Comment from nancy_e_davis

Excellent

Augdon hoped Nyla's [presents] Typo, presence
the brothers of[f] guard. typo
[n]ever believe[d] Hamish possessed any

You have a very exciting story going here, Roxy. I am enjoying it very much. I found these few typo's. Good Job. Nancy

 Comment Written 21-May-2018

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reply by the author on 21-May-2018

Thank you Nancy. I thought I fixed some of these typos. Thanks for the review and helps. Rox

Comment from w.j.debi

Excellent

Hamish is a very unlikable person, which brings either fear or mistrust from everyone around him. The poor man has had a hard time being isolated instead of worshiped, hasn't he. Which has given him much time to plot his revenge. Wow, with Joshua out of the plan for a while, it is going to complicate things when the mountain men warriors arrive.
Great plot twist.

 Comment Written 21-May-2018

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reply by the author on 21-May-2018

Nobody likes Hamish. He is a bad man. =} Thanks so much for the great review. Appreciate it.

Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell

Excellent

What a place to stop at, Rox! My goodness, I don't trust Hamish at all, and I think the fact the 'dark one' Nayla, is there might be used against the mountain men and to the advantage of Hamish. There are a few little nits, my friend, but I noticed Patty has pointed them out. The story is absolutely fabulous, and I can't wait for you to write the next part. :)) Sandra. xxx

 Comment Written 21-May-2018

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reply by the author on 21-May-2018

Thank you Sandra. =} Rox

Comment from Henry King

Excellent

Excellent scene which is setting for the decision making. Will the groups join or widen the gap. Most of the key characters will be in one room. It is near enough to a cliff hanger that will entice readers to keep turning the pages. Well done.

 Comment Written 21-May-2018

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reply by the author on 21-May-2018

Thanks so much Henry.

Comment from Mustang Patty

Good

Hi, Roxana;

I did a much more thorough and in-depth critique of your work to point out some things. If you do not find the suggestions helpful, let me know. That way, I won't go into so much detail on future reviews.

You have a wonderful story here. I really enjoy the premise.

However, there are a few items in the mechanics of writing you may want to work on.


A few nits:

'They come form from the mountains.'

'Drake and Erik seeing their sister with a party of warriors caught the brothersof off guard.'

'"I promise you we will show you the fortess fortress and all that we have told...'

'Valtar said nothing, reluctant to turn against Hamish, who's whose father, Kidrick,...'

'Hamish was formidable in his own right and seemed to posses possess powers no one understood.'

'... Valtar had never been a 'strong-willed' man.'

'We have lived peaceable peaceably for almost one hundred years,'

'Goran watched him expressionless and felt nothing but revolution revulsion for the...'

'He had kept much from them+, and he didn't know what Hamish might say...'

'He escaped them+, and they followed him hoping to overtake the village.'

'Drake called for his son Dak(There isn't a need for a comma here.) and told him to bring the horses.' (If you have two complete thoughts expressed in a compound sentence, you NEED the comma, whereas if you do NOT have two complete thoughts, there isn't a need for the comma.)

'He looked between at his father and uncle.' The use of between here doesn't work. The preposition versus the article to modify the action can be resolved by writing the sentence.

One of my most common suggestions is to take your first draft and READ IT OUT LOUD to yourself or someone else. As you read, you will notice missing words, words in the wrong format, and sometimes you will identify spelling errors.

Next, read the piece from the bottom up to the top. This will allow you to access each sentence on its own. Does the sentence appear to be an expression of a complete thought? Does the sentence seem confusing as its written? Would it be more readable if it were split up into two or more?

Lastly, I propose the reading of a good style guide. Chicago Manual, and Elements of Style 2017 are two of my favorites. The Elements book is broken down into easy to understand chapters which make it very easy to look up the proper use of grammar.

I sincerely hope these notes are of help,

~patty~

 Comment Written 21-May-2018

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reply by the author on 21-May-2018

Thank you so much for taking so much time to go over the story. I don't know that it is worthy of so much attention. =} I think I have fixed all my boo, boos. I always dread my reviews as I know there will be a ton of errors no matter how many times I go over it and I do until I am so sick of it I never want to see it again. For some reason spell check does not fix the errors, it points them out but makes no corrections. I have tried some of your suggestions, but to no avail. I think I will ask a friend to read it over before posting so my poor reviewers don't have to stumble through it. =} I had one person quit because of it. =} Poor thing. So I think a review before posting would be the best help for me. I am hopeless and have gotten worse it seems. My brain like to compensate. Stupid brain! =} Thank you again so much for all your time and help. I really do appreciate it very much. Rox

reply by Mustang Patty on 21-May-2018

Hi, Rox;

I find it helpful to have someone else read my work - I usually have my hubby or one of the kids look it over if they have time. (I email and wait for a response.)

I really do live by the Style Guides. I studied and studied until I memorized the rules of grammar, and I still look things up from time to time.

reply by the author on 21-May-2018

Thanks again for the helps and I'll look up the guides. I do google things but maybe google doesn't know everything after all. =}

Comment from apky

Excellent

You have an elaborate and extravagant story here. Despite the length, which always seems to be an issue on this site, the story still pulled me in and kept me engaged.

I enjoyed it and found it very entertaining. Slowly, somewhere midway, I find that I'm getting the hang of the characters in the story. No spags that I could detect. The plot continued to race and is sprinkled with a variety of intriguing situations.

 Comment Written 21-May-2018

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reply by the author on 21-May-2018

Thank you so much. Yes length is an issue these days, it didn't seem so much when I first started 7yrs ago, but I guess people don't have the time. It is sad because they miss out on some great stories, though most people have caught on the the 'it needs to be short' factor and accommodate. Thank you again so much, your review was most uplifting and encouraging. Rox