A shaky start
My first job11 total reviews
Comment from papa55mike
First jobs can be the toughest. I worked for my mom's boyfriend at a gas station. It was pure hell. What a wonderfully written story.
Good luck in the contest!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2021
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First jobs can be the toughest. I worked for my mom's boyfriend at a gas station. It was pure hell. What a wonderfully written story.
Good luck in the contest!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 23-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2021
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Id love to read that story of yours at the gas station.
Comment from padumachitta
hello..ah, many of us had first jobs in the packing plants or produce veg and garden and farm work. it was fast, tough and paid bad, but a good expereince.
You wrote a good story for this contest. Good luck in it.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2021
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hello..ah, many of us had first jobs in the packing plants or produce veg and garden and farm work. it was fast, tough and paid bad, but a good expereince.
You wrote a good story for this contest. Good luck in it.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2021
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Thank you.
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
Wow, it sounds like a very unpleasant job for a thirteen-year-old kid. It also seems that you had issues with your mother, which couldn't have helped matters. It was clearly very hard work -- not for slackers, at all! It was not something you would ever forget.
I found a number of grammatical errors. Some people appreciate it, others don't... I hope that you're one of those who do! I hope you find it helpful.
...anxious, thirteen year old as she tumbled out of bed.
-->
...anxious thirteen-year-old, as she tumbled out of bed.
We hopped into her 1960's, red, near new Volkswagen ...
-->
We hopped into her 1960s, red, near-new Volkswagen ...
...to scoot off to a place of unfulfilled toil. A place where the sun don't shine, her second home away from home, "the fruit factory".
-->
...to scoot off to a place of unfulfilled toil--a place where the sun don't shine, her second home away from home, "the fruit factory."
Ah, I can still smell its aromatic appeal. The crisp Johnny apples, the Valencia oranges squirting juice into my eyes, ...
-->
Ah, I can still smell its aromatic appeal: the crisp Johnny apples, the Valencia oranges squirting juice into my eyes, ...
...clenching tightly onto my bag as it's my last familiar item of security.
-->
...clenching tightly onto my bag, as it was my last familiar item of security.
...appeared solicitously before my eyes. The greyness of it. An old tin shed housing about sixty people. Two very long lines with shaky belts disburses apples.
-->
...appeared solicitously before my eyes; the greyness of it! It was an old tin shed housing about sixty people; two very long lines with shaky belts dispensing apples.
I sneer myself into obscurity as I push myself out of the cosy seat.
-->
I sneered myself into obscurity as I pushed myself out of the cozy seat.
She really prefers this place to me, I felt it.
-->
She really preferred this place to me; I felt it.
Why do they always stare so hard at me like a bug on a windscreen?
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Why did they always stare so hard at me like a bug on a windscreen?
Why aren't the boys drooling as I slide passed them? Why do I have to work?
-->
Why weren't the boys drooling as I slid past them? Why did I have to work? [I'm changing the verb tenses to match the past tense in the rest of your story.]
These and a hundred other thoughts all go unanswered.
-->
These and a hundred other thoughts all went unanswered.
Great, I can barely fold my lunch wrapper let alone a cardboard box! Yikes, who's that blond over there, looking so striking?
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Great, I could barely fold my lunch wrapper, let alone a cardboard box! Yikes, who was that blond over there, looking so striking?
They used crates, all of them, so why am I making cardboard boxes?
-->
They used crates, all of them, so why was I making cardboard boxes?
I conformed to her request not knowing how to fold them.
-->
I conformed to her request, not knowing how to fold them.
...twirled a thin trail around the packer's heads.
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...twirled a thin trail around the packers' heads.
...but I was virtually ignored the whole twenty minutes which was the time allotted for morning tea.
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...but I was virtually ignored the whole twenty minutes, which was the time allotted for morning tea.
She looked about 70 I thought and no wonder.
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She looked about 70, I thought, and no wonder.
I must have day dreamed over at least sixty fruit cases ...
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I must have daydreamed over at least sixty fruit cases ...
Try and look like you know what you are doing I thought.
-->
Try and look like you know what you are doing, I thought.
But at least I'll have nothing to brag about at school or to tell my children about!!
-->
But at least I would have nothing to brag about at school or to tell my children about!!
***
I'm not sure how the artwork is connected to the story, but I would be interested in your thoughts about it. I think you actually found that fruit packing factory to be a rather scary place, especially with all the smoking, and the absence of kids your own age.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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Wow, it sounds like a very unpleasant job for a thirteen-year-old kid. It also seems that you had issues with your mother, which couldn't have helped matters. It was clearly very hard work -- not for slackers, at all! It was not something you would ever forget.
I found a number of grammatical errors. Some people appreciate it, others don't... I hope that you're one of those who do! I hope you find it helpful.
...anxious, thirteen year old as she tumbled out of bed.
-->
...anxious thirteen-year-old, as she tumbled out of bed.
We hopped into her 1960's, red, near new Volkswagen ...
-->
We hopped into her 1960s, red, near-new Volkswagen ...
...to scoot off to a place of unfulfilled toil. A place where the sun don't shine, her second home away from home, "the fruit factory".
-->
...to scoot off to a place of unfulfilled toil--a place where the sun don't shine, her second home away from home, "the fruit factory."
Ah, I can still smell its aromatic appeal. The crisp Johnny apples, the Valencia oranges squirting juice into my eyes, ...
-->
Ah, I can still smell its aromatic appeal: the crisp Johnny apples, the Valencia oranges squirting juice into my eyes, ...
...clenching tightly onto my bag as it's my last familiar item of security.
-->
...clenching tightly onto my bag, as it was my last familiar item of security.
...appeared solicitously before my eyes. The greyness of it. An old tin shed housing about sixty people. Two very long lines with shaky belts disburses apples.
-->
...appeared solicitously before my eyes; the greyness of it! It was an old tin shed housing about sixty people; two very long lines with shaky belts dispensing apples.
I sneer myself into obscurity as I push myself out of the cosy seat.
-->
I sneered myself into obscurity as I pushed myself out of the cozy seat.
She really prefers this place to me, I felt it.
-->
She really preferred this place to me; I felt it.
Why do they always stare so hard at me like a bug on a windscreen?
-->
Why did they always stare so hard at me like a bug on a windscreen?
Why aren't the boys drooling as I slide passed them? Why do I have to work?
-->
Why weren't the boys drooling as I slid past them? Why did I have to work? [I'm changing the verb tenses to match the past tense in the rest of your story.]
These and a hundred other thoughts all go unanswered.
-->
These and a hundred other thoughts all went unanswered.
Great, I can barely fold my lunch wrapper let alone a cardboard box! Yikes, who's that blond over there, looking so striking?
-->
Great, I could barely fold my lunch wrapper, let alone a cardboard box! Yikes, who was that blond over there, looking so striking?
They used crates, all of them, so why am I making cardboard boxes?
-->
They used crates, all of them, so why was I making cardboard boxes?
I conformed to her request not knowing how to fold them.
-->
I conformed to her request, not knowing how to fold them.
...twirled a thin trail around the packer's heads.
-->
...twirled a thin trail around the packers' heads.
...but I was virtually ignored the whole twenty minutes which was the time allotted for morning tea.
-->
...but I was virtually ignored the whole twenty minutes, which was the time allotted for morning tea.
She looked about 70 I thought and no wonder.
-->
She looked about 70, I thought, and no wonder.
I must have day dreamed over at least sixty fruit cases ...
-->
I must have daydreamed over at least sixty fruit cases ...
Try and look like you know what you are doing I thought.
-->
Try and look like you know what you are doing, I thought.
But at least I'll have nothing to brag about at school or to tell my children about!!
-->
But at least I would have nothing to brag about at school or to tell my children about!!
***
I'm not sure how the artwork is connected to the story, but I would be interested in your thoughts about it. I think you actually found that fruit packing factory to be a rather scary place, especially with all the smoking, and the absence of kids your own age.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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yes, thanks for all the corrections. I don't know how I missed so many!! Hyphens to this extent are not used in Australia. Perhaps you are American? We also use kilos not pounds, and dollars.
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You're very welcome. It happens sometimes. May God bless you, Jan Perry. Thank you for sharing your story.
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Yes, I am indeed American. By all means, only use the revisions that apply to your situation. Whatever helps :-)
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Thanks for all the commas, it's true, I don't use enough punctuation.
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You're very welcome. I hope you do well in the contest!
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It's an old entry so there's no contest. I put in all the missing commas. Thanks again!!
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Hi Mary. About my mother. I loved her dearly. Little did I know until later that she preferred my brother much more. Oops, oh well, that's life.
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There are many corrections you have made Mary. Just a hint for the future. You could write the corrections in brackets like this (,) (;) instead of having to write the whole line out twice. This will save you all the effort you put into your reviews. (I've been on Fanstory for many years and that's how the others do it). Jan Perry.
Comment from Sugarray77
This is very well written and aptly describes the petulance of a teenager required to do something they do not want to do. Your wonderful descriptions of the work, coworkers, and the characters is very well done. Good luck in the contest!
Melissa
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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This is very well written and aptly describes the petulance of a teenager required to do something they do not want to do. Your wonderful descriptions of the work, coworkers, and the characters is very well done. Good luck in the contest!
Melissa
Comment Written 23-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2021
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Thanks for your review. It was an old piece I had put in, so there's no contest.
Comment from GowerHug
I enjoyed reading this empathetic piece. Your experiences as a fruit packer are conveyed clearly and your dislike of the job comes across well. The mood of this piece is rather somber but I liked the flashes of humour - when you packed the fruit in the wrong wrapping did make me smile, though I understand you must have felt mortified at the time. The final paragraph provides a fitting ending and the last line, in particular, does tug at the heartstrings. I think this is a solid piece of writing and wish you well in the competition.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2018
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I enjoyed reading this empathetic piece. Your experiences as a fruit packer are conveyed clearly and your dislike of the job comes across well. The mood of this piece is rather somber but I liked the flashes of humour - when you packed the fruit in the wrong wrapping did make me smile, though I understand you must have felt mortified at the time. The final paragraph provides a fitting ending and the last line, in particular, does tug at the heartstrings. I think this is a solid piece of writing and wish you well in the competition.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2018
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Thanks for reading it.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Ah. So they needed the cardboard boxes to sell fruit in the shop out front.
Is that right?
Did you ever actually speak to the James Dean look-a-like forklift operator?
Packing fruit sounds like a piece of cake.
It's not.
I did a little fruit packing and picking myself for Charlie Wyler and Wyler Fruit orchards when I was fourteen until the age of sixteen.
It was strictly a summer job for me.
The yellow jackets and bees were the worst part of my job. I was stung on an average of eight to ten times a day.
Thank God I wasn't allergic to bee stings or you and I would not be having this conversation, most probably.
Great story, Jan, very well written.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2018
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Ah. So they needed the cardboard boxes to sell fruit in the shop out front.
Is that right?
Did you ever actually speak to the James Dean look-a-like forklift operator?
Packing fruit sounds like a piece of cake.
It's not.
I did a little fruit packing and picking myself for Charlie Wyler and Wyler Fruit orchards when I was fourteen until the age of sixteen.
It was strictly a summer job for me.
The yellow jackets and bees were the worst part of my job. I was stung on an average of eight to ten times a day.
Thank God I wasn't allergic to bee stings or you and I would not be having this conversation, most probably.
Great story, Jan, very well written.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2018
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No. You're the only James Dean I know. I was only 13 with racing hormones, skinny shy thing. That guy's name was Greg. He never spoke to me. I worked there for three seasons, never made one mistake after that terrible start.
Thanks Dean. You are the best. (have a root for me) hahahaha
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I sure will; have a "root" for you, I mean.
You're more than welcome. :)
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Sorry about those bees. Wasps, snakes and spiders if they see you're frightened they'll chase you. The huntsman spider, native to Australia, catches it's prey by chasing it. It doesn't make the web.
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You have real insight and I'm always learning from you. Thank you.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I did the box folding for a while for Christmas cards. Boring and mundane. lol You get this across well.
A few things I noticed on reading through-
Ah, I can still smell it's aromatic appeal - its.
Yikes, whose that blonde over there, looking so striking?- in this instance it would be who's (who is contraction as opposed to possessive).
(Later that year she became pregnant and left her job).- the full stop should come inside the brackets here not outside.
A very pretty blond named Ronda - blonde.
(She died the following year). - punctuation inside here.
I must have day dreamed - daydreamed could be a single word here.
"How many cases have you done, she swore at me." - should be a question mark instead of the comma here followed immediately by the closing speech marks.
I wondered over to the machinery - wandered.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2018
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Hi there,
I did the box folding for a while for Christmas cards. Boring and mundane. lol You get this across well.
A few things I noticed on reading through-
Ah, I can still smell it's aromatic appeal - its.
Yikes, whose that blonde over there, looking so striking?- in this instance it would be who's (who is contraction as opposed to possessive).
(Later that year she became pregnant and left her job).- the full stop should come inside the brackets here not outside.
A very pretty blond named Ronda - blonde.
(She died the following year). - punctuation inside here.
I must have day dreamed - daydreamed could be a single word here.
"How many cases have you done, she swore at me." - should be a question mark instead of the comma here followed immediately by the closing speech marks.
I wondered over to the machinery - wandered.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 15-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2018
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Oh. I should have done a draft first, thanks
Comment from RodG
There is much to like about this story which describes the narrator at work in an Apple-packing factory. But my biggest concern is a lack of COHERENCE. You skip around in time from the very start. Go back and (1) explain WHY & HOW you got the job. (2) Describe the factory itself and HOW/WHY you were assigned to folding boxes.(3) Describe in detail Day #1 on the job, then ((4) Chronologically narrate the key events (like your blunder) of that first week or two. (5) Compose a better conclusion, focusing on WHAT YOU LEARNED from that job. You have the makings of a great story, but it needs reworking. Rod
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018
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There is much to like about this story which describes the narrator at work in an Apple-packing factory. But my biggest concern is a lack of COHERENCE. You skip around in time from the very start. Go back and (1) explain WHY & HOW you got the job. (2) Describe the factory itself and HOW/WHY you were assigned to folding boxes.(3) Describe in detail Day #1 on the job, then ((4) Chronologically narrate the key events (like your blunder) of that first week or two. (5) Compose a better conclusion, focusing on WHAT YOU LEARNED from that job. You have the makings of a great story, but it needs reworking. Rod
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018
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The story is essentially about my feelings as a teenager, working with my mum. Sorry if you didn't see that. But since I'm now 59 I know wat happened to all the people there as well.
Comment from James Edward M
You are a good storyteller. You managed to transport me back in time. I enjoyed your story very much. 1972 you made me think about the beginning of my life. I had just returned home from the Army...
Great story, thank you for he memories.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018
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You are a good storyteller. You managed to transport me back in time. I enjoyed your story very much. 1972 you made me think about the beginning of my life. I had just returned home from the Army...
Great story, thank you for he memories.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2018
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Thanks for reading it James.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good entry for the 'My First Job' writing prompt.
Your story about packing fruit is clearly told.
Well done and good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2018
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I think this is a good entry for the 'My First Job' writing prompt.
Your story about packing fruit is clearly told.
Well done and good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon
Comment Written 07-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2018
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Thank you Sharon.
