A mixture of elements and characters from different classic children's books that presents as a stroll down memory lane. The fact that it is a dream induced by some peculiar coffee adds an extra layer of fantasy. A well-told Narnian inspired story.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2018
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Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate your feedback. It was fun to write. I am glad you enjoyed the story.
Tirzah
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Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate your feedback. It was fun to write. I am glad you enjoyed the story.
Tirzah
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello Anon, this is nice writing for the Narnia contest. Best of luck with your entry, which was entertaining, and I loved the Narnia series, read them as a child and had them read to me, also. So this was great and this competition should produce some excellent stories, but of course, this is very funny at times and original as it is very different to have a modern take, but I did enjoy that aspect once I got into it.
I noticed no errors and the writing and storyline held my attention because it was so very different.
Cheers, and thanks for sharing your writing, Anastasia.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2018
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Hello Anon, this is nice writing for the Narnia contest. Best of luck with your entry, which was entertaining, and I loved the Narnia series, read them as a child and had them read to me, also. So this was great and this competition should produce some excellent stories, but of course, this is very funny at times and original as it is very different to have a modern take, but I did enjoy that aspect once I got into it.
I noticed no errors and the writing and storyline held my attention because it was so very different.
Cheers, and thanks for sharing your writing, Anastasia.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2018
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Thank you! I appreciate the feedback. It was fun to write. I often have a different take on situations and tend to focus more so on the story rather than the technical aspect.
Tirzah