On board the Titanic
Pretend you were there story5 total reviews
Comment from Ben Colder
Anytime fools make statements the God can not sink a ship is offering challenge. You know the rest of the story. Well said. Good contest piece. U have my vote.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2018
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Anytime fools make statements the God can not sink a ship is offering challenge. You know the rest of the story. Well said. Good contest piece. U have my vote.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2018
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Thanks for a great reveiw zanya
Comment from LaFrance
Great story telling, this is going to be a good entry The Pretend You Were There contest. It was clever to use a dialogue between granddad and granddaughter, grandkids do not always believe the grandparents had a life before old age.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2018
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Great story telling, this is going to be a good entry The Pretend You Were There contest. It was clever to use a dialogue between granddad and granddaughter, grandkids do not always believe the grandparents had a life before old age.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2018
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Great review -thanks for taking time to read zanya
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Neat! What an interesting story! :) :) :) I liked the quirky little ending turning a keepsake into a possible talisman.
I would say to comb through and fix a few grammatical and typo items toward the end...to name a few (not all) such as:
"going on. I t was" to "going on. It was" AND
"shoes.
The man" You do not skip a line here.....? AND
Words such as "First" and "Next" that begin a sentence are usually set off with a comma; however, it really does not affect your flow and, perhaps, it is just your style to omit. :) :) :) AND
' They maybe be 'They (eliminating the extra space) AND
'Jade', I said' keep should most likely be 'Jade,' I said 'keep
Overall, I am truly fascinated by the dialogue between the grandmother and granddaughter -- it seems very "real" and not "choreographed" .... one can almost picture the two having the conversation.
Thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest! :) :) :)
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2018
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Neat! What an interesting story! :) :) :) I liked the quirky little ending turning a keepsake into a possible talisman.
I would say to comb through and fix a few grammatical and typo items toward the end...to name a few (not all) such as:
"going on. I t was" to "going on. It was" AND
"shoes.
The man" You do not skip a line here.....? AND
Words such as "First" and "Next" that begin a sentence are usually set off with a comma; however, it really does not affect your flow and, perhaps, it is just your style to omit. :) :) :) AND
' They maybe be 'They (eliminating the extra space) AND
'Jade', I said' keep should most likely be 'Jade,' I said 'keep
Overall, I am truly fascinated by the dialogue between the grandmother and granddaughter -- it seems very "real" and not "choreographed" .... one can almost picture the two having the conversation.
Thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest! :) :) :)
Comment Written 24-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2018
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Great review -thanks for taking time to read and offer interesting comments zanya
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello, such a great story and you tell it so effectively through the dialogue between Gran and Jade. I felt like I was a fly on the wall and your characters are easy to relate to. Such a great subject for a story, we are always fascinated by the Titanic, and each generation seems to do their own take. I noticed no errors and thanks for sharing this well-written piece of prose, cheers, Ana.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2018
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Hello, such a great story and you tell it so effectively through the dialogue between Gran and Jade. I felt like I was a fly on the wall and your characters are easy to relate to. Such a great subject for a story, we are always fascinated by the Titanic, and each generation seems to do their own take. I noticed no errors and thanks for sharing this well-written piece of prose, cheers, Ana.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2018
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Great review - yes the Titanic really fascinates us zanya
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
There's some nice scene setting here and the emotions come across pretty well.
Few things I noticed as I read-
You perhaps could have a look at your punctuation here. Sometimes you punctuate inside the dialogue tags and sometimes outside. Also, if you've used a question mark or suchlike inside, you don't need a period/full stop outside as well.
unsinkable ships and icebergs, do they?'.- no full stop necessary.
The 1p (one penny piece) was only introduced in the 1970s...
'What age were you then Gran,?'- you don't need the comma before the question mark here.
'Why is this old faded coin so precious to you Gran?. - the question mark effectively closes off the sentence so you don't need the full stop/period afterwards.
shows us pictures ,' Jade added ,'but it's boring - look at your spacing around the commas here.
'If you had been there like me, more than seventy years ago, in that icy sea, you wouldn't say, Jade, that someone made up a story', I continued.
'And so was my dad, your great grandad, George, there on that night too,' I added.
'Great grandad George was a builder. HIs hands always felt rough from handling the bricks. Had a buddy, apparently in New York who offered him a partnership'. I replied. - all of this could be in one set of speech marks and doesn't need separated out. this would also negate the need for additional speech marks. (you do this several times and it isn't really necessary. It gives the impression of another speaker)
you couldn't possibly have survived in that freezing sea water. Teacher says that the water in those seas would have killed a human being'.- the teach can't have been very bright or indeed well-informed...
the constellations and knew where to look for them', i said.- I.
Watch your spacing around the punctuation. Sometimes you have no spaces and some don't need them.
'So what happened next?, - change the comma to a closing speech mark.
Makes it so much more real, when you say that,' Jade said. - you don't need the speech tag at the end here.
I'm not sure the protagonist would refer to it being a 'British' coin if they're from there.
If the father was a builder, he must have had some very wealthy friends to have had a cabin on the Titanic for him & his daughter.
'Nearly fifteen hundred people died that night, Jade - it was more than fifteen hundred.
It states that the father wrote a letter to mum before they set sail that night when she was tucked in, and it's that night that the disaster struck. but the iceberg was four nights into the journey. the timeline is off.
I t was strange', I said. - It.
Technically in dialogue when you start a new paragraph each paragraph should have opening speech marks.
'Jade', I said' keep this old coin safe. - insert a comma followed by a space after said.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2018
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Hi there,
There's some nice scene setting here and the emotions come across pretty well.
Few things I noticed as I read-
You perhaps could have a look at your punctuation here. Sometimes you punctuate inside the dialogue tags and sometimes outside. Also, if you've used a question mark or suchlike inside, you don't need a period/full stop outside as well.
unsinkable ships and icebergs, do they?'.- no full stop necessary.
The 1p (one penny piece) was only introduced in the 1970s...
'What age were you then Gran,?'- you don't need the comma before the question mark here.
'Why is this old faded coin so precious to you Gran?. - the question mark effectively closes off the sentence so you don't need the full stop/period afterwards.
shows us pictures ,' Jade added ,'but it's boring - look at your spacing around the commas here.
'If you had been there like me, more than seventy years ago, in that icy sea, you wouldn't say, Jade, that someone made up a story', I continued.
'And so was my dad, your great grandad, George, there on that night too,' I added.
'Great grandad George was a builder. HIs hands always felt rough from handling the bricks. Had a buddy, apparently in New York who offered him a partnership'. I replied. - all of this could be in one set of speech marks and doesn't need separated out. this would also negate the need for additional speech marks. (you do this several times and it isn't really necessary. It gives the impression of another speaker)
you couldn't possibly have survived in that freezing sea water. Teacher says that the water in those seas would have killed a human being'.- the teach can't have been very bright or indeed well-informed...
the constellations and knew where to look for them', i said.- I.
Watch your spacing around the punctuation. Sometimes you have no spaces and some don't need them.
'So what happened next?, - change the comma to a closing speech mark.
Makes it so much more real, when you say that,' Jade said. - you don't need the speech tag at the end here.
I'm not sure the protagonist would refer to it being a 'British' coin if they're from there.
If the father was a builder, he must have had some very wealthy friends to have had a cabin on the Titanic for him & his daughter.
'Nearly fifteen hundred people died that night, Jade - it was more than fifteen hundred.
It states that the father wrote a letter to mum before they set sail that night when she was tucked in, and it's that night that the disaster struck. but the iceberg was four nights into the journey. the timeline is off.
I t was strange', I said. - It.
Technically in dialogue when you start a new paragraph each paragraph should have opening speech marks.
'Jade', I said' keep this old coin safe. - insert a comma followed by a space after said.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 24-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2018
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Thanks for taking time not just to read but to make useful and appropriate commentary zanya
