Clovis
Anatomy of a bank robber26 total reviews
Comment from Sugarray77
I liked your description of this slob and all the attributes that make him repulsive. You did a good job setting this character up and laying the groundwork for your chapter 3. Good job.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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I liked your description of this slob and all the attributes that make him repulsive. You did a good job setting this character up and laying the groundwork for your chapter 3. Good job.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much for your kind review and comments. Clovis is a slob and a bad one.
All my best,
Sally
Comment from rwilliam
HAHAHA, Love the drawing. I feel better about my drawing, tee hee. :-)
Clovis Cooper had become a couch potato in every sense of the word. He smelled. Food and empty beer cans were in piles next to him. The remote was encrusted with pork rind crumbs. ---Maybe show more than tell: -Empty beer cans and half eaten piles of pizza crusts outlined his body. A pork rind encrusted remote teetered on his engorged belly.--do you see the difference between telling and painting a picture or showing with your words?
The television ran all day and night. He slept where he sat. He had a woman once; Dee was her name. She was nice and so was her cat. Long gone now. She couldn't take it anymore. ---Try: The blue haze of the television glowed day and night. Alone, he slept were he sat. Dee and her cat long gone, she couldn't take it anymore.
He resembled a restaurant in town labeled a greasy spoon. No one willingly went there to eat; folks sorta ended up there. --I don't like this line at all. Maybe some tweaking would help but I think the picture has been painted of what he is like so maybe replace these words with something that would take this piece a bit deeper into his psyche.
With work this could be really good. Hope I helped. Good luck.
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reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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HAHAHA, Love the drawing. I feel better about my drawing, tee hee. :-)
Clovis Cooper had become a couch potato in every sense of the word. He smelled. Food and empty beer cans were in piles next to him. The remote was encrusted with pork rind crumbs. ---Maybe show more than tell: -Empty beer cans and half eaten piles of pizza crusts outlined his body. A pork rind encrusted remote teetered on his engorged belly.--do you see the difference between telling and painting a picture or showing with your words?
The television ran all day and night. He slept where he sat. He had a woman once; Dee was her name. She was nice and so was her cat. Long gone now. She couldn't take it anymore. ---Try: The blue haze of the television glowed day and night. Alone, he slept were he sat. Dee and her cat long gone, she couldn't take it anymore.
He resembled a restaurant in town labeled a greasy spoon. No one willingly went there to eat; folks sorta ended up there. --I don't like this line at all. Maybe some tweaking would help but I think the picture has been painted of what he is like so maybe replace these words with something that would take this piece a bit deeper into his psyche.
With work this could be really good. Hope I helped. Good luck.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much for your review and critique. ?lol see what I can do.
Kindest regards,
Sally
Comment from Ben Colder
I find nothing wrong with this. It has me seeing the guy as you describe him and the situation. Now I wish to know how every thing goes down. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2018
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I find nothing wrong with this. It has me seeing the guy as you describe him and the situation. Now I wish to know how every thing goes down. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2018
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Thank you so much for your review! I appreciate it so much. I hope you are feeling better!
Kindest regards to you and yours,
Sally
Comment from tfawcus
His misdeeds certainly seem to have dragged him down. Your description of his living conditions are most graphic and real. I notice that all paragraphs are in the past tense, except this one:
"He waits by himself for the cops to cool it. All by himself with the remote."
The present tense gives more immediacy, of course, but I think that either the whole piece should be written in the present, or else in the past.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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His misdeeds certainly seem to have dragged him down. Your description of his living conditions are most graphic and real. I notice that all paragraphs are in the past tense, except this one:
"He waits by himself for the cops to cool it. All by himself with the remote."
The present tense gives more immediacy, of course, but I think that either the whole piece should be written in the present, or else in the past.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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Thank you, I knew you had the excellent eye I needed. I will edit this within my word allowance. I appreciate the critique and excellent review so much.
Kindest regards,
Sally
Comment from Beverly Botelho
Satisfying story for this short form. Starts well, ends with a punch. It is rich with details and history. If there is anything I can find to criticize, it is the sex change - that confused me. I'm not sure that needed to be included in the story, and I'm not sure what reasoning caused it to be included there. Am I missing something? At any rate, this normally critical critic finds no reason to complain. Well done!
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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Satisfying story for this short form. Starts well, ends with a punch. It is rich with details and history. If there is anything I can find to criticize, it is the sex change - that confused me. I'm not sure that needed to be included in the story, and I'm not sure what reasoning caused it to be included there. Am I missing something? At any rate, this normally critical critic finds no reason to complain. Well done!
Comment Written 28-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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Thank you so much Beverly for your excellent review and critique! I appreciate your time and comments very much. It means a lot to me. I?m not aware of a sex change but I will look again with new eyes just to make sure! I am a sight impaired writer so I take my critiques to heart.
All my very best to you and yours,
Sally
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My mistake! Was distracted yesterday, and probably reading things into story! Again, enjoyed it a great deal!
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No worries! Thanks again!
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;)
Comment from Tina Crute
I almost feel sorry for the guy! So interesting that he remembers Dee in the middle of worrying about the robbery gone wrong. Nice imagery all the way through...."He slept where he sat." I can literally see him:)
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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I almost feel sorry for the guy! So interesting that he remembers Dee in the middle of worrying about the robbery gone wrong. Nice imagery all the way through...."He slept where he sat." I can literally see him:)
Comment Written 28-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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Thank you Tina for the excellent review. I appreciate it so much. I?m glad you enjoyed it. Clovis is quite the mess.
All my very best to you and yours,
Sally
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You're welcome!
Comment from krys123
Cheers, Sally;
>Although more of a poetic lyricist I do like to read stories and I consider that I'm not a professional at reviewing stories I know what I like.
> I really enjoyed this and I want to read more about this man who robbed the bank and that's what I like about your story that involves me thinking about what happens to this man later in his life.
> Thanks so much for an entertaining read and take care and have a good one.
Alx
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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Cheers, Sally;
>Although more of a poetic lyricist I do like to read stories and I consider that I'm not a professional at reviewing stories I know what I like.
> I really enjoyed this and I want to read more about this man who robbed the bank and that's what I like about your story that involves me thinking about what happens to this man later in his life.
> Thanks so much for an entertaining read and take care and have a good one.
Alx
Comment Written 28-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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Thank you so much for the excellent review. I will expand on him in chapter three of my novella. Chapter one won first place and chapter two is in a contest right now. I had a lot of fun with his character in this short piece. I?m using this flash fiction as a teaser for my novella. He has become quite popular. I guess everyone likes a good low-life, pork-rind-eating bank robber in hiding.
Blessings, Sally
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You'll never know, Sally, There could be a couch potato out there now planning a robbery. Chuckle!
> You're very welcome my friend and take care and have a good one.
Alx
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Thank you, you too!
Comment from meeshu
this is great write, Sally. this guy is a walking, make that lounging metaphor for a lot of the ills in society. yet somehow a sympathetic character. HHmm?...............meeshu
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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this is great write, Sally. this guy is a walking, make that lounging metaphor for a lot of the ills in society. yet somehow a sympathetic character. HHmm?...............meeshu
Comment Written 28-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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Yes, a soul gone wrong here. It?s pretty bad. He is a character that will be featured in my novella, chapter three. I am using the flash fiction contest to develop his character a bit. It?s working. Everyone wants to hear how he got to this point and the end of the story. Stay tuned.
I want to thank you for stopping by and giving me your review and comments. That means so much to me!
Kindest regards to you and yours, Sally
Comment from jenintorre
I enjoyed reading this 150 word flash fiction. Clovis sounds like a delightful character (NOT). I wish you lots of luck in the competition. Best wishes. Jen.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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I enjoyed reading this 150 word flash fiction. Clovis sounds like a delightful character (NOT). I wish you lots of luck in the competition. Best wishes. Jen.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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Thank you so much for stopping by and for the excellent review! Yes, Clovis lost his delight long ago. I was able to give a glimpse of him in this flash fiction. Kindest regards to you and yours, Sally
Comment from KatyM
Sally, very good!I have no suggestions. I like the picture of Clovis! Why does he wish for the gun that he got rid of? Other than this question nothing to add or take away.
Happy Writing
Katy
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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Sally, very good!I have no suggestions. I like the picture of Clovis! Why does he wish for the gun that he got rid of? Other than this question nothing to add or take away.
Happy Writing
Katy
Comment Written 28-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2018
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He is a bank robber tied to my novella currently in the contests here on FanStory. I did a little teaser with this story and mentioned my reasons in the bottom comments. His character, thus far, has just been referred to as ?the bank robber.? He robbed a savings and loan at gun point, and shot and killed the elderly security guard as he fled the scene. He tossed the gun in a dumpster and he disappeared into the Georgia backwoods. He is still at large in chapter two. I featured him in this flash fiction just for fun and to develop his character for my novella. He is doing quite well in ratings and maybe I?ll have a chance to win the contest. Who knew?
Thank you so much for stopping by and for the excellent review. This means so much to me! Kindest regards to you and yours, Sally
