Comment from Brett Matthew West

Excellent

The dogs and the dragon make a good team. Well developed characters. A little lighter on the action, but sometimes less is more and adds another dimension to a story.

 Comment Written 12-May-2018

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reply by the author on 12-May-2018

Thank you so much Brett.

Comment from w.j.debi

Excellent

How wonderful that Joshua and Nyla finally get to spend some time together. I can picture the dogs enjoying the dragon ride and refusing to be left behind. The children with the dragon is precious. Children are trusting and inquisitive. And so typical that the adults didn't believe their fanciful story. This is a happy chapter.

 Comment Written 03-May-2018

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reply by the author on 04-May-2018

Thank you so much, I am glad you are enjoying it. It is such a change for me and I do not always feel I am doing a very good writing job with it. I do welcome any suggestions for improvement. I'll only cry a little. On person told me that English must not be my first language. I cried more over that. =] Actually I had to laugh. Thank you again. Rox

Comment from Joy Graham

Excellent

HI Roxanna,

I'm jumping into this story cold. I'm catching up on another book series on fanstory and may not get to read from chapter one for a while, but that is what I hope to do.

Here are a f ew things I noticed as I read:

- "The dogs followed him to (we're)..." - where

- "Joshua (build) a fire..." - built

- "already up and making his way the cottage" - way to the cottage

- "Are you being spoiled boy?" - a spoiled boy

I watched a webinar on how to make children's stories better in the way publishers would like them. Here are a few things they stressed:

1. Tighten your writing to use more descriptive words instead of the little words like, to, and, the,and such.

2. Show don't tell. You want readers to see the action happening as opposed to you telling them about it. I am no expert on this, but I'm learning. There are many words that are to be avoided, and I find when I search my story for these words and switch them with better descriptive words that makes my story so much better. One word to avoid is, "very". Instead of saying, "Jack was very tired" you could say Jack was exhausted or overworked or drained. It just puts more of a picture into the readers head in less words than it would take to come out and say it.

3. Rewrite many times. Cut down on unnecessary words.

I am no expert, but I do try. This is a fun story about flying dragons. I think it has great potential and I look forward to reading more of this story. I always wonder how dragons can be kept a secret because when they fly the locals must see them?

Sincerely Joy xx

 Comment Written 02-May-2018

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reply by the author on 02-May-2018

Thank you so much Joy. This story is a huge departure for me as I have always written children stories, for the most part. Thank you so much for the help. I do try to do most of these things but it is always a huge help for someone else to read and see what needs help.

These dragons are fairly isolated and don't fly everywhere, just around the fortress where they train. I would think someone would see them at some point, but not be certain of what they saw. =}

Thank you again so much. This has been a huge labor for me and often I think, "What have I done?!" =} Roxanna

Comment from Artasylum

Excellent

Hello Roxanna Andrews,
You had me at dragon... Any story of a dragon works for me. This took me on a Mystery Tour. Fun read. Looking forward to more. yours, diana

 Comment Written 02-May-2018

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reply by the author on 02-May-2018

Thank you so much Diana. Dragons are a lot of fun. =}

Comment from Shirley E Kennedy

Exceptional

Hi Roxanna
A very well planned chapter.
I quiet enjoy these quiet, contented chapters which sometimes give a
lovely reprieve from frantic action packed chapters.
All seems right with the world as Joshua's mother and his future wife meet for the first time.
:-) Shirley

 Comment Written 30-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 01-May-2018

Thank you so much Shirley. =}

Comment from Harry Smith

Excellent

As usual The reader really enjoyed reading this chapter that is filled with lots and lots of imagery and emotions. I will be back to read more

 Comment Written 30-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 01-May-2018

Thank you so much Harry. =}

Comment from royowen

Excellent

When they are about to leave the children have been with Dyster, he is not only beautiful but very gentle as well, they go to tell the townsfolk who fortunately don't believe them. They try to leave, but the dogs have mounted Dyster, and they decide to take them with them, Nyla meets Lyse for the first time. Well done Rox, I'm a great fan of fantasy, particularly of strange creatures, great story, well done, blessings, Roy

 Comment Written 30-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 01-May-2018

Thank you Roy, I am glad you enjoyed it. Rox =}

reply by royowen on 01-May-2018

Excellent Rox

Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)

Excellent

Dogs and dragons! My word what a wonderful combination! The huge dogs obscured Joshua's forward view, but Dyster knew the way and needed no guidance. The dogs seemed to love every minute of the flight. They sat with tongues hanging out as if they had a smile on their faces and whipped their heads from side to side to see all they could. Joshua and Nyla had to laugh at them.' I know this feeling all too well my dogs are real characters and a complete handful! I loved this wonderful write as I have enjoyed all your work so far. Well done for creating this amazing cast of characters and so well written. Love and best wishes Meia xx

 Comment Written 30-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 01-May-2018

Thank you Meia. My sister had a dog that hated the vet and would wrapper her paws around the steering wheel and my sis would have to pry her loose. That's where the dog wrapping her paws around the saddlebag came from. =} Dogs are funny. My dog as a kid loved to ride in the car with his head hanging out. He did look like he was smiling. He did some very funny things. Thank you again. Rox

Comment from nancy_e_davis

Excellent

but he was already up and making his way [to] the cottage.I caught that one nit.
Well, that was quite an adventure for Nyla wasn't it? Strange that the dogs were not afraid of the dragon.
That's the way grownup's treat children. Never take then serious. They really should and listen closely, because children look through the eyes of innocence and that could be harmful to them. Good story telling Roxy. Nancy

 Comment Written 30-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 01-May-2018

Kids are often not as afraid of things as adults are I have found. =} They are very funny people. My nieces and nephews are a source of constant entertainment. =} Thank you so much Nancy.

Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell

Excellent

I was so pleased to see another posting from you. I thought this one was lovely. I could just see the dogs refusing to get off the dragon, lol. And the children, bless them, of course their parents didn't believe them. This was a wonderful part, my friend. Well done. :) Sandra xxx

Just one nit, take the 'on' out. xx

"Ren! Habil! Get down." Joshua pulled [on] the dogs off Lyse

 Comment Written 30-Apr-2018

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reply by the author on 01-May-2018

Thank you so much Sandra. I think using the Word program at work helped with finding a lot of errors. I am glad there were not so many this time. I really struggled with this chapter, not knowing if it were well done, so am happy so far reviewers seem to like it. Thanks so much for your encouragement and time to review friend. I really do appreciate it.

I had a dog as a child who loved to go for rides. My brothers would go rabbit hunting and he wanted to go so would jump in the jeep every time. He would chase away the rabbits so my bros started pushing the jeep down the road before starting it so he wouldn't know they were leaving. The next time they went hunting they went out to find him sitting in the jeep. He knew they were going when he saw them getting ready so he out smarted them. Was so funny. He loved to ride in the car and often looked like he had a smile on his face. =}