The French Letter
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Giverny"A Novel
32 total reviews
Comment from Gloria ....
Oh boy, Helen is a big tease ending the telling of the story just like that. lol
loved the Citroen spats and machine guns, that adds a fast change of thought process, that is quite delightful.
Really enjoy the garden narrative, the borders of drowsy bees is magnificently inspired.
And now we are leading somewhere important me thinks.
Another fine chapter. :)
Gloria
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
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Oh boy, Helen is a big tease ending the telling of the story just like that. lol
loved the Citroen spats and machine guns, that adds a fast change of thought process, that is quite delightful.
Really enjoy the garden narrative, the borders of drowsy bees is magnificently inspired.
And now we are leading somewhere important me thinks.
Another fine chapter. :)
Gloria
Comment Written 11-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2018
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It's about time they start to make a bit of progress. This is in danger of becoming a romance rather than a mystery!
Comment from ciliverde
I missed this chapter somehow, Nice job here, I did notice one error:
A Babel (babble) of admiring voices surrounded us, interspersed with cameras clicking like the consonants of Kalahari bushmen.
Surprised nobody else mentioned it...
Carol
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
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I missed this chapter somehow, Nice job here, I did notice one error:
A Babel (babble) of admiring voices surrounded us, interspersed with cameras clicking like the consonants of Kalahari bushmen.
Surprised nobody else mentioned it...
Carol
Comment Written 10-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2018
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Hi, Carol. Thanks for the review. 'Babel' was intentional - a reference to the Tower of Babel which appears in the biblical myth in Genesis, explaining why the world's peoples speak different languages. It seemed appropriate, considering how many different languages and nationalities would be represented in the average tourist crowd. Perhaps I should have added a footnote both about that and the 'click language' of the Kalahari bushmen.
Best wishes, Tony
Comment from heart of Lou
Nice descriptive images in the gardens, and who are these creepy guys snooping around Helen's car? Charles was ruefully disappointed when they went to bed, but managed to think of a joke to cheer himself up.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2018
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Nice descriptive images in the gardens, and who are these creepy guys snooping around Helen's car? Charles was ruefully disappointed when they went to bed, but managed to think of a joke to cheer himself up.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2018
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Thanks, Lou. I appreciate your review and comments. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Adri7enne
Had to laugh at your Confucius joke. Lol! I'm still enjoying the ride, following Charles and Helen through the French countryside to Monet's house, now, where it sounds like an unending flower garden. By the time we found Alain, I'd forgotten who he was and why Charles and Helen were looking for him. Not to worry. I'll catch up next chapter. I enjoyed the tour, Tony.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2018
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Had to laugh at your Confucius joke. Lol! I'm still enjoying the ride, following Charles and Helen through the French countryside to Monet's house, now, where it sounds like an unending flower garden. By the time we found Alain, I'd forgotten who he was and why Charles and Helen were looking for him. Not to worry. I'll catch up next chapter. I enjoyed the tour, Tony.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2018
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Thanks, Adrienne. Alain takes centre stage in the next chapter. An interesting character!
Comment from rama devi
I wish I had been able to start this from the beginning. my time on Fanstory is intermittent and sporadic...and sometimes Internet in India is slow. Anyway, I've been wanting to drop in an review one chapter of your book...so here it is...
It's a sign of good writing that I could get drawn in right away in spite of not having read previous chapters. Excellent deep POV. Excellent descriptive detail. Excellent pacing and dialog. Most of the sentence mechanics are good but there are quite a few run-on sentences and a bunch of spag issues.
Five stars in advance...
NOTES:
Cute Confucius joke. Great closing note of mystery.
I'd love to see a sprinkling of creative similes. For example, here:
She had dropped so many hints about what happened in Bangkok that I was now buzzing with curiosity.
She had dropped so many hints about what happened in Bangkok that I was now buzzing, like a bee hive, with curiosity.
Just an example - I'm sure you can come up with something more creative.
*
I hailed a frumpy old lady in curlers and a mauve dressing gown. "Bonjour!" I shouted to her, with a broad grin.
suggest trimming TO HER, as it is implied by context. Trimming unnecessary filler words is always optimal.
*
She looked at me uncertainly(did you mean UNCERTAINTY?) and retreated up the garden path to her front door, grasping a bottle of milk and defensively thrusting her copy of Le Monde under one arm.
Notice how you TELL rather then SHOW the uncertainty and the defensiveness. I recommend describing her gestures and expressions to convey through showing not telling. LOOKED AT ME WITH UNCERTAINTY could be conveyed with more pizazz. Example:
She threw me a quizzical frown
or
See glanced at me with one eyebrow raised
*GOOD PLACE FOR A SIMILE: I grabbed her by the hand and propelled her down the street in a whirlwind of enthusiasm.
I grabbed her by the hand and propelled her down the street in a whirlwind of enthusiasm, like a...
*
We arrived at the garage breathless, and saw two men standing outside, in deep conversation with Michel.
In general, it's best to avoid too many complex sentences with different subjects. The pacing would be even better with two shorter sentences. Avoid filler words. Example:
We arrived at the garage breathless. Two men stood outside in deep conversation with Michel.
Please read both versions aloud to decide.
*
For a brief moment, I had a vision of white spats and spitting machine guns, before I shook myself back into the present.
a moment IS brief. The word brief is superfluous.
*the exclamation mark already shows it is an exclamation, and the reader knows from context who is speaking, so I suggest removing this speech tag:
"Fifi for sale? Definitely not!" Helen exclaimed.
* Comma issues:
"That's what I told them, but they came back again(,) just now, and wanted to know who the car belonged to. I didn't like the look of them(,) and I told them to mind their own business. They didn't look any too happy when they left." Michel shrugged,(no ,) and spat in the gutter.
NOTE: A comma is used after a coordinating conjunction only when the subsequent clause is independent.
*
"Only about 25 minutes.
Spell out twenty five.
*
We thanked him once again,(no ,) and gave him a large tip on top of the modest amount he charged us for the repair.
*Telling not showing:
Helen looked worried, perhaps even a little scared.
*
It was a five-minute walk from the carpark to the admission gate, and by a quarter to ten there was already a small queue of people waiting to get in.
Bit of a run on. Suggest:
It was a five-minute walk from the carpark to the admission gate. By a quarter to ten, there was already a small queue of people waiting to get in.
*Along with the others, we were ushered down some steps, and along a narrow path that led to the gardens in front of Monet's house.
Passive voicing - consider revising. Also, trimming:
They ushered us, with the others, down some steps, and along a narrow path to Monet's front gardens.
NICE DEPICTION:
The herbaceous borders were drowsy with bees and heavy with the scent of roses and honeysuckle. A Babel of admiring voices surrounded us, interspersed with cameras clicking like the consonants of Kalahari bushmen.
* It took us an hour or more to follow the crowd as it drifted onto the paths surrounding the lily ponds, and to squeeze through narrow doorways as we went from room to room through the house.
Run on sentence. Suggest:
It took us an hour or more to follow the crowd as it drifted onto the paths surrounding the lily ponds. We squeezed through narrow doorways going room to room through the house.
*super run on sentence:
We had almost finished the tour and given up hope of finding him when, from a window in one of the bedrooms, I saw a figure on a stepladder, pruning and tying back a climbing rose that was rampant, a shocking riot of yellow along the back wall of the garden.
Ideas (how I would edit the above, were it my own story):
We had almost finished the tour and given up hope of finding him when, from a bedroom window, I noticed a figure on a stepladder tying back a rampant climbing rose. He held pruning shears in hand. A shocking riot of yellow ornamented the garden's back wall.
* I nudged Helen and pointed. There was an unmistakable streak of white in the man's hair.
THERE WAS A is weak voicing. In this case, combining the sentences makes sense:
I nudged Helen and pointed at the unmistakable streak of white in the man's hair.
Really enjoyed this. It seems to me, judging from this chapter, that you might benefit from an editor's eyes when you're finished with the manuscript. Feel free to contact me if you are looking for an editor friend (me!) who would offer a discount on the fees for you! Not sure if I'd mentioned that to you before or not. My email: ramadevinina@yahoo.com.
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2018
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I wish I had been able to start this from the beginning. my time on Fanstory is intermittent and sporadic...and sometimes Internet in India is slow. Anyway, I've been wanting to drop in an review one chapter of your book...so here it is...
It's a sign of good writing that I could get drawn in right away in spite of not having read previous chapters. Excellent deep POV. Excellent descriptive detail. Excellent pacing and dialog. Most of the sentence mechanics are good but there are quite a few run-on sentences and a bunch of spag issues.
Five stars in advance...
NOTES:
Cute Confucius joke. Great closing note of mystery.
I'd love to see a sprinkling of creative similes. For example, here:
She had dropped so many hints about what happened in Bangkok that I was now buzzing with curiosity.
She had dropped so many hints about what happened in Bangkok that I was now buzzing, like a bee hive, with curiosity.
Just an example - I'm sure you can come up with something more creative.
*
I hailed a frumpy old lady in curlers and a mauve dressing gown. "Bonjour!" I shouted to her, with a broad grin.
suggest trimming TO HER, as it is implied by context. Trimming unnecessary filler words is always optimal.
*
She looked at me uncertainly(did you mean UNCERTAINTY?) and retreated up the garden path to her front door, grasping a bottle of milk and defensively thrusting her copy of Le Monde under one arm.
Notice how you TELL rather then SHOW the uncertainty and the defensiveness. I recommend describing her gestures and expressions to convey through showing not telling. LOOKED AT ME WITH UNCERTAINTY could be conveyed with more pizazz. Example:
She threw me a quizzical frown
or
See glanced at me with one eyebrow raised
*GOOD PLACE FOR A SIMILE: I grabbed her by the hand and propelled her down the street in a whirlwind of enthusiasm.
I grabbed her by the hand and propelled her down the street in a whirlwind of enthusiasm, like a...
*
We arrived at the garage breathless, and saw two men standing outside, in deep conversation with Michel.
In general, it's best to avoid too many complex sentences with different subjects. The pacing would be even better with two shorter sentences. Avoid filler words. Example:
We arrived at the garage breathless. Two men stood outside in deep conversation with Michel.
Please read both versions aloud to decide.
*
For a brief moment, I had a vision of white spats and spitting machine guns, before I shook myself back into the present.
a moment IS brief. The word brief is superfluous.
*the exclamation mark already shows it is an exclamation, and the reader knows from context who is speaking, so I suggest removing this speech tag:
"Fifi for sale? Definitely not!" Helen exclaimed.
* Comma issues:
"That's what I told them, but they came back again(,) just now, and wanted to know who the car belonged to. I didn't like the look of them(,) and I told them to mind their own business. They didn't look any too happy when they left." Michel shrugged,(no ,) and spat in the gutter.
NOTE: A comma is used after a coordinating conjunction only when the subsequent clause is independent.
*
"Only about 25 minutes.
Spell out twenty five.
*
We thanked him once again,(no ,) and gave him a large tip on top of the modest amount he charged us for the repair.
*Telling not showing:
Helen looked worried, perhaps even a little scared.
*
It was a five-minute walk from the carpark to the admission gate, and by a quarter to ten there was already a small queue of people waiting to get in.
Bit of a run on. Suggest:
It was a five-minute walk from the carpark to the admission gate. By a quarter to ten, there was already a small queue of people waiting to get in.
*Along with the others, we were ushered down some steps, and along a narrow path that led to the gardens in front of Monet's house.
Passive voicing - consider revising. Also, trimming:
They ushered us, with the others, down some steps, and along a narrow path to Monet's front gardens.
NICE DEPICTION:
The herbaceous borders were drowsy with bees and heavy with the scent of roses and honeysuckle. A Babel of admiring voices surrounded us, interspersed with cameras clicking like the consonants of Kalahari bushmen.
* It took us an hour or more to follow the crowd as it drifted onto the paths surrounding the lily ponds, and to squeeze through narrow doorways as we went from room to room through the house.
Run on sentence. Suggest:
It took us an hour or more to follow the crowd as it drifted onto the paths surrounding the lily ponds. We squeezed through narrow doorways going room to room through the house.
*super run on sentence:
We had almost finished the tour and given up hope of finding him when, from a window in one of the bedrooms, I saw a figure on a stepladder, pruning and tying back a climbing rose that was rampant, a shocking riot of yellow along the back wall of the garden.
Ideas (how I would edit the above, were it my own story):
We had almost finished the tour and given up hope of finding him when, from a bedroom window, I noticed a figure on a stepladder tying back a rampant climbing rose. He held pruning shears in hand. A shocking riot of yellow ornamented the garden's back wall.
* I nudged Helen and pointed. There was an unmistakable streak of white in the man's hair.
THERE WAS A is weak voicing. In this case, combining the sentences makes sense:
I nudged Helen and pointed at the unmistakable streak of white in the man's hair.
Really enjoyed this. It seems to me, judging from this chapter, that you might benefit from an editor's eyes when you're finished with the manuscript. Feel free to contact me if you are looking for an editor friend (me!) who would offer a discount on the fees for you! Not sure if I'd mentioned that to you before or not. My email: ramadevinina@yahoo.com.
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 09-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2018
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Very many thanks, RD. I shall have to go through this carefully in a little while, when I have more time. There are a number of thought-provoking suggestions here. It's very kind of you to have gone through this chapter in such detail. Much appreciated! I shall keep your kind offer in mind. Thank you very much for it. Almost a quarter of the way through at this stage, and learning as I go!
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Thanks for your gracious and generous response, my friend. Any craft takes decades to master fully! :-))
xxoo
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In that case I shall need to live to be a hundred! LOL
-
Hope so! :-)))
Comment from GinnieD
Riding a camel. Been there done that. And, it was fun! Chapter details "Charles and Helen" are recovering from loss and questioning "why us?" Then, in Thailand, the problems mount. Seems "Helen" may be withholding a secret from "Charles". Bangkok joke is a mini ha ha! Next, two mysterious strangers appear to be pursuing "Charles and Helen". Plenty of details paint an easy to visualize scene at the garage and the garden. Have not followed this story, but may need to go back and read more. Ending of the chapter lends to "Charles and Helen" finding their man. Many possibilities lie ahead. Enough of a hook to pique the reader's curiosity regarding what occurs next.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2018
|
Riding a camel. Been there done that. And, it was fun! Chapter details "Charles and Helen" are recovering from loss and questioning "why us?" Then, in Thailand, the problems mount. Seems "Helen" may be withholding a secret from "Charles". Bangkok joke is a mini ha ha! Next, two mysterious strangers appear to be pursuing "Charles and Helen". Plenty of details paint an easy to visualize scene at the garage and the garden. Have not followed this story, but may need to go back and read more. Ending of the chapter lends to "Charles and Helen" finding their man. Many possibilities lie ahead. Enough of a hook to pique the reader's curiosity regarding what occurs next.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2018
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Very many thanks for stopping by to review this chapter, Ginnie. I enjoyed reading your comments and appreciate the positive reinforcement. Most kind! I hope you continue to find the tale interesting as it continues to unfold. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from LaRosa
I really enjoyed the unusual and distinctively original descriptive elements involved in your story.
Ex) 'A Babel of admiring voices surrounded us, interspersed with cameras clicking like the consonants of Kalahari bushmen.
Looks like I've missed a bit and I hope to catch up soon.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2018
 |
I really enjoyed the unusual and distinctively original descriptive elements involved in your story.
Ex) 'A Babel of admiring voices surrounded us, interspersed with cameras clicking like the consonants of Kalahari bushmen.
Looks like I've missed a bit and I hope to catch up soon.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2018
-
Very many thanks for your supportive review and the six stars. Most affirming. I'm delighted that you enjoyed this chapter. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Tina Crute
The story is intriguing for a few reasons. Helen seems to be withholding information from Charles and I wonder if she really is a travel reporter. Also, Charles suspects that Helen is hiding something, but is at a loss to know for sure what it is.Added to that, there's the mystery of the two men that keep showing up. I think the fact that there are several mini mysteries going on at once makes this an intelligent read that will make it hard for a reader to put the book down!
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2018
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The story is intriguing for a few reasons. Helen seems to be withholding information from Charles and I wonder if she really is a travel reporter. Also, Charles suspects that Helen is hiding something, but is at a loss to know for sure what it is.Added to that, there's the mystery of the two men that keep showing up. I think the fact that there are several mini mysteries going on at once makes this an intelligent read that will make it hard for a reader to put the book down!
Comment Written 08-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2018
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Very many thanks, Tina, for your supportive review. Most affirming. I'm delighted that you enjoyed this chapter. Best wishes, Tony
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:)
Comment from DonandVicki
Your chapter caught my attention when I read about the camel ride in Karachi. I too had that experience way back in 1985. A well written and fun story.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2018
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Your chapter caught my attention when I read about the camel ride in Karachi. I too had that experience way back in 1985. A well written and fun story.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2018
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Many thanks for dropping by to review. Glad to have brought back good memories. All the best, Tony.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I enjoyed reading this chapter, Tony. The addition of the two lurking men added intrigue. It makes reads want to read more to find out what they are planning. I liked the description of the garden. I found it clever that the man with the white streak in his hair was located as he was. That was another piece of intriguing info. Good job and thanks for haring. Jan
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2018
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I enjoyed reading this chapter, Tony. The addition of the two lurking men added intrigue. It makes reads want to read more to find out what they are planning. I liked the description of the garden. I found it clever that the man with the white streak in his hair was located as he was. That was another piece of intriguing info. Good job and thanks for haring. Jan
Comment Written 07-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2018
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Thanks for your review, Jan. Appreciated. I enjoyed reading the recent poem about you! Best wishes, Tony.