Loophole
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Ronald's Story"All chapters
10 total reviews
Comment from pome lover
I'm with the detectives - there are some things I don't know, too.
This is very complicated, MM - at least it is to me. I wish I could be helpful.
Sometime - if you feel like it, send me the whole story. maybe then, I can understand what's going on.
your deficient friend,
PL
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2018
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I'm with the detectives - there are some things I don't know, too.
This is very complicated, MM - at least it is to me. I wish I could be helpful.
Sometime - if you feel like it, send me the whole story. maybe then, I can understand what's going on.
your deficient friend,
PL
Comment Written 01-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2018
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Thanks for the 5 stars.
The ball is in my court. What should I do with it?
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slam dunk!
am going to a friend's granddaughters wedding in Corpus Christie, tomorrow. back Sunday.
Have a good weekend.
PL
Comment from judiverse
Excellent chapter. Brennan is operating on all cylinders, despite his age. It seems Sterling and Ronald were in cahoots. Ronald gave Brennan pretty much the story of how Sterling had manipulated him and Trudy. There were supposed to be blanks in the gun that shot Trudy. Now Brennan and Amanda have to determine who put the real bullets in--Sterling or Ronald. Ronald says he thinks Sterling wanted Trudy dead. We'll have to see what their visits to both gentlemen yields. I noticed that you started switching from past to present tense toward the end. "Amanda asks." I'd keep it in past tense. judi
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2018
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Excellent chapter. Brennan is operating on all cylinders, despite his age. It seems Sterling and Ronald were in cahoots. Ronald gave Brennan pretty much the story of how Sterling had manipulated him and Trudy. There were supposed to be blanks in the gun that shot Trudy. Now Brennan and Amanda have to determine who put the real bullets in--Sterling or Ronald. Ronald says he thinks Sterling wanted Trudy dead. We'll have to see what their visits to both gentlemen yields. I noticed that you started switching from past to present tense toward the end. "Amanda asks." I'd keep it in past tense. judi
Comment Written 01-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2018
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Thanks, Judi, for your 'Excellent' review. Sorry this chapter had to be so lengthy.
As far as past and present tense is concerned, I go back and forth without realizing it. Thanks for the suggestion.
Marv
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You're welcome. I think that's a sign that you're really getting involved in the story--when you switch to present tense. judi
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Marv;
Another good chapter in this story. I liked the give and take between the two detectives as they went over the facts of the case.
I wonder if using 'mph' rather than spelling it out works in prose? Something to check in the Style Guide.
Said guide is sitting on my desk at home and I'm at the doctor's office.
Looking forward to more,
patty
reply by the author on 31-May-2018
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Hi, Marv;
Another good chapter in this story. I liked the give and take between the two detectives as they went over the facts of the case.
I wonder if using 'mph' rather than spelling it out works in prose? Something to check in the Style Guide.
Said guide is sitting on my desk at home and I'm at the doctor's office.
Looking forward to more,
patty
Comment Written 31-May-2018
reply by the author on 31-May-2018
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Thanks for your review, Patty. I'm so glad you're on board with this story.
I'll just change the MPH to words and hope no one complains.
Good luck at the doctor's.
Marv
Comment from Debbie Pope
This is a very good story, Marvin. I am out of sixes or I would have awarded it one. I like the complicated plot and the fact that the story is told through dialogue. Very nice job.
reply by the author on 31-May-2018
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This is a very good story, Marvin. I am out of sixes or I would have awarded it one. I like the complicated plot and the fact that the story is told through dialogue. Very nice job.
Comment Written 31-May-2018
reply by the author on 31-May-2018
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Thank you for your very positive review, Debbie.
Thanks for your thought of a six. It's comforting to know what could have been.
I enjoy writing dialogue.
Thanks again.
Marv
Comment from giraffmang
Lots of hypothesizing here from the detectives, moving the plot on well.
"Oh, I doubt, very much - insert a clear line before this one.
Why didn't he say something about the teller getting shot. - could probably do with a question mark here.
Is it the ambulance people's fault or is it Sterling's fault for not saying anything about Trudy. - and again here.
"What duress?," Amanda said - delete the comma from the dialogue here.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 31-May-2018
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Lots of hypothesizing here from the detectives, moving the plot on well.
"Oh, I doubt, very much - insert a clear line before this one.
Why didn't he say something about the teller getting shot. - could probably do with a question mark here.
Is it the ambulance people's fault or is it Sterling's fault for not saying anything about Trudy. - and again here.
"What duress?," Amanda said - delete the comma from the dialogue here.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 31-May-2018
reply by the author on 31-May-2018
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I slipped up again, several times. Thanks for your attentiveness.
I appreciate your comment, 'moving the plot on well.'
As always, thanks for all you do.
Marv
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Marv. This chapter is written well with good dialogue.
You keep mentioning not "Loophole" but you are creating the problem yourself. I took a look at your portfolio and you are adding chapters to the book "Loophole" even though they don't belong there. The "Loophole" book and chapters of "FOW Play" are all jumbled up together. My suggestion is to remove those writes that do not pertain to the "Loophole" story or the "FOW Play" story, straighten out the numbering of the chapters.
Next, create a new book for "FOW Play" (but it looks like you already may have one created" and put those chapters together in that book.
Create a new book for each new story you create that has successive chapters.
It will be a lot easier for your readers to keep your stories straight in their minds and for your portfolio to have some sense of order to it. I hope this helps.
Marilyn
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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Hi Marv. This chapter is written well with good dialogue.
You keep mentioning not "Loophole" but you are creating the problem yourself. I took a look at your portfolio and you are adding chapters to the book "Loophole" even though they don't belong there. The "Loophole" book and chapters of "FOW Play" are all jumbled up together. My suggestion is to remove those writes that do not pertain to the "Loophole" story or the "FOW Play" story, straighten out the numbering of the chapters.
Next, create a new book for "FOW Play" (but it looks like you already may have one created" and put those chapters together in that book.
Create a new book for each new story you create that has successive chapters.
It will be a lot easier for your readers to keep your stories straight in their minds and for your portfolio to have some sense of order to it. I hope this helps.
Marilyn
Comment Written 30-May-2018
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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Thanks for your review and thanks for the compliments.
I'll try your posting suggestions Tomorrow.
Marv
Comment from Ann Tran
It was good read Marvin, as this is the first chapter I read (chapter 11) I enjoyed the story telling in dialogue. It also portrayed the dynamics between the two detectives really well. Your description is very befitting to the story as there are missing pieces to solve this mystery which makes you eagerly wait for the next chapter. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 31-May-2018
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It was good read Marvin, as this is the first chapter I read (chapter 11) I enjoyed the story telling in dialogue. It also portrayed the dynamics between the two detectives really well. Your description is very befitting to the story as there are missing pieces to solve this mystery which makes you eagerly wait for the next chapter. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 30-May-2018
reply by the author on 31-May-2018
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Ann
Sorry it took me so long to thank you for your kind review. I appreciate the compliments very much. Thank you for the generous rating. The detectives: he plans to retire after this case, she was chosen to keep him from dragging out the case, but she was hoping for this assignment.
If you need more let me know.
Thanks for everything.
Marv
Comment from Gloria ....
Ha, you always get a surprise laugh out of me Marv. This time it was the It's Roland, I mean Ronald line that got me. It's just so natural and very humorous.
Exceptional writing from start to finish and bit by bit I'm starting to understand that the Loophole has nothing to do with the murder mystery.
Enjoyed a lot, Marv.
Gloria
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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Ha, you always get a surprise laugh out of me Marv. This time it was the It's Roland, I mean Ronald line that got me. It's just so natural and very humorous.
Exceptional writing from start to finish and bit by bit I'm starting to understand that the Loophole has nothing to do with the murder mystery.
Enjoyed a lot, Marv.
Gloria
Comment Written 30-May-2018
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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My greatest reward is making others laugh, especially you, Gloria. That and a 6 gets to me. Thank you.
I didn't think the Ronald business was anything special. Just took a chance with it and I'm glad I did.
Marv
Comment from Miles Connolly
I love the high action all throughout the story, The robber twist, AMAZING! Wonderfully done.
"What's the robber's name?"
"Ronald, Ronald Loman."
"Will Roman Loman be charged with anything?"
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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I love the high action all throughout the story, The robber twist, AMAZING! Wonderfully done.
"What's the robber's name?"
"Ronald, Ronald Loman."
"Will Roman Loman be charged with anything?"
Comment Written 30-May-2018
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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So glad you liked it. Thanks for reviewing.
Combining the words on the tape with the dialogue of two characters was kind of tricky and made it a long time between chapters.
Thanks for the compliments.
Thank you for the six stars. Please drop in again.
Marv
Comment from Ryn Martin
Well done. Though this is the first (so far as I can recall) time reviewing your overall work, I found the chapter decent. The only things I would want to mention, and it may very well be due to the formatting that the site does to any writing, is that the lay out of the text felt a bit off. Again, it might simply be FS being FS, but I felt like I should mention it.
The second thing I wanted to mention is the dialogue. I am in no ways saying it is bad, but I do feel like there was too much of it. If that makes any sense? I felt like it was mostly telling, instead of regaling? I guess what I am trying to get at is the dialogue itself isn't bad, but you may want to look into a way to break it up a bit more to sort of change the pace.
If that makes any sense?
Regardless, I appreciate your work and thank you for posting it so I could read it. Cheers!
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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Well done. Though this is the first (so far as I can recall) time reviewing your overall work, I found the chapter decent. The only things I would want to mention, and it may very well be due to the formatting that the site does to any writing, is that the lay out of the text felt a bit off. Again, it might simply be FS being FS, but I felt like I should mention it.
The second thing I wanted to mention is the dialogue. I am in no ways saying it is bad, but I do feel like there was too much of it. If that makes any sense? I felt like it was mostly telling, instead of regaling? I guess what I am trying to get at is the dialogue itself isn't bad, but you may want to look into a way to break it up a bit more to sort of change the pace.
If that makes any sense?
Regardless, I appreciate your work and thank you for posting it so I could read it. Cheers!
Comment Written 30-May-2018
reply by the author on 30-May-2018
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Thanks for reviewing.
This chapter is the result of spending a lot of time trying to reduce the amount of dialogue. The first ten chapters have a much better ratio of dialogue to non-dialogue.
The enormity of the taped dialogue is the culprit.
I think you're correct that you've never dropped by before, but I hope you'll come back for seconds.
Your dialogue comment does make sense and I'll continue trying to improve it.
This comment also makes perfect sense:"I felt like it was mostly telling, instead of regaling?"
Same answer__that darned tape.
Thanks for the compliments.
Marv