Living Alone
A woman comes home after a long day at work.4 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
The line throws the reader. A not alone. I like that. You describe your step by creaking step so well that the reader feels the creaking bones. The reader essentially becomes you. BUT they did not know or maybe even want you to tell them the fact that they are not alone. Great imagery. The mood is observant as you go through the antics & acrobatics of getting inside. BUT never did the reader know they were going to get hit with the last line. Great work.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2018
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The line throws the reader. A not alone. I like that. You describe your step by creaking step so well that the reader feels the creaking bones. The reader essentially becomes you. BUT they did not know or maybe even want you to tell them the fact that they are not alone. Great imagery. The mood is observant as you go through the antics & acrobatics of getting inside. BUT never did the reader know they were going to get hit with the last line. Great work.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2018
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Thank you very much, Liz. I love free verse and "stepping" along slowly. I appreciate the R&R.
Comment from Bill Schott
This one-hundred-word poem, Living Alone, presented in free verse, falls into the limited text requirements and works us through the problems of just getting through a door on your own. The last line turns it all on its head, of course. The perfect end to the perfect day.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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This one-hundred-word poem, Living Alone, presented in free verse, falls into the limited text requirements and works us through the problems of just getting through a door on your own. The last line turns it all on its head, of course. The perfect end to the perfect day.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2018
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Thank you very much, Bill. I'm grateful for your thoughtful review.
Comment from phill doran
Hello Anon
Ah yes, look behind you. Very good. In passing I am not sure if 'reminds me' is the most appropriate phrase. It is correct in 'reminding' you of your age and condition etc, but it implies that you already know you are not alone - that is, you knew before you came in. Perhaps "informs me" (or words to that effect) might allow for the fact that only when looking into the mirror do you get to see the 'other'? Just a thought. The writing is great as it stands and I mean no disrespect to your words as they are.
I wish you well at the booth and with your further writing.
cheers
phill
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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Hello Anon
Ah yes, look behind you. Very good. In passing I am not sure if 'reminds me' is the most appropriate phrase. It is correct in 'reminding' you of your age and condition etc, but it implies that you already know you are not alone - that is, you knew before you came in. Perhaps "informs me" (or words to that effect) might allow for the fact that only when looking into the mirror do you get to see the 'other'? Just a thought. The writing is great as it stands and I mean no disrespect to your words as they are.
I wish you well at the booth and with your further writing.
cheers
phill
Comment Written 17-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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Thanks, Phill for your review and comments.
I had intended that the reflection she sees first reminds her that she's had a long rough day... journey... life.
The "And not alone" is a second thought.
Glad you shared your comments.
Comment from KatyM
Wow, I like it. What did she see when she looked in the mirror? Did she see someone waiting for her in her apartment? This is rather creepy. I have no additions or subtractions. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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Wow, I like it. What did she see when she looked in the mirror? Did she see someone waiting for her in her apartment? This is rather creepy. I have no additions or subtractions. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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Thanks, Katy. That's what makes it a thriller, to me. The reader can make their own nightmare come true! Ghost... ex-husband... boogie-man... Grin. For me, it's the unwanted ghost.
