A lost sandal
Short story /Through the eyes of a child10 total reviews
Comment from Mark Valentine
I'm in awe of this one! By choosing to view migration through the eyes of a child, you make the reader cut through all of the political and partisan rhetoric that bombards us, and get right to the humanity of the issue. Your small examples (boys who chase lizards, girls who are excited about their upcoming birthdays, etc.) illustrate that all children at base have the same innocence and wishes - it therefore highlights the tragedy of circumstances conspiring to rob children of those childhoods.
You perfectly capture the POV of the child here - brilliant!
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I'm in awe of this one! By choosing to view migration through the eyes of a child, you make the reader cut through all of the political and partisan rhetoric that bombards us, and get right to the humanity of the issue. Your small examples (boys who chase lizards, girls who are excited about their upcoming birthdays, etc.) illustrate that all children at base have the same innocence and wishes - it therefore highlights the tragedy of circumstances conspiring to rob children of those childhoods.
You perfectly capture the POV of the child here - brilliant!
Comment Written 13-Jul-2018
Comment from Liz O'Neill
With the state the world is in today, this becomes a very universal story. What a tribute to the displaced children in the world who won't have birthday cake. And to the grieving mothers who have no answer nor cake for their deserving child. It is a dark story from the soul and heart of a child full of light which is slowly being snuffed out. This is a strong consciousness raising theme. Hopefully this will give readers pause for thought. Well written
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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With the state the world is in today, this becomes a very universal story. What a tribute to the displaced children in the world who won't have birthday cake. And to the grieving mothers who have no answer nor cake for their deserving child. It is a dark story from the soul and heart of a child full of light which is slowly being snuffed out. This is a strong consciousness raising theme. Hopefully this will give readers pause for thought. Well written
Comment Written 11-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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A most encouraging review ..zanya
Comment from Nanny 6
Oh..... This is such a sad story. To wake up to a life changing situation, which could possibly be dangerous, and truly sad for a family. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring...and a mother's broken heart, when she can't provide a birthday cake for her precious child. You told your story well. Good luck in the contest!
Judy
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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Oh..... This is such a sad story. To wake up to a life changing situation, which could possibly be dangerous, and truly sad for a family. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring...and a mother's broken heart, when she can't provide a birthday cake for her precious child. You told your story well. Good luck in the contest!
Judy
Comment Written 11-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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Thanks for reading and the positive view s zanya
Comment from Bill Schott
This is a powerful look at the human tragedy that these families are going through as they flee terrorism to meet new terrors in the United States.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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This is a powerful look at the human tragedy that these families are going through as they flee terrorism to meet new terrors in the United States.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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Great review -thanks for reading zanya
Comment from JDRBAR
This depicts something extremely sad happening, but it doesn't give the reader any clue as to what it is. A nine year old child would have more knowledge of this. What were they running from?
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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This depicts something extremely sad happening, but it doesn't give the reader any clue as to what it is. A nine year old child would have more knowledge of this. What were they running from?
Comment Written 09-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2018
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Thanks for reading zanya
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This is a much larger tale here that is left 'between the lines'. What is here is enough to give the backstory and other elements of the now. It's well down and very emotive.
We are walking now for about two days - I think this is slightly off here. Maybe a slight adjustment to something like - We've been walking for about two days now.
There are a few places where you have double spacing between the words. nothing major though.
Very nice
GMG
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Hi there,
This is a much larger tale here that is left 'between the lines'. What is here is enough to give the backstory and other elements of the now. It's well down and very emotive.
We are walking now for about two days - I think this is slightly off here. Maybe a slight adjustment to something like - We've been walking for about two days now.
There are a few places where you have double spacing between the words. nothing major though.
Very nice
GMG
Comment Written 08-Jul-2018
Comment from royowen
Yes, this is good, it's funny how the beautful children view the world, it's cherry cake and church on Sunday's, the cruelty of man is a complete and utter mystery to a child. Well done, a marvellous entry in this contest, good luck, blessings, Roy
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Yes, this is good, it's funny how the beautful children view the world, it's cherry cake and church on Sunday's, the cruelty of man is a complete and utter mystery to a child. Well done, a marvellous entry in this contest, good luck, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 07-Jul-2018
Comment from Xia Thornwood
Your story is emotional and touching. The flow was a little choppy, especially because of the tense changes. It may be helpful to use one consistent tense to make it smoother. "I" is not capitalized when Laya goes to find her sandal. A few times your sentence had no subject, such as, "Wants to be an animal doctor." This may have been purposeful to create the tone, but the subjectless sentences sounded like a teenager, whereas the rest sounded like a younger child. One last thing, the switching between the past and the present happenings is not clearly delineated. Otherwise, though, I like your story. The child's voice, not understanding what's happening, was well brought out. Nice job.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2018
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Your story is emotional and touching. The flow was a little choppy, especially because of the tense changes. It may be helpful to use one consistent tense to make it smoother. "I" is not capitalized when Laya goes to find her sandal. A few times your sentence had no subject, such as, "Wants to be an animal doctor." This may have been purposeful to create the tone, but the subjectless sentences sounded like a teenager, whereas the rest sounded like a younger child. One last thing, the switching between the past and the present happenings is not clearly delineated. Otherwise, though, I like your story. The child's voice, not understanding what's happening, was well brought out. Nice job.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2018
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Superb review -Much appreciated zanya
Comment from RodG
I like how you set the scene early with the child's response to her mother's plea to find the sandal. We learn quickly about what the child and mother (and earlier the father) are doing--fleeing to a new country. But your flashbacks interrupt the flow of the story, especially the last one about the birthday cake. Put that one earlier and end the story with the child's reaction to the flashing blue and orange light.
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I like how you set the scene early with the child's response to her mother's plea to find the sandal. We learn quickly about what the child and mother (and earlier the father) are doing--fleeing to a new country. But your flashbacks interrupt the flow of the story, especially the last one about the birthday cake. Put that one earlier and end the story with the child's reaction to the flashing blue and orange light.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2018
Comment from meeshu
this is a compelling story but I don't understand why this journey is necessary? am I to believe they are seeking asylum from cherry cake and lemonade? no wonder the border is so crowded..
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this is a compelling story but I don't understand why this journey is necessary? am I to believe they are seeking asylum from cherry cake and lemonade? no wonder the border is so crowded..
Comment Written 07-Jul-2018