Short Stories and Flash
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "The Golem Effect"Misc Fiction
6 total reviews
Comment from Scarbrems
Stunning. Absolutely stunning. You have written an incredibly absorbing tale, incorporating the modern political landscape deftly, and providing us with a future which is wither utopian or dystopian, depending on your view. Bravo, mystery writer.
  |
Stunning. Absolutely stunning. You have written an incredibly absorbing tale, incorporating the modern political landscape deftly, and providing us with a future which is wither utopian or dystopian, depending on your view. Bravo, mystery writer.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2018
Comment from poetwatch
You write the story that I wish would come true. Well, not the complete devastation of the human race for a moment of mischief, but only those that are truly evil. That should rid the population of 25% of scum. More or less. :) Good story. You might want to correct this typo, (but claims to substantiate thier stories) "their"
 |
You write the story that I wish would come true. Well, not the complete devastation of the human race for a moment of mischief, but only those that are truly evil. That should rid the population of 25% of scum. More or less. :) Good story. You might want to correct this typo, (but claims to substantiate thier stories) "their"
Comment Written 02-Aug-2018
Comment from Lady Jane
claiments - claimants
One thing the claiments lacked though(,) was a lick of proof.
claims to substantiate (thier) stories- their
no longer registers as an (offence). - offense
Try rewriting this sentence:
This was nothing new(.) Senator Gil (was a) hard-nosed, gun-tottin', Christian, family-values man, haranguing the mild-mannered Libtard who was stumping for funds to rectify some tear-inducing social injustice. - cleaning up structure
"Where is Senator Gil?", dominated the media - "Where is Senator Gil?" dominated the media. - no comma needed
Discussion had no bearing on events(,) however.
and quickly(,) too.
with the same conviction, they had seen The Golem(,) too.
Wow, just a few nits above. Not sure if you're from US so the words claimants and offense I spelled correctly as we use it in the US. I know other counters spell things differently, so I will leave those revisions up to you. The rest are just tidying up a few sentences and you'll have a fine piece of literature here. Excellent story telling ability you have. You've woven an interesting piece about the Golem Effect here. I would suggest each time you refer to the Golem Effect, or Golem, you italicize it for impact. It is an amazing idea. Well done entry here. The pace was good, information steady and forthcoming, writing overall very strong...I wish you the best of luck and should you choose to accept and revise this I will come back and upgrade starts also :) ...Janelle
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2018
|
claiments - claimants
One thing the claiments lacked though(,) was a lick of proof.
claims to substantiate (thier) stories- their
no longer registers as an (offence). - offense
Try rewriting this sentence:
This was nothing new(.) Senator Gil (was a) hard-nosed, gun-tottin', Christian, family-values man, haranguing the mild-mannered Libtard who was stumping for funds to rectify some tear-inducing social injustice. - cleaning up structure
"Where is Senator Gil?", dominated the media - "Where is Senator Gil?" dominated the media. - no comma needed
Discussion had no bearing on events(,) however.
and quickly(,) too.
with the same conviction, they had seen The Golem(,) too.
Wow, just a few nits above. Not sure if you're from US so the words claimants and offense I spelled correctly as we use it in the US. I know other counters spell things differently, so I will leave those revisions up to you. The rest are just tidying up a few sentences and you'll have a fine piece of literature here. Excellent story telling ability you have. You've woven an interesting piece about the Golem Effect here. I would suggest each time you refer to the Golem Effect, or Golem, you italicize it for impact. It is an amazing idea. Well done entry here. The pace was good, information steady and forthcoming, writing overall very strong...I wish you the best of luck and should you choose to accept and revise this I will come back and upgrade starts also :) ...Janelle
Comment Written 02-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2018
-
Fixed all except the last one, can't find it YET. I like the idea of italics too. I'll do so when I get home. Thanks for all the help. I do get the spelling mixed up with the Queen`s English due to the exposure here, AND some of their versions are more cool. LOL
-
Upgraded ;-)
Comment from Nanny 6
I only caught 1 spag...3rd paragraph..thier stories, should be their...Excellent story created from past legends. You obviously did your research, which is very informative...I love Jewish history. What a great idea to scare people into doing the right thing, or they'll just... vanish! Good job... : )
Judy
|
I only caught 1 spag...3rd paragraph..thier stories, should be their...Excellent story created from past legends. You obviously did your research, which is very informative...I love Jewish history. What a great idea to scare people into doing the right thing, or they'll just... vanish! Good job... : )
Judy
Comment Written 02-Aug-2018
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
Discussion had no bearing on events however. Regardless of our analysis, people disappeared at alarming rates. The Golem ... or The Golem Effect ... or some damn thing caused it. What it was, for all intents and purposes, was academic. To me, The Golem suited my perceptions just fine. After all, I saw it and it fit my belief parameters.
The Golem, according to lore, was some supernatural apparition that would whisk evil folk away without a trace. This was laughable to most sensible folk. To some of us, those beginning to question our sensibility, laughter didn't factor in.' I found this utterly enchanting and fascinating. It's not often a new supernatural being is revealed to me- I loved this and found it so extraordinarily interesting. A virtual six and all the very best in this contest with your wonderful write! Truly chilling xx Love and regards Meia x
|
Discussion had no bearing on events however. Regardless of our analysis, people disappeared at alarming rates. The Golem ... or The Golem Effect ... or some damn thing caused it. What it was, for all intents and purposes, was academic. To me, The Golem suited my perceptions just fine. After all, I saw it and it fit my belief parameters.
The Golem, according to lore, was some supernatural apparition that would whisk evil folk away without a trace. This was laughable to most sensible folk. To some of us, those beginning to question our sensibility, laughter didn't factor in.' I found this utterly enchanting and fascinating. It's not often a new supernatural being is revealed to me- I loved this and found it so extraordinarily interesting. A virtual six and all the very best in this contest with your wonderful write! Truly chilling xx Love and regards Meia x
Comment Written 02-Aug-2018
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Michael,
Great job with this piece. You really did take the subject mater and run with it, but crucially all the elements are there. this is one of the best uses of horror/sci-fi/speculative fiction, in that it uses the theme to talk about the now and reflect upon society or human nature.
A few little bits and pieces I noted as I read-
was grilling someone who's name escapes me now - whose in this instance.
and ... well, you saw it", - perhaps place the comma here inside the speech marks.
claws around Senator Gils throat - Gil's.
I was referring to Senator Brawlings condition - Brawlings'.
Anyone who hapened to blurt out - happened.
wherever they could find it, super markets - supermarkets could be a single word here.
The Golem became a tale to tell by camfire light - campfire?
All the best
G
|
Hi Michael,
Great job with this piece. You really did take the subject mater and run with it, but crucially all the elements are there. this is one of the best uses of horror/sci-fi/speculative fiction, in that it uses the theme to talk about the now and reflect upon society or human nature.
A few little bits and pieces I noted as I read-
was grilling someone who's name escapes me now - whose in this instance.
and ... well, you saw it", - perhaps place the comma here inside the speech marks.
claws around Senator Gils throat - Gil's.
I was referring to Senator Brawlings condition - Brawlings'.
Anyone who hapened to blurt out - happened.
wherever they could find it, super markets - supermarkets could be a single word here.
The Golem became a tale to tell by camfire light - campfire?
All the best
G
Comment Written 02-Aug-2018