Derailed
My life had derailed.74 total reviews
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
Hi Andre,
That train derailment and subsequent evacuation had a great impact on you at such a young age. That coupled with an often absentee father left a hole in your heart and was difficult to process at the tender age of four.
Your free verse poem tugs at the heart-strings. You've used some very effective techniques to draw your reader in. The comparison of a life derailing to a train derailing is very effective in emphasizing the impact you experienced.
In particular, the repetition of the words 'derailed' and 'wailed" help to reiterate to your reader just how very much these two incidents impacted your life ... still haunting you to this day. "I cried." ... again, great impact in having these two words stand alone. Before these two words is the recounting of the train derailment. After these two words is the realization that life had derailed.
Exceptionally well written and presented. Perfect pairing of picture and poem.
Thanks for sharing the history of your hurt with your fanstory friends. Best wishes for the contest.
Cheers,
Connie
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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Hi Andre,
That train derailment and subsequent evacuation had a great impact on you at such a young age. That coupled with an often absentee father left a hole in your heart and was difficult to process at the tender age of four.
Your free verse poem tugs at the heart-strings. You've used some very effective techniques to draw your reader in. The comparison of a life derailing to a train derailing is very effective in emphasizing the impact you experienced.
In particular, the repetition of the words 'derailed' and 'wailed" help to reiterate to your reader just how very much these two incidents impacted your life ... still haunting you to this day. "I cried." ... again, great impact in having these two words stand alone. Before these two words is the recounting of the train derailment. After these two words is the realization that life had derailed.
Exceptionally well written and presented. Perfect pairing of picture and poem.
Thanks for sharing the history of your hurt with your fanstory friends. Best wishes for the contest.
Cheers,
Connie
Comment Written 16-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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Yes, Connie, the train derailment and evacuation were among my earliest memories. For half a century, I thought I had been dreaming, made it up, or was going crazy, but the memories were too detailed for a four year old to concoct. I found newspaper articles of a chemical train derailment a mile from my home but it said the sulfur dioxide only spread several blocks. It did not mention a mass evacuation. I asked my oldest brother and he only remembered our parents' divorce and not the derailment that year. I had to go on faith with my memories of a mass evacuation caused by a chemical train derailment, and I write my poem, using the fragments of details I recalled. I was heartened to learn after I posted my poem that a reviewer who lived in the San Fernando Valley at that time recalled the mass evacuation and the adults talking about it for years. So I did not make it up and I am not crazy.
One of my strongest memories was not a presence but an absence--my father was not with his family when we evacuated. Perhaps it takes a calamitous event like an evacuation for a child to ask "Where's Daddy?" I had no idea at the time that my parents were months away from divorcing and that my potter father often spent long periods at his new studio away from his family.
Several strategies I used in my poem were to not resolve the pain but to leave it all out there and use the fragments of details I recalled. I am glad you found the repetition of the words "derailed" and "wailed" to be effective.
The "I cried" line was inspired by the shortest sentence in the Bible--John 11:35 "Jesus wept." I allowed my version to stand alone among the chaos of a derailment and evacuation. That line, as you stated, serves as a pivot between describing the derailment of a train and describing the derailment of my life when I realized my father was not there.
Thank you for your generous, six star review and contest well wishes.
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You're most welcome, Andre.
It makes perfect sense when you say, "Perhaps it takes a calamitous event like an evacuation for a child to ask, "Where's Daddy"?". In fearful or dangerous times we want our family close together, so that we know that all members are safe and sound. It also offers us comfort to have them there with us.
Comment from Zinnia48
This was an intense retelling of a tragedy-both to the community and to the storyteller. The repetition of the word "wailed" in the last stanza kept the emotion building and expanding. thank you for sharing your talent. caroline
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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This was an intense retelling of a tragedy-both to the community and to the storyteller. The repetition of the word "wailed" in the last stanza kept the emotion building and expanding. thank you for sharing your talent. caroline
Comment Written 13-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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Oh, thank you, Caroline, for your generous, six star review. I am humbled and grateful that I took a risk and shared these memories, because the newspapers did not mention the extent of the evacuation. Fortunately, I found a reviewer who lived in the area at the same time and remembered the evacuation. I am happy that I did not imagine this. Thanks again.
Comment from Kory James
What a terrible and tragic story, written poignantly in free-verse. Great job capturing the emotion of such a catastrophe, was an engaging read for sure
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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What a terrible and tragic story, written poignantly in free-verse. Great job capturing the emotion of such a catastrophe, was an engaging read for sure
Comment Written 12-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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Thank you, Kory, for your review. I am glad my poem engaged you. Thanks also for givng my poem its last review before the certificate expired.
Comment from Bill Schott
This free verse, Derailed, reads very much like a page from a memoir. It is nicely developed from the period piece of a train wreck to a moment in your own life that left an indelible mark. The sense of loss is evident in both story lines. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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This free verse, Derailed, reads very much like a page from a memoir. It is nicely developed from the period piece of a train wreck to a moment in your own life that left an indelible mark. The sense of loss is evident in both story lines. Nicely done.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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Thank you, Bill, for your heartfelt review. I originally was going to write an essay but the material told me to write a poem with the fragments of information and memories I had. Thanks again.
Comment from robyn corum
Andre,
Are you saying you lost your dad that night, sweetie? I do understand that the night had to be a horror for such a young child - just like a tornado -- only sights and smells and feelings and screams and horror. Bless your heart. Sending a hug -- I've missed you!
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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Andre,
Are you saying you lost your dad that night, sweetie? I do understand that the night had to be a horror for such a young child - just like a tornado -- only sights and smells and feelings and screams and horror. Bless your heart. Sending a hug -- I've missed you!
Comment Written 12-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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No, Robyn, but in a way I did lose my dad that night. He was spending his nights at his studio as a potter, on the road as an artist, or with other women as a philanderer. He wasn't there to help his family evacuate from a chemical train derailment. My mother divorced him later that year.
Thank you for your review. It's good to be back.
Comment from Lady Jane
Is this biographical? Irregardless, the voice within this write is solid and ever so poignant. The storytelling in this was crisp and so very heart wrenching. The final stanza, the wailing from decade to decade, trial to trial, brought home the entire piece. What a tragedy. And, what happened to the father? How our world is rocked with the loss of a loved one. This piece as a whole, I feel, is a very strong contender for the free verse poetry contest. No errors, or nits. I found this a realistic penning with a personal tone that lends to its ambiance and overall success. Good luck, dear.
Janelle
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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Is this biographical? Irregardless, the voice within this write is solid and ever so poignant. The storytelling in this was crisp and so very heart wrenching. The final stanza, the wailing from decade to decade, trial to trial, brought home the entire piece. What a tragedy. And, what happened to the father? How our world is rocked with the loss of a loved one. This piece as a whole, I feel, is a very strong contender for the free verse poetry contest. No errors, or nits. I found this a realistic penning with a personal tone that lends to its ambiance and overall success. Good luck, dear.
Janelle
Comment Written 12-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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Yes, Janelle, it is biographical. I had a fifty year old childhood memory that my family had to evacuate in the middle of the night because of a chemical train derailment. Two weeks ago I decided to research to find out if and when this event occurred. I was shocked to find several articles of such a derailment on May 4, 1968 a mile from my home. As a kid, I did not know where my father was that night. I only learned after his death that he, a potter, began spending nights at his studio across the valley to fire his kiln. He eventually began having affairs with his ceramic students. My mother divorced him later that year.
Thank you for your review.
Comment from Michele Harber
Oh my goodness. Your story brought tears to my eyes, and I suspect you'd have done a wonderful job telling this story onstage, as it is obviously so personal, and had such an impact on your life. You're an excellent storyteller, and had me with you at every word. Your vivid descriptions, and attention to detail, brought everything to life (to the point where I may have nightmares tonight). I wish you luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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Oh my goodness. Your story brought tears to my eyes, and I suspect you'd have done a wonderful job telling this story onstage, as it is obviously so personal, and had such an impact on your life. You're an excellent storyteller, and had me with you at every word. Your vivid descriptions, and attention to detail, brought everything to life (to the point where I may have nightmares tonight). I wish you luck in the contest!
Comment Written 12-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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Wow, Michele, what a review and a compliment. A technique I used to craft this poem was to record a draft on my iPhone and then take a two-and-a-half mile walk. I played my poem over and over again and revised it by the way it sounded. Oral storytelling is so central to this poem that I would very much like to perform this onstage. Thank you for your encouragement.
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That's an interesting way of working. I don't listen to my work often enough, I guess because I hear it so specifically in my own head but, obviously, that's no indicator of how others will hear it. I'm not quite up to the 2.5 mile walk but, otherwise, I might borrow some of your preparation methods. I do hope you get to perform this piece onstage one day.
Comment from sajeda6
This was such a sad incident. We don't want anyone to experience it but unfortunately it happens. I can actually feel your pain and other feelings you were going through. Its a detailed piece of work. You can picture what must have happened.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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This was such a sad incident. We don't want anyone to experience it but unfortunately it happens. I can actually feel your pain and other feelings you were going through. Its a detailed piece of work. You can picture what must have happened.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2018
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Yes, sajeda6, it was a horrible, sad incident to have to run for my life because of a chemical train derailment. I am glad that after half a century I can finally write about it. Thank you for giving my poem its last six star review before the certificate expired.
Comment from jaded831
Great poem. I especially like the line, "but my life had derailed". Things that happen at such a young age, haunt us is adulthood, you made that clear. I grew up I Brooklyn, New York, every day was different. Some nights peaceful, other nights loud music and gun fire.
Life definitely was not boring.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Great poem. I especially like the line, "but my life had derailed". Things that happen at such a young age, haunt us is adulthood, you made that clear. I grew up I Brooklyn, New York, every day was different. Some nights peaceful, other nights loud music and gun fire.
Life definitely was not boring.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Yes, jaded, these memories haunted me for half a century. When I tracked down newspaper when the derailment occurred, I discovered that it happened between two assassinations and while my parents were months away from divorcing. Yes, a lot of lives were being derailed during that period. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Robbie Yates
This is such a well-written poem, telling such a striking anecdote. You have harnessed the power of the words, and the metaphor of derailing, so expertly - a wonderful poem.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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This is such a well-written poem, telling such a striking anecdote. You have harnessed the power of the words, and the metaphor of derailing, so expertly - a wonderful poem.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Thank you, Robbie, for your glowing review of my poem and its use of words. I was just thinking this morning how I tweaked newspaper accounts of the derailment by using descriptive and emotional words. While the paper said gas leaked from the damaged tanker, I said it hissed, because I wanted the reviewer to think of snakes. Thanks again for noting my use of metaphor.
