Loophole
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "What Next?"All chapters
7 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Sad to say, my mind went to the same stereotype as most readers. Very clever the way you worked that in that Jo is a woman Police chief. You handled the dialogue well. Your characters remain consistent with their roles and their actions have follow through. The imagery is very good with your apt descriptions. I hope to locate the rest of this.
reply by the author on 08-May-2018
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Sad to say, my mind went to the same stereotype as most readers. Very clever the way you worked that in that Jo is a woman Police chief. You handled the dialogue well. Your characters remain consistent with their roles and their actions have follow through. The imagery is very good with your apt descriptions. I hope to locate the rest of this.
Comment Written 08-May-2018
reply by the author on 08-May-2018
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I'm glad you searched for an earlier chapter and happy that you liked it. The title should read: ?FOW Play.? I can't get FS to refrain from linking it to ?Loophole?, my Rom/Com novel.
In one draft I wrote the chief's name as Josephine, etc. but apparently it's not necessary to do that.
Thanks for the compliments.
Marv
Comment from pome lover
very good, Marv. Story is moving right along.
If you don't mind, I'd like to make a suggestion. When police chief speaks, instead of saying that she says the following to her sec., after she's said it, I'd say: "I knew it. I knew this would happen," Police Chief Jo Tierney said to her secretary.....
and after she says, "Where is this going to end?" - in the same paragraph, I'd have her say, "The robbers been shot......etc." because it was confusing to me who was speaking at times.
now you have my two cents worth to do with as you please.
PL
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2018
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very good, Marv. Story is moving right along.
If you don't mind, I'd like to make a suggestion. When police chief speaks, instead of saying that she says the following to her sec., after she's said it, I'd say: "I knew it. I knew this would happen," Police Chief Jo Tierney said to her secretary.....
and after she says, "Where is this going to end?" - in the same paragraph, I'd have her say, "The robbers been shot......etc." because it was confusing to me who was speaking at times.
now you have my two cents worth to do with as you please.
PL
Comment Written 28-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2018
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Thanks for your review.
Thanks for your two cents worth. Looks like a good idea. I'll check out your suggestion as soon as I'm done here.
Thanks for the compliment.
Marv
Comment from BeasPeas
Hi Marv. I enjoyed reading this chapter of your story. It progresses along well with interesting dialogue and the reader isn't sidetracked with whimsical asides. I like the theory of the bank manager being part of the plot. This is a good sentence:
"Brennan assigned Amanda to sketch a floor plan of the bank, "If you need someone to hold the other end of the tape, deputize one of the bank employees, preferably one who's not guilty of any bank related crimes."
Marilyn
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2018
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Hi Marv. I enjoyed reading this chapter of your story. It progresses along well with interesting dialogue and the reader isn't sidetracked with whimsical asides. I like the theory of the bank manager being part of the plot. This is a good sentence:
"Brennan assigned Amanda to sketch a floor plan of the bank, "If you need someone to hold the other end of the tape, deputize one of the bank employees, preferably one who's not guilty of any bank related crimes."
Marilyn
Comment Written 28-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2018
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Thanks for your review.
Thanks for your two cents worth. Looks like a good idea. I'll check out your suggestion as soon as I'm done here.
Thanks for the compliment.
Marv
Comment from Harry Smith
Interesting picture selection for this chapter in your book. The chapter is outstandingly well written with lots and lots of imagery. The reader enjoyed.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2018
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Interesting picture selection for this chapter in your book. The chapter is outstandingly well written with lots and lots of imagery. The reader enjoyed.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much for your review.
I hope you visit the next chapter.
Thanks for pointing out my use of imagery.
Marv
Comment from judiverse
I really think you're doing a great job with this. Sterling's definitely on the suspect list by the way he handled the ambulance service. Brennan isn't trusting anyone. When he requests some back-up, we are treated to Chief Tierney's insights. She sees Brennan as being too old for the job and is skeptical about ordering the back-up he requested. You'd think she's be careful with her remarks about age, as a woman she wouldn't want people considering her less capable because of her gender. It'll be interesting to see if more bank personnel were in on the robbery. judi
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2018
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I really think you're doing a great job with this. Sterling's definitely on the suspect list by the way he handled the ambulance service. Brennan isn't trusting anyone. When he requests some back-up, we are treated to Chief Tierney's insights. She sees Brennan as being too old for the job and is skeptical about ordering the back-up he requested. You'd think she's be careful with her remarks about age, as a woman she wouldn't want people considering her less capable because of her gender. It'll be interesting to see if more bank personnel were in on the robbery. judi
Comment Written 27-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2018
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Thanks for reviewing.
I really appreciate your saying, '. . . you're doing a great job.' Coming from you, that's quite a compliment.
I didn't realize all the ramifications of Tierney's plot line. You understand the plot maybe better than I do.
Thanks for everything.
Marv
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You're very welcome. I am enjoying the story. Glad you're not rushing it. judi
Comment from robyn corum
Marvin,
Another nice chapter that moves your story right along. This one was really well-crafted and easy to read. Extra good work!
Some notes:
1.) Mrs. Tierney enjoyed seeing the look on people's faces when they found out the Chief of Police was a woman.
--> since she's only talking to her secretary, I don't think this is applicable here. Maybe when someone calls into the station and hear a woman's voice?
2.) Brennan made sure Amanda (had) all the items she needed to complete the task.
Nice work! I enjoyed!
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2018
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Marvin,
Another nice chapter that moves your story right along. This one was really well-crafted and easy to read. Extra good work!
Some notes:
1.) Mrs. Tierney enjoyed seeing the look on people's faces when they found out the Chief of Police was a woman.
--> since she's only talking to her secretary, I don't think this is applicable here. Maybe when someone calls into the station and hear a woman's voice?
2.) Brennan made sure Amanda (had) all the items she needed to complete the task.
Nice work! I enjoyed!
Comment Written 27-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2018
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Thank you for reviewing and for the compliments.
I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter. I wish I could write full time. Tierney's secretary hears most of the comments about the Chief being a man, like: 'Have him call me', 'give him my regards', etc.
I'll check on you later.
Thanks again.
Marv
Comment from Henry King
The plot thickens. It seems everyone is questioning everyone else. The author has added another quirk, the Police Chief likes to see the look of surprise when others see the Chief is a woman. Is this egoism/pride? Will that have an effect on her relations with the staff? So as all good storytellers, the author makes us speculate what's on the next page and chapter? Well done.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2018
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The plot thickens. It seems everyone is questioning everyone else. The author has added another quirk, the Police Chief likes to see the look of surprise when others see the Chief is a woman. Is this egoism/pride? Will that have an effect on her relations with the staff? So as all good storytellers, the author makes us speculate what's on the next page and chapter? Well done.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2018
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Thanks for your review.
I have a method for picking names and came up with 'Josephine.' Then the quirk came to mind. Her secretary hears things like: 'Have him call me', 'give him my regards', etc.
Thanks for the compliments.
Marv
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That is a good thing about "what the secretary hears" it puts that "something else" in the story. I like that. You are welcome. The compliments are well deserved.
