Pieces of Paradise Found
What if your pieces weren't actually broken?10 total reviews
Comment from cupa tea
You've done a fantastic job writing this story. I feel as if this is real! Below I present you with a few corrections and beyond that I've put in some of my favorite pieces you've written! Good Luck in the contest! I'm giving you a six star because you deserve it...very descriptive and enjoyable to read!
The distant growl of thunder rumbled through the bedroom as well as through me.
Good heavens, my head hurt along with other parts of my body, for which I shall not mention. I rubbed my hand across my forehead as if that'd help, but it didn't, of course.
You did a fantastic bit of writing on this part!
I could still feel the visceral attraction between the two of us - his striking blue eyes boring into my mind; his hands roaming over my body; his hot breath on my neck, down my back, between my legs...Whoa! My thighs were starting to ache again as that thunder began to crawl repeatedly across the sky.
Another good piece of writing...
I inhaled his scent on the pillow on which he had lain? Slept? I wasn't sure, but it was proof outside my mind that he had actually been here with me, inside of me...
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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You've done a fantastic job writing this story. I feel as if this is real! Below I present you with a few corrections and beyond that I've put in some of my favorite pieces you've written! Good Luck in the contest! I'm giving you a six star because you deserve it...very descriptive and enjoyable to read!
The distant growl of thunder rumbled through the bedroom as well as through me.
Good heavens, my head hurt along with other parts of my body, for which I shall not mention. I rubbed my hand across my forehead as if that'd help, but it didn't, of course.
You did a fantastic bit of writing on this part!
I could still feel the visceral attraction between the two of us - his striking blue eyes boring into my mind; his hands roaming over my body; his hot breath on my neck, down my back, between my legs...Whoa! My thighs were starting to ache again as that thunder began to crawl repeatedly across the sky.
Another good piece of writing...
I inhaled his scent on the pillow on which he had lain? Slept? I wasn't sure, but it was proof outside my mind that he had actually been here with me, inside of me...
Comment Written 06-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2018
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Thank you so very much for your lovely and "make-me-smile" comments, cupa tea -- they truly mean a lot, especially on a piece that took as long as this one. :) All of my students are so very special, each in their own way, but my special students are the ones that I dream dreams for ... so unique and smart and entertaining and.....well, I could go on and on!!! :) ;) And I do so appreciate those 6-starry accolades!! :) ;) Here's wishing for you an enchanted evening of swaths of stars that twinkle to the cricket and katydid choir!! :) ;) Yvette :)
Comment from giraffmang
Very inventive piece and certainly different from the other entrants I've read for this competition. different interpretation of the angels which may not sit well with some folks, as conquering force for dominion... hmm, interesting.
few things I noticed as I read for you to do what you will with-
A clinking from the kitchen broke through my thoughts and the resonating bass from outside - this is not particularly believable. Jets cause an immense amount of noise, clinking would certainly be drowned out.
Squeezing my eyes shut to steady myself, I forced myself to walk quickly past the unfinished bed, tip-toeing from the bedroom to peak into the kitchen.- with eyes closed?
"You and I are more alike than you know, precious," that was the first time he had used that declaration, "What you - technically 'what' should be lower case here. It is continuing dialogue where the previous dialogue, tag and sentence have not been closed off.
I noticed a tendency to rely on adverbs in places. these can show a weakness in verb choice.
There, although it was neither sunrise nor sunset - this line may cause an issue. One of the conditions of the scenario is for it to be set in the dim light of dawn... parachutes are seen, may not be an issue but I thought I'd mention it.
and my stomach heave as pulled my focus past my finger, - feels like a word may be missing here.
"Because of all this...," he swiped - you don't need the comma when using the ellipsis here.
grabbed hold of Michael's jeans, my body simply needing that anchor as the events played out in front of me.- is the double meaning here intentional? that anchor? (given the sexual nature of their encounter at the counter.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2018
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Very inventive piece and certainly different from the other entrants I've read for this competition. different interpretation of the angels which may not sit well with some folks, as conquering force for dominion... hmm, interesting.
few things I noticed as I read for you to do what you will with-
A clinking from the kitchen broke through my thoughts and the resonating bass from outside - this is not particularly believable. Jets cause an immense amount of noise, clinking would certainly be drowned out.
Squeezing my eyes shut to steady myself, I forced myself to walk quickly past the unfinished bed, tip-toeing from the bedroom to peak into the kitchen.- with eyes closed?
"You and I are more alike than you know, precious," that was the first time he had used that declaration, "What you - technically 'what' should be lower case here. It is continuing dialogue where the previous dialogue, tag and sentence have not been closed off.
I noticed a tendency to rely on adverbs in places. these can show a weakness in verb choice.
There, although it was neither sunrise nor sunset - this line may cause an issue. One of the conditions of the scenario is for it to be set in the dim light of dawn... parachutes are seen, may not be an issue but I thought I'd mention it.
and my stomach heave as pulled my focus past my finger, - feels like a word may be missing here.
"Because of all this...," he swiped - you don't need the comma when using the ellipsis here.
grabbed hold of Michael's jeans, my body simply needing that anchor as the events played out in front of me.- is the double meaning here intentional? that anchor? (given the sexual nature of their encounter at the counter.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 27-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2018
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Thank you so very much for your review, giraffmang - I do so appreciate your taking the time to actually read through and critique my work! :) :) I went through and implemented a few mods here and there based on your comments, pretty much addressing all save one -- so, again, thank you so much! :) :)
I have a confession to make (which may or may not have affected the appearance of many of these), and this is not an excuse so much as a 'duh! thing', but in the days I was working on this and even up until last night as I answered a review, I had it in my brain (blonde brain, so that may be the root of the problem - LOL) that my word count limit was 3000. As such, my entire last day before posting was spent going through the piece and re-wording/eliminating/re-phrasing to get the count to that WRONG magic number! :) :) C'est la vie, oui?!! :) :) :) :) I figured the entire angle of the piece (as with many of my weird musings and daydreams) wouldn't catch on anyway, but once an idea gets in my brain complete with characters, it/they won't leave me alone until I put everything on paper (and sometimes they holler for more - scary, right?)!! ;) ;)
Again, I do so very much appreciate your critique and wish you a wonderful weekend of cool breezes and aimless stargazing!! :) ;)
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Yuck! and double yuck! I have no idea why he would stick his finger in spit, but it's your story so I'll just go along with it. This is a very long post. Most readers won't review a post this long. It could have been split into three chapters and you would get more reviews,
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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Yuck! and double yuck! I have no idea why he would stick his finger in spit, but it's your story so I'll just go along with it. This is a very long post. Most readers won't review a post this long. It could have been split into three chapters and you would get more reviews,
Comment Written 26-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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Thank you for your review, Thomas, although I honestly have no idea of what you are speaking with the spit....maybe go back and re-read?? :) :) And the length was as recommended for the contest: 2000-3500 words...my post was 3000. I appreciate your taking the time to slog through it, though.... :/ :) :)
Comment from country ranch writer
SHE AND MICHEL WOULD SOON BE PARENTS OF THE MOST DISTINCT ONE OF A KIND.A NEW GENERATION OF ANGELS WOULD BE BORN HERE ON EARTH.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2018
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SHE AND MICHEL WOULD SOON BE PARENTS OF THE MOST DISTINCT ONE OF A KIND.A NEW GENERATION OF ANGELS WOULD BE BORN HERE ON EARTH.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2018
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Okay, so I'm hoping the all caps means you enjoyed it......? :) :) :) :) Thank you for your review and for those wonderful stars - I so very much appreciate your taking the time to actually read through the piece (it was so long because it's a contest entry so, sorry for that). :) :) Here's wishing you a wonderful weekend filled with cool grass under your feet during aimless stargazing! :) :)
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Have problems with my eyes makes it blurry some times for me to read
Comment from Ogden
Frankly, I don't know how to review this piece - but since I read it carefully to its conclusion, I thought I should try, anyhow.
First of all, I suspect it's fictional. If not, what would you be doing wasting your time on Fanstory with that immortal hunk waiting for you, especially, given his predilections and your promiscuity?
Okay, so it is fiction, albeit rather farfetched. You have an innovative and vivid imagination. But why should I go on, as I also suspect you peeked at the rating, and there is no point in struggling further with this review.
Let the voters evaluate, and good luck in the contest! Whew!
Don
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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Frankly, I don't know how to review this piece - but since I read it carefully to its conclusion, I thought I should try, anyhow.
First of all, I suspect it's fictional. If not, what would you be doing wasting your time on Fanstory with that immortal hunk waiting for you, especially, given his predilections and your promiscuity?
Okay, so it is fiction, albeit rather farfetched. You have an innovative and vivid imagination. But why should I go on, as I also suspect you peeked at the rating, and there is no point in struggling further with this review.
Let the voters evaluate, and good luck in the contest! Whew!
Don
Comment Written 26-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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Wow, Don! :) :) For saying you don't know how to review it, I so very much appreciate that you did!! :) :) And you got me on the fictional -- I'm married (no promiscuity as I'm all about the 'til death do us part' thing) and while he's my wonderful husband, an immortal hunk he is not. :) :) :) And, also guilty as charged on the vivid and, yeah, I'll say it, outlandish imagination -- it's always been my daydream escape valve, I've only discovered the joy of putting it on paper over the past few years. :) :) I'm one of those people, though, that gets so wrapped up in my characters that, once I they're created in my head, I need to put them on paper so that they'll leave me alone....at least for a little while!:) :) Thank you again for the awesome review...wish I could get more reviews just to know what folks think, but, hey! I'm certainly glad you took the time to read my work -- thank you, thank you!! :) :) May you have a wonderful weekend filled with stargazing and cool breezes!
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You're very welcome, anonymous poet, and thank you for your wonderful weekend wishes.
Don
Comment from diamondbogle
I really liked this! It was very well thought out and put together. I enjoyed the simplicity of it. Also very matter of fact and to the point. Overall really well done.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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I really liked this! It was very well thought out and put together. I enjoyed the simplicity of it. Also very matter of fact and to the point. Overall really well done.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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Really...that was simple...? Oka-a-a-ay......glad you enjoyed it...
Thank you for your review.
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Yes it was simple. It had hardly any flourishing words that were useless to the story. The story was simple and concise. You put it together nicely. No big sentences squashed together that make things hard to read, no fluffy words. I didn?t mean the story was simple in plot or anything like that. I meant it was simple, to the point writing which made it enjoyable. I have an issue with depth perception and light variance in my eyes which makes reading from a laptop or phone difficult for me sometimes so I like writing that doesn?t require me to focus on the words. I want to be able to read a story without being confused, which is what I got with yours. I enjoyed the story.
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Wow! Okay then! I really meant no offense by the response....it was just "out of place" with the few others the piece had received. Most of my works get the "how odd" or "that's not how I would have seen it" or the occasional "different" (which are all most likely true, I suppose) so, I apologize for misinterpreting your short phrases. :) :) :) Many wishes for a wonderful remainder of the week, Diamond, filled with cool breezes and birdsong! :) :)
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I wasn?t meaning anything by it! I was afraid I?d offended you!, so I figured if better explain what I meant :) I kind of enjoy reading the strange and ?out there? stuff!
Have a great day!!!
Comment from Annika Fiercely
Absolutely fantastic! The writing really drew me in; the pacing was really excellent, the descriptions are vivid and resonant. I love how the details of the war outside echo the sexy details inside, which highlights the theme of this intimacy having a much greater import. The writing is clean and engaging and drew me along to the conclusion and then I immediately wanted to read it again to see how the details supported the end reveal, which was very rewarding. It works on several levels and it made me want more.
I would suggest that: "His smile in response to my amazed nod was swoon-worthy" is a little over-written and I'd possibly try to rewrite the sentence to focus on Charlie's reaction like 'I nodded in amazement and he smiled; my knees went weak'.
Great job!
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2018
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Absolutely fantastic! The writing really drew me in; the pacing was really excellent, the descriptions are vivid and resonant. I love how the details of the war outside echo the sexy details inside, which highlights the theme of this intimacy having a much greater import. The writing is clean and engaging and drew me along to the conclusion and then I immediately wanted to read it again to see how the details supported the end reveal, which was very rewarding. It works on several levels and it made me want more.
I would suggest that: "His smile in response to my amazed nod was swoon-worthy" is a little over-written and I'd possibly try to rewrite the sentence to focus on Charlie's reaction like 'I nodded in amazement and he smiled; my knees went weak'.
Great job!
Comment Written 24-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2018
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Thank you very much for your review, Annika -- I am so very appreciative that you took the time to read my work...and that you enjoyed it!! :) :) I tend to get wrapped up in my characters until I "post", and even then I don't think I ever truly let them go -- LOL! :) :) Oh, and I went in and made an alteration to that part...let me know what you think! :) :) Thanx for those beautiful stars and have a wonderful week! :) :)
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I think being wrapped up in your characters is a good sign that you're creating something authentic. Glad you found my review helpful; I like the change you made.
Have a great week too!
Comment from Swampfox1
It is always a good idea when you list acronyms to spell out the first use and then put the initials in parentheses. As with your usage of OCD. The proper way to do it is : "It was one of a thousand Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) issues that I was in constant pursuit of overcoming. Your readers that do not have OCD will be grateful to you. Your story is well written, it flows very well, and it isn't even my favorite genre of writing. Doing a great job. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful rest of the week.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2018
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It is always a good idea when you list acronyms to spell out the first use and then put the initials in parentheses. As with your usage of OCD. The proper way to do it is : "It was one of a thousand Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) issues that I was in constant pursuit of overcoming. Your readers that do not have OCD will be grateful to you. Your story is well written, it flows very well, and it isn't even my favorite genre of writing. Doing a great job. Thanks for sharing. Have a wonderful rest of the week.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2018
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Thank you very much for your review -- I am so very appreciative that you took the time to read my work...and that you enjoyed it!! :) :) I tend to get wrapped up in my characters until I "post", and even then I don't think I ever truly let them go -- LOL! :) :) Oh, and I went in and made an alteration to that part...let me know what you think! :) :) Thanx for those beautiful stars and have a wonderful week! :) :)
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You are very welcome. Going in now to check it out, and it looks great. Have a blessed day and a great rest of your week, also.
Comment from RFL
Wow! I am at a loss for words after reading the intriguing, creative, and emotive piece of writing. Because this is a contest entry, I don't know who you are, but am looking forward to finding out when the contest is over. You captured me. I was going to go do something else before I finished reading, but I could not stop. So, the bottom line is that you are a very talented writer. The setting, the description of the characters, the suspense you created -- all are strengths. I have no recommendations for enhancement. This is a terrific story. Best, RFL
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2018
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Wow! I am at a loss for words after reading the intriguing, creative, and emotive piece of writing. Because this is a contest entry, I don't know who you are, but am looking forward to finding out when the contest is over. You captured me. I was going to go do something else before I finished reading, but I could not stop. So, the bottom line is that you are a very talented writer. The setting, the description of the characters, the suspense you created -- all are strengths. I have no recommendations for enhancement. This is a terrific story. Best, RFL
Comment Written 24-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2018
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Oh my goodness -- you made my day, RFL!!! Those stars are awesome!! Thank you very much for your review, and I am so very appreciative that you took the time to read my work...and that you enjoyed it so much!! :) :) I tend to get wrapped up in my characters until I "post", and even then I don't think I ever truly let them go -- LOL! :) :) I hope they didn't keep you from accomplishing something important...they do that to me sometimes, you know?!! :) :) :) :) Thanx again for your enthusiasm and have a wonderful week ahead! :) :)
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Happy to make your day special. :) Please let me know who you are when the contest is over so that I may follow your writing. Thank you. RFL
Comment from Phillip C Kuhn
Quite an amusing read, it was different for what I would expect from the contest description but I enjoyed it, well worded with tons of imagery, great work and thanks for sharing
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2018
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Quite an amusing read, it was different for what I would expect from the contest description but I enjoyed it, well worded with tons of imagery, great work and thanks for sharing
Comment Written 24-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2018
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Thank you for your review, Phillip -- I very much appreciate your taking the time to read and analyze my work. :) Am certainly glad it amused you. :) :) :) Have a great rest of the week!
