Metaphorical Seas
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Late Autumn Afternoon"a series of blank impressions
25 total reviews
Comment from RGstar
This is beautiful, well done..just Came to have a look because of the award and was not disappointed. I love beautiful writing, and this was...a few adjectives in a couple of places, but on the whole, well worth the seal....a pleasure reading it.
Congrats.
MY best wishes.
RGstar
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2020
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This is beautiful, well done..just Came to have a look because of the award and was not disappointed. I love beautiful writing, and this was...a few adjectives in a couple of places, but on the whole, well worth the seal....a pleasure reading it.
Congrats.
MY best wishes.
RGstar
Comment Written 25-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2020
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Hello RGS
Thank you for this. I appreciate your thoughts and the encouragement.
I wish you well with your own writing in return.
cheers
phill
Comment from H. Darwin Reeves
Nicely done. You've done a great job in painting the scenes with words.
I especially like the third stanza and your description of the approaching nightfall.
Thanks for your work.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2020
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Nicely done. You've done a great job in painting the scenes with words.
I especially like the third stanza and your description of the approaching nightfall.
Thanks for your work.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2020
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Hello to you
...and I thank you for your receptive review.
Enjoy your writing
cheers
phill
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Ssssssuperb. Congrats on your recognition for your well-earned seal of approval, Phill. I second the motion for sure. The imagery is startling: vivid, elegant, lyrical. Cheers. LIZ
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2020
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Ssssssuperb. Congrats on your recognition for your well-earned seal of approval, Phill. I second the motion for sure. The imagery is startling: vivid, elegant, lyrical. Cheers. LIZ
Comment Written 22-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2020
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Hello Liz
I trust that this reply finds you well.
This is very kind of you and I am grateful for your rewarding response.
I wish you safe and well and the very best with your own writing.
cheers
phill
Comment from Mary Furlong
Six stars seems redundant in light of your other honors congratulations six times over. This poem is amazing as they all must be. Too many wonderful phrases to mention. I have bookcased it so that I can read it again and again.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2020
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Six stars seems redundant in light of your other honors congratulations six times over. This poem is amazing as they all must be. Too many wonderful phrases to mention. I have bookcased it so that I can read it again and again.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2020
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Hello Mary
I am honoured (and flattered, but mostly honoured). I am very grateful indeed for your kindness and your motivating response to these pieces.
I wish you and your family safe and well, and I wish you the best with your own continued work, which I enjoy reading.
Cheers
phill
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Hello Mary
You have sent a blank message? Did you mean to?
cheers
phill
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No, I didn?t mean to. Blank is just my morning persona. Have a good day.
Comment from Robbie Yates
I hope I've understood your request - I would tweak the punctuation by adding the three commas marked in brackets below (but commas are often subject to some artistic licence, so this is just what I would do):
Nearby, below a span of whittled trees, the leaves conduct a dry and hobbled dance where husks corrode; their ripened spoils unbound(,) to burrow in the wealth of rotted earth(,) or snag upon the tangled manes of beasts. Beneath this leafless latticework of boughs, the amber hours track a breaching sun(,) which rests against a dapple-collared trunk and sets the dun-dark bark in soft relief - a pastel gild of mottle-flecked decay, of lichen's eau-de-nil and whiskered moss.
Lovely poem; your rhythm was wonderful and imagery was sublime.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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I hope I've understood your request - I would tweak the punctuation by adding the three commas marked in brackets below (but commas are often subject to some artistic licence, so this is just what I would do):
Nearby, below a span of whittled trees, the leaves conduct a dry and hobbled dance where husks corrode; their ripened spoils unbound(,) to burrow in the wealth of rotted earth(,) or snag upon the tangled manes of beasts. Beneath this leafless latticework of boughs, the amber hours track a breaching sun(,) which rests against a dapple-collared trunk and sets the dun-dark bark in soft relief - a pastel gild of mottle-flecked decay, of lichen's eau-de-nil and whiskered moss.
Lovely poem; your rhythm was wonderful and imagery was sublime.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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Hello Robbie
I am very grateful for the review and the guidance. I dither something rotten with punctuation but I have received many kind comments and suggestions for several writers like yourself. I will incorporate these collectively in a single revision.
Again, I am grateful for your time and encouragement.
I wish you well with your own writing.
cheers
phill
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Ah, you're too hard on yourself - I don't think any of the commas I suggested are objectively better than not using them, I would just find it easier to read that way. Your poem was fantastic in its original form - it can only get better with others' feedback, I suppose! Well done on being so very committed to excellence!
Comment from Craigitar
So, this is what a flawlessly detailed painting put to verse looks like! Brilliant! Once I figured out that this piece was not telling a story, per se, but was examining the sensual nuances of a "Late Autumn Afternoon", I allowed myself to be amazed by its rich and descriptive imagery.
As for suggestions about punctuation, you're talking the wrong guy--I frequently agonize over this aspect of writing. However, if I were to put my 2 cents in (which, realistically, is at best worth almost a penny), I'd look at the line: "...and(,) coddled(,) seeds content themselves to dream...", and I'd drop both parenthesized commas. Of course I may not be reading this the way you meant it to be read, but this is the one spot that jumped out as possibly needing some attention--just my opinion.
Great writing here. All the best. Craig
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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So, this is what a flawlessly detailed painting put to verse looks like! Brilliant! Once I figured out that this piece was not telling a story, per se, but was examining the sensual nuances of a "Late Autumn Afternoon", I allowed myself to be amazed by its rich and descriptive imagery.
As for suggestions about punctuation, you're talking the wrong guy--I frequently agonize over this aspect of writing. However, if I were to put my 2 cents in (which, realistically, is at best worth almost a penny), I'd look at the line: "...and(,) coddled(,) seeds content themselves to dream...", and I'd drop both parenthesized commas. Of course I may not be reading this the way you meant it to be read, but this is the one spot that jumped out as possibly needing some attention--just my opinion.
Great writing here. All the best. Craig
Comment Written 14-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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Hello Craigitar
This is very heartening - firstly, thanks for the encouraging review and the time you gave the piece, I really do appreciate both - particularly your time. However, the heartening bit is that you battle with punctuation too: it really is a bane. That one comma (before 'coddled') has been in and out more often than a left foot doing the hokey pokey.
I wish you all the best with your own writing.
cheers
phill
Comment from Air Spirit
This is exquisite! Your words paint pictures of a journey filled with vivid colors, sights and sounds, and is alive with vivid imagery -- descriptive of nature in all of its glory and splendor... from your beautiful rendition of the sun and road you walk upon "...at noon, the season's slanted sun defines a cider-yellow road with ashen banks. A rutted bevel, like a slumbered snake, it slithers through the grasslands, through the cleft between the hills that summer burned away..." to the description of the trees that line your path "...a span of whittled trees, the leaves conduct a dry and hobbled dance where husks corrode; their ripened spoils unbound to burrow in the wealth of rotted earth or snag upon the tangled manes of beasts...." the phrase 'leaves conduct a dry and hobbled dance' is unbelievable descriptive and creative, as it turns your words into a living, flowing, mellifluous liquid picture and sound... that rolls with you on this journey, from start to end... This truly is a 'work of art.' I am going to 'bookmark' this so I can read it over, and over again... this is truly a masterful piece! Bravo!
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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This is exquisite! Your words paint pictures of a journey filled with vivid colors, sights and sounds, and is alive with vivid imagery -- descriptive of nature in all of its glory and splendor... from your beautiful rendition of the sun and road you walk upon "...at noon, the season's slanted sun defines a cider-yellow road with ashen banks. A rutted bevel, like a slumbered snake, it slithers through the grasslands, through the cleft between the hills that summer burned away..." to the description of the trees that line your path "...a span of whittled trees, the leaves conduct a dry and hobbled dance where husks corrode; their ripened spoils unbound to burrow in the wealth of rotted earth or snag upon the tangled manes of beasts...." the phrase 'leaves conduct a dry and hobbled dance' is unbelievable descriptive and creative, as it turns your words into a living, flowing, mellifluous liquid picture and sound... that rolls with you on this journey, from start to end... This truly is a 'work of art.' I am going to 'bookmark' this so I can read it over, and over again... this is truly a masterful piece! Bravo!
Comment Written 14-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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Hello Air Spirit
I am very grateful for your kind words and encouragement. Pieces like this take me such a long time to write and revise (and revise and revise...) and although I do enjoy that process it is a greater reward to think that someone derived pleasure from the reading of it. I cannot thank you enough for the time you spent on this.
I wish you well with your own writing.
cheers
phill
Comment from rama devi
Impressive eloquence and imagery. WOW! So many lines to praise and nuances to note, with masterful poetic devices woven in, but I'll let those six stars applaud them all and take time to offer a few suggestions regarding punctuation, as per the request in your notes to punctuate it like prose.
At noon(,) the season's slanted sun defines
a cider-yellow road with ashen banks.
A rutted bevel, like a slumbered snake(,)
it slithers through the grasslands,(no ,) through the cleft
between the hills which(that instead of which) summer burned away.
Nearby, below a span of whittled trees,
the leaves conduct a dry and hobbled dance
where husks corrode; their ripened spoils unbound
to burrow in the wealth of rotted earth
or snag upon the tangled manes of beasts.
Beneath this leafless latticework of boughs,
the amber hours track a breaching sun(,)
which rests against a dapple-collared trunk
and sets the dun-dark bark in soft relief;(consider dash)
a pastel gild of mottle-flecked decay,
of lichen's eau-de-nil and whiskered moss.
A mellow haze unfolds, confounding tones
until the muted bronze of perished time
accumulates and permeates the soil -
the burnished tints of autumn's sombre brush.
The world exhales; the stilted sunlight sets
and(,) coddled, seeds content themselves to dream
while charcoal ribbons race from naked trees
and sharply bear away from day's descent.
Across the distant stubble, drowned in mist,
day flounders in sloe creeks - a darkness sprung
from deltas which advance a twilight sea.
Contrived in close conspiracies of shade(,)
a lace of frost succeeds the dying light
and, pinned with stars, the night consumes the road.
The metaphorical nuance is profound. Brilliant. A polished delivery.
Favorite sections...this whole stanza:
Beneath this leafless latticework of boughs,
the amber hours track a breaching sun
which rests against a dapple-collared trunk
and sets the dun-dark bark in soft relief;
a pastel gild of mottle-flecked decay,
of lichen's eau-de-nil and whiskered moss
A mellow haze unfolds, confounding tones
until the muted bronze of perished time
accumulates and permeates the soil -
the burnished tints of autumn's sombre brush.
And these lines as well:
The world exhales; the stilted sunlight sets
AND
while charcoal ribbons race from naked trees
and sharply bear away from day's descent.
And the awesome closing:
Contrived in close conspiracies of shade
a lace of frost succeeds the dying light
and, pinned with stars, the night consumes the road.
Loved reading this aloud (twice!)
Bravo
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
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Impressive eloquence and imagery. WOW! So many lines to praise and nuances to note, with masterful poetic devices woven in, but I'll let those six stars applaud them all and take time to offer a few suggestions regarding punctuation, as per the request in your notes to punctuate it like prose.
At noon(,) the season's slanted sun defines
a cider-yellow road with ashen banks.
A rutted bevel, like a slumbered snake(,)
it slithers through the grasslands,(no ,) through the cleft
between the hills which(that instead of which) summer burned away.
Nearby, below a span of whittled trees,
the leaves conduct a dry and hobbled dance
where husks corrode; their ripened spoils unbound
to burrow in the wealth of rotted earth
or snag upon the tangled manes of beasts.
Beneath this leafless latticework of boughs,
the amber hours track a breaching sun(,)
which rests against a dapple-collared trunk
and sets the dun-dark bark in soft relief;(consider dash)
a pastel gild of mottle-flecked decay,
of lichen's eau-de-nil and whiskered moss.
A mellow haze unfolds, confounding tones
until the muted bronze of perished time
accumulates and permeates the soil -
the burnished tints of autumn's sombre brush.
The world exhales; the stilted sunlight sets
and(,) coddled, seeds content themselves to dream
while charcoal ribbons race from naked trees
and sharply bear away from day's descent.
Across the distant stubble, drowned in mist,
day flounders in sloe creeks - a darkness sprung
from deltas which advance a twilight sea.
Contrived in close conspiracies of shade(,)
a lace of frost succeeds the dying light
and, pinned with stars, the night consumes the road.
The metaphorical nuance is profound. Brilliant. A polished delivery.
Favorite sections...this whole stanza:
Beneath this leafless latticework of boughs,
the amber hours track a breaching sun
which rests against a dapple-collared trunk
and sets the dun-dark bark in soft relief;
a pastel gild of mottle-flecked decay,
of lichen's eau-de-nil and whiskered moss
A mellow haze unfolds, confounding tones
until the muted bronze of perished time
accumulates and permeates the soil -
the burnished tints of autumn's sombre brush.
And these lines as well:
The world exhales; the stilted sunlight sets
AND
while charcoal ribbons race from naked trees
and sharply bear away from day's descent.
And the awesome closing:
Contrived in close conspiracies of shade
a lace of frost succeeds the dying light
and, pinned with stars, the night consumes the road.
Loved reading this aloud (twice!)
Bravo
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 13-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
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Hello RD
Well, what can I say?
Firstly, I really appreciate the authoritative assistance with the punctuation. Written poetry is very dependent on it and I get so lost in the construction that eventually I only ever see flaws - the comma before 'coddled' has been in and out like the cuckoo on a clock at midnight.
Secondly, and as (if not more) importantly, I appreciate the time and effort you have put into reviewing this for me. You will know from your own writing that you need only reach one reader and it makes sense, so thank you for the affirmation and encouragement.
You are rightly respected on the site.
I wish you well in your won writing and I will address the punctuation issues in this piece later today.
My warmest regards
phill
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Aw, thanks for your super gracious and encouraging response, dear Phil. Touched! Grateful! Wish you well, too.
Warmest Regards,
rd
Comment from Joan E.
I admired your vivid descriptions of the scenes in this blank verse. You had me with your alliteration of "s's" in the opening stanza. I could visualize the "whittled trees" and "tangled manes". I relished your use of personification in the third stanza also. Well done- Joan
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
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I admired your vivid descriptions of the scenes in this blank verse. You had me with your alliteration of "s's" in the opening stanza. I could visualize the "whittled trees" and "tangled manes". I relished your use of personification in the third stanza also. Well done- Joan
Comment Written 13-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
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Hello Joan
Many thanks for your time and the warm review.
I wish you well with your own writing
cheers
phill
Comment from dragonpoet
This poem uses many metaphors, colorful language to create a strong image of
a stormy autumn night or maybe just a person's stormy mind.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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This poem uses many metaphors, colorful language to create a strong image of
a stormy autumn night or maybe just a person's stormy mind.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
Comment Written 13-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Hello DP
Thank you for the kind review
I wish you well with your own writing
cheers
phill
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My pleasure. Same you you, Phil. Have a great weekend.
Joan