Destiny of the Universe
Difficult Gift to Bear contest entry9 total reviews
Comment from trimple
Hi there, Ron
Congratulations!
What a brilliant story! Love the way you built this up, and left your reader positively gobsmacked at the end.
That,'Na' really said it all! lol
The writing itself flowed easily and held my attention throughout.
Well done, Ron
kind regards
t
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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Hi there, Ron
Congratulations!
What a brilliant story! Love the way you built this up, and left your reader positively gobsmacked at the end.
That,'Na' really said it all! lol
The writing itself flowed easily and held my attention throughout.
Well done, Ron
kind regards
t
Comment Written 26-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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Thank you so much for the fantastic review and big sixer, Tracey. Yeah, it was hard trying to keep the whole motive thing secret until the end. A few people told me they had it figured out before the end. Maybe the part where he breaks into their house, lol. I had to go with something different rather than people just trying to save people from bad stuff, so I made him the bad guy, haha. I dearly appreciate the gracious stars and congrats, T. I'm glad you liked my twisted story. Have a great rest of your week.
Ron
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A pleasure, Ron :)
Comment from Praveen J.
Awesome. The story starts off slow, almost loses momentum but luckily it held my interest and it really ramps up the pace towards the end bringing it home nicely with a twisted end. Well done. You have my vote !
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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Awesome. The story starts off slow, almost loses momentum but luckily it held my interest and it really ramps up the pace towards the end bringing it home nicely with a twisted end. Well done. You have my vote !
Comment Written 25-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the fantastic review and the big sixer, Praveen. Yeah, I wanted to try to go with something different rather than just someone saving someone else from something bad. So I had my guy be the killer, lol. I really appreciate the generous rating and support, friend. I'm glad you liked the piece. Thank you again. Have a great rest of your week.
Ron
Comment from LynnetteOK
This is a great twist on the theme of the contest. I really enjoyed reading it. The ending is perfect.
The only comment I have about what needs work may simply be my own issue. But I found it confusing when it said, "I followed him for the three days prior." I didn't know if you meant to say followed for the next three days (since it's immediately after the meeting) or the three days prior to the murder.
That said, I think you did a great job and you've got my vote. ð???
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2018
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This is a great twist on the theme of the contest. I really enjoyed reading it. The ending is perfect.
The only comment I have about what needs work may simply be my own issue. But I found it confusing when it said, "I followed him for the three days prior." I didn't know if you meant to say followed for the next three days (since it's immediately after the meeting) or the three days prior to the murder.
That said, I think you did a great job and you've got my vote. ð???
Comment Written 23-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the fantastic review and support, Lynnette. Yes, the 3 days prior was 3 days before the murder. You're the first one to point that out. Thank you. I really appreciate the gracious stars, L. I'm glad you liked this dark little tale. Have a great night.
Comment from RodG
A terrific story that begins beautifully with your opening paragraph. We see how the narrator is tormented by his "gift," not knowing what intervention could/would do. I had guessed the ending, but was totally surprised by his motive as you planted the clue perfectly.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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A terrific story that begins beautifully with your opening paragraph. We see how the narrator is tormented by his "gift," not knowing what intervention could/would do. I had guessed the ending, but was totally surprised by his motive as you planted the clue perfectly.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the excellent review, Rod. Yeah, a couple people had it figured out before the end already. Maybe the part where he breaks into their house, haha. I really appreciate the generous stars, friend. I'm glad you liked the piece. Have a great rest of your weekend.
Comment from Bill Schott
This story has us going one way as your character is going another. His apparent turmoil over saving the couple was actually his dealing with the decision to kill them himself and steal the winning lottery ticket that he had "seen" them win in his visions. So clever and some of the plot left up to the reader to figure out. Should he have altered the
destiny of the universe that night? Na.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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This story has us going one way as your character is going another. His apparent turmoil over saving the couple was actually his dealing with the decision to kill them himself and steal the winning lottery ticket that he had "seen" them win in his visions. So clever and some of the plot left up to the reader to figure out. Should he have altered the
destiny of the universe that night? Na.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the fantastic review and the big sixer, Bill. Yeah, I came up with this idea and the hardest part was trying to keep his 'real' agenda secret until the end. Lol. I really appreciate the generous stars, friend. I'm glad you liked my twist on the contest. Have a great rest of your weekend. Thank you again.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,.
This is a well written and enjoyable read. I sort of guessed where it was going from the lottery ticket reference early on but it didn't detract from the read.
Nice job
GMG
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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Hi there,.
This is a well written and enjoyable read. I sort of guessed where it was going from the lottery ticket reference early on but it didn't detract from the read.
Nice job
GMG
Comment Written 17-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2018
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Thank you for the great review, GMG. I though I was being crafty making him the killer but another reader said he had it figured out as well. I don't really want to leave the lottery ticket part out of the story because it's the main reason for the ending. I don't write prose very much, mostly poetry. Have any suggestions? I really appreciate the generous stars, GMG. I'm glad you liked the piece. Have a great rest of your weekend.
it may work if you alter it slightly to the main character going in to buy their ticket rather than the victim. it would then become apparent by the end that's what he was doing too.
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That sounds like a winner to me. Thanks for the suggestion. I changed it so that's how it went down. I really appreciate it.
Comment from apky
An interesting story. I suppose if I had the gift and knew about the lottery win coming up, I'd probably decide to do the killing myself - prophesy fulfilled, and the win pocketed.
The only question is that of the conscience, which you also had an answer for in your story: Na. Some would be bothered, some wouldn't be.
I can see in their eyes
that what just transpired didn't effect(didn't "affect" OR "had no effect on) them at all, oblivious to their own
destiny.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2018
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An interesting story. I suppose if I had the gift and knew about the lottery win coming up, I'd probably decide to do the killing myself - prophesy fulfilled, and the win pocketed.
The only question is that of the conscience, which you also had an answer for in your story: Na. Some would be bothered, some wouldn't be.
I can see in their eyes
that what just transpired didn't effect(didn't "affect" OR "had no effect on) them at all, oblivious to their own
destiny.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2018
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Thank you for the excellent review and for pointing out the goof, apky. I fixed it. Yeah, he wasn't really feeling all that bad about it. Lol. I really appreciate the generous stars and help. I'm glad you liked the piece. Have a great rest of your weekend. Thank you again.
Comment from royowen
I had to have a little chuckle with this one, the dear murderer didn't do anything wrong, he just knew Anthony Jenkins had the winning lottery ticket, and had to have it. ( just changed the plot a little, heh heh) well done an excellently entry, plot, and well written. Excellent chance of winning, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2018
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I had to have a little chuckle with this one, the dear murderer didn't do anything wrong, he just knew Anthony Jenkins had the winning lottery ticket, and had to have it. ( just changed the plot a little, heh heh) well done an excellently entry, plot, and well written. Excellent chance of winning, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 16-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2018
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Thank you for the excellent review, Roy. Yeah, he saw the future alright, lol. I really appreciate the generous stars, friend. I'm glad you liked the piece. Have a great rest of your weekend.
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Well done
Comment from meeshu
this is a great story, very well written. I have to admit I guessed the ending and was hoping I was right, as I would have been disappointed with any other. that in no way takes away from your set-up, which was outstanding..
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2018
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this is a great story, very well written. I have to admit I guessed the ending and was hoping I was right, as I would have been disappointed with any other. that in no way takes away from your set-up, which was outstanding..
Comment Written 16-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2018
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Thank you for the fantastic review, Meeshu. Yeah, I think the him breaking into the house part gave it away a little early but I still had fun writing it. So you had it figured out before that, huh? Lol. I really appreciate the generous stars and kind words, friend. I'm glad you liked the piece. Have a great rest of your weekend.
