Fortune Cookies
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "The Fortune Pt.2"A Romantic, Superhero-like, Geek Horror story.
6 total reviews
Comment from w.j.debi
Now this is a cliffhanger ending. If the cookie is telling his fortune then Eu El has some kind of trouble headed his way, and just how soon? O if his friend is right then it is just a random word and no worries.
The conversation flows well and seems like the random sort of subject college aged people would share, with a bit of taunting and teasing. But you also throw in a bit of mystery to keep the reader interested and guessing.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2018
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Now this is a cliffhanger ending. If the cookie is telling his fortune then Eu El has some kind of trouble headed his way, and just how soon? O if his friend is right then it is just a random word and no worries.
The conversation flows well and seems like the random sort of subject college aged people would share, with a bit of taunting and teasing. But you also throw in a bit of mystery to keep the reader interested and guessing.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2018
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Thank you! I appreciate your insight to this. It's a developing story. Chapter 10 is almost ready. Hope you stick around to find out what happens next.
Comment from lyenochka
Sorry I didn't read part 1 but I like the dialogue here. I feel like your write more as a script because all the verbs seem to be in the present tense and you're describing the interaction.
I liked the metaphor of the fortune cookie to Eu El and the statement, "in Asia you are not considered Asian because you were raised in America. And, in America, you are not considered as American " really resonated with me.
"before sighing a breathe of " (breath)
" And, I never read " (no comma needed)
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2018
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Sorry I didn't read part 1 but I like the dialogue here. I feel like your write more as a script because all the verbs seem to be in the present tense and you're describing the interaction.
I liked the metaphor of the fortune cookie to Eu El and the statement, "in Asia you are not considered Asian because you were raised in America. And, in America, you are not considered as American " really resonated with me.
"before sighing a breathe of " (breath)
" And, I never read " (no comma needed)
Comment Written 30-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2018
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Hi, thank you for your kind message and review. It?s written more toward the middle school age audience. Therefore, I try and simplify the voice, but hold onto the descriptive side of it. I hope to promote a sense of cultural education and sensitivity toward the Asian American culture with this project. Thank you for your support.
Comment from kahpot
Excellent and I am glad I caught the first part because now I am really into this story, I like where ( I think) this might be heading very well done and I hope there is more soon****kahpot
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2018
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Excellent and I am glad I caught the first part because now I am really into this story, I like where ( I think) this might be heading very well done and I hope there is more soon****kahpot
Comment Written 30-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2018
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Awesome, kahpot! I?m hoping this project entertains and at the same time contribute to the need for cultural sensitivity/education toward the Asian American culture. Your support and interest are valuable to me. Thank you!
Comment from Rasmine
Hello, Cybertron, :)
How are you doing? Good chapter. I think I know where you are going with this, but not sure. Guess I will know in your next chapter.
Have a good weekend. Be careful in the real bad heat if you are in the path of the American heatwave.
:D
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2018
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Hello, Cybertron, :)
How are you doing? Good chapter. I think I know where you are going with this, but not sure. Guess I will know in your next chapter.
Have a good weekend. Be careful in the real bad heat if you are in the path of the American heatwave.
:D
Comment Written 30-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2018
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Hi, Rasmine. Thank you for the uplifting rating. It?s nice to hear both your review and salutations :)
I?ll be sure to prepare a jug of lemonade. Thank you, and hope that you do the same.
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Hi, Rasmine. Thank you for the uplifting rating. It?s nice to hear both your review and salutations :)
I?ll be sure to prepare a jug of lemonade. Thank you, and hope that you do the same.
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TY,
I am leaving here, but please, take care of yourself. Keep on writing!
Nome
Comment from giraffmang
Very nice continuation of the previous instalment here. the ending is very cryptic and a great hook.
Asian because, you were raised in America - the comma isn't really needed here.
the waitress placed onto to the table along - delete 'to' from after onto.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2018
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Very nice continuation of the previous instalment here. the ending is very cryptic and a great hook.
Asian because, you were raised in America - the comma isn't really needed here.
the waitress placed onto to the table along - delete 'to' from after onto.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2018
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Got it. Thank you again, giraffmang. It?s a condensed chapter. Glad it sufficed. Balancing truth and proper writing is rather challenging.
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Got it. Thank you again, giraffmang. It?s a condensed chapter. Glad it sufficed. Balancing truth and proper writing is rather challenging.
Comment from M. Covert Payton
There are a number of issues here: you switch between active and passive verb tenses a *lot*; there are quite a few issues of incorrect possessive use; and there are a bunch of misplaced commas. It is also unclear who is narrating the whole thing -- descriptions of characters' mental states are just kind of dropped in, willy-nilly, and there's no "flow" from one character's thoughts to another's.
I DO really like the fortune cookie story; it needs to be copy-edited and tightened up a bit, but I think you're really onto something there. Just sit down with a friend and have them read this to you *out loud* ... I think you'll be able to see everything I'm talking about and make appropriate corrections.
Keep working ... you'll get there!
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There are a number of issues here: you switch between active and passive verb tenses a *lot*; there are quite a few issues of incorrect possessive use; and there are a bunch of misplaced commas. It is also unclear who is narrating the whole thing -- descriptions of characters' mental states are just kind of dropped in, willy-nilly, and there's no "flow" from one character's thoughts to another's.
I DO really like the fortune cookie story; it needs to be copy-edited and tightened up a bit, but I think you're really onto something there. Just sit down with a friend and have them read this to you *out loud* ... I think you'll be able to see everything I'm talking about and make appropriate corrections.
Keep working ... you'll get there!
Comment Written 30-Jun-2018