Derailed
My life had derailed.74 total reviews
Comment from Grace Fletcher
I love how this tells a coherent story, almost like flash fiction yet in a lyrical way. I was captivated and wanted to know what happened. This was interesting and unpretentious. Thoroughly enjoyed!
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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I love how this tells a coherent story, almost like flash fiction yet in a lyrical way. I was captivated and wanted to know what happened. This was interesting and unpretentious. Thoroughly enjoyed!
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Thank you, Grace, for your heartfelt review. I am glad my poem captivated your heart and your imagination.
Comment from Ogden
That's a hell of a story, Andre, convincing, well-told, and packed with drama. It's easy to see how such a traumatic experience, especially for one so young, could have a lifelong impact.
I hope your poem will get the reward it deserves. Good luck in the contest!
Don
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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That's a hell of a story, Andre, convincing, well-told, and packed with drama. It's easy to see how such a traumatic experience, especially for one so young, could have a lifelong impact.
I hope your poem will get the reward it deserves. Good luck in the contest!
Don
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Oh, thank you, Don, for your generous, six star review. This story has haunted me for fifty years, so long that I thought I had been dreaming, but then I found the newspaper articles about the train derailment in my neighborhood. Thank you for wishing me good luck in the contest, too.
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You're very welcome, Andre.
Don
Comment from misscookie
Wow!
I found the artwork you choose to be perfect for your poem
You captured my attention from the first line to the last
My heat couldn't stop racing as I read on and on
thank you for sharing the true and frightful poem
cookie
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Wow!
I found the artwork you choose to be perfect for your poem
You captured my attention from the first line to the last
My heat couldn't stop racing as I read on and on
thank you for sharing the true and frightful poem
cookie
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Oh, thank you, Cookie, for your heartfelt review. I am glad my poem captured your attention from the first line to the last.
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You're very welcome ,have a blessed day
Until next time
Cookie
Comment from Taylor W.
I, too, have felt derailed by the smoke and the flames. Literally and figuratively. You did a great job painting a picture and making this piece relatable. It was a good read, thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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I, too, have felt derailed by the smoke and the flames. Literally and figuratively. You did a great job painting a picture and making this piece relatable. It was a good read, thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Thank you, Taylor, for your generous, enthusiastic review. I appreciate it.
Comment from rama devi
Whew. Wow. That closing is AWESOME....gave me goose bumps. The free verse style and flow generate a crescendo effect that is remarkable. Superb extension of the metaphor here:
I didn't realize it at the time,
but my life had derailed.
I don't recall my father's presence when we evacuated.
I didn't know where he was.
He disappeared from my early life so often,
we lacked time to bond.
My life barreled down the wrong tracks
before I knew tracks existed.
and in the closing.
Stunning write. Intense tragedy from a child's POV. Brilliant emotional overtones.
Kudos.
A six
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Whew. Wow. That closing is AWESOME....gave me goose bumps. The free verse style and flow generate a crescendo effect that is remarkable. Superb extension of the metaphor here:
I didn't realize it at the time,
but my life had derailed.
I don't recall my father's presence when we evacuated.
I didn't know where he was.
He disappeared from my early life so often,
we lacked time to bond.
My life barreled down the wrong tracks
before I knew tracks existed.
and in the closing.
Stunning write. Intense tragedy from a child's POV. Brilliant emotional overtones.
Kudos.
A six
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Oh, thank you, Rama, for your enthusiastic, six star review and for pointing out my "superb extension" of the derailment metaphor. I am glad my free verse gave you goose bumps. Thanks for the kudos.
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:-)))
Comment from royowen
My you didn't have a good start in life, sometimes we think our own lives are a mess, but then we find that someone else's is much worse. Beautifully written Andre, you've certain made it clear, and articulately lined it up with other tragic events of the day. Well done my friend, good scribing, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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My you didn't have a good start in life, sometimes we think our own lives are a mess, but then we find that someone else's is much worse. Beautifully written Andre, you've certain made it clear, and articulately lined it up with other tragic events of the day. Well done my friend, good scribing, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Yes, Roy, when I tracked down articles about the derailment, I was shocked that it happened one month after King's assassination, one day after my fourth birthday, one month before Bobby Kennedy's assassination, and that the events that would lead up to my parent's divorce were already underway. Thank you for your review and empathy.
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But you're appearing was gold in the midst of rotten fruit.
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Thank you, Roy. I appreciate your golden compliment.
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My pleasure Andre
Comment from meeshu
this is absolutely wonderful free verse, historical and personal. I love the images and the line: 'barreled down the wrong tracks before I knew tracks existed. a 6six6 star all the way, Sis Cat............meeshu
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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this is absolutely wonderful free verse, historical and personal. I love the images and the line: 'barreled down the wrong tracks before I knew tracks existed. a 6six6 star all the way, Sis Cat............meeshu
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Oh, thank you, Meeshu, for your enthusiastic, virtual six star review of my "wonderful free verse." I appreciate it.
Comment from Hayley Zemontas
A nice, detailed account of such a tragic disaster. You included so much detail that I felt I was really there sharing this experience with those poor people. 'Burnt match smell, red and blue lights flashed'. These little details make a huge difference, as well as the line about the elf doll, really humanise the experience. Lovely piece of free verse. You clearly have a good eye for noticing the little things.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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A nice, detailed account of such a tragic disaster. You included so much detail that I felt I was really there sharing this experience with those poor people. 'Burnt match smell, red and blue lights flashed'. These little details make a huge difference, as well as the line about the elf doll, really humanise the experience. Lovely piece of free verse. You clearly have a good eye for noticing the little things.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Yes, Hayley, the little details make this poem. I remember and love my elf doll and did not want to leave him behind. Thank you for your generous review. I am glad the details humanized the experience.
Comment from ciliverde
This is so moving, Andre (I hope I'm remembering your name correctly). The final stanza is just stunning, and the whole poem is so intense and personal, I could feel your small self, your confusion, and your fear. Between those assassinations, which feels significant - this, too, was an assassination of sorts. That of your peace of mind? I am not sure, but it feels like it took a significant place in your history.
Very powerful, excellent free verse,
Carol
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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This is so moving, Andre (I hope I'm remembering your name correctly). The final stanza is just stunning, and the whole poem is so intense and personal, I could feel your small self, your confusion, and your fear. Between those assassinations, which feels significant - this, too, was an assassination of sorts. That of your peace of mind? I am not sure, but it feels like it took a significant place in your history.
Very powerful, excellent free verse,
Carol
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Yes, Carol, for half a century I thought I had a nightmare or made it up, but the details were too specific for a four year old. When I found the newspaper articles and confirmed that a chemical train derailment did indeed happen within a mile of my home, I was struck by the timing: a month after King's assassination, a day after my fourth birthday, and a month before Bobby's assassination while the events that would lead up to my parents' divorce were already underway.
Thank you for your generous, six star review. I appreciate it.
Comment from kiwisteveh
Trying to teach kids how to write poetry at the moment, specifically that they can take something small from their own lives and build it up into a real message.
Not that your starting point is anything small, but it is just that, a starting point that allows you to explore the other major derailment in your life - your missing father. Love the way you've extended that metaphor to produce a poem that packs a real punch.
Steve
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Trying to teach kids how to write poetry at the moment, specifically that they can take something small from their own lives and build it up into a real message.
Not that your starting point is anything small, but it is just that, a starting point that allows you to explore the other major derailment in your life - your missing father. Love the way you've extended that metaphor to produce a poem that packs a real punch.
Steve
Comment Written 10-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2018
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Yes, Steve, I knew that when I found newspaper articles confirming the chemical train derailment, I could write a poem that packs a real punch if I interweave the other derailments in my life--King's dead, Bobby soon will be, and my parents' marriage was about to end. Thank you for your generous, six star review. I appreciate it.
