Mitena
An Ojibway Story10 total reviews
Comment from tbacha58
I usually cannot read long stories due to my eye hurt. But your story grasp my attention, and reading it , it was so well written that i felt each movement, each sadness, as if i was their with you. Such a reality of the past, being written in the now. Excellent bravo. Love Terry
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I usually cannot read long stories due to my eye hurt. But your story grasp my attention, and reading it , it was so well written that i felt each movement, each sadness, as if i was their with you. Such a reality of the past, being written in the now. Excellent bravo. Love Terry
Comment Written 24-Oct-2018
Comment from royowen
I think if I had read one of your episodes, I would recognise it as being about Noth American Indians, or similar. What a noble people, seemingly patriarchal, but deeply held traditions. Although white men would think of them as backward. Beautfully and sensitively written and well presented, with noble characters and storyline. Well dine, enjoyable, blessings, Roy
Typo : What would become (of) them.
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I think if I had read one of your episodes, I would recognise it as being about Noth American Indians, or similar. What a noble people, seemingly patriarchal, but deeply held traditions. Although white men would think of them as backward. Beautfully and sensitively written and well presented, with noble characters and storyline. Well dine, enjoyable, blessings, Roy
Typo : What would become (of) them.
Comment Written 30-Sep-2018
Comment from J Patience
"casting her tall, proud silhouette onto the ... shore" usually it's a shadow that's cast, and a silhouette is seen against light, as in a doorway, rather than on the ground.
"gazing at the new moons' rays as they peaked through sombre clouds..." the apostrophe after the s indicates that there is more than one moon. At first, I thought this might be a world in a different dimension or alternate universe, but nothing else so far has indicated that, so I figured I'd mention it. Also, a "new moon" is generally completely dark, unlike the full moon that is the entire moon being visible.
"her fathers' words" again indicates that there is more than one father. "her father's words" is the appropriate possessive indication of words that belonged to her father.
"...find a burial place for my father." the chief said quietly. At the end of "father" there should be a comma because the next line, "The chief said quietly" can not stand alone. It is a part of the quote, so should be attached to it by the comma.
"He is gone." was all she could say. Should be "He is gone," was all she could say. Again, "Was all she could say" is not a sentence on its own and needs to be joined to the quote.
This is a gentle and sad story that echoes the past. I can feel the emotions that Mitena is feeling about the forced changes, her own life as a future wife, and the feeling of being watched over by her brothers and father. I'm sure it will continue to honor the pain and striving spirit of the native people over so many years.
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2018
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"casting her tall, proud silhouette onto the ... shore" usually it's a shadow that's cast, and a silhouette is seen against light, as in a doorway, rather than on the ground.
"gazing at the new moons' rays as they peaked through sombre clouds..." the apostrophe after the s indicates that there is more than one moon. At first, I thought this might be a world in a different dimension or alternate universe, but nothing else so far has indicated that, so I figured I'd mention it. Also, a "new moon" is generally completely dark, unlike the full moon that is the entire moon being visible.
"her fathers' words" again indicates that there is more than one father. "her father's words" is the appropriate possessive indication of words that belonged to her father.
"...find a burial place for my father." the chief said quietly. At the end of "father" there should be a comma because the next line, "The chief said quietly" can not stand alone. It is a part of the quote, so should be attached to it by the comma.
"He is gone." was all she could say. Should be "He is gone," was all she could say. Again, "Was all she could say" is not a sentence on its own and needs to be joined to the quote.
This is a gentle and sad story that echoes the past. I can feel the emotions that Mitena is feeling about the forced changes, her own life as a future wife, and the feeling of being watched over by her brothers and father. I'm sure it will continue to honor the pain and striving spirit of the native people over so many years.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2018
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Hi there,
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. I went to elementary school in the sixties and we were taught that an apostrophe after the s shows possession. In other words ''new moons' rays'' show that the rays belong to the moon and ''her fathers' words'' show that the words belong to her father. An apostrophe before the s is a contraction. For example, ''Her father's going the store.'' ''The moon's falling''. For some reason this has been changed so that the apostrophe after the s means both things. How confusing! I don't know why this changed but if you ask anyone who went to school in the sixties and seventies, perhaps even the eighties they will tell you that they grew up learning the same thing. I have had other people correct me on other works I have done but I will not change what I was taught by all of my teachers when I was growing up. How can things suddenly be wrong? Thank you for all of your other comments. They are truly appreciated.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This is a good write. Lovely tone to it and it is a very affecting piece. The plight of native americans was a particularly hard one.
When referring to looking, peaked should be peeked. (this is misused a few times)
There is a tencency to rely on adverbs in some places when a little line of fuller description could really enhance the piece.
``My son,`` the old mans` lips trembled as he spoke, ``My heart is broken. - technically the second piece of dialogue here should start with a lower case letter as it is continuing dialogue where the previous isn't closed off.
Gi zah gin,,`` she whispered as - delete one of the commas from before the closing speech marks.
``He is gone.`` Was all she could say. - was, and ideally a comma father than period before the closing speech marks.
`Go up to the forest and find a burial place for my father.`` The chief said quietly. - the.
Following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or name. There are more instances of this.
``We have found a place,``- should be a period rather than a comma before the closing speech marks.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2018
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Hi there,
This is a good write. Lovely tone to it and it is a very affecting piece. The plight of native americans was a particularly hard one.
When referring to looking, peaked should be peeked. (this is misused a few times)
There is a tencency to rely on adverbs in some places when a little line of fuller description could really enhance the piece.
``My son,`` the old mans` lips trembled as he spoke, ``My heart is broken. - technically the second piece of dialogue here should start with a lower case letter as it is continuing dialogue where the previous isn't closed off.
Gi zah gin,,`` she whispered as - delete one of the commas from before the closing speech marks.
``He is gone.`` Was all she could say. - was, and ideally a comma father than period before the closing speech marks.
`Go up to the forest and find a burial place for my father.`` The chief said quietly. - the.
Following speech tags should be lower case unless a proper noun or name. There are more instances of this.
``We have found a place,``- should be a period rather than a comma before the closing speech marks.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2018
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Hi,
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. I was just wanting to know, as this is one of my few attempts to write a story (I usually do poetry), are giving me the four stars based on grammar or the content? Thank you again and have a great day!
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grammar
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was a touching, emotionally charged story, and beautifully written. I have always thought the people who landed on the true American Native's soil, were robbers, liars and cheats. They stole the Indians heritage and destroyed it. But, that happened whatever country they went to, it happened to the aborigine's too. So sad. I loved this story, and hope there will be more to come. :) Sandra xx
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That was a touching, emotionally charged story, and beautifully written. I have always thought the people who landed on the true American Native's soil, were robbers, liars and cheats. They stole the Indians heritage and destroyed it. But, that happened whatever country they went to, it happened to the aborigine's too. So sad. I loved this story, and hope there will be more to come. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 27-Sep-2018
Comment from Earl Corp
The conflict in the main character of whether or not to embrace the new white way or to honor the old ways by keeping them going isfront and center as it should be with no guesswork involved.
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The conflict in the main character of whether or not to embrace the new white way or to honor the old ways by keeping them going isfront and center as it should be with no guesswork involved.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2018
Comment from Ricky1024
"Mitina" was well-written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It read Well and Flowed well with no grammar issues as well.
Adjective Content and Objective Content were both excellent and exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned perfectly.
Thanks for this and have a great day.
Doctor Ricky 1024
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"Mitina" was well-written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It read Well and Flowed well with no grammar issues as well.
Adjective Content and Objective Content were both excellent and exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned perfectly.
Thanks for this and have a great day.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 26-Sep-2018
Comment from WildWithWords
This is a very very fine piece of writing, Idamarty.
I know of your heritage from your profile but regardless of background the words have still to be written just right. You've done this.
You've painted a picture of a serene and peaceful people harshly moved on from their home lands. We all know of the gross injustices done in those sad times - even those of us over on the far side of the planet are aware - but to portray so well the humility of a humiliated people, their grace under pressure and the loving tenderness of their inter-relationships with each other as you have, is a real achievement. It felt so authentic.... with the sole exception of one part.
".... the Son of God, who walked on the earth over a thousand years ago..."
Excuse me for trying to tell a Native American about the authenticity of his own peoples style of speaking ( and quite possibly I am wrong here, and the way I've come to know the spoken ways of the American Indian is wrong or exaggerated) but would not the natural way for Mitena to express this have been....
".... the Son of God, who walked on the earth over a thousand WINTERS ago..." ?
There is also a glitch with a small section in the 3rd last paragraph (which looks like a font or upload problem) where the text is garbled as....
She did not want their way of life to change and why should it�???�??�?�¯?�???�??�?�¿ There..."
I'm marking you as I have on the basis that either I'm wrong about "Winters/ Summers" or you MIGHT see fit to change it.... and that the font error is simply that... an error beyond control or showing up only on some computers and not others.
Outside of those things I can't find a reason NOT to award the maximum stars.
Outstanding writing.
Bill (WildWithWords)
PS: Dayumn you can write!
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2018
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This is a very very fine piece of writing, Idamarty.
I know of your heritage from your profile but regardless of background the words have still to be written just right. You've done this.
You've painted a picture of a serene and peaceful people harshly moved on from their home lands. We all know of the gross injustices done in those sad times - even those of us over on the far side of the planet are aware - but to portray so well the humility of a humiliated people, their grace under pressure and the loving tenderness of their inter-relationships with each other as you have, is a real achievement. It felt so authentic.... with the sole exception of one part.
".... the Son of God, who walked on the earth over a thousand years ago..."
Excuse me for trying to tell a Native American about the authenticity of his own peoples style of speaking ( and quite possibly I am wrong here, and the way I've come to know the spoken ways of the American Indian is wrong or exaggerated) but would not the natural way for Mitena to express this have been....
".... the Son of God, who walked on the earth over a thousand WINTERS ago..." ?
There is also a glitch with a small section in the 3rd last paragraph (which looks like a font or upload problem) where the text is garbled as....
She did not want their way of life to change and why should it�???�??�?�¯?�???�??�?�¿ There..."
I'm marking you as I have on the basis that either I'm wrong about "Winters/ Summers" or you MIGHT see fit to change it.... and that the font error is simply that... an error beyond control or showing up only on some computers and not others.
Outside of those things I can't find a reason NOT to award the maximum stars.
Outstanding writing.
Bill (WildWithWords)
PS: Dayumn you can write!
Comment Written 25-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2018
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Hi Bill,
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing and for the six stars, I truly appreciate them! Loved your suggestion and went back and changed it. You are right about the way the Native peoples talk. I have never lived on a reserve, however many of my cousins do. My father left when he was young to join the air force. My mother was not native, she was pure Irish. Thank you again for your wonderful comments and have a great day!
Marlene
Comment from country ranch writer
Times change and they have no control of the say they have in their life. It was made for them they would be forced to the reservation to live and conform to their ways.
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Times change and they have no control of the say they have in their life. It was made for them they would be forced to the reservation to live and conform to their ways.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2018
Comment from kahpot
Wow! what an absorbing read (I hope there is more), I know it is fiction but you have created a wonderful lead to a story, your description of how and why these events are (have) occurred are great reading, with the thought of Mitena being so young, left to the middle of the story, and the hope she has for her people, I can only rate on what I read and like, I can't help too much with the actual writing or grammar, so this is my view, EXCEPTIONAL****kahpot
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Wow! what an absorbing read (I hope there is more), I know it is fiction but you have created a wonderful lead to a story, your description of how and why these events are (have) occurred are great reading, with the thought of Mitena being so young, left to the middle of the story, and the hope she has for her people, I can only rate on what I read and like, I can't help too much with the actual writing or grammar, so this is my view, EXCEPTIONAL****kahpot
Comment Written 25-Sep-2018
