Free Verse Collection 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Forever at Sail"selections for seal submission
9 total reviews
Comment from poesyapprentice
Very nice. The best I have read so far, and perhaps a winner. This kind mistress...and I go is one of my favorite parts, although I'm not sure the "..." is needed, as the following line describes that mistress. I like the space in "do I drift?", the lack of caps throughout, the beginning, and the end. Lol, all of it actually. Very nice, indeed. Thanks for promoting and best of luck!
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2018
  |
Very nice. The best I have read so far, and perhaps a winner. This kind mistress...and I go is one of my favorite parts, although I'm not sure the "..." is needed, as the following line describes that mistress. I like the space in "do I drift?", the lack of caps throughout, the beginning, and the end. Lol, all of it actually. Very nice, indeed. Thanks for promoting and best of luck!
Comment Written 13-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 13-Oct-2018
-
Ahh ... thanks so much. I'm pleased you enjoyed and especially the items you pointed out. I'll cross my fingers. Lots of exceptional entries. :))
Comment from rama devi
WOW! I love this. It's one of your BEST. Superb extended metaphor, imagery, phrasing flow, phonetics, POV, tone, dramatic formatting and memorable one-liners. Love how it expands past the philosophical horizon and delivers multiple AHS. Tight and almost-polished. Just a few suggestions....plus tons of praises...
NOTES:
Free of my moorings! - what a great opening! Sets the tone and tenor.
this old barnacle-jeweled bedazzler
Superb descriptive line and finely alliterated!
Nostalgic, haunting and impressive lines with excellent personification:
once ghosting the mist
silent of tales
as even the moon ignored me
in favour of star reflections
in phantom dance
Love how the vocab and voicing match the imagery and scene - plus...fantastic phonetics in phrasing here:
unworthy of a roaring scuttle
perhaps a ghostly rumour
or two
a shimmer 'neath the wave
to spark a yarn
an amusing briny teaser
to please a crowd imbibed
Well voiced...and love 'gnarly knots' alliteration effect:
long have I strained against
these gnarly knots--
monkey fist, rolling hitch
the slippery eight loop
*spag suggestion:
I suppose they tired of tying(--)
thought me tamed
or of no consequence
unseaworthy ...
Another option would be to use a line break for a pause instead of a dash. Elsewhere in the poem, the en jam bment works fine without end-line punctuation.
Good use of spacing for dramatic pause effect:
the ropes frayed
and snapped
AWESOME LINES:
no one noticed
until the horizon
became my canvas
perhaps too tasking for them
perhaps no matter in any case
Love this witty formatting:
do I drift?
"not a worthy endeavor to enjoin ..."
*spag:
so,(no ,) you might say
Good voicing:
for such is your view
from the shore
where I leave you wondering
Good continued personification and fine alliteration of A:
this kind mistress ...
asks no questions,
and answers none
she takes me
and I go
I suggest trimming out the comma after questions, in alignment with your minimal end-line punctuation style. It is not mandatory.
POTENT AND MEMORABLE PHRASE:
will is a foolish thing
when it matters not
OUTSTANDING:
the tide is the tide
ancient
as you considered me
so long I remained tethered
measuring time
pondering time
fretting time
when time cannot be measured
Well voiced--and I love how this poem waxes philosophical:
time occurs in moments
this moment
moments past
and ones to come
they have no span
DRAMATIC:
riding a tsunami
sails unfurled
cast to the sky in flight
into the heart of the milky way
sailing on, ever on
LOVE THE EXPANSION HERE:
a nova's blast
whisking me through
galaxies unknown
sails aflame, unburning
OUTSTANDING CLOSING NOTE:
and moments to come
moments beyond thought
never again safely moored
forever at sail ...
This should be included in a book...
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
 |
WOW! I love this. It's one of your BEST. Superb extended metaphor, imagery, phrasing flow, phonetics, POV, tone, dramatic formatting and memorable one-liners. Love how it expands past the philosophical horizon and delivers multiple AHS. Tight and almost-polished. Just a few suggestions....plus tons of praises...
NOTES:
Free of my moorings! - what a great opening! Sets the tone and tenor.
this old barnacle-jeweled bedazzler
Superb descriptive line and finely alliterated!
Nostalgic, haunting and impressive lines with excellent personification:
once ghosting the mist
silent of tales
as even the moon ignored me
in favour of star reflections
in phantom dance
Love how the vocab and voicing match the imagery and scene - plus...fantastic phonetics in phrasing here:
unworthy of a roaring scuttle
perhaps a ghostly rumour
or two
a shimmer 'neath the wave
to spark a yarn
an amusing briny teaser
to please a crowd imbibed
Well voiced...and love 'gnarly knots' alliteration effect:
long have I strained against
these gnarly knots--
monkey fist, rolling hitch
the slippery eight loop
*spag suggestion:
I suppose they tired of tying(--)
thought me tamed
or of no consequence
unseaworthy ...
Another option would be to use a line break for a pause instead of a dash. Elsewhere in the poem, the en jam bment works fine without end-line punctuation.
Good use of spacing for dramatic pause effect:
the ropes frayed
and snapped
AWESOME LINES:
no one noticed
until the horizon
became my canvas
perhaps too tasking for them
perhaps no matter in any case
Love this witty formatting:
do I drift?
"not a worthy endeavor to enjoin ..."
*spag:
so,(no ,) you might say
Good voicing:
for such is your view
from the shore
where I leave you wondering
Good continued personification and fine alliteration of A:
this kind mistress ...
asks no questions,
and answers none
she takes me
and I go
I suggest trimming out the comma after questions, in alignment with your minimal end-line punctuation style. It is not mandatory.
POTENT AND MEMORABLE PHRASE:
will is a foolish thing
when it matters not
OUTSTANDING:
the tide is the tide
ancient
as you considered me
so long I remained tethered
measuring time
pondering time
fretting time
when time cannot be measured
Well voiced--and I love how this poem waxes philosophical:
time occurs in moments
this moment
moments past
and ones to come
they have no span
DRAMATIC:
riding a tsunami
sails unfurled
cast to the sky in flight
into the heart of the milky way
sailing on, ever on
LOVE THE EXPANSION HERE:
a nova's blast
whisking me through
galaxies unknown
sails aflame, unburning
OUTSTANDING CLOSING NOTE:
and moments to come
moments beyond thought
never again safely moored
forever at sail ...
This should be included in a book...
Love,
rd
Comment Written 12-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
-
Wow. I'm stunned by this wonderful praise. But more so that everything I hoped to convey came through to at least one person in the world. I can't tell you how happy this makes me. I feel like a writer and I feel like I've written something. I'll make the changes you suggested and learn from them. (I hope, I try ... smile) You have helped me improve as a writer more than I dreamed possible, and helped many, many others as well. That is a wonderful thing, wonderful. Thanks so much. :))
-
Thanks for your super gracious response, my friend. I'm deeply pleased to see how far you've come since my first encounters with your work years back. You're a Fanstory success story, in my opinion, and your writing voice, unique and creative, is now polished, mature and ready for publication. I urge you to compile a book...(and you can have discount rates on proofing and critique for the book, if you want them).
Lots of Love,
rd
-
It's on my "to do" list, and I'd never use anyone but you to help. :))
-
:-))) Shucks! (*bushing*!) Looking forward to that. Thanks. :)
-
PS - I do think your writing is ready. Why not also submit for a seal of quality?
-
I'll see if I can actually select a decent collection. That's my downfall. LOL It's difficult for me to be objective with MY work. :))
-
I can help you with that, as I am gifted in it (having helped a few clients). But it is time consuming, as I have to read all the poems multiple times to decide and also put in order. It would be a heavier fee scale. But I can do it well!
-
PS I allow trusted friends like you to pay in small installments over time, if required, with a small down payment to start. If and when ready, let's discuss further in email (you have mine, I'm sure...)
-
Okay. Let me give it some more thought. Then we'll see what kind of budget is needed etc. I need to get some kind of focus in mind I suppose. All free verse? How many poems? Things like that to mull over. It's funny, I could do it for someone else rather well. I have no sense when it comes to my own work. LOL
-
Yes. I'll contact you soon then. :))
Comment from meeshu
this is really excellent writing fantastic language and fanciful message. I read this as a ghost ship untethered and unnoticed. drifting where a ghost might drift..
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
|
this is really excellent writing fantastic language and fanciful message. I read this as a ghost ship untethered and unnoticed. drifting where a ghost might drift..
Comment Written 12-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
-
Yes, it is that indeed. Or it might inspire one tethered themselves to venture out likewise. I'm so pleased you enjoyed. I enjoyed writing this quite a bit. Thanks a million. :))
Comment from Gloria ....
Oh how this ghost ship is a joy to read about. A tad irked yanking on her taglines to get free, and finally the horizon becomes her canvas. Yessss, but the unadulterated fact is, the tide is the tide.
Well some smart ships just have the right answer, take off into the stars.
Great job author and I wish you much luck in the contest.
Gloria
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
|
Oh how this ghost ship is a joy to read about. A tad irked yanking on her taglines to get free, and finally the horizon becomes her canvas. Yessss, but the unadulterated fact is, the tide is the tide.
Well some smart ships just have the right answer, take off into the stars.
Great job author and I wish you much luck in the contest.
Gloria
Comment Written 12-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
-
Thanks so much, Gloria. You have it, yes! I couldn't resist and I jumped on board. Looked like a cool ride. So pleased you enjoyed this one. :))
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This speaks so colourfully and beautifully the passion and enterprises about adventure sailing and experience; well said, well done. Keep Writing -- DR ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
|
This speaks so colourfully and beautifully the passion and enterprises about adventure sailing and experience; well said, well done. Keep Writing -- DR ALCREATOR
Comment Written 11-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
-
Thank you, Alcreator. Pleased you enjoyed. :))
Comment from BOO ghost
BOO loves a sea tale. Guess it is the sailor in me. Lots of groups of words I like. 'Once ghosting the mist,' for example. 'Forever at sail.' That could mean different things to different people. Could mean giving up the ghost and and setting sails and jiggers for that final journey, sailing in the doldrums in that mystical heaven. The final journey. A novas blast, when a star goes Supernova, the explosion creates supernatural entities. Is a lot to comprehend here. Fantastic and mind-warping creative. Wish I had six stars left. Presentation looks spectacular. I knew that you wrote this before I looked at your name. We each have a special gift to give and an unique signature. Good one!
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
|
BOO loves a sea tale. Guess it is the sailor in me. Lots of groups of words I like. 'Once ghosting the mist,' for example. 'Forever at sail.' That could mean different things to different people. Could mean giving up the ghost and and setting sails and jiggers for that final journey, sailing in the doldrums in that mystical heaven. The final journey. A novas blast, when a star goes Supernova, the explosion creates supernatural entities. Is a lot to comprehend here. Fantastic and mind-warping creative. Wish I had six stars left. Presentation looks spectacular. I knew that you wrote this before I looked at your name. We each have a special gift to give and an unique signature. Good one!
Comment Written 11-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
-
Hey, my friend. I was hoping you'd run across this. I haven't written many REAL poems this year, just little fun contest things. Glad you liked this. Yep, you get the gist. It's supposed to get the brain working. LOL
Thanks a million for the kind words. Mr. Anonymous with the obvious style. HAHAHA!!!!
-
YepMy pleasure, Lion King.
-
I can't seem to figure out what email is yours. I sent you three messages on three different emails. Did you get any of them? LOL If not, say hello on the one that IS your email. :))
-
Okie dokie
Comment from Kay Seed
I like your entry to the "body of water" contest. My favorite word is "unseaworthy." It seems like the voice is from the perspective of a ship. Great word picture. The ship could be a metaphor for a person growing old too. Great job!
-Kay
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
|
I like your entry to the "body of water" contest. My favorite word is "unseaworthy." It seems like the voice is from the perspective of a ship. Great word picture. The ship could be a metaphor for a person growing old too. Great job!
-Kay
Comment Written 11-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
-
Hi, Kay
YES! You're on the money. So glad you enjoyed. I was hoping people would read into it more than just the ship and the sea. It IS the ship talking. YAY! I wasn't sure if anyone would realize it. :)) Thanks a million.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Although your poem speaks of a boat adrift on the ocean, it seems to echo the feelings of a soul adrift in the world....without ties (without anchor or moorings) as it was taken away or freed (knots fraid and loosed) by an overwhelming life (the vastness of the ocean)....it is certainly an intriguing and, dare I say, searching write. Thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest! ;)
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
|
Although your poem speaks of a boat adrift on the ocean, it seems to echo the feelings of a soul adrift in the world....without ties (without anchor or moorings) as it was taken away or freed (knots fraid and loosed) by an overwhelming life (the vastness of the ocean)....it is certainly an intriguing and, dare I say, searching write. Thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest! ;)
Comment Written 11-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
-
Hey, Y.M., I'm so pleased this got your thinking of the underlying meanings as that was my intention. Great insight and encouraging words. Thanks a million. :))
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A scary write and I was on this ocean wave experiencing th fraying and coming adrift . . . Well chosen words and I wish you luck with the contest, a very atmospheric piece, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
|
A scary write and I was on this ocean wave experiencing th fraying and coming adrift . . . Well chosen words and I wish you luck with the contest, a very atmospheric piece, love Dolly x
Comment Written 11-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
-
So pleased you enjoyed, Dolly. I love writing about the sea and sailing ships and the like. And, yes, trying to tie it in to human experiences. Thanks a million. :))