Loophole
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Temporary Insanity"All chapters
9 total reviews
Comment from JanPerry
The story moves along like a report. A policeman's typed report where the characters are moving without feeling or intent.
It's well typed, no typos. The tone is factual and incredibly cold,but that's your intention.
reply by the author on 07-May-2018
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The story moves along like a report. A policeman's typed report where the characters are moving without feeling or intent.
It's well typed, no typos. The tone is factual and incredibly cold,but that's your intention.
Comment Written 07-May-2018
reply by the author on 07-May-2018
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And I am enjoying your review.
I wish you would catch up but, some chapters got misnamed, making them difficult to find. I'll send chapter 1 today or tomorrow, then one a day, by comment or email, until you're caught up.
Thanks for the compliments.
I'm glad you came up with some alternates for the gun metaphor. I like the ?pus from a pimple? the best.
Marv
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Please forgive for sending you a reply meant for someone else.
Chapter 9 is the only chapter that reads like a report, because, for the most part, it's a monologue by Rose Anne.
I ask you to check out Chapter 8 of the book Loophole to see if you still feel the same way.
NOTE: The reference to the word 'Loophole' is a mistake by FS and is the title of my Rom/Com about a screenwriter.
Thank you for everything.
Marv
Comment from Deb Kincaid
Oh, am I enjoying this! I may just have to look up Chapters 1-8 to catch up. Something that particularly stood out to me was that, although this piece carries a fair amount of dialogue and multiple characters, I was never at a loss of knowing who was speaking. To do that smoothly and unobtrusively is tricky, but you did it well. I am wondering, however, about the phrase "...blood shot out like a squirt from a toy water gun." Since this is written from the perspective of a male, I'm wondering if (at the risk of being politically incorrect...) something like "...blood shot out like boiling water from a radiator hose," or if you want to be gross "...like pus from a pimple," or some such phrase. Loved this! Thanks for posting it.
reply by the author on 07-May-2018
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Oh, am I enjoying this! I may just have to look up Chapters 1-8 to catch up. Something that particularly stood out to me was that, although this piece carries a fair amount of dialogue and multiple characters, I was never at a loss of knowing who was speaking. To do that smoothly and unobtrusively is tricky, but you did it well. I am wondering, however, about the phrase "...blood shot out like a squirt from a toy water gun." Since this is written from the perspective of a male, I'm wondering if (at the risk of being politically incorrect...) something like "...blood shot out like boiling water from a radiator hose," or if you want to be gross "...like pus from a pimple," or some such phrase. Loved this! Thanks for posting it.
Comment Written 07-May-2018
reply by the author on 07-May-2018
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And I am enjoying your review.
I wish you would catch up but, some chapters got misnamed, making them difficult to find. I'll send chapter 1 today or tomorrow, then one a day by comment or email, until you're caught up.
Thanks for the compliments.
I'm glad you came up with some alternates for the gun metaphor. I like the ?pus from a pimple? the best.
Marv
Comment from Ulla
Hi Marvin, I have just fallen into this story so to speak, but I had no difficulty following along. It's very well written, and the my only concern is that the last part- starting with Rose Ann attacking Sterling and to the end- is more telling than showing.
A couple of things:
"A couple days later he told me they were going to get divorced. = A couple (of) days later(,) he told me...
Then the ambulance came and I heard talk about him taking a long time to call for it. Everything finally dawned on me." =Back space the sentence to bring it in line and a comma is needed after 'Then the ambulance came(,) and I...
I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 07-May-2018
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Hi Marvin, I have just fallen into this story so to speak, but I had no difficulty following along. It's very well written, and the my only concern is that the last part- starting with Rose Ann attacking Sterling and to the end- is more telling than showing.
A couple of things:
"A couple days later he told me they were going to get divorced. = A couple (of) days later(,) he told me...
Then the ambulance came and I heard talk about him taking a long time to call for it. Everything finally dawned on me." =Back space the sentence to bring it in line and a comma is needed after 'Then the ambulance came(,) and I...
I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 07-May-2018
reply by the author on 07-May-2018
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Thanks for reviewing. Your telling/showing comment is right on target.
?couple (of) days later? is Rose Anne's speech pattern.
I added the comma.
Thanks for the compliments.
Thanks for picking up these items.
Marv
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Marv. This is a good chapter to your story. Clear and interesting. Good attention to detail in scene setting, plot and dialogue. Length of chapter is good, too. Marilyn.
reply by the author on 02-May-2018
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Hi Marv. This is a good chapter to your story. Clear and interesting. Good attention to detail in scene setting, plot and dialogue. Length of chapter is good, too. Marilyn.
Comment Written 02-May-2018
reply by the author on 02-May-2018
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I'm glad you liked this chapter. I'm also glad you thought the length was good. I considered posting it in two parts but that would have ruined the momentum.
Thanks for the compliments.
Marv
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Marv;
I enjoyed this storyline very much. This line, 'The glass pierced his hand and blood shot out like a squirt from a toy water-gun.' gave us great imagery and insight into the scene.
Are you going to add more to this?
A few nits:
'A fridge, micro-wave(microwave) oven(+,) and sink were squeezed into the tiny space.'
'A couple(of) days later,' (although this could be part of the speech pattern.)
'It must have been fake,(no comma needed here) because there were spelling...'
'he told me they'll(they'd) be separated in a week.'
'Then the ambulance came(+,) and I heard talk about him...'
'...to the room, the desk was askew(+,) and Rose was gone.'
'As Brennan ran from the room(+,) he heard...'
' saw to it that Rose Anne was being well cared for by Jamal...'
I was able to identify these errors because they are ones I struggle with and have to do a good edit to identify.
~patty~
reply by the author on 02-May-2018
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Hi, Marv;
I enjoyed this storyline very much. This line, 'The glass pierced his hand and blood shot out like a squirt from a toy water-gun.' gave us great imagery and insight into the scene.
Are you going to add more to this?
A few nits:
'A fridge, micro-wave(microwave) oven(+,) and sink were squeezed into the tiny space.'
'A couple(of) days later,' (although this could be part of the speech pattern.)
'It must have been fake,(no comma needed here) because there were spelling...'
'he told me they'll(they'd) be separated in a week.'
'Then the ambulance came(+,) and I heard talk about him...'
'...to the room, the desk was askew(+,) and Rose was gone.'
'As Brennan ran from the room(+,) he heard...'
' saw to it that Rose Anne was
I was able to identify these errors because they are ones I struggle with and have to do a good edit to identify.
~patty~
Comment Written 02-May-2018
reply by the author on 02-May-2018
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Than you very much for reviewing.
I'm glad you liked the line about the toy gun.
I'll be adding chapters until the story is over, if that is what you mean.
Thanks for finding the nits. I fixed the ones that weren't part of a speech pattern.
I've got to remember to edit these things myself.
I try to avoid posting this many words in one post, but it was unavoidable. (I think)
Marv
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Looking forward to the rest of the story.
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That's nice to know. Thank you.
Comment from judiverse
This is going great. Six stars for it. What a story Rose Anne has to tell. No wonder she goes after Sterling, considering the grief he's caused. He is secretly married to Trudy but wants to see Rose Anne on the side. He makes his weasel talk about a divorce. There must be significance to Rose Anne's cry of "let me call the ambulance," since the ambulance call had been delayed. I like that the bank employees are willing to jump in and help Rose Anne and see that Sterling is all tied up. Great story development. judi
reply by the author on 02-May-2018
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This is going great. Six stars for it. What a story Rose Anne has to tell. No wonder she goes after Sterling, considering the grief he's caused. He is secretly married to Trudy but wants to see Rose Anne on the side. He makes his weasel talk about a divorce. There must be significance to Rose Anne's cry of "let me call the ambulance," since the ambulance call had been delayed. I like that the bank employees are willing to jump in and help Rose Anne and see that Sterling is all tied up. Great story development. judi
Comment Written 02-May-2018
reply by the author on 02-May-2018
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Thank you, Judi, for this great review.
It's all over the bank, including Rose Anne, that Sterling intentionally delayed the call for an ambulance for Trudy, hoping she would die. But, she was still alive when put in the ambulance and we're all hoping for the best.
Thanks for the many compliments. I appreciate the six very much.
I'm just getting started as a writer, but I want to share the following with you. I didn't know this scene was coming. It was a total surprise to me. I'm sure that's happened to you many times.
Marv
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You're very welcome. You've got it--you never know when those characters will decide to go off on their own. (Let them.) judi
Comment from pome lover
Marv - excitement, excitement.
but why did Rose Anne think Trudy must have been killed just because sterling came to see her in her office after the robbery?
and you might want to fix, about half way down, you say, "On second" and left out "thought." also, Brennan grabbed her around the waist? she could've turned and hurt him with the glass shard. Maybe he ought to grab her arm and twist it or something? or did I miss something?
anyway, lots of good action and tension going.
good job.
PL
reply by the author on 02-May-2018
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Marv - excitement, excitement.
but why did Rose Anne think Trudy must have been killed just because sterling came to see her in her office after the robbery?
and you might want to fix, about half way down, you say, "On second" and left out "thought." also, Brennan grabbed her around the waist? she could've turned and hurt him with the glass shard. Maybe he ought to grab her arm and twist it or something? or did I miss something?
anyway, lots of good action and tension going.
good job.
PL
Comment Written 02-May-2018
reply by the author on 02-May-2018
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Thanks for reviewing.
She heard the shot. Sterling's action would be triggered more by Trudy's death than by Floyd's.
I wrote Brennan based on an uncle-in-law of mine, who was short and very strong. He would grab his wife, who was huge, and throw her into an above ground pool, which meant he would have to raise her about four feet. He did the same thing to my M-I-L, which I didn't mind t all.
His way may not have been the best way. It was spontaneous. I wonder if they teach that at the police academy.
Thanks for the compliments.
Thanks for finding the typo.
This chapter was spontaneous. I don't have an outline. This would not have been in it even if I had.
Marv
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wow - your uncle-in-law sounds like a character.
also, it sounds like you had the same kind if M-I-L
I did. ugh
Comment from Liz O'Neill
I enjoy reading writing aloud and thoroughly enjoyed the tongue-twister phrasing. I love wordplay also. Your alliteration makes all this fun possible. You similes are very effective & some feel a bit "tongue-in-cheek" I love the toy water-gun comparison. I actually might have been a bit disappointed if you hadn't written something like that. You characters are consistent in their roles. You have the appropriate level of drama for this scenario. This mimics the "Private eye" era. Very cleverly written.
reply by the author on 02-May-2018
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I enjoy reading writing aloud and thoroughly enjoyed the tongue-twister phrasing. I love wordplay also. Your alliteration makes all this fun possible. You similes are very effective & some feel a bit "tongue-in-cheek" I love the toy water-gun comparison. I actually might have been a bit disappointed if you hadn't written something like that. You characters are consistent in their roles. You have the appropriate level of drama for this scenario. This mimics the "Private eye" era. Very cleverly written.
Comment Written 01-May-2018
reply by the author on 02-May-2018
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I wasn't aware of writing all these wonderful facets you've accused me of but, I'll plead guilty just to prolong the high as long as possible.
I really appreciate your kind and generous review.
Are you referring to ?The Thin Man? series?
I think it was called a squirt gun, but that would ruin the sentence.
Thanks for the compliments.
I look forward to more reviews of yours.
Marvin
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When I say the Private Eye era, it's like the down and out detective who had the dame in a red dress walk in...lol The beauty of literature is that our readers see elements that were in our subconscious all the time.
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I like those kind of stories.
I agree about the subconscious.
Favorite films: Murder, My Sweet, The Big Sleep.
Thanks again.
Comment from Gloria ....
Exceptional opening Marv. You paint a clear picture of the setting and it really goes well with the beetle picture.
Ha, I kept looking for the loophole Marv, so I'm glad you mentioned that at the end. What a convoluted experience among this cast of characters.
Nevertheless I found it an interesting read my friend.
Gloria
reply by the author on 01-May-2018
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Exceptional opening Marv. You paint a clear picture of the setting and it really goes well with the beetle picture.
Ha, I kept looking for the loophole Marv, so I'm glad you mentioned that at the end. What a convoluted experience among this cast of characters.
Nevertheless I found it an interesting read my friend.
Gloria
Comment Written 01-May-2018
reply by the author on 01-May-2018
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Thank you, Gloria, for reading and reviewing this chapter.
I know it's on the long side, but i couldn't interrupt this revelation and subsequent action.
I couldn't find the artwork I wanted. Are you serious that it goes well with the setting?
Marv
